Friday, February 26, 2010

The best day in a long time

So today started out like any other day..
Woke up, had my coffee then Facebooked for awhile.

Then Jeffrey called to see if I wanted to go on a walk.. During the walk we saw Jerry and waved to him. Our walk of course led us to Baja Bettys.. We settled into our stools and the handsome Russell walked in, wow not only is he sexy as hell but hes super sweet too, so down to earth and real.. Im tellin you if that man weren't already attached Id be chasing him big time. Soon Cheri joined us then Noah, then Heidi.. We chatted with Courtney for awhile, Keven J, and Dave O were there happy and smiling.. I got a post on my Facebook wall from David C that made me smile. The two hotties next to us were familiar from days gone by as well. I was havin the time of my life.. Surrounded by all the people I know and love I couldn't help but to smile HUGE.

It doesnt end there, I had to hightail it to dinner at Zios with Frank and Eric and we had so much fun chatting about people and that TV show Spartacus and doing some funky math with Darren.. 365 x 20 years does NOT equal 5 digits bitches!!

I thought about goin out for a little bit with Frank, but I had a full day and I also need to know when to stop so the fun doesn't end.. Does that make sense?

It was really a good day... and the best part was just being surrounded by people I love.

Thanks everyone!!


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Good times

On Monday I got the courage to apply for a job online. I dont know that Im 100% qualified for the job, but applying for it gave me a little hope and thats a HUGE thing for me lately. Ive had such feelings of hopelessness these past few months. I think this particular situation was a good building block for me because I truly dont expect to get the job but just having the confidence to even apply for it is a big step. Ive really been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life or at least what the next career chapter will be..

Last night I got a random text from a friend asking if I had emailed Cory (last guy I dated) It was so weird.. I replied NO I havent had any communication with him in a while.. I guess we both "tweeted" something vague or cryptic within a few minutes of each other leading our friend to think we were talking. I dont know if that that will ever happen. IDK why Im writing about it, I guess just cuz it was a weird thing that happened.

I just got back from going to Erics House, (my friend that recently died.) It gets easier each time so that leads me to believe that I'll be able to handle going to his Celebration of Life. Im not one to do funerals or memorials, but I think Im gonna go to this one.

The last 2 days Ive been taking walks during the day, yesterday was a long one, today not so long, but I think they are doin me some good, I feel it in my legs and my ass so if thats the only thing that i get out of it, Im all for it!

Well its time to head out to lunch with a couple friends.. signing off for now

Friday, February 19, 2010

That time of the month

For the 5th month in a row my depression is starting to kick in at the same time it has each preceding month.

In November I went into the hospital on the 23rd, December I went back into the hospital on the 19th. In January my mood dropped around the 20th but I held it together because my Mothers birthday was coming up on the 23rd and since I was in the hospital ON Thanksgiving and just before Christmas i wanted to tough it out so she would have a nice birthday.

I noticed the other day (the 18th) that my mood was starting to dip again. Ive had some good sessions with my therapist but Im afraid Im a long way off from feelin great again.

I didnt really realize how much my self esteem was affected by someone. He was always pretty critical of me, mostly after we dated but looking back now there were lots of times he pointed out things he didnt like or stuff that bothered him even while we were dating. I was never the instigator when we were dating. When I started to "retaliate" or point out his short comings there was never any agreement or apologies from him, just him pointing out more stuff that was wrong with me. Recently he has started blogging about stuff that should make me feel better, him talking about being diagnosed as bi-polar (which he thinks was a misdiagnosis) how he thinks he is a bitter person, recently he said how he has resentment towards his old roommate because she took advantage of him. The roommate situation sticks out to me because it is something we argued about. He was SO defensive and almost hostile about me bringing it up. Was he being defensive because I was right? Or was he just in denial? Either way why would you get angry about it? why tell someone they are wrong and continue to fight back by pointing out my faults? Like I said I should be feeling better after reading all of this, I should feel vindicated, but all I feel is anger real anger towards him for belittling me and making me feel like the bad guy all the time. Im also worried that hes about to snap. Back when we first met he told me he budgeted $100.00 per WEEK for weekend fun.. Cabs, beer, gas etc. If he would just stay home ONE weekend a month he could afford to see a therapist each month, but God forbid someone tell him whats wrong with him.
All these months later I cant believe the anger I still have towards him. The sad thing is he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong.. Today his blog talks about the issues and anger he has had this past YEAR.. Thanks for tryin to date me while you were in step #3 bargaining and angry!! YOU WILL NEVER FIND PEACE UNTIL YOU FIND ALL THE PIECES.

Dont get me wrong there were lots of good times too, but the criticism really stuck with me. I am someone that takes things to heart, if you tell me im broken I have no reason not to believe you, I do consider this to be a fault. So am I angry at him for making me feel so bad? or angry at myself for allowing it to happen?

Today is the funeral for Bob (see here) back in Ohio. Next Sunday is the Celebration of Life for Eric I havent decided if Im going to be able to attend or not, typically I dont go to memorial services because I get too emotional. The other night at Baja Bettys some of Eric's co workers gathered to remember Eric and I kept looking back in the room they were in and wanting so badly to go back there. So who knows maybe I'll go next Sunday.

I met with one of my Doctors last week about going on disability because of my depression and how its effecting my health, he said i seem to be doing much better and its unlikely that Id be approved. I guess low self esteem doesnt qualify me for disability. I cant seem to muster up the confidence to try and find a job, maybe Im just afraid of more rejection?

I guess its time to wrap this one up.. The words arent flowing anymore..

Daily moods

Im not gonna do this daily mood thing on my blog, its dull and boring and the past couple of days somewhat depressing, im gonna attempt do this in a notebook or on a chart that a friend told me she uses. My mood is starting to crash really fast and Im not sure why. Im gonna head to my moms house for a few days to see if I can ride it out.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Something new

Im doing something new on my blog now, something my therapist wants me to sort of track for him on a daily basis. Its gonna be very boring to many of you. Ill be writing a paragraph each morning to talk about my sleep the night before and also give the previous day a mood rating from 1-10.

Last night I feel asleep pretty early due to the fact that I didnt sleep well the previous night, I woke up again at 3:30am but I was able to fall back to sleep and stay in bed til 8:30AM thats a lot more sleep than I generally get but I was makin up for a couple bad nights this week already. I had a couple things happen to bring me down a little, one of which I dreamed of so I think its gonna bug me for awhile unless i handle this situation with a friend. Id have to rate my day at a 5

Monday, February 15, 2010

Bittersweet feelings

So I still read the blog of someone I was once close to.. Friends have told me I shouldnt, but I do. I think because I find some of the stuff he posts to be funny and partially because Im still looking for answers as to why things went so badly between us. As I have stated before I am friends/friendly with every guy I have ever dated until now. I still have struggles wondering was it entirely me? He would never apologize for anything so that always led me to believe maybe I was the one that was always wrong.

However reading his blog has really helped me to realize that I wasnt THE bad guy, it was probably equally both of our faults. However in his blog today he went on about what a bitter person he is, how he doesnt put energy into things because "whats the point" and how he wouldnt even date himself right now. I dont feel good that he feels this way about himself but it sure has helped me to feel better about how I handled myself. Im finally getting the answers to questions Ive had.. Im not a bad person, Im not THAT difficult to get along with. The day he and I broke up was all about how I hold a grudge how I wont let anything go, essentially it was all about what a bad person I was,(in my mind anyway) and that feeling never left me, its what triggered me to want to hurt myself one day, and has been difficult letting that go.

I complained about how he never would let anyone get close, how he didnt open himself up to anyone. A recent blog post of his he said something to the effect of not being really close to someone he has known for like 17 years and even lived with this person 2 different times. That helped me realize that him not opening up to me had NOTHING to do with me. One of our email conversations/arguments he told me that he knew there was something not right about me in the very beginning so he didnt allow himself to get close.. Well I call BULLSHIT on that one. It had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him. I never understand people that lie to try and make a point.

I will continue to read his blog, because im finally getting the answers and starting to feel better about myself. I dont like the fact that he is so down on himself now, but I also have to say what comes around goes around and if youre lying and denying that your actions have caused someone pain that pain is gonna come right back to you at some point.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A little disgusted

So you may remember me blogging about a friend that recently died.. If not see here ERIC & BOB Recently Ive noticed a lot of different people suddenly coming out of the woodwork trying to get close to these people.. Mostly I have noticed this with one of them more than the other.. I shouldnt even be writing about this but I have had it with one particular person.. Someone I was once close with has a new roommate that claims he was dating someone that he CLEARLY was not dating. But I have now heard this from 2 different people that heard it directly from him. They werent even friends on Facebook until January 28th or 29th so the chances they were DATING are pretty slim. By him saying this, he is insulting and hurting people that truly were close to this person. I really want to go on, but i think I better stop. This punk ass bitch isnt worth writing about anymore.. He has caused me too much grief in the past and his actions continue to prove me right.. He seems to latch on to any "hot topic" that is relevant regarding the military, friends, or anything else where he can get some attention.. OK im done.. off my soapbox now..

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Celebration of Life for Eric

"CELEBRATION OF LIFE" for Eric Schulthise has been confirmed. FEB 28th, 12-3pm @ the home of Marcelo Ruiz & Jasn Blare, 2105 West California St, SD CA 92110. Located in Mission Hills/Old Town, behind Thomas Jefferson Law School, cross street Bandini St

You can send Eric's father cards and expressions of bereavement, you can do so at the following address: Mr. Larry Schulthise 606 San Pedro Drive Chesapeake, VA 23322

Man Boobs defined

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Cant really say whats goin on now

I havent blogged too much lately cuz a lot of the stuff goin on with me is too personal for me to talk about here. I got a lot of stuff weighing heavy on my mind though. The recent deaths of two people I know have added to my stress and sadness.

If you arent familiar with what I am talking about here is a link to the story about Eric & Bob. The emotions that Ive been feeling over this have run all over the place. Yesterday I was so mad at Bob for what he did I was beside myself, today im just sad again. Eric and I werent super close but we were building our friendship back up again and Im angry that opportunity was taken away.

I dont know what the point of this blog was gonna be.. I thought Id be able to get some stuff off my mind but its not flowing.

I saw one of my therapists this week and he thinks that I should consider going on disability because of my depression. This scares me a lot. I dont know that Im ready to be broke all the time and not be working at all.. SO many things to consider..

Friday, February 5, 2010

What makes a man a man

You can change the paint and redo the landscaping, but it won't fix a flawed foundation.

I borrowed this from a FB friend yesterday. It seemed very fitting for me because Ive been really workin on me. BUT in the real sense, the way that really does change and effect ME the PERSON not me the outer shell. If anything Ive probably gained a few pounds due to the anti depressants and sitting around at home too much. Sometimes I get a little down because I cant go afford to go to the gym right now, but Im doin something more important workin on me from the inside out.

Every year so many people make that decision to go to a gym and lose some weight, believe me im all for any kind of self improvement you can make but whats the reason behind it? Health reasons? Great but most likely (for gay men anyway) its to make yourself more attractive and "sexy" Well ya wanna know whats sexy to me? someone that isnt afraid to admit he has issues, a guy that isnt afraid to share his weaknesses as well as his strengths. Someone that shows some emotion and admits he hurts like everyone else. If ya go through your adult life pretending nothing is wrong with you or never share your inner struggles with someone your trying to be close to than you are greatly flawed and thats a big turnoff to me.

This coming week Im going to start walking more, I enjoy it and i live in a great area to walk in plus it clears my mind and helps me focus on what I want to talk to about in my weekly therapy sessions. Well I guess thats all I have to say about this subject for now. I want to encourage everyone to TALK to someone, preferably a professional but if not talk to your friends.. talk to many people get different view points on things your going through, share experiences and feelings. Who knows they may learn something from you as well

Sad Day

Early Friday afternoon a friend sent me a text message telling me of the death of someone I knew, but not very well. It still struck me as sad of course.

A few hours later I learned of the death of someone I called a friend, well we were friends and we parted ways for a couple of months but back in November we "connected" again and began to enjoy our re found friendship.

I met Eric via Gooster, and Im so sad about what has transpired between he and I because I feel like reaching out to Cory to tell him I share his pain and that I am sorry for his loss. But I cant.

Eric and I had plans to get together tomorrow, I was gonna trim his hair and have some lunch at Baja Betty's. Im sad that our friendship didnt have the chance to grow stronger, but I am glad we got past our differences before he left us.

To make things worse the person that apparently took Eric's life was also someone I knew, I didnt know Bob very well, but I did have the opportunity to have dinner with him and have some fun at Dave & Busters recently, Sadly Bob also took his own life.

Rest in Peace our "Dancing Bear" I will miss your hugs and that amazing smile you shared with all of us.

Monday, February 1, 2010

What can I say?

I dont really have much to say here lately. Ive been feeling really good, hangin out with friends a lot, havin some clients here and there, so I have some spending money. I dont want my blog to just be somewhere that I complain and share my stresses, I want to share the good stuff with you too.

Saturday I hung out with a good friend Ive known for years, Dave Z. we went to Redwing to try one of their bacon wrapped hot was OK, then we went to Pecs and had a couple drinks, all in all it was a good time hangin out with Dave, we always have a good time..usually talking shit about people and trashing them..all in good fun though. After that I went to The LGBT community center for an event with the San Diego Gay Rodeo, ran into a bunch of friends there and had a blast.

Yesterday I went to church with my friend Dan, and another Twitter friend Jack. That was nice, then Dan and I dropped Jack off (no pun intended as Dan said) picked up another of his friends Chris, and headed to the farmers market. We ran into these other friends of ours, Todd and Chris.. Chris mentioned how worried he was when I was depressed and how he is so happy to see me happy and smiling again. It is nice to hear people say that because I dont realize sometimes that I truly am doing much better these days and its nice to be reminded so I can appreciate it more. After that I came home did nothing, then went and did errands and stuff with my BFF Cheri and her Mom Heidi.. Heidi made me some cucumber salad that I LOVE so that was part of my dinner..

As you can see a full weekend that was fun yet just a regular weekend at the same time. I hope this didnt bore you too much. I just wanna share the good stuff too.

Well that was my weekend, how was yours?