Monday, February 15, 2010

Bittersweet feelings

So I still read the blog of someone I was once close to.. Friends have told me I shouldnt, but I do. I think because I find some of the stuff he posts to be funny and partially because Im still looking for answers as to why things went so badly between us. As I have stated before I am friends/friendly with every guy I have ever dated until now. I still have struggles wondering was it entirely me? He would never apologize for anything so that always led me to believe maybe I was the one that was always wrong.

However reading his blog has really helped me to realize that I wasnt THE bad guy, it was probably equally both of our faults. However in his blog today he went on about what a bitter person he is, how he doesnt put energy into things because "whats the point" and how he wouldnt even date himself right now. I dont feel good that he feels this way about himself but it sure has helped me to feel better about how I handled myself. Im finally getting the answers to questions Ive had.. Im not a bad person, Im not THAT difficult to get along with. The day he and I broke up was all about how I hold a grudge how I wont let anything go, essentially it was all about what a bad person I was,(in my mind anyway) and that feeling never left me, its what triggered me to want to hurt myself one day, and has been difficult letting that go.

I complained about how he never would let anyone get close, how he didnt open himself up to anyone. A recent blog post of his he said something to the effect of not being really close to someone he has known for like 17 years and even lived with this person 2 different times. That helped me realize that him not opening up to me had NOTHING to do with me. One of our email conversations/arguments he told me that he knew there was something not right about me in the very beginning so he didnt allow himself to get close.. Well I call BULLSHIT on that one. It had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him. I never understand people that lie to try and make a point.

I will continue to read his blog, because im finally getting the answers and starting to feel better about myself. I dont like the fact that he is so down on himself now, but I also have to say what comes around goes around and if youre lying and denying that your actions have caused someone pain that pain is gonna come right back to you at some point.
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