Saturday, October 31, 2009

Down so Low

I have been a HUGE fan of Linda Ronstadt for years. This is my favorite song of hers. This live version is OK, but if you ever get the chance to listen to the studio version with the choir youll be blown away. Its amazing.. Sadly the words to this song really hit close to home right now. Its probably a good thing that I forgot about this song until tonight. The video is at the bottom of this page.

When you went away I cried
Cried for so long
And I wanted you to stay
Ah but that was all wrong

The pain you left behind
Has become part of me
And it's burned out a hole
Where my love used to be

But it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place

Well you know I love you
But that wasn't enough
We both fell apart
When things got too tough
And I've learned how to give now
But what good
But what good would that do
No one can touch me
The way you used to do

And it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place

Well I know your opinion
Of me is not good
Please try to understand
That I'd change
Well I'd change if I could
And this coldness inside me
Well it's starting to build
And a woman can't be a woman
Unless she's fulfilled

But it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place
There's no one can

Friday, October 30, 2009

Fun Zone

For years I was the life of the party, I was always happy, always had a smile on my face. People REALLY enjoyed being around me. My answering machine was always full. Slowly over the past few years that's all changed. I turn down social invites, Id rather stay home alone.. I'll stand in the back of the room instead of front and center like before.

I realized tonight that the end of the fun becomes a major bummer for me. I was having a great time tonight, but I needed to get home and get some rest for my busy day tomorrow. As soon as I left the bar I got SO DOWN. Yesterday I was hanging out with a friend, we had lunch, he helped me move a few things, i was doin alright but as soon as I was getting ready to take him home my mood crashed HARD.

The fun used to never end for me so I guess i never had the "let down". I get so depressed when I realize the fun is over and I have to go back to being alone.. Maybe thats why I turn down invites? If there's no high there will be no low?

Ive always been so independent, but right now the thought of being alone paralyzes me. Im sitting here at home now SO LOW, how does this happen so quickly?? What can I do to change this? The contradictions in my mood from moment to moment are so confusing to me..

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sometimes silence isnt golden

I was scared to read his latest blog, its so weird he hasnt written anything in weeks, but for some odd reason I decided to check it last night. He had JUST posted something within minutes of me checking his blog.

There was only one thing there that was a surprise to me, well maybe 2 things. The fact that he was sharing part of himself with everyone was surprising. Some of it was exactly what I had had felt and had expressed through my blog about him, yet not as eloquently or tastefully (I have since removed that post) His blog said SO much but he said it with very few words.. Thats something I would like to learn how to do. SOMETIMES less can be more.

I was so proud of him for doing that for himself. People do like his online persona, but nobody really knows "C". I guess I didnt either. (that was the other surprise in his blog) I think if he does let people in, he would be surprised how much easier REAL friendships and relationships would be. I dont think we ever had a chance with his walls, and my insecurities. Thats like oil and water. We never were 100% comfortable together I guess? Im still debating on that one. I think we had our moments, but maybe those moments were (as he said) with his online persona but not "the whole him" I guess I didnt get to know the real him. That bums me out a lot.

I hope people read his blog and continue to leave supportive comments for him, I think that would help him to realize its OK to share your feelings with people. Maybe not as much as I do. .

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Major revelation..

I try to "save people" not change them, but save them. I have always tried to date the wrong guys. The guys that are broken in some way, unavailable in one way or another or just "not that into me" Those are the ones I try to hold on to the most. If you tell me your broken, BIG MISTAKE to me thats a cry for help and I cant let go until you are "fixed"

If you dont have any issues or if you treat me "too good".. I lose interest and find a way out

When Im not able to "fix" you I get very disappointed. Maybe disappointed in you at first, but then ultimately disappointed in myself for not living up to my unrealistic expectations of myself for not being able to save you.

Some of you maybe thinking, well who is he to think he is able to fix anyone.. I NEVER said I was perfect.. Me trying to save someone is problem in itself, I AM admitting my faults as I figure them out. Thats important to be able to do, because until we can admit to ourselves that we have faults we can never never move past them. We all work our stuff out differently, I (unfortunately) do mine publicly here on my blog. Sometimes I wish I never had learned how to do this blog thing. But I know some of my friends get tired of listening to me talk about it all.


A new friend sent me this poem today, I wanted to share it with you.

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we
lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what
we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back...! Don't expect love in
return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if
it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like
someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a
lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth;
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes
you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark
day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to
keep you human, enough hope to make you happy."

Like a buoy in a storm

Ya know those things that are out in the ocean, at the opening of a bay or harbor.
They bounce up and down in the water, during a storm they can sometimes become totally submersed, and pop right back up. Thats what I feel like each day with my moods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Its more down than up. The newspapers are piled up for 3 weeks now, the sink is full of dishes, i havent slept in my bed for over a week, at first it was because a big bed is too lonely, now its because all my clean clothes are piled on top of it and I cant get to it.

The ONLY thing I do take care of is the cat. I feed him and clean his litter box and I love him. I think he realizes I am sad because he lays on the couch with me whenever Im down, hes not sure what to think of the crying though, he runs in the other room and just stares at me.

I have to pull it together somehow, I need a job, I know once I feel like I have some purpose Ill feel better, I'll clean my house, Ill do the dishes. Its hard not having anything to look forward to each day. Maybe thats why I get the morning blues. When you wake up and your lying on the couch you realize.. wow this is all im gonna be doing today, and Im already doing it. Thats nothing to be excited about. Whats the point?

Maybe someday Ill find someone to date again. I doubt it will be anyone off Facebook, not after my meltdown there. Im sure everyone would be scared to go out with me now, no one is gonna wanna be the topic of one of my blogs. As you can see I am learning from my mistakes, I havent talked about anyone else in my blogs. Well except Joan Crawford and my cat, I dont think they mind though.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mommie Dearest Moments

If you havent seen the movie you may not know what Im talking about. But try and follow along cuz youll probably understand by the time I am done

Recently I have been doing some stuff that is SOOO crazy that no one in their right wait a minute...let me re phrase that.

Lately I find myself in the middle of a situation that I have created yet I dont know how I start it or how to stop. Sometimes I dont even realize I am doing it, then all of sudden BAM!!! Oh my god, what did I just do?

If you saw Mommie Dearest dozens of times like I have, youll remember the various times when Joan Crawford was beating Cristina or cutting her hair off or chopping down the tree. She is in the mad mad rage and shes going and going and going then all of a sudden she stops, looks around and realizes what she has done, and starts to cry.

Yep thats me... This past weekend I made some bad choices and I kept doing it over and over again! Until this morning when it all came to a head and I realized WOW what have I done? I know some of you just rolled your eyes and thought oh no Kurt what are you doing? I wish some of you would have said something to me. There were 2 people that tried. One went about it the WRONG way and just made me angrier at that moment on Friday night. The other person on Saturday morning was very kind and told me in a simple calm way that isnt cool, he got to me and I removed the Facebook posts at least. He and I also got a chance to chat at Pecs a little and his calm understanding attitude was helpful.

Anyway.. Can I blame all of this on mid-life crisis? PLEASE? and how long will this mid-life crisis last? I need to get on with my life here and put all this behind me. Is that cool?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Its never too late to apologize

I knew it was wrong when I was writing it, I actually posted it and removed it 3 or 4 times, I went back and removed some stuff, added to it, etc etc.

I wont apologize for my thoughts or feelings, I stand by everything I said, BUT I should not have made them public, I definitely let my emotions get the better of me. As you may know Ive had some depression lately,the medication is finally kicking in and Im starting to balance out a bit.

Today I saw someone re-tweet something he said about me and it hurt, I then realized how much I must have hurt him with my thoughts and feelings put out there for everyone to see. Ive taken down the blogs I wrote about him, I have learned from this and I wont be making this mistake again. I also hope that our mutual friends will forgive me.

Cory, I know you read the blogs, I wish that I could take it away, and I wish that we had learned how to communicate with each other better. We moved too fast and we both made a lot of mistakes. I hope we can move forward although now i know we will probably never have a friendship. Ive made my bed, I have to suffer the consequences.
I AM sorry for posting the blogs about you.


There are some very personal stories in this Blog, I write this out so that I can work it out. Feel free to post comments here and tell me your opinions. HOWEVER anoynomous comments will be deleted. If you have something to say you better OWN it. Im not afraid to put my name and face to my words I ecpect the same of anyone else that his a guest here at my blog

Thursday, October 22, 2009


WOW I had a really good day but about an hour ago the sadness crept in again. The same sad and lonely thoughts I have when I wake up in the morning. I really am looking forward to this being a thing of the past. I keep thinking about him, I cant help it.
I hate doing everything in life alone.. I really long to have someone to share everything in life with. The struggles, the triumphs, the good the bad and the ugly. Depression sucks but it sucks much less than loneliness. Saturday I was in a room full of people, yet i felt so alone.. DAMNIT

Im a little nervous about starting this new "routine" the Dr. put me on, Ive taken them before but I dont remember all the side effects. I remember feeling better in just a few days time.. I hope its the same this time.

Light at the end of the tunnel

WHEW!! The Doctors took care of me this AM with no trouble at all. I was there a few hours because there were other issues that I needed to address, but no need to worry everything is gonna be OK. I was given a prescription for my depression, its the same stuff I took 8 years ago, so I know what to expect and I cant wait to feel better. Just knowing how quickly this works for me I already see the light at the end of the tunnel. Why didn't I do this along time ago? Ive been depressed almost a year, but I just ignored it or hoped it would get better. Today for the first time in almost 2 weeks I have hope again.

Last night a strange thing happened that I didn't expect and it was OK, it thru me off a little bit but it was good. I wish I could have enjoyed It more but I was VERY nervous. Then a few hours later ANOTHER unexpected thing happened and it was wonderful. I know Im being vague right now but Im sharing TOO many details about some situations that involve other people and I never took into account how it would effect them.

OK DUH you dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am talking about here, but this is the beginning of respecting his privacy a little bit more. I see the stuff he posts on Facebook and its hard not to comment or "like" it. After all his sense of humor is what first attracted me to him on Facebook, and its hard to ignore his funny postings.

There are so many things I wish I could tell him, my impatience takes over sometimes, THATS one of the things I need to control better. He doesnt need to hear everything I think and feel about him, just as I dont need to hear everything he thinks and feels about me. BUT I do hope he reads my blog, I sure do miss his blog....and him. BUT Im getting better each day, and someday as he said "we will laugh"

Ive been listening to this damn song ALL week, but Ive resisted posting it, for me to post it DEFINITELY would seem dramatic, but when he posted it this morning it was just sweet

Damn it there I go again.. I gotta start respecting his privacy RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Get by with a little help from my "friends"

After the text I received at midnight I thought I would sleep much easier, but unfortunately sleep is escaping me now. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the text message and more to do with my anxiety over a couple of Dr. Appointments tomorrow. At the urging of a couple of friends I am going to see someone about my depression. Ive been on anti-depressants before, they certainly helped, even though the side effects of some of them really suck, especially for a single male as myself, but I think its more important that my mind is happy than my "body" (ya understand what I mean). I hate the feeling of not smiling on the inside right now. That feeling of my stomach turning inside out and the dark cloud that can instantly appear in my thoughts has become too frequent and it has to stop. If I hear one more person tell me to smile I think Ill scream! I know that this is all just temporary and this too shall pass.

I just experienced a couple of really difficult situations within a few days time. Ending a relationship for a 40 year old gay man can be debilitating in itself. Do you know the odds of a 40 year old gettin another date in this town? pretty slim, and we always wanna "trade up" from the last boyfriend right? Yeah well that gets more and more difficult (the last one was pretty hot)

THEN I pulled the rug out from under my own feet when I decided to close my business after my landlord decided not to renew my lease. Business has steadily declining for the last year plus, and I just couldn't do a move and keep my head afloat anymore. I guess hardest part of this decision is that I don't have a plan... YEP you heard me I don't have a job lined up. Trust me when I tell you that the stress of not having a job is MUCH LESS than the stress of trying to keep a business going financially when the money is just not coming in. Keeping the phone and lights on, buying supplies, the linen service, the Internet, the advertising, etc etc.

Again I don't know where I was going with this Blog posting.. I guess I was hoping it would make me sleepy and I could get a few hours in before my appointments in the morning.

So the Dr will most likely give me a prescription tomorrow to help me cope with all thats on my plate right now.. Instead of pills Im gonna call them "friends" and Ill get by with a little help from them

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


He still has anger he is processing. I knew he was angry the night he left, but I had no idea he still held it inside of him and could potentially "loose his cool". Hes been so sweet, how could I know he was still angry at me. I feel like such an ass for thinking we were OK enough to see each other face to face again.. Im feeling sad all over again....just when I was making progress.. Its not his fault Im feeling sad, its my fault. Im just sad I had to learn it from him today... I cant imagine how he feels.

Facebook Friends

Last night I was hanging out with some friends at their house having dinner and playing Wii, when one of them mentioned a mutual "friend" that also has a skin care business, and he told me he was moving back to his home state. I mentioned that I hadn't seen any Facebook posts from him recently and I was a little worried about him so I was gonna email him when I got back home.. Well a few minutes later my dinner host received a message saying I guess if I was posting 1,000 depressing posts everyday I would get an invite to your house for dinner too? WOW and this is a guy I was concerned about? When I got home I looked him up on Facebook and found that he had deleted me as a friend. This seems to be a common theme with me and people lately. In this case I'm fine with that, the only reason I had him as a friend was to keep an eye on him. A few months back he actually "stole" some trademarked information from my website and was using it in print and on his own website. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer!!

I know that I have been posting a lot of sad and depressing posts on Facebook lately but if you don't like it then Hide me. If you truly are a friend you'll wish me the best and check in on me from time to time to make sure I'm still around or hopefully doing better right? You wouldn't usually abandon a friend in need!!

I noticed another "friend" had deleted me last night, this was actually a friend of my ex. Last week sometime the ex and I had 114 mutual friends, now we have over 120. LOL Ive sent a couple requests to some of his friends and the others I dont know. But seeing that some of our pre-existing mutual friends deleting me is funny. Well I guess funny depending on why they deleted me. If its one of those "I only liked him cuz you were dating him" things - thats funny. Or more likely because of my depressing posts which as Ive said if you delete me because of that then you werent really a friend at all.

Oh by the way, I didnt feel sad as soon as I woke up this morning..

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My brain works in mysterious ways

This morning when I woke up I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of sadness. Its crept in slowly this morning, but not as bad as it has been. Im really craving some interaction with my ex. When ever you break up and things are all good between you it makes things slower in moving on. When all you can remember is the good times it makes you want more of those times together. We really didn't have too many bad times.. Actually there was only one and that was the night we broke up. Im obsessing over him a little bit Im sure. as I said in a previous post its like a drug for me.. I crave him, and sometimes a little dose of him gets me through the day. Last week it was so great he would send me encouraging messages and it made me feel really great. Weekends are his time to forget his worries and woes and let loose a bit so he isn't to communicative then. I don't even know where I am going with this right now.. I guess I'm just trying to type things out and work em out in my head. I just know that I really do miss him and the good times we had, I miss his smell, and I miss his arms around me at night. This past weekend was tough.. weekends were our time, and this was the first weekend without him... OK now Ive depressed myself..

Monday, October 19, 2009

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers

This week has been a crazy week for me. I have only written bits and pieces of everything happening this month. I will tell you everything in time, but for now just the important stuff.

Early last week I received an email from someone on my friends list that I had never met or "spoke" with. I remember sending him a friend request cuz hes HAWT.. anyway his email was so sweet and went on (and on) to tell me of his past trials and troubles in life and how I maybe able to apply my current issues to his solutions. It brought me to tears then and still does. i haven't been able to properly reply to his email because I simply cant get through it with out bawling..

Weve had some brief interaction throughout the weekend and today. The best interaction came this past weekend. Saturday night I went to bed around 10pm, when I woke up Sunday at 6AM I noticed I had a text that came in at 2AM saying "Kurt go to bed" LOL i replied and a couple hours later I received a response saying OMG Im so sorry, I saw you posted something on Facebook and I thought you were awake.. I was so drunk!" LOL I was so flattered that someone cared enough about a strangers well being to send an email as he did. AND then to find my phone number on Facebook and send me a text message. There was a text today asking me to smile.. I sound like I'm gushing over this guy and ya maybe I am, but I'm cool with that, its nice to feel like someone cares about my well being, plus he has a boyfriend and I am in NO place to make googly eyes at someone right now. Its just a great feeling to know there are good people out there that just care about people like this, people that are connected to others and care about perfect strangers. This is the type of people I am used to in my life. Considerate, polite people...

So today, I am sitting at home watching The View with one eye opened (Elisabeth was back today) and my phone rang.. WOW another surprise. A totally different person that I had NEVER met and maybe barely interacted with from Facebook called me to give me his support and encouraging words. He told me of his 15 year relationship and how just shortly after they broke up his ex-lover died.. HOW THE FUCK can I feel badly about my situation compared to this persons situation? Well he quickly put me at ease telling me the amount of time you are with someone should have no bearing on the strength of your feelings (I am paraphrasing) Can you imagine? Someone going through the emotions of a 15 year relationship calling me to give me some words of encouragement? I was blown away.

This afternoon on Facebook I posted this status update.

Would you (my friends) prefer I not post my true feelings here? would you rather I post meaningless vague stuff and pretend im happy?

wow I never expected the comments to come in like they did. I have some friends with very strong opinions. One friend really didnt like the fact that I used Facebook to air my emotions and feelings. Some of my other friends went on the defensive (for me) against him. But honestly I didnt have a problem with what he had to say, I was prepared for all types of comments, I actually thought more people would think as he did. If EVERYONE told me what I wanted to hear I would never make any progress. I have a feeling he has hidden my status updates, I'll have to remember to email him when I get passed my current issues and let him no its "safe" to un-hide me. :-)

Today started out SHITTY, but its ending on a much happier note, thanks to the kindness of strangers.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Its been 7 days 8 hours

Ill certainly be happy when things change, I'm tired of feeling sad and lonely the moment I open my eyes. I went to a Birthday Party last night and I tried to have fun, but I don't think I succeeded because 2 people came up to me and told me to smile. I don't know what my problem is, I know hes out having lots of fun this weekend and I'm truly happy he is, I'm just a little jealous that I'm not able to get over this hump too. I'm trying to figure out if he is truly the reason I am sad or if its everything that happened this week at once. I REALLY miss his company, and cuddling with him. It seemed like all my worries would disappear when he was here with me, maybe that's what I miss?
I set my alarm clock 10 minutes earlier than he needed to get up just to ensure some cuddle time before he left to go to work. Maybe I need to change the alarm now that hes gone.. That maybe the reason I think of him as soon as I wake up. I guess its probably time to throw away his toothbrush too. I haven't even put the dishes away that he did last weekend. I keep seeing reminders of him everywhere... The hardest was the "note" he wrote on my whiteboard and he wrote (dont erase) next to it!! Damn am I trying to hold on to something still or what?

My RT friends and Facebook friends are very supportive, I wish I was able to move on a little faster, I'm doing my best, and I'm really sorry if you all are tired of reading all my depressing posts. Just feel thankful you are just READING them and not FEELING them like I am.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Drinking too much.

Im still trying to get things off my chest, I want to say AGAIN, in no way am I judging or criticizing anyone. If I make comparisons its only to help show what I feel or believe works for me.

Last weekend the "big fight" was triggered by my feelings about one of his friends, someone we were hanging out with just leaving the bar and not saying goodbye. To me that was somewhat odd and also rude, we had been hanging out with this person all afternoon and evening, first at a birthday party then we moved onto Cheers...anyway most people that I have talked to about this DID NOT agree with me, they didn't think it was odd at all. Because I had such strong feelings about this it triggered an argument that brought out a lot of feelings that were being held back and it ultimately resulted in us breaking up.. I'm not gonna go into the whole breakup thing, were just two very different people.

This past Thursday a friend and I went out to the Eagle, and who was there? The guy that just left the group without sayin goodbye.. We said hello and I asked him if he knew that we had broken up. He said "yeah I heard, Im sorry to hear that" RIGHT AS HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY ASS AND TRIED TO KISS ME!!(opened mouth) TWICE!!!!!!!!!! OK now that is WRONG i dont care who trys to tell me Im over reacting or making a big deal out of nothing. That guy is an asshole and not a very good friend to my ex. you can try to dismiss it by saying he was drunk or whatever you want but there is NO EXCUSE for making the moves on a friends ex boyfriend less than a week after breaking up.. Ok so I am being judgmental.. so sue me..

People make bad choices when they are drinking PERIOD. I could go on about this but each time I try to type another sentence it comes out too negative. The incident that happened last weekend mixed together with what happened on Thursday night has left a bad taste in my mouth for bars and for drunk people. Im gonna try to find something more uplifting and positive to do with my time for while.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Ive had A LOT of different addictions in my life. The usual addictions most people have, plus shopping, eating, FACEBOOK, I get addicted to people too. Its like a drug.. I just need a little bit more, just one night, just one hug.. Gotta have it man.. THEN the hug comes.. Ahhh big sigh of relief. I can get on with my day now. The one thing they all have in common is that they prevent me from paying attention to what I should be. Hey at least I recognize it.. Im not complaining just observing..

Fairweather Friend????

A couple of weeks ago a friend all of a sudden deleted me on Facebook.. I thought it was a mistake, but he deleted me because of something I said on another friends page. It was all very odd and there really was no valid reason for doing what he did.. He didnt like that people were talking about him behind his back. He got a little paranoid about NOTHING, what he thought was happening was the exact opposite of what truly was happening.. at least on my end. Funny thing was he wasnt even being mentioned in this situation that he got upset about... Its all a little confusing but TRUST ME, he was confused as to what was going on and reacted to something that wasnt even happening.

ANYWAY i wanted to iron this stuff out with him so I kept pushing him to meet face to face to talk. He finally agreed to it and I went to his house for dinner. Well he didnt like the way the conversation was going, and he asked me to leave!!! He was getting so angry that the veins were popping out in his neck and he was clenching his fists. I was happy to leave. I was honestly a little scared. HES A BIG MUSCLE GUY!! Well I was still pretty shocked at the situation and I put something about it on Facebook. A mutual friend sent me an email and said he has seen him do that 3 different times to people. He went on to say maybe it was an un-medicated Bi-Polar disorder or maybe even "roid rage". Well the next morning I received an apology text message from him, he said he had a bad weekend, and was feeling a little low.. I dont wanna get into the kind of weekend I had and how low I was feeling..BUT I didnt blow up at him.. I replied a few hours later but he never responded to that.

Fast forward a week or so. I ran into him while at the movies.. He was cordial, as was I but I had no "love for him" anymore. He blew up at me and asked me to leave his house!! anyway he and his friend went his way and we went ours and everything was fine. A couple of nights ago I received a text message from someone (not in my contact list and no signature on message) asking me how the move went. I replied saying sorry I dont know who this is. they replied REALLY?? Ummm YEP sorry I don't know who this is. They said No worries and that was that. Well of course now I know it was the same person that asked me to leave his house. After he blew up at me I knew he was not someone I would be hangin out with again so I deleted him from my phone. I felt bad about it for a minute but then I thought that's odd to me as well. You cant just drop an apology via text message and pretend it never happened NOT when you have a history at blowing up at people. I have enough stress in my life I dont want to be on my tip toes anytime Im around him.

Who knows what he thinks or what hes sayin about the situation. Obviously he was trying to be nice by texting me. But theres so much goin on in my life and I just dont have the energy to give him right now. I dont even know why I care... But obviously I do.. Im sittin here writing about it

Revelations - 5AM

I didn't realize how much I counted on someone else for my security and happiness. Things in my world are falling apart but forget about all that.. I had a boyfriend, so things aren't so bad, right?
Ive already apologized to him for putting that kind of pressure on him. This morning I was laying in bed thinking.. God I feel soooo scared right now, if I could just see him and spend some time with him.. have a COUPLE drinks, Cuddle, get some hugs, everything would be alright. WOW!!!!!!!!!! First of all not only is that incredibly selfish but its not very healthy. OR is it? We accept hugs from friends all the time to "feel better" cant I be choosy who I get my hugs from? Is it so bad to just wanna take a little break from all my stress?

We've been communicating better than ever the last few days.. I'm happy about that, hes been SOOO incredibly supportive. He hasnt blogged anything lately except pictures of HOT men. I think hes starting to talk with friends more instead of blogging. Ironic isn't it? Its like we tradeed ways of communicating Of course that's just my theory.. I don't know thats the reason for sure.

Is it too soon to want to spend time together? Hes probably booked up until next week anyway. He is definitely moving full steam ahead with his life as am I but mine doesn't include too much fun stuff. Still I cant help but to have a little hope that he wants to see me too. Yesterday he sent me an invite to a mutual friends Birthday Party... For one one brief moment I hoped he was asking me if I wanted to go together. I KNEW he wasn't but I HOPED he was.. He wasn't, I had told him last week I never got a copy of the invite, SO being sweet (and probably trying to help me stay busy) he made sure I got a copy of the invite..

I don't have any reason to believe he reads my Blog, but I also don't have any reason to believe he doesn't. As I said in a previous blog, Im starting to like communicating this way.. sort of. My thought is I can put it out there but I dont KNOW if anyone is reading it so Im just sorta putting it out there and hoping. EXCEPT I just noticed I have 2 followers now, but they dont really read this crap.. Hopefully soon my blog posts will turn back to happy thoughts.. I really do wanna be happy again.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

So many thoughts, too much time on my hands

NOW I GET IT!! I used to complain about the way we communicated, of course now I get it. If it weren't for this blogging thing the last few days I would be going crazy not being able to express myself. Im different in the fact that I share everything the second it enters my mind.. He lets is kind of marinate and simmer awhile before putting it out there. Im too impatient most of the time. I need that instant gratification?? One thing I noticed is that If I blog the moment a situation arises or happens I have a HUGE amount of anger in me.. Im a vindictive nasty bitch. BUT, If I let it simmer I then start scaling back and making things "nicer".. Whats the right way to go here? Say whats on your mind at that very moment? or type it save it and revisit it later?
Its a hard question to answer because in a face to face conversation there are no "go backs", you arent supposed to go to bed angry, etc etc... But the more I think about it the more this blogging thing makes sense. BUT then are we being our true authentic self if we arent expressing our GUT feelings?? IM SO CONFUSED

There are so many things I learned from him in such a short amount of time.. He continues to wow me (and sometimes confuse me) with his Facebook posts. Hes really intelligent. Today I even had to email a friend and ask them.. what did that mean??

Why cant we see things clearly when were "in the situation" why is hindsight always 20/20.. It helps to write about this stuff and it hurts at the same time.. Ive cried a little bit, but I haven't had that really big cry, I think Im afraid of having it, Im afraid of where it may lead me? I just have one more client today and then a friend is coming over tonight to help me sort through my feelings. I hope hes ready for a big ol cry baby.. Ive been really down today, not just with the relationship situation, but everything.. Im starting to really hate my job.. I wanna go work at Baja Bettys and not have a care in the world, I have so many people depending on me all the time, its alot of stress.. Clients need me NOW, 2 different landlords need $ NOW.. Too much stress and pressure for me.. I gotta make a change

Monday, October 12, 2009

Another sad love song.

This isn't even a night I would normally see him but the thought of going home to my empty place right now is such a downer. Maybe its the thought of not being able to share the happenings of my day with him? Then that turns into the thought of never getting to cuddle with him again , or see him laugh, or even disagree with him. Why couldnt we work it out? Do I think im so fuckin important that I cant try just a little bit harder?

The thoughts of NEVER being able to share stuff with him again are bad enough but then my mind goes on to wonder if Ill ever have ANYONE to share stuff with at all. I keep "catching myself"before askin him if he wants to do something or go somewhere together. So many friends are commenting on how its cuddle weather right now and that depresses me greatly. But then the worst thoughts are yet to come.

The possibility of never having anyone to share the rest of my life with..and dying alone... That is a lot of pressure to put on someone, I wonder if he felt that pressure, I sure hope not. I know one night I dumped it on him.. I hope he knows that Im a little stronger than I was at that ONE moment. I, being vague but if he is reading this Im sure he remembers what Im talking about.

JESUS CHRIST why does my mind work like this? I wish I could just crawl into a hole until I felt like smiling again. Im glad the stereo in my car doesn't work.. I couldnt take another sad love song.

I just read on Facebook that a "casual" friend died over the weekend. We have such a short time here with each other. Why cant we just be all be happy with what we have and who we are with... The sadness in my heart right now is so overwhelming..

Toni Braxton - Another Sad Love Song (Official Music Video) - Watch more funny videos here

Sunday, October 11, 2009

9 weeks with CZ

First I want to say that there are always two sides to every story. My comments and statements here are in no way meant to imply CZ is not a good person. Anyone that has met him knows that he is sweet, and fun to be around. We only dated 9 weeks and a big portion of that time was very strained by some events happening in my life at the same time, health issues, and everyday obstacles that everyone experiences. I think we both wanted it to work and we truly hoped things could get better, but in the end we are just two TOTALLY different people. We ALL say we dont want to change someone or we wont change for someone, but relationships are about compromise and in a sense isn't that a form of change? I think its a fine line between changing someone and hoping they will meet you half way and when we cross that line its BAD, but usually not intentional. I think we are both hurting right now and we have mutual friends that were probably reaching out to. Dont feel like you have to pick one of us.. There are plenty of hugs to go around. Im gonna miss the good times, and soon (hopefully) we will both forget about the not so fun times.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Missed my mornin walk with Cheri but my short walk to the Post Office cleared my fuzzy head a little bit. Im amazed at how many thoughts can run through my mind in such a short time...First in my mind is how lucky I am to have met a great guy that is so amazingly patient and understanding, even when I dont see it hes thinking of me. He gave me the most amazing gift last night. It was just one word but it filled my heart.. Hope He has hope for us.. That's how he sticks with me. I put him through a lot, but he sees the big picture better than I do sometimes and I am so grateful to him for that. i gotta slow it down a bit I get so excited about doing something that I make it more complicated than it needs to be and I end up screwing it up. Its never my intention to to that, I just try too hard for some reason. I realized last night how much I can dominate a conversation, I made an effort (although small) to learn something about his world. I asked him about his move at work and as simple as it was I was SO HAPPY to be hearing about his world away from "us". I really gotta start asking him more about him.. He is such a great guy.. I do deserve him... I just need to appreciate him more.. MUAH!!