...and a HAPPY new year

I dont know bout y'all, but Im ready for this!! 2009 was the worst year of my life.
Im not gonna sit here and dwell on everything or try to justify why I felt the way I did. If you follow my blog, you know why it was the worst year.. OK just in case you dont know. I owned my own skin care salon for 8 years called Skin Deep, well business was bad since the end of 2008 and finally at the end of 2009 I had to close, it was pretty devastating to me, also at the same exact time the only relationship Ive had in 4 years was falling apart. He and I were two completely different people, today i find out he realizes hes been bitter and jaded for the last 2 years.... We were doomed from the beginning, but I was so happy to finally be dating someone I didnt see the warning signs. Now I realize he never was the one for me.

I dont believe in resolutions because it seems that the exact opposite of what we want to happen actually happens. With that said I do have at least one behavior I would like to change.. Expectations, I have such high expectations for people, situations, places, everything. I am a perfectionist and its hard for me to understand why everyone doesn't work as hard as I do at making something "right" as many of you know that usually only leads to disappointment. Im tired of always being disappointed in people and things.. SO I no longer will have expectations of people, places or things. Im gonna be one of those go with the flow type of guys.

One of my wishes for the new year is already coming true.. If you saw my last post you'll be happy to know I was offered a (non paying) job doing makeup for a fashion segment on KUSI this Saturday.. ASK and ye shall receive. YEE HAW BITCHES

One of the living

Well I think I'm finally back to "normal" and ready to start participating in life again. Yesterday I was watching TV and saw some BAD makeup jobs on people that were on the View.. I thought to myself how in the hell is a makeup artist getting paid to to this? I am a VERY talented makeup artist, I have worked on TV shows, print media, music videos, celebrity clientele, etc. After seeing these sub par makeup jobs I think I'm going to pursue my true passion again. YEP I still have it in me, its the reason I got into the beauty industry, i just got sidetracked by tryin to make a living then thinking I wanted to own my own business for 8 years. Sadly all of my makeup and brushes were stolen by some some drag queen in San Diego that has since moved to another state, so ill be starting from scratch. Ill probably have to get a job doing something I don't love for a while until I get myself established.

It was great to get that feeling yesterday, to feel that I can still be passionate about something that I love. It gives me hope that I will have passion for other things, or even someday that special someone. For now I'm content with where I am at.. One of the living

All cried out

SET THIS PLACE ON FIRE CUZ IM TIRED OF YOUR LIES.... All I WANTED WAS A SIMPLE HELLO
Is it just me or does she sound like Rosie Perez?

Christmas 09

So I got out of the hospital on the 23rd... I was in there for 4 days/5 nights if I say it like that it sounds more like a vacation. I was really hoping the Dr. would change my medication, which they did.. TWICE, only to change it right back to what it was when I went in, so essentially I should be right back where I started. Somehow I do feel better though. Its hard to explain but when Im in the hospital there is no wrong or right, there are no bad choices to be made. And the food honestly isnt that bad. I didnt get too many calls and no visitors while I was there, the phone number I posted was no good and the stupid security guy must have accidentally turned my phone back on cuz the battery was dead the first day I was in. The person I mentioned before that I really wanted to hear from never called or wrote and ignored my text messages too before I went in the hospital. When I got out there was an email from him that said something like "You'll be fine" or something short and not so sweet like that. Cold & Insensitive.. when will I ever learn this??

I woke up the morning of the 24th with a cold. I was REALLY Bummed because I was supposed to go to a great party at my friend Steve's house. The worse thing is I woke up on Christmas morning feeling great!! It would have been fine to be sick Christmas day because I really didnt have too much to do. I didnt go to Moms house because we were having Christmas at my brothers girlfriends house with her family that I doint even know, SO... I woke up early and went to the store, made breakfast, then baked some cupcakes all before 11AM. I watched a couple movies, played with the cat. I feel bad I didnt get the cat anything for Christmas but he didnt get me anything either so whatever.

I finished up the day by going to a party at my friend Josephs house, it was a small gathering with maybe 12 people there, I got to meet some new people and see another friend I havent seen in a long long time.. This CRAZY Tranny named Denise.. God I love her. Shes lookin like a man but feelin ALL woman. Ya gotta love someone that has that kind of confidence. She was crackin me up last night. "Honey if I dont tell myself Im beautiful who will?" "I want people to see me through MY EYES"

Im gonna bake a rum cake to take to another party tonight, My friends Joe & James.. heres a pic of them from the party. Blue Light specials.. the both of them

Hard decision

Well I made a decision yesterday to go back to the hospital. There wasnt one thing that triggered it this time, it was a week filled with ups and downs (mostly down), the realization that my medication isnt working, and a revelation of what I think my depression stems from. (see the cliff note version here)---> ALONE I have been seeing a therapist and unfortunately I dont think they are able to give me the care I need in a timely manner. The medication I have been on since October 22nd has not worked yet.

I dont know why, but there is one person I was hoping to hear from that hasnt contacted me yet. I have sent emails, text messages, asked mutual friends to ask him to call me, etc. Im not looking for him to fix something, just a little encouragement to give me the boost that I need to do this. Last time I went to the hospital he thought that it would be best to cut of all communication with me because i needed to fix myself, and there was nothing he could do to help me. WELL I understand where hes coming from but does he understand where Im coming from? Im thinking that last idea didnt work very well and it maybe time to try something else.
I know hes got some major problems right now too, but all im asking is for a few words and best case scenario a hug before I go to the hospital. I dont expect anyone to fix me but me, but with out the support and encouragement from those close to you cant begin the journey to fix yourself.

If you know him please encourage him to contact me.. Its probably not gonna be able to happen today before I go to hospital, so he will be off the hook on the hug part.

Expectations of being alone

I put myself in situations that I know wont turn out well.. I dont intend to do it but I so often end up in this "bad space" Tonight I met up with this guy for a drink at Pecs, hes really cute and grounded and sweet.....and dating someone. The problem is I knew that ahead of time but... But.. I dont know is it normal to still meet up with someone you know you are attracted to thats not available? What was I expecting? I go out sometimes with the expectation that Ill flirt with someone or have a great conversation with someone, make a connection, get a phone number. Even if one of these things could happen, Id be content! But realistically how often does that happen?

I have a fear of being alone I think. I dont mean from moment to moment, I have lots of friends that I could spend 18+ hours a day with. I mean for eternity. I have a fear that I will die alone..and even worse die lonely. Do you know the difference?

Im learning to take myself out of a situation before I get REALLY down.. if im out with friends or whatever and I havent met someone or even flirted with someone Ill feel myself start to "sink" and rather than bring everyone around me down with me, Ill leave and go home. That also helps eliminate the possibility of things getting worse but it also eliminates the possibility of something good happening. So i leave depressed and lonely and I dont know how to change this behavior. I few weeks ago I wanted to "leave early" so I would quit feeling the pain of being alone.. I still worry about sinking that low again.

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa Obama

Do I have equal rights in this country yet? No I dont but at least I dont live in a place where I have to fear my government will execute me because of who I love, sure there are people in this country that would like to see gay people dead but its not law.. Im not gonna get on a soapbox right now, its the same conversation weve been having for 40 years. Can we just all get together and PLEASE get this done.. Im tired of feeling like less of a human being, less of a citizen of the good ol USA than my neighbor, my brother, or my best friend. Thats Really all I want for Christmas..

This song doesnt have a whole lot to do with equal rights, but the message is really the root of all the negative and evil issues in the world today.

Now I've been crying lately,
thinking about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating,
why can't we live in bliss

Cause out on the edge of darkness,
there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country,
come take me home again






Toys for Tots

Last night a group of friends and I went to Dave & Busters for an evening of food, fun and sharing. If you arent familiar with Dave & Busters its sort of like an adult Chuck E. Cheese. They have decent food, a bar and LOTS of various video games, interactive shoot em up and driving games, and good ol fashioned skee ball!! They also have those "grabber" hook games, Ya know the kind that tries to grab a stuffed animal, or in this case a NY Yankees "bling" pendant for Steve Calenzo. OY!

Daniel Crews came up with this great idea 4 years ago. Get a bunch of friends together grab a bite to eat at Dave & Busters before heading into the "fun zone" to win win win! All in the desire to give to Toys for Tots. There are a few different "package deals" where you get dinner and a set dollar amount of "game play". I went for the $23.99 package which included a blackened chicken pasta and $20.00 worth of games. Some of the games issue tickets when you win that can be exchanged for merchandise in their "gift shop"

With 7 grown men let loose for a couple of hours to act like children we were able to accumulate enough tickets to "purchase" 43 toys and stuffed animals to donate to Toys for Tots. Can you think of an easier way to give this Christmas? For around 25 bucks I was able to spend a couple hours eating, catching up, checking out cute straight men, and having a BLAST with some friends old and new. The best part of the evening was I got to do all of this AND help a child have a Happy Christmas!
So what are you waiting for? Get to Dave & Busters there is still time to give to Toys for Tots!





Toys for Tots @ Dave & Busters
In this photo: Bo Andras, Steve Calenzo, Jon Strmiska, James Mann, Daniel Crews, Kurt Cunningham, Jim Butler

With friends like that...

I guess because I was so tired from not sleeping last night I was pretty emotional this morning. I sorta lost it on Twitter. Not AT someone, well unless you count me as someone. I was blaming myself for stuff, questioning my feelings, wondering if it was possible to hate someone and love someone at the same time. It was a short rant but it may have upset some people. I dont mind so much anymore when people "un" friend me on Twitter, Ive done it for various reasons myself sometimes I even follow those people again. But its another thing to block someone on Twitter, that means they dont want you to follow them at all, they dont want you to see their tweets and they dont want to see yours.

Yet another friend of the ex did just that to me today. Oddly enough I thought he and I were friends. He had been very supportive to me in the past while still respecting his other friend (the ex) As recently as this morning he sent me a tweet to check on me. Now Im totally speculating here but I assume he blocked me because of my rant. He made one comment to me about it, not all that negative or harsh. I forgot about it until I wanted to send him a tweet and saw I was blocked.

Thinking back to the last 6 months that I have known him or of him he has done the same or similar thing to 6 people that I personally know (including me) Somehow he pulls people in and out of his life. One day he will cut ya off and the next hes flirting with you again.. I dont get why people allow that. Decide who you are gonna be and stick to it. He would the first one to call you out on your attitude, but try to mention his to him... well lets just say I only made that mistake once.

Im slowly but surely having my feelings about these "people" justified, Im a pretty good judge of character and everything I said or felt about these people is slowly but surely coming to light. I was always told I was too critical or wrong about my thoughts on these people but the proof is in the pudding. And I hate to admit it but it feels good to see all this coming to light. I feel vindicated

My friends to my knowledge have not caused "anyone" any problems or grief. None of my friends have told me they wanted to put the heel of their(military) boot through someones nose. None of my friends let alone 2 (or more) were going back and forth sharing conversations. None of my friends called anyone names or wished them to overdose in an alley. But these are all things AND MORE that I have had to deal with.. Im not saying my friends may not have had these thoughts..but to my knowledge they have been respectful and stayed out of it..

If I didnt have all this bullshit to deal with maybe just maybe Id be over it by now.. God knows im sick and tired of dealing with this still.. It really makes me appreciate my friends even more.

I expect there will be comments made on this blog.. Lets see how many have the balls to put a name behind their words. I had 2 comments on previous blogs abouy one of these "people" unfortunately they used someones last name so I had to delete it out of respect. They were good comments, supporting what I felt. I was disappointed no one got to see them.

Blogging

Well as you may have guessed I have not been able to sleep at all tonight.

Ive spent the time reading some of my friends blogs, Im new to this blogging thing but im worried that Im going to get bored with it really fast. While reading the blogs of people I know I would go back a year or so or to January 08 and read forward.

Its almost like you could just recycle last years blogs. Its all the same stuff repeated, Meet a guy online, date a guy, hang out with friends, cut back on drinking, break up with the guy, get sick, think too much, bitch about stuff, try to loose the same 20 pounds they talked about losing the year before.

I know for me next year will NOT be a repeat from last year. I plan on learning for my mistakes and applying the lessons to maybe try something new. I guess im glad I started blogging so I can use it as a manual.. of what NOT to do in 2010

Too much on my mind

Wow, I havent blogged in awhile so I have so much to say.. I hope I dont bore you. Its amazing how great I have been feeling lately, (for the most part) I have my ups and downs but Ive been separating myself from the negative people in my life. Ive been seeing 2 therapists and trying to put myself in positive situations.

Tonight a Twitter friend told me he was considering hurting himself.. Well that touched too close to home so I asked him if I could call him.. I did and we talked for quite awhile hes got some issues goin on that arent too different from a lot of people in the country right now, the difference is he doesnt have a lot of resources available to him because of where he lives. I told him of my recent issues and he told me some of his problems that are forefront in his mind. I gave him some ideas that I hope will help him, told him there was someone out there (ME) that cared enough about him to call and check in on him from time to time (I wish he lived closer) Hes REALLY cute, has a great voice, and a...I better stop here. Helping someone to feel a little better is what Ive always been about, all my friends that have known me for years know I am a giving, nurturing and caring person. I felt really good for putting a smile on this boys face. Is that selfish? Im gonna keep an eye on this Boy for awhile.. Hes got such great potential, he just needs to see it in himself. Ive got my eye on you!!


Ive really worked on eliminating some of the negative people out of my life.
I had to delete a friend on Twitter and Facebook I met via the ex. He lied to me about one of my facebook friends that he had dated, yet told me he never met him?? He was also sharing too much of our conversations with the ex. as well as their conversations with me. It got to the point it was just hurting me more than anything. The personal things this person shared with me werent that easy to read either. I mean how would you like to read about someone you still had feelings for (at the time) "intimate moments" with another person? I still dont know why he did that. I guess he still has a thing for my ex and maybe he was trying to push me further away from him so he could have another shot? Who knows?

Another friend that I really liked (enough to go visit in the hospital) kept deleting my positive and encouraging comments on his FB page. Finally I said to the ex "if he doesnt like me why doesnt he delete me as a friend instead of just erasing my comments?" Well it only took 2 days after that conversation for him to delete me. Coincidence?

If ya follow my blog you may remember the one titled Get your daily dose of crazy right here. That was also about one of the ex's friends.

I dont for a minute think he encouraged them to act like this, but as he said he keeps some at an arms length so thats not exactly discouraging them either. Im done tryin to figure out his friends with two faces. The damage they have done has been far more difficult to deal with because I get no answers or conversation to figure out why they do what they do. So when I come to my own conclusions here in my blog thats not a bad thing is it?
I will play with a dog until it snaps at me and then I am done.

Ive realized through all of this I really let others words and actions effect how I feel. I know I know everyone thats reading this is slappin their hand on their forehead sayin DUH! Honestly theres still part of me that needs everyone's approval or acceptance. I dont know where that comes from. There are some people that I just will never please, and there are some people that can never be pleased with anything and then others that are just too insecure. The sooner I learn that I will NEVER please EVERYONE better off Ill be.. OK so when?

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook youve seen me me talk about a crush I have on someone. Well I recently told him of my feelings and he was accepting of it and maybe even encouraged it. (we will see what happens) We will call him "A" well A was on a business trip recently and I didnt get the usual quick replies to my emails and it really bummed me out for a day or so.. Guess what? he was just busy working. As soon as he got home (tonight) he emailed me apologizing and telling me he was also very sick. I am on cloud nine right now. Hes REALLY hot and we understand each other, been through similar situations, etc etc So once again I am letting others actions OR what I believe their actions to be affect my moods.. I was down when I didnt hear from him and now Im up because I got that email.. Thats not healthy is it?


There is this other cutie that I met at a party recently and when I posted something on his FB wall he emailed me and told me he had to delete it cuz he was dating someone and they didnt like it.. BUMMER.. well I decided to follow up with him, YEP they are still dating but hes open to making friends so thats cool. That made me very happy. Now those are normal feelings to have right?


So heres another blog with an anti climactic ending.. thats what happens when you are just sharing feelings as opposed to telling a story.. I dont do this to entertain people i do it to help get stuff off my chest and maybe someone else will read it and relate. Its happened before.. but I deleted those blog posts.

what do you deserve

we all get what we deserve. Sometimes it can be good and sometimes it can be bad, with that being said: Every single choice that we make every single day gets us what we deserve. What do you choose to deserve?

What lead me to the hospital

Before you read this, please realize that these are my feelings and opinions based on this occasion.. Life is progressive, things and situations change. I could feel a certain way about someone in this blog but this was almost 2 weeks ago. Things have progressed and you will read about it in upcoming blogs.

On November 24th early in the morning I sent my ex an email, a very sweet and revealing email... well here it is:

I remember talking about how nice it would be when it got cold so we could really cuddle, Summer time was soo hot.

I hope u dont mind me sending you these emails.. sending them to you helps me keep it off facebook and twitter, although I did just tweet something about u.

I wish i didnt screw things up so bad, if I hadnt maybe we would soon be at a point where we could just cuddle together. If that is ever a possibility i would love it you know u are always welcome at my place.. if u ever are out and dont have a place to stay..
XXXX do you miss the good times at least? Do you miss me ever? I mean the "good" me?

Well, what he replied with had nothing to do with the email I sent him, but it was his feelings about the previous blog I wrote about his friend Jake that I wrote the day before.. He had plenty of opportunity to email me and dig into me like he did. But for some reason he chose to reply to me at a very weak and vulnerable moment.

I cant even begin to describe to you how I felt when i was reading this anger filled email from him.. I sort of blacked out. Tellin me the people around him asked who the crazy guy was after I was SCREAMING at Jake was definitely an exaggeration and very cruel of him to say. He said I approached Jake first and that is simply not true. I spoke to Jake first but Jake's attitude was thrown at me from a great distance long before I got near to them. When I spoke to Jake it was a simple Hello. The attitude grew even more. The boy is a Rugby Player in San Diego they dont have the best reputation for being all that respectful or friendly. ANYWAY A friend of mine AND the ex was standing right next to me when i "went off" on Jake and he agreed it was not nearly as bad as what the ex made it out to be in his email. He even went on to say "I myself don't know all the details, nor do I really want to." REALLY? you dont know the details but your gonna CHOOSE to go off on me anyway? priceless.. He went on to talk about how Jake is protective of him because of what I did to him? REALLY? you dont see my friends attacking Jake for making comparisons of me to Eeyore or telling me to go overdose in an alley or something.

It took 5 emails from me before the ex would even apologize for accusing me of sharing info about Jake that he thought was set to private on FB when it wasnt (It still is 100% public) Way to back a friend huh?

THEN he throws the attorney thing in my face again. In reality the only people that have anything to lose if an attorney got involved would be him and his friend Jake. The ex doesnt have a computer at home so 99% of his blogging, twittering and Facebooking is done from work, and a good portion of it would probably be considered inappropriate for the workplace. I know his boss knows hes on the internet to some degree because it was brought up once.

Anyway like I said I blacked out. Somehow I got it in my head that I was gonna hurt myself, a couple of friends from Twitter were so kind to me.. Texting me and Tweeting me trying to get me to call 911 or tell them where I was.

Im not gonna go into details as to what I tried to do but there was a point when I realized I was "out of my mind" and I called my Dr.

He advised me to go to the emergency room, and thats what I did. I gotta stop for now.. Im starting to get a little upset right now..

Time to take a walk

Flakey Jake

So this is a little weird for me to be writing a blog about someone I dont know very well. This kid Jake was first brought to my attention by my ex Gooster. Its a friend of his, however the majority of the time we dated the ex didnt really have too many good things to say about Jake, as a matter of fact his nick name is IS FLAKEY JAKE. The ex has written many blogs about this guy, both positive and negative.

Hes a young kid thats in the military, hes on a gay(ish) rugby team here in town. Now before you all think I am throwin his business out in the street you should know that ALL of this info is on his public facebook profile so im not disclosing anything he hasnt made public already.

On 2 different occasions Jake made plans with us to hang out.. Once for the beach which he flaked on simply by not returning messages left for him. the other for the movies which he flaked out on about an hour before the movie started.. Not even having the balls or decency to cancel with the ex.. He canceled via another friend.

On 3 different occasions I had sent Jake friend requests on Facebook.. 2 of those times was during the period of time I was dating Gooster the other when things were a little rocky, yet still I was extending the olive branch All 3 requests were denied.

So now the point of this blog post.. Jake seems to have a temper or something. On 3 different occasions Jake has "gone off" on me on other peoples Facebook page. The first 2 times were on Goosters page. Now I dont remember the first one exactly, but the second time Gooster said I deserved it.. OK FINE I disagree but whatever.. After the second time Jake was being a bitch to me on FB i saw him out at Bear night.. I asked him how his event that night went and he replied to me kindly.. I thought things were ok with him and I.. The next day a mutual friend even said he mentioned I was nice to him the night before.

The third time was clearly Jakes being a little bitch. A mutual friend had posted this. "can't help but feel a little bit negative right now. going to sleep it off soon" I clicked the like button for this.. in my mind I was liking the fact that this friend was gonna sleep off the negativity. in JAKES mind this was his reply.

Jake Bxxxxxxx: really, you like that he is feeling negative? go overdose in an alley or something.

OK I could end this blog right now and most people would understand why this kid has pissed me off so much.. BUT NO.. it gets better..

Tonight at the Hole Jake was there with Gooster. If you have been following along you know that Gooster and I are doing OK.. My friends are happy with that and our mutual friends seem to be comfortable being around both of us. For some reason Jake cant seem to pull his head out of his ass to be cordial. AGAIN i was nice and said hello only to be greeted with a smug and arrogant attitude from Jake RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FRIEND. well i had enough of his attitude. I simply said REALLY JAKE? you cant pretend to be nice? His reply was "NO everyone knows Im not a nice person." COOL!! Im so glad you decided to verify the fact that you are an ass!

Shortly after that I received a very nice text message from someone that was nearby the situation. he just told me he was remaining neutral to the situation and basically i should let it roll of my back (my words not his) but you get the idea. I was SOOOO impressed by this persons message. I hope I get an opportunity to have a conversation with him sometime soon.

I turned away from him and walked away shortly after that.. The look of embarrassment on Goosters face (whether caused by me or Jake) was painful to see.
I sent Gooster a text apologizing for him having to see that although it was inevitable. a few mins later I went up to Gooster and apologized as well. He started to comment by saying I dont wanna... I cut him off and said I dont expect a reply I am simply wanted to say sorry. At hat time I told him i was leaving and going to Pecs.

Well I got to Pecs and who was there? Yep.. both of them. No worries Gooster and our friend Jeffrey hung out a bit and talked. But when Jake came around the little bitch kept tryin to stare me down.. OH HELL NO!! Luckily Gooster caught on and they went inside.. Jeffrey and I left shortly after that.. Gooster came up and gave me a hug goodbye.. Hes a good guy.. God knows what he is doing hanging around with Jake, I guess thats thing thing about friendships, there's more to it than everyone may know. I hope Jakes behavior doesn't reflect poorly on Gooster, but when you announce to everyone around you that you are not a nice person, people are gonna start avoiding you when you are out.

But really what the fuck is Jake's deal? does he not care how his friend feels? Why would you go off on somebody's friend on their facebook page?? Gooster and I are getting along.. why would u be a bitch and make things uncomfortable for your friend? I have my thoughts on this.. but i think Ill leave my opinions to myself.. Ive only given you the facts in this blog.. we will leave it at that

What can I say?? What havent I said?

I think Im figuring some things out.

This morning I woke myself up calling out someones name.. I was actually having a weird dream, somehow he had set his blog up to accept voice comments and yes I still read his blog so i thought id leave a comment for him. I kept saying " _____ Im scared" I kept repeating it over and over until I woke myself up saying it.. I wasnt screaming or yelling I was pretty calm.

Ive lashed out at him a lot recently. Im realizing why.

I made a MAJOR life change at the same time our relationship ended, so not all of my anger that I have directed towards him is really even about him. Its about me being scared out of my fucking mind. Its so easy to blame everything on someone else, its a cowardly way but its what I did. Hell ive lost track of time now I think weve maybe been broken up longer than we even dated. Hes a really good guy and that didnt help. LOL You know what I mean.. You want the person to be an asshole so you can move on.. He could be the biggest asshole in the world and I would still miss him, because he reminds me of a time I felt good.. My business was still open, he and I had fun together and I was doin alright.. I was getting by. Now I dont even have $ to pay my rent.. Im struggling and not making it at all. So of course I long for thwe days that I felt good, and most recently that was with him. In my mind he is the one preventing me from feeling good again.. So I lash out in anger.

Ive been lashing out at him because Im scared and he isnt there to make me feel better.. or so I thought..But he is there for me. Ive just pushed him so far away.. I thought that Ive pushed him so far that we may never be friends again. So once again im gonna throw his business out there for everyone to know.. Hes been so supportive the last few days. I honestly dont know what I would have done without him. He isnt quite the person I would call in the middle of the night, although a couple nights ago I was tempted, I held back.

His friends probably wonder why he doesnt hate me.. Well if you wonder that then you probably dont really know him at all. You will probably never know the reasons he is even talking to me right now but ill just say compassion and concern are two of the qualities he holds that allow him to not hate me. Ive disappointed him and angered him and Im sure he has had his moments of nearly hating me..anyway I cant or wont speak for him.

If you are his friend on Twitter or Facebook please dont give him any grief over this. I think Ive done enough of that to last a lifetime. Instead give him a "virtual" hug for me. He deserves it. While youre at it I could use some hugs too

Get your daily dose of Crazy right here

I try to understand how some people like to rip on others just for pleasure? Does it make them feel better? I mean really, there are people that are publicly following my blog that never comment on it here, but on Twitter and other places they rip on me or as you saw in the previous blog they will throw shit out there to me on Twitter.

I dont follow (most of) these peoples Twitter accounts nor am I friends with them on Facebook, so how do I find out what they are saying? Not too difficult to figure out.
Faggots can be cruel, they LOVE to tell everyone what they know, some have such HUGE insecurities that they feel like it makes them important or something to be the one to know "everything". So the VERY people you are having a conversation with about me on Twitter may very well be the same person telling me everything thats going on. Whether I like it or not. I think people believe they are doin me a favor by letting me know what people are saying... So here it is.. It doesnt help.

The ex recently deleted 40-50 of our mutual friends from his FB account. The funny think is he didnt delete the people that are telling me what he or his friends are doin and saying!! Just my luck, CLASSIC, FML... choose one.

The stuff that I write here comes from my hurt, pain, confusion, my insecurities, etc. Where does your need to rip on me come from? Do you have anything constructive to say?

I know Cory doesnt talk to people about me (too much), his closest friends tell me they dont even have private conversations about stuff. So im sure he didnt tell any of his friends what he went through with me a couple weeks ago. How he "talked me down off a ledge". So you throw that word crazy around all you want.. Nobody will be able to hold me down and "knock the crazy out of me". Did you miss the blog where I said I was on anti-depressants? And your gonna call me crazy? WOW thats cold, and heartless.. the word PATHETIC comes to mind too.

That is hurtful and harmful, and for what reason? REALLY, WHAT REASON?
Just for fun? In the middle of the day for NO apparent reason other than boredom lets read the crazy guys blog and laugh at him about it? NICE!

If my sadness and depression make you feel better about your lives Im glad I could help..


UPDATE! 4 hours AFTER I posted my blog he posts this.. If you read the comments he said it has nothing to do with me.. Does he think we are stupid? I mean REALLY? Hes already used the rabbit in the pot reference about me on Twitter a couple of times.. What an asshole!! Well then he goes on to say.. Well, part of it might have a twinge of you, not just you though, you aren't the first nor only "Stacy" in my life and you didn't inspire this post. We have since both deleted our comments on his blog.. which is for the best.. The person that I was mostly speaking of here has since un-followed my blog which is also a good thing.

Well let me just say if ya have a history in stalkers in your life you may wanna take a look at what YOU are doing to cause it. Cuz ya definitely aint all that!! So maybe JUST maybe YOU are the one that is dragging this out?? MAYBE??

Just A Dude Talking About Life: Watch Out For Stacy

DUH!

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But
rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong
person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

How can you not see what you do?

So last night I sent him a message on FB telling him I needed to remove him as a friend well here is what I sent

I think its best for me to delete you as a "friend" We are not good TO each other or good FOR each other.. Im too sensitive and your actions continue to hurt me. I hope one day things will change for you and I but for now this is whats best.

As long as I live I will always have a place in my heart for you Cory.

Good bye
Kurt

I then sent him a text because I wanted him to read it right away before I removed him him because i wasnt sure if he would get the email after I removed him as a friend...So

i sent a text and he replied with.. OK have had you hidden since Wed for myself. Well first of all that's a lie because he had made comments on my page as late as Thursday. So maybe he hid it from the news feed but he was still reading it.. and secondly
REALLY? You felt the need to tell me that? WHY because it would make you feel better to have the upper hand? You had to have the final word? WHAT THE FUCK is that about? It was a hard decision for me and I thought I sent him a nice email about it, but he just had to turn it around and make me feel bad once again!!!

THAT is why I told him to forget he ever knew me.. Because I couldnt take him CONSTANTLY trying to knock me down so he would feel better about himself. I have a hard enough time makin myself feel OK I dont need to be anyone's emotional punching bag.

The dangers of online "personas"

You have to wonder why someone would hide behind a fake name on Facebook? I can understand using screen names on sex hook up sites like manhunt or Bear411 or whatever, but on FB you have the ability to decide who sees you. You can allow people to view everything or completely block someone from your account. So why the need for a screen name on FB? A few reasons perhaps... you dont want anyone to see the real you? You can say or do whatever you wish to and not truly be held accountable for it? You can be WHOEVER you want behind a screen name, and no one ever has to know the real you. THAT is a scary thought and it should have been a HUGE red flag to me. Is it a split personality? Maybe, Ive had another persona before but mine was REAL not a fictional character created for Facebook!! A nickname is understandable but having a different personality completely? Thats just strange. Just so you dont think I made this up here is an excerpt from a blog the ex wrote recently (see the link at the bottom for full story)

Gooster is just a part of me, a part that is portrayed on the internets. Though, through Twitter, Facebook, and here, you probably get a pretty good idea of who I am, there is still a part of me that I don't put out there. I am happy when I hear that people enjoy Gooster! He is a great guy, but not geared for real-world applications outside of social situations.

I say this because I met my ex and now friend on Facebook. We met, and of course, he met more Gooster than the whole me. I think he fell for Gooster. I can only compare it to falling in love with a clown, but the man underneath isn't what you expect.

So hes saying for the 9-10 weeks we dated I didnt get to know the real him? I wonder how that happened? Because he HID behind Gooster! XXXX is NOTHING like Gooster.. Gooster is fun, funny, playful. XXXX is none of those things.
I just hope he doesnt "entice" anyone else into his real life with by using his "fake" life. Thats just so unfair!

At one point Facebook was going to delete any account that didnt have a real name, because of the dangers associated with it.. I dont know what ever happened with that Im sure he does, he wrote a blog about that too.


Like I said before I put EVERYTHING out here for everyone to see. Its always the quiet ones you should be nervous of because you dont know where you stand with them.

whoa whoa whoa Feelings

Ive been searching for something from someone I will NEVER get. Ive apologized to no end for my part of a situation, Ive taken my part of the blame. Things have been said in blogs like my own demons and fears probably played a bigger roll than I am currently willing to admit. I guess I was still waiting for the admission or the apology or owning up to some of the blame OR something. But its become clear to me I wont get that. The maybe and the probably remain just that.

Yesterday I was upset about something, my feelings were hurt. Instead of hearing the words that I hoped to hear I was told every which way why I was wrong for having the feelings I had. A simple Im sorry you feel that way or Im sorry you had to read that would have helped. But to tell someone their feelings are not valid is something that I have always said is just wrong to do.

Im still trying to please someone, to know I pleasured them, searching for their approval but its become obvious I never will. My friends last night made me realize Ive been beating this dead horse for weeks now.. They told me "IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN."

When I got home last night I saw this on Facebook
"Tired of talking common sense when people would rather waste their time rationalizing why it's never their responsibility than just focusing on fixing the problem."

You could have taken the words right out of my mouth. Thats exactly how I have been feeling about this situation. When 2 people are stubborn there will never be a "winner". Yesterday I threw my hands up and just said OK you're right, and the back and forth emails, etc stopped.


You CANNOT turn your feelings on and off, what you are really doing is just pushing them down and suppressing them until you blow up later, and to what degree will you explode? Ulcers, heart attack, stroke "going postal" or just general irritability are all things that happen to people that dont show their feelings AND that dont let love in their hearts. No thanks!!

I saw this on Twitter a few days ago.. I thought it was so funny but so true
"I like my feelings pushed down, compressed, so they come out at random & inappropriate times." Veronica - MERCY

I need to get my feelings out there, I dont wanna go postal on anyone or get ulcers like my Mother has had, and probably has now over seeing me go through all of this.

I dont mean to hurt anyone with this blog, Im putting it out there and if anyone reads it and is hurt by it, well I guess they "did it to themselves by choosing to read it". Or thats what Ive been told anyway

Just A Dude Talking About Life: Life Sucks! Get Over it!

One GIANT step back for me

I know life goes on, people move on..

I just read something that made me so incredibly sad..

I dont know what to about this, I knew this day would come but.

Just because its too soon for me doesnt mean it is for him.

I hate finding out about stuff like this, when Im sitting home alone.

I feel so stupid, Wednesday night I was tweeting about someone while they are definitely NOT thinking about me..

I feel so foolish, I thought todays FB "stuff" was good, some progress had been made, but it had nothing to do with me.

Wow, this hurts a lot, I cant imagine how I will feel if I see it in person, do I male other plans for Sunday now?

Just A Dude Talking About Life: Oops, Was That Out-loud?

Guess who?

The NFL??




The NBA?






36 have been accused of spousal abuse


7 have been arrested for fraud


19 have been accused of writing bad checks


117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses



3 have done time for assault



71, I repeat, 71 Cannot get a credit card due to bad credit



14 have been arrested on drug-related charges


8 have been arrested for shoplifting



21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,



And



84 have been arrested for drunk driving, just in the last year!!!


Can You guess which organization it is?









Give up yet?









Neither,





It's the sleaze you sent to Washington some of the 535 members of the United States Congress.



The same group of parasites that crank out hundreds of new laws each year,

designed to keep the rest of us in line.


Be sure you pass this on!


BTW They all have excellent Health Care paid for by you.

You may be interested to know that the quarterly earnings reports are out, and the health care insurance companies did very well. One company reported earnings of 1.3 BILLION dollars for the three months ending Sept 30th. That would be money they earned when they refused to pay the expense of their insured. How did an insurance company earning 5.2 billion dollars a year get between you and your doctor???

Mariah is still crazy after all these years

This is my very FIRST blog way way back from April 2008, I dug it up from MySpace just because once again I'm so sick of seeing Mariah Carey on every damn show known to man.

I get it shes a great singer! But so is Barbra Streisand and you sont see her nose on TV every damn day. Leave us some mystery Marah, at this point I have no desire to hear your music or buy your dumb ass perfume. You are OVER EXPOSED!!!

I do want to go see the movie she is in that's coming out this week Precious, the thing is I didnt even recognize her when I first saw the previews. She looks like a NORMAL person.. alright alright enough bitching about Mariah.. I can feel my friends hair standing up on the back of his neck... well if he had hair it would be..

MUAH!!


April 2008

Hey Bitches

Here it is my first blog, Im sure you aren't as excited as I am. I decided to finally do this blog thing because I have too many random thoughts goin on in my head all the time, and I'm sure my friends and clients get sick of hearin me go on about some of this useless information I have stockpiled in my brain.

Like I said useless, random information, observations, and senseless rambling is pretty much all this blog is gonna have.. OH WAIT how could I forget about my opinions.. I always have one and for all that know me already you know I'm usually right on with my opinions, if not I'm sure I can convince you through charm and bullshit that I am right.. Got it? cool.. lets do this..

What the fuck is up with Mariah Carey?? She is tryin so hard to convince us how much she has grown and emancipated herself!! The bitch is still crazy.. just a little thinner. It started with the Oprah show with MC taking us on a tour of her lingerie closet while what??? Dressed in lingerie fool!! This last week she was anywhere and everywhere on TV promoting her new ALBUM/CD/MP3 ?? what ever the fuck they call it these days.. anyway she is more concerned with posing for the camera and talkin about her new body than she is remembering the words to her own damn song..(Good Morning America) I was blown away by her on Live with Regis and Kelly...guuurrrlll she could not stop checkin her makeup and hair in the video monitor.. even commenting on it herself.. Then she lit up the Empire State Building in "her colors" blush and bashful.. oh wait thats Steel Magnolias. her colors are pink and lavender WHATEV!! so shes trying to stand next to this electrical box prop all and sexy and shit, but she couldn't flip the dang switch to turn on her lights since she was standing there propped and posed perfectly to show everyone how skinny she is. She hasnt grown that much since her days of rollin around in her bathtub on M TV's Cribs if ya ask me.. Now Im not saying her album ain't the shit.. cuz it is good... BUT Mariah needs to stay home a couple days this next week otherwise were gonna be sick of seeing the skinny bitch posing anywhere she can..

Saturday in the park probably not what you think

I have been avoiding writing about this because I know its gonna upset me but I gotta get it out. Saturday was SUCH an emotional day for me. I moved everything out of my "new" office and closed my business completely. Ok that was hard but I knew it was coming and I was able to deal with it OK.


The really emotional part was meeting up with "C" (the ex) for a chat. He let me talk and talk and talk, he let me cry, He was VERY supportive, and patient, there were a couple of times I know he was biting his tongue. I appreciated it. He told me a couple of things that were very hard to hear, but these things were very important for me to know and it really has helped me to understand why I react the way I do at times. Things are becoming crystal clear to me now. I wish I could go into it more, but its very personal stuff and I cant make it all public.

I asked him for 30 mins of his time that day, who was I kidding?? we talked for a couple of hours.. Like I said I did some crying during that time, but the worst of it was when we said goodbye. He gave me a hug and that sent me into a tale spin.. I walked away from him crying so hard I had to sit on the step of a house a couple doors down. I pulled myself together after a couple of minutes and walked across the street to the park where I cried some more.

Later that night was Nightmare on Normal Street (a Halloween street fair thing) I mentioned to him that I was going with Nicole (the host of event) and that if he wanted to meet us at the gate i could get him in free, blah blah blah. Well he did meet me there and I wasnt expecting it to be so difficult. He showed up alone and i kinda freaked out a bit, was he gonna hang out with me? I wasnt expecting him to and he knew that, but I didnt know what was goin on and every time i started to ask him what his plans were we would run into someone we knew. The confused looks on peoples faces just made me more upset. After he said hi to Nicole he went his way and I went mine and all is well.. I wasnt really in the greatest of moods that night. it was a tough day and I was tired. I went home and was back on the couch by 930.

Something that is helping me move on is the fact that Im finding out not as many people read "the blog" last weekend as I thought. People that I was certain had read it didnt even KNOW about it.. WHEW!! Thats making me feel better for sure

I still miss him greatly.. I miss the fun times, and I miss just hangin out with him
I cant take back the past and I cant live in the past, but now that our friendship is starting to heal I feel better about the future..

Down so Low

I have been a HUGE fan of Linda Ronstadt for years. This is my favorite song of hers. This live version is OK, but if you ever get the chance to listen to the studio version with the choir youll be blown away. Its amazing.. Sadly the words to this song really hit close to home right now. Its probably a good thing that I forgot about this song until tonight. The video is at the bottom of this page.


When you went away I cried
Cried for so long
And I wanted you to stay
Ah but that was all wrong

The pain you left behind
Has become part of me
And it's burned out a hole
Where my love used to be

But it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place

Well you know I love you
But that wasn't enough
We both fell apart
When things got too tough
And I've learned how to give now
But what good
But what good would that do
No one can touch me
The way you used to do

And it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place

Well I know your opinion
Of me is not good
Please try to understand
That I'd change
Well I'd change if I could
And this coldness inside me
Well it's starting to build
And a woman can't be a woman
Unless she's fulfilled

But it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place
There's no one can

Fun Zone

For years I was the life of the party, I was always happy, always had a smile on my face. People REALLY enjoyed being around me. My answering machine was always full. Slowly over the past few years that's all changed. I turn down social invites, Id rather stay home alone.. I'll stand in the back of the room instead of front and center like before.

I realized tonight that the end of the fun becomes a major bummer for me. I was having a great time tonight, but I needed to get home and get some rest for my busy day tomorrow. As soon as I left the bar I got SO DOWN. Yesterday I was hanging out with a friend, we had lunch, he helped me move a few things, i was doin alright but as soon as I was getting ready to take him home my mood crashed HARD.

The fun used to never end for me so I guess i never had the "let down". I get so depressed when I realize the fun is over and I have to go back to being alone.. Maybe thats why I turn down invites? If there's no high there will be no low?

Ive always been so independent, but right now the thought of being alone paralyzes me. Im sitting here at home now SO LOW, how does this happen so quickly?? What can I do to change this? The contradictions in my mood from moment to moment are so confusing to me..

Sometimes silence isnt golden

I was scared to read his latest blog, its so weird he hasnt written anything in weeks, but for some odd reason I decided to check it last night. He had JUST posted something within minutes of me checking his blog.

There was only one thing there that was a surprise to me, well maybe 2 things. The fact that he was sharing part of himself with everyone was surprising. Some of it was exactly what I had had felt and had expressed through my blog about him, yet not as eloquently or tastefully (I have since removed that post) His blog said SO much but he said it with very few words.. Thats something I would like to learn how to do. SOMETIMES less can be more.

I was so proud of him for doing that for himself. People do like his online persona, but nobody really knows "C". I guess I didnt either. (that was the other surprise in his blog) I think if he does let people in, he would be surprised how much easier REAL friendships and relationships would be. I dont think we ever had a chance with his walls, and my insecurities. Thats like oil and water. We never were 100% comfortable together I guess? Im still debating on that one. I think we had our moments, but maybe those moments were (as he said) with his online persona but not "the whole him" I guess I didnt get to know the real him. That bums me out a lot.

I hope people read his blog and continue to leave supportive comments for him, I think that would help him to realize its OK to share your feelings with people. Maybe not as much as I do. .

Major revelation..

I try to "save people" not change them, but save them. I have always tried to date the wrong guys. The guys that are broken in some way, unavailable in one way or another or just "not that into me" Those are the ones I try to hold on to the most. If you tell me your broken, BIG MISTAKE to me thats a cry for help and I cant let go until you are "fixed"

If you dont have any issues or if you treat me "too good".. I lose interest and find a way out

When Im not able to "fix" you I get very disappointed. Maybe disappointed in you at first, but then ultimately disappointed in myself for not living up to my unrealistic expectations of myself for not being able to save you.

Some of you maybe thinking, well who is he to think he is able to fix anyone.. I NEVER said I was perfect.. Me trying to save someone is problem in itself, I AM admitting my faults as I figure them out. Thats important to be able to do, because until we can admit to ourselves that we have faults we can never never move past them. We all work our stuff out differently, I (unfortunately) do mine publicly here on my blog. Sometimes I wish I never had learned how to do this blog thing. But I know some of my friends get tired of listening to me talk about it all.

**SIGH**


A new friend sent me this poem today, I wanted to share it with you.


"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we
lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what
we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back...! Don't expect love in
return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if
it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like
someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a
lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth;
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes
you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark
day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart
smile.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to
keep you human, enough hope to make you happy."

Like a buoy in a storm

Ya know those things that are out in the ocean, at the opening of a bay or harbor.
They bounce up and down in the water, during a storm they can sometimes become totally submersed, and pop right back up. Thats what I feel like each day with my moods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Its more down than up. The newspapers are piled up for 3 weeks now, the sink is full of dishes, i havent slept in my bed for over a week, at first it was because a big bed is too lonely, now its because all my clean clothes are piled on top of it and I cant get to it.

The ONLY thing I do take care of is the cat. I feed him and clean his litter box and I love him. I think he realizes I am sad because he lays on the couch with me whenever Im down, hes not sure what to think of the crying though, he runs in the other room and just stares at me.

I have to pull it together somehow, I need a job, I know once I feel like I have some purpose Ill feel better, I'll clean my house, Ill do the dishes. Its hard not having anything to look forward to each day. Maybe thats why I get the morning blues. When you wake up and your lying on the couch you realize.. wow this is all im gonna be doing today, and Im already doing it. Thats nothing to be excited about. Whats the point?

Maybe someday Ill find someone to date again. I doubt it will be anyone off Facebook, not after my meltdown there. Im sure everyone would be scared to go out with me now, no one is gonna wanna be the topic of one of my blogs. As you can see I am learning from my mistakes, I havent talked about anyone else in my blogs. Well except Joan Crawford and my cat, I dont think they mind though.

Mommie Dearest Moments

If you havent seen the movie you may not know what Im talking about. But try and follow along cuz youll probably understand by the time I am done

Recently I have been doing some stuff that is SOOO crazy that no one in their right mind....um wait a minute...let me re phrase that.

Lately I find myself in the middle of a situation that I have created yet I dont know how I start it or how to stop. Sometimes I dont even realize I am doing it, then all of sudden BAM!!! Oh my god, what did I just do?

If you saw Mommie Dearest dozens of times like I have, youll remember the various times when Joan Crawford was beating Cristina or cutting her hair off or chopping down the tree. She is in the mad mad rage and shes going and going and going then all of a sudden she stops, looks around and realizes what she has done, and starts to cry.

Yep thats me... This past weekend I made some bad choices and I kept doing it over and over again! Until this morning when it all came to a head and I realized WOW what have I done? I know some of you just rolled your eyes and thought oh no Kurt what are you doing? I wish some of you would have said something to me. There were 2 people that tried. One went about it the WRONG way and just made me angrier at that moment on Friday night. The other person on Saturday morning was very kind and told me in a simple calm way that isnt cool, he got to me and I removed the Facebook posts at least. He and I also got a chance to chat at Pecs a little and his calm understanding attitude was helpful.

Anyway.. Can I blame all of this on mid-life crisis? PLEASE? and how long will this mid-life crisis last? I need to get on with my life here and put all this behind me. Is that cool?

Its never too late to apologize

I knew it was wrong when I was writing it, I actually posted it and removed it 3 or 4 times, I went back and removed some stuff, added to it, etc etc.

I wont apologize for my thoughts or feelings, I stand by everything I said, BUT I should not have made them public, I definitely let my emotions get the better of me. As you may know Ive had some depression lately,the medication is finally kicking in and Im starting to balance out a bit.

Today I saw someone re-tweet something he said about me and it hurt, I then realized how much I must have hurt him with my thoughts and feelings put out there for everyone to see. Ive taken down the blogs I wrote about him, I have learned from this and I wont be making this mistake again. I also hope that our mutual friends will forgive me.


Cory, I know you read the blogs, I wish that I could take it away, and I wish that we had learned how to communicate with each other better. We moved too fast and we both made a lot of mistakes. I hope we can move forward although now i know we will probably never have a friendship. Ive made my bed, I have to suffer the consequences.
I AM sorry for posting the blogs about you.

WARNING!

There are some very personal stories in this Blog, I write this out so that I can work it out. Feel free to post comments here and tell me your opinions. HOWEVER anoynomous comments will be deleted. If you have something to say you better OWN it. Im not afraid to put my name and face to my words I ecpect the same of anyone else that his a guest here at my blog

Unexpected

WOW I had a really good day but about an hour ago the sadness crept in again. The same sad and lonely thoughts I have when I wake up in the morning. I really am looking forward to this being a thing of the past. I keep thinking about him, I cant help it.
I hate doing everything in life alone.. I really long to have someone to share everything in life with. The struggles, the triumphs, the good the bad and the ugly. Depression sucks but it sucks much less than loneliness. Saturday I was in a room full of people, yet i felt so alone.. DAMNIT

Im a little nervous about starting this new "routine" the Dr. put me on, Ive taken them before but I dont remember all the side effects. I remember feeling better in just a few days time.. I hope its the same this time.

Light at the end of the tunnel

WHEW!! The Doctors took care of me this AM with no trouble at all. I was there a few hours because there were other issues that I needed to address, but no need to worry everything is gonna be OK. I was given a prescription for my depression, its the same stuff I took 8 years ago, so I know what to expect and I cant wait to feel better. Just knowing how quickly this works for me I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. Why didn't I do this along time ago? Ive been depressed almost a year, but I just ignored it or hoped it would get better. Today for the first time in almost 2 weeks I have hope again.

Last night a strange thing happened that I didn't expect and it was OK, it thru me off a little bit but it was good. I wish I could have enjoyed It more but I was VERY nervous. Then a few hours later ANOTHER unexpected thing happened and it was wonderful. I know Im being vague right now but Im sharing TOO many details about some situations that involve other people and I never took into account how it would effect them.

OK DUH you dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am talking about here, but this is the beginning of respecting his privacy a little bit more. I see the stuff he posts on Facebook and its hard not to comment or "like" it. After all his sense of humor is what first attracted me to him on Facebook, and its hard to ignore his funny postings.

There are so many things I wish I could tell him, my impatience takes over sometimes, THATS one of the things I need to control better. He doesnt need to hear everything I think and feel about him, just as I dont need to hear everything he thinks and feels about me. BUT I do hope he reads my blog, I sure do miss his blog....and him. BUT Im getting better each day, and someday as he said "we will laugh"

Ive been listening to this damn song ALL week, but Ive resisted posting it, for me to post it DEFINITELY would seem dramatic, but when he posted it this morning it was just sweet

Damn it there I go again.. I gotta start respecting his privacy RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Get by with a little help from my "friends"

After the text I received at midnight I thought I would sleep much easier, but unfortunately sleep is escaping me now. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the text message and more to do with my anxiety over a couple of Dr. Appointments tomorrow. At the urging of a couple of friends I am going to see someone about my depression. Ive been on anti-depressants before, they certainly helped, even though the side effects of some of them really suck, especially for a single male as myself, but I think its more important that my mind is happy than my "body" (ya understand what I mean). I hate the feeling of not smiling on the inside right now. That feeling of my stomach turning inside out and the dark cloud that can instantly appear in my thoughts has become too frequent and it has to stop. If I hear one more person tell me to smile I think Ill scream! I know that this is all just temporary and this too shall pass.

I just experienced a couple of really difficult situations within a few days time. Ending a relationship for a 40 year old gay man can be debilitating in itself. Do you know the odds of a 40 year old gettin another date in this town? pretty slim, and we always wanna "trade up" from the last boyfriend right? Yeah well that gets more and more difficult (the last one was pretty hot)

THEN I pulled the rug out from under my own feet when I decided to close my business after my landlord decided not to renew my lease. Business has steadily declining for the last year plus, and I just couldn't do a move and keep my head afloat anymore. I guess hardest part of this decision is that I don't have a plan... YEP you heard me I don't have a job lined up. Trust me when I tell you that the stress of not having a job is MUCH LESS than the stress of trying to keep a business going financially when the money is just not coming in. Keeping the phone and lights on, buying supplies, the linen service, the Internet, the advertising, etc etc.

Again I don't know where I was going with this Blog posting.. I guess I was hoping it would make me sleepy and I could get a few hours in before my appointments in the morning.

So the Dr will most likely give me a prescription tomorrow to help me cope with all thats on my plate right now.. Instead of pills Im gonna call them "friends" and Ill get by with a little help from them

Wow

He still has anger he is processing. I knew he was angry the night he left, but I had no idea he still held it inside of him and could potentially "loose his cool". Hes been so sweet, how could I know he was still angry at me. I feel like such an ass for thinking we were OK enough to see each other face to face again.. Im feeling sad all over again....just when I was making progress.. Its not his fault Im feeling sad, its my fault. Im just sad I had to learn it from him today... I cant imagine how he feels.

Facebook Friends

Last night I was hanging out with some friends at their house having dinner and playing Wii, when one of them mentioned a mutual "friend" that also has a skin care business, and he told me he was moving back to his home state. I mentioned that I hadn't seen any Facebook posts from him recently and I was a little worried about him so I was gonna email him when I got back home.. Well a few minutes later my dinner host received a message saying I guess if I was posting 1,000 depressing posts everyday I would get an invite to your house for dinner too? WOW and this is a guy I was concerned about? When I got home I looked him up on Facebook and found that he had deleted me as a friend. This seems to be a common theme with me and people lately. In this case I'm fine with that, the only reason I had him as a friend was to keep an eye on him. A few months back he actually "stole" some trademarked information from my website and was using it in print and on his own website. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer!!

I know that I have been posting a lot of sad and depressing posts on Facebook lately but if you don't like it then Hide me. If you truly are a friend you'll wish me the best and check in on me from time to time to make sure I'm still around or hopefully doing better right? You wouldn't usually abandon a friend in need!!

I noticed another "friend" had deleted me last night, this was actually a friend of my ex. Last week sometime the ex and I had 114 mutual friends, now we have over 120. LOL Ive sent a couple requests to some of his friends and the others I dont know. But seeing that some of our pre-existing mutual friends deleting me is funny. Well I guess funny depending on why they deleted me. If its one of those "I only liked him cuz you were dating him" things - thats funny. Or more likely because of my depressing posts which as Ive said if you delete me because of that then you werent really a friend at all.

Oh by the way, I didnt feel sad as soon as I woke up this morning..

My brain works in mysterious ways

This morning when I woke up I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of sadness. Its crept in slowly this morning, but not as bad as it has been. Im really craving some interaction with my ex. When ever you break up and things are all good between you it makes things slower in moving on. When all you can remember is the good times it makes you want more of those times together. We really didn't have too many bad times.. Actually there was only one and that was the night we broke up. Im obsessing over him a little bit Im sure. as I said in a previous post its like a drug for me.. I crave him, and sometimes a little dose of him gets me through the day. Last week it was so great he would send me encouraging messages and it made me feel really great. Weekends are his time to forget his worries and woes and let loose a bit so he isn't to communicative then. I don't even know where I am going with this right now.. I guess I'm just trying to type things out and work em out in my head. I just know that I really do miss him and the good times we had, I miss his smell, and I miss his arms around me at night. This past weekend was tough.. weekends were our time, and this was the first weekend without him... OK now Ive depressed myself..

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers

This week has been a crazy week for me. I have only written bits and pieces of everything happening this month. I will tell you everything in time, but for now just the important stuff.

Early last week I received an email from someone on my friends list that I had never met or "spoke" with. I remember sending him a friend request cuz hes HAWT.. anyway his email was so sweet and went on (and on) to tell me of his past trials and troubles in life and how I maybe able to apply my current issues to his solutions. It brought me to tears then and still does. i haven't been able to properly reply to his email because I simply cant get through it with out bawling..

Weve had some brief interaction throughout the weekend and today. The best interaction came this past weekend. Saturday night I went to bed around 10pm, when I woke up Sunday at 6AM I noticed I had a text that came in at 2AM saying "Kurt go to bed" LOL i replied and a couple hours later I received a response saying OMG Im so sorry, I saw you posted something on Facebook and I thought you were awake.. I was so drunk!" LOL I was so flattered that someone cared enough about a strangers well being to send an email as he did. AND then to find my phone number on Facebook and send me a text message. There was a text today asking me to smile.. I sound like I'm gushing over this guy and ya maybe I am, but I'm cool with that, its nice to feel like someone cares about my well being, plus he has a boyfriend and I am in NO place to make googly eyes at someone right now. Its just a great feeling to know there are good people out there that just care about people like this, people that are connected to others and care about perfect strangers. This is the type of people I am used to in my life. Considerate, polite people...

So today, I am sitting at home watching The View with one eye opened (Elisabeth was back today) and my phone rang.. WOW another surprise. A totally different person that I had NEVER met and maybe barely interacted with from Facebook called me to give me his support and encouraging words. He told me of his 15 year relationship and how just shortly after they broke up his ex-lover died.. HOW THE FUCK can I feel badly about my situation compared to this persons situation? Well he quickly put me at ease telling me the amount of time you are with someone should have no bearing on the strength of your feelings (I am paraphrasing) Can you imagine? Someone going through the emotions of a 15 year relationship calling me to give me some words of encouragement? I was blown away.

This afternoon on Facebook I posted this status update.

Would you (my friends) prefer I not post my true feelings here? would you rather I post meaningless vague stuff and pretend im happy?

wow I never expected the comments to come in like they did. I have some friends with very strong opinions. One friend really didnt like the fact that I used Facebook to air my emotions and feelings. Some of my other friends went on the defensive (for me) against him. But honestly I didnt have a problem with what he had to say, I was prepared for all types of comments, I actually thought more people would think as he did. If EVERYONE told me what I wanted to hear I would never make any progress. I have a feeling he has hidden my status updates, I'll have to remember to email him when I get passed my current issues and let him no its "safe" to un-hide me. :-)

Today started out SHITTY, but its ending on a much happier note, thanks to the kindness of strangers.

Its been 7 days 8 hours

Ill certainly be happy when things change, I'm tired of feeling sad and lonely the moment I open my eyes. I went to a Birthday Party last night and I tried to have fun, but I don't think I succeeded because 2 people came up to me and told me to smile. I don't know what my problem is, I know hes out having lots of fun this weekend and I'm truly happy he is, I'm just a little jealous that I'm not able to get over this hump too. I'm trying to figure out if he is truly the reason I am sad or if its everything that happened this week at once. I REALLY miss his company, and cuddling with him. It seemed like all my worries would disappear when he was here with me, maybe that's what I miss?
I set my alarm clock 10 minutes earlier than he needed to get up just to ensure some cuddle time before he left to go to work. Maybe I need to change the alarm now that hes gone.. That maybe the reason I think of him as soon as I wake up. I guess its probably time to throw away his toothbrush too. I haven't even put the dishes away that he did last weekend. I keep seeing reminders of him everywhere... The hardest was the "note" he wrote on my whiteboard and he wrote (dont erase) next to it!! Damn am I trying to hold on to something still or what?

My RT friends and Facebook friends are very supportive, I wish I was able to move on a little faster, I'm doing my best, and I'm really sorry if you all are tired of reading all my depressing posts. Just feel thankful you are just READING them and not FEELING them like I am.

Drinking too much.

Im still trying to get things off my chest, I want to say AGAIN, in no way am I judging or criticizing anyone. If I make comparisons its only to help show what I feel or believe works for me.

Last weekend the "big fight" was triggered by my feelings about one of his friends, someone we were hanging out with just leaving the bar and not saying goodbye. To me that was somewhat odd and also rude, we had been hanging out with this person all afternoon and evening, first at a birthday party then we moved onto Cheers...anyway most people that I have talked to about this DID NOT agree with me, they didn't think it was odd at all. Because I had such strong feelings about this it triggered an argument that brought out a lot of feelings that were being held back and it ultimately resulted in us breaking up.. I'm not gonna go into the whole breakup thing, were just two very different people.

This past Thursday a friend and I went out to the Eagle, and who was there? The guy that just left the group without sayin goodbye.. We said hello and I asked him if he knew that we had broken up. He said "yeah I heard, Im sorry to hear that" RIGHT AS HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY ASS AND TRIED TO KISS ME!!(opened mouth) TWICE!!!!!!!!!! OK now that is WRONG i dont care who trys to tell me Im over reacting or making a big deal out of nothing. That guy is an asshole and not a very good friend to my ex. you can try to dismiss it by saying he was drunk or whatever you want but there is NO EXCUSE for making the moves on a friends ex boyfriend less than a week after breaking up.. Ok so I am being judgmental.. so sue me..

People make bad choices when they are drinking PERIOD. I could go on about this but each time I try to type another sentence it comes out too negative. The incident that happened last weekend mixed together with what happened on Thursday night has left a bad taste in my mouth for bars and for drunk people. Im gonna try to find something more uplifting and positive to do with my time for while.

Addictions

Ive had A LOT of different addictions in my life. The usual addictions most people have, plus shopping, eating, FACEBOOK, I get addicted to people too. Its like a drug.. I just need a little bit more, just one night, just one hug.. Gotta have it man.. THEN the hug comes.. Ahhh big sigh of relief. I can get on with my day now. The one thing they all have in common is that they prevent me from paying attention to what I should be. Hey at least I recognize it.. Im not complaining just observing..

Fairweather Friend????

A couple of weeks ago a friend all of a sudden deleted me on Facebook.. I thought it was a mistake, but he deleted me because of something I said on another friends page. It was all very odd and there really was no valid reason for doing what he did.. He didnt like that people were talking about him behind his back. He got a little paranoid about NOTHING, what he thought was happening was the exact opposite of what truly was happening.. at least on my end. Funny thing was he wasnt even being mentioned in this situation that he got upset about... Its all a little confusing but TRUST ME, he was confused as to what was going on and reacted to something that wasnt even happening.

ANYWAY i wanted to iron this stuff out with him so I kept pushing him to meet face to face to talk. He finally agreed to it and I went to his house for dinner. Well he didnt like the way the conversation was going, and he asked me to leave!!! He was getting so angry that the veins were popping out in his neck and he was clenching his fists. I was happy to leave. I was honestly a little scared. HES A BIG MUSCLE GUY!! Well I was still pretty shocked at the situation and I put something about it on Facebook. A mutual friend sent me an email and said he has seen him do that 3 different times to people. He went on to say maybe it was an un-medicated Bi-Polar disorder or maybe even "roid rage". Well the next morning I received an apology text message from him, he said he had a bad weekend, and was feeling a little low.. I dont wanna get into the kind of weekend I had and how low I was feeling..BUT I didnt blow up at him.. I replied a few hours later but he never responded to that.

Fast forward a week or so. I ran into him while at the movies.. He was cordial, as was I but I had no "love for him" anymore. He blew up at me and asked me to leave his house!! anyway he and his friend went his way and we went ours and everything was fine. A couple of nights ago I received a text message from someone (not in my contact list and no signature on message) asking me how the move went. I replied saying sorry I dont know who this is. they replied REALLY?? Ummm YEP sorry I don't know who this is. They said No worries and that was that. Well of course now I know it was the same person that asked me to leave his house. After he blew up at me I knew he was not someone I would be hangin out with again so I deleted him from my phone. I felt bad about it for a minute but then I thought that's odd to me as well. You cant just drop an apology via text message and pretend it never happened NOT when you have a history at blowing up at people. I have enough stress in my life I dont want to be on my tip toes anytime Im around him.

Who knows what he thinks or what hes sayin about the situation. Obviously he was trying to be nice by texting me. But theres so much goin on in my life and I just dont have the energy to give him right now. I dont even know why I care... But obviously I do.. Im sittin here writing about it

Revelations - 5AM

I didn't realize how much I counted on someone else for my security and happiness. Things in my world are falling apart but forget about all that.. I had a boyfriend, so things aren't so bad, right?
Ive already apologized to him for putting that kind of pressure on him. This morning I was laying in bed thinking.. God I feel soooo scared right now, if I could just see him and spend some time with him.. have a COUPLE drinks, Cuddle, get some hugs, everything would be alright. WOW!!!!!!!!!! First of all not only is that incredibly selfish but its not very healthy. OR is it? We accept hugs from friends all the time to "feel better" cant I be choosy who I get my hugs from? Is it so bad to just wanna take a little break from all my stress?

We've been communicating better than ever the last few days.. I'm happy about that, hes been SOOO incredibly supportive. He hasnt blogged anything lately except pictures of HOT men. I think hes starting to talk with friends more instead of blogging. Ironic isn't it? Its like we tradeed ways of communicating Of course that's just my theory.. I don't know thats the reason for sure.

Is it too soon to want to spend time together? Hes probably booked up until next week anyway. He is definitely moving full steam ahead with his life as am I but mine doesn't include too much fun stuff. Still I cant help but to have a little hope that he wants to see me too. Yesterday he sent me an invite to a mutual friends Birthday Party... For one one brief moment I hoped he was asking me if I wanted to go together. I KNEW he wasn't but I HOPED he was.. He wasn't, I had told him last week I never got a copy of the invite, SO being sweet (and probably trying to help me stay busy) he made sure I got a copy of the invite..

I don't have any reason to believe he reads my Blog, but I also don't have any reason to believe he doesn't. As I said in a previous blog, Im starting to like communicating this way.. sort of. My thought is I can put it out there but I dont KNOW if anyone is reading it so Im just sorta putting it out there and hoping. EXCEPT I just noticed I have 2 followers now, but they dont really read this crap.. Hopefully soon my blog posts will turn back to happy thoughts.. I really do wanna be happy again.