Thursday, January 28, 2010

Deserving Love

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. Buddha

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Leave me alone

Some people just cant let it go

Monday, January 25, 2010

The final word

What is it about people that always NEED to have the final word? Im not too experienced with people like this so I really dont know what makes them tick. I may even be one of these people, but Im not sure. I guess it depends on the circumstance.

Input anyone?

Ed Cunningham, my Father

I'm reposting this blog today, because this is the anniversary of my fathers death. Kinda of a weird day each year. This was originally posted on 9/22/09

My dad would have been 71 years old today, Mom and I were just talking, wondering what he may have looked like at 71. My niece & nephew were so young when he died they may not even have distinct memories of him? I know the rest of my family has fond memories of Dad, there are things that I do or say that remind me of my dad. I still wont get a tattoo because he always told me to never make the mistake he did. I wasnt even allowed to use the rub on tattoos from the cracker jack box. I wonder so often how my dad would have dealt with me being gay, would he handle it as well as Mom? Id probably have to go on some damn boring fishing trip and get him alone in a boat on a quiet lake to tell him, Im sure eventually he would be OK with it. His temper would make him react negatively at first but then he would come around. I wonder how different my life would have been if he hadnt died when I was 16 years old. This coming January will be the 25th anniversary of his death. It seems like yesterday and a life time ago all at the same time.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Power of GOODBYE

I just read this on a friends Facebook page,this is something that one of his ex boyfriends told him. I think its VERY fitting for the situation Ive been experiencing with someone lately.

Thanks to Scott for letting me borrow these words.

There are 6 billion people out there; don't waste your energy on people that purposefully bring you down." Thinking myself a loyalist, I neither heard nor heeded those words. He was right though. At some point, with some people, there... is power in "goodbye."

So with that I say Goodbye Gooster

Friday, January 22, 2010

I deserve better

I was feelin so great, but im starting to crash again. I dont want do anything, but i dont want to do nothing either. Friends help me feel better and they annoy me too. I feel like im back in a no win situation if I do anything other than lay on the couch right now.

Ive had some bad interaction with someone lately that took me by surprise too. There are so very few people in the world that I dont get along with. Sure there are people that I dont like but im always "cordal" to them and treat them with some semblance of respect when interacting with them face to face or online or where ever. Im not used to people that just flat out treat me badly and blame me for it. In my search to try and figure out why this person does this to me ive become depressed again. My therapist says he is toxic for me, funny cuz this person told me I was toxic to him? ARRRGH how can someone that only tries to be nice to you be toxic? I think he was just saying that to be a dick. who knows? I dont know how to break away from this? Like I said I blame myself for trying too hard to be friends with this person. Things start out fine but then the emails start and it gets ugly again. Why do I want to be friends with this person so badly? Why would I want anything to do with someone that once told me he could never tell me how he felt about me when he was sober? Someone that told me he unfollowed me on twitter so I could vent but them each time I do he calls me out on it. Someone that will never apologize for ANYTHING he does or says even when he knows he is wrong the only time hes apologized is after almost forcing it out of him. I have sent heartfelt apologies to him for my behavior and things I have said and done wrong, but not getting any real apologies from him prevents me from moving on... Im still trying to right the wrongs (his wrongs) JESUS CHRIST whats wrong with me?

Im goin back to bed.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Cant get you out of my head

Cant anybody find me

I miss Freddy Mercury

Bitterness by Sanel Lekic

Some more amazing words written by my friend Sanel. One of these days ill post his pic here to so you can see how beautiful he is on the outside as well as the inside.. The TOTAL package

It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it.

The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls.

Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Protest San Diego Pride

Contact: Kurt Francis phone: 858-229-9180 email: concernedcitizens4removal@gmail.com

Concerned members of LGBT community organize multiple protests during
Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference this weekend
Protest will highlight community’s demand for resignation of LGBT Pride Board of Directors

January 20, 2010 (SAN DIEGO) -- A group of concerned members of the San Diego lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community have organized two protests in response to recent unethical actions committed by the organization’s Board of Directors.

The first protest will be held on Friday, January 22 from 6:00-7:00 p.m. at the San Diego Pride office building at 3620 30th Street, San Diego CA 92104 during a welcome reception hosted by San Diego Pride for attendees of the annual Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference located.

The second protest will be held on Saturday, January 23 from 6:00 – 7:00 p.m. at The Chuck Jones Gallery at 232 5th Avenue, San Diego CA 92101, which will be the first of four locations in “A Taste Of San Diego” event, designed to entertain guests of the CAPI conference at various locations throughout the city.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Kurt Francis phone: 858-229-9180 email: concernedcitizens4removal@gmail.com

Concerned members of LGBT community organize multiple protests during
Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference this weekend
Protest will highlight community’s demand for resignation of LGBT Pride Board of Directors

January 20, 2010 (SAN DIEGO) -- A group of concerned members of the San Diego lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community have organized two protests in response to recent unethical actions committed by the organization’s Board of Directors.

The first protest will be held on Friday, January 22 from 6:00-7:00 p.m. at the San Diego Pride office building at 3620 30th Street, San Diego CA 92104 during a welcome reception hosted by San Diego Pride for attendees of the annual Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference located.

The second protest will be held on Saturday, January 23 from 6:00 – 7:00 p.m. at The Chuck Jones Gallery at 232 5th Avenue, San Diego CA 92101, which will be the first of four locations in “A Taste Of San Diego” event, designed to entertain guests of the CAPI conference at various locations throughout the city.

The group of citizens organizing the protests are demanding the resignations of three members of San Diego Pride’s Board after it was revealed that the Board voted to provide Board Chair Philip Princetta with a $5,000 stipend for his service, which is clearly in violation of the nonprofit organization’s bylaws. Pride’s Executive Director Ron deHarte was terminated on January 4, 2010 after making this transaction public. Two Pride staff members, Ken St. Pierre and Jeffrey Redondo, resigned the same day in protest of the board’s actions.

Dozens of LGBT community leaders, organizations, and countless volunteers and community members have demanded that this board resign and the terminated staff members be reinstated. A community town hall meeting was called for by former Pride board members on January 11 and over 200 community members gathered, unanimously calling upon the resignation of Princetta, and fellow board members Mike Karim and Carl Worrell.

The organizers of the protest hope to continue to pressure the sitting Board of Directors to do the right thing by resigning, making way for other community leaders to come on board. The protest has been planned to bring light to the board’s actions in front of their national Pride organization peers.

Stuff & Nonsense

I had a great night tonight.. Went to Pecs and had SOOO many guys flirting with me I felt like I was back in the 90's. My day didnt start out so great, my ex decided to reply to an email i sent him yesterday. Of course it was negative and he reflected his hate back onto me. I could go on and on but basically it was started off with me posting a supportive comment on his blog that he deleted??? Here is what I posted "Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others allows you to forge meaningful relationships. There can be no true bond when two people have closed themselves off from one another. When you reveal yourself to another, however, any chasm that separates you is bridged by intimacy. This can be difficult at first, but it is emotionally fulfilling to relate to others in an intimate way. Revealing yourself to another person brings you closer together and your authentic connection gives you a common ground upon which to grow your relationship. Your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings today will help you find greater intimacy with others. This was in response to his blog that he was complaining about his friends flaking on him calling him confusing blah blah blah Maybe Im wrong? but he deleted the comments I made??? Ive tried to build a bridge, Ive tried to be friendly, by sending him texts at Christmas when I knew he was spending it alone and also on New Years Day too.. but he shuts me down at every turn.. Thats his prerogative of course, but its not what Im used to... I am friends with every man I have ever dated until now. I have tried and tried with him.. Most of his friends are cool with me. As recently as tonight one of his friends that he was hangin out with this past weekend gave me hugs and said how happy he was I was doing better. Why cant he be as "good" with me as his friends are? There have been a few friends of his that have deleted me from Facebook and Blocked me on Twitter.. Oddly enough none of my friends have done that to him.. I never thought of him as immature but I guess my good intuition was wrong for once. His desire to have the last word even extended into his last blog post stating how HE HAS CONTROL over the comments that are made on his blog.... As i type this i realize how ridiculous my blog is about this situation.. but not as ridiculous as stating "RULES" about the comments that are allowed on my blog... that of course is my opinion AND as he said, If that isn't something you agree with, please, feel free to unlink me and move along.

I dont know where Im going with this post... Ive been out drinking and having fun all night.. thats my excuse..

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

This is going to kill me


Proof that arguing with some people is pointless. Those people that ALWAYS have to have the last word, are gonna kill me. He is NOT worth it at all

Saturday, January 16, 2010

This is for you

1.Drink plenty of water. 2. Eat b'fast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. 3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 4. Live with the 3 E's - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy. 5. Make time to pray. 6. Play more games. 7. Read more than you did in 09. 8. Sit in silence for 10 minutes each day. 9.Sleep 7 hours. 10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. While you walk, smile. 11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 12 Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 13. Don't over do. Keep your limits. 14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. 16. Dream more while you are awake. 17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 23. Smile and laugh more. 24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.... Society: 25. Call your family often. 26. Each day give something good to others. 27. Forgive everyone for everything. 28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. 29.. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 30. What other people think of you is none of your business. 31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. Life: 32. Do the right thing! 33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 34. GOD heals everything. 35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.. 36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.. 37. The best is yet to come. 38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it. 39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. Last but not the least: 40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.

Yeah Right!

I say I doint want no Scrubs, but for those of you that really know me youll find this to be exactly opposite of what I usually go for. Like I tell my friend Sister Iona.. I want a guy that looks like he'll steal my DVD player after sex.

I recently started "talking to" this boy that is sweet as pie and SOOOOO cute, he doesnt leave real close to here so well see what happens. It does feel good to know there are still good guys out there interested in me.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

41 years old and still havin a good time

The Birthday started out great, I was stayin at Moms house for a couple days so I woke up and had Breakfast Birthday Cake



Then I took a nice bath in the jacuzzi tub


Soon after I arrived home from moms I hightailed it over to Baja Bettys for some Birthday cocktails! here I am with Mi Amigo Paco




Then my Best Girl and Heidimomma showed up, then the fun REALLY started, silly hats, penis balloons and more drinks!




After Baja Bettys we went to Babycakes for a cupcake and coffee.. I went home for about an hour then headed out to Urban Mos to meet up with a friend I dont get to see to often, Kirk is workin 2 jobs right now and workin out at the gym and workin it in general.. He ate dinner while I had a couple black lemonades... Those things really kick my ass!! We chatted about "stuff" a short time. I really like Kirk, he is one of the sweetest guys Ive had the pleasure of getting to know.. Hes a busy guy but I hope I get to hang out with him again soon!

SO THEN.. I headed out to Pecs....OMG I dont even know what happened then, oh wait yes I do, I ran into some Facebook friends. Christopher V. and I chatted for a while.
as I was standing there talking to Christopher I heard the guy behind me introduce himself and i recognized his name as a facebook friend ive never met before Chris C. Hes got some killer tattoos and y'all know how much I love tattoos! WOOF
Chris C. was talking to this other guy that was also sporting some nice ink.. and he was HOT, I dont remember his name but if anyone knows this hot bearded daddy...HOOK ME UP!!

Creating common ground by Sanel Lekic

Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others allows you to forge meaningful relationships. There can be no true bond when two people have closed themselves off from one another. When you reveal yourself to another, however, any chasm that separates you is bridged by intimacy. This can be difficult at first, but it is emotionally fulfilling to relate to others in an intimate way. Revealing yourself to another person brings you closer together and your authentic connection gives you a common ground upon which to grow your relationship. Your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings today will help you find greater intimacy with others.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Twitter, Validation, Turning 41

Ive been sick for a while with a cold or sinus infection or something.. So ive been spending a lot of time on Twitter. I'm "meeting" some really interesting people on there. Some sexy mo-fos and some sweethearts that ive even emailed and one guy even called me and left me a message ( i kept it and listen to it occasionally) LOL

The other day on Twitter a strange thing happened, I was chatting with this guy and when I looked at his time line I saw that he was also talking with the ex at the same time. Now only being able to see one side of the conversation I could tell they were talking about me. As usual the ex was being his hidden secretive self and asking the guy to DM him (private message) I sent the ex a text and told him to quit talking shit about me, he replied being defensive. In the past he just ignored my text messages when Im trying to be nice or friendly, answering this one tells me he likes the drama. He said he wasnt talking shit blah blah blah. But my question is why even bring up my name? huh? WHY? Maybe you werent talking shit but why was I even brought up? The guy that we were chatting with also told me that it was the ex that brought my name up first and he thought it was odd that he would do so? I got angry for awhile because Ive been doin really good and I dont need any setbacks. I know I allow it to happen but im workin on that. Im feeling a lot stronger and validated when I see that some of the friends of his of which I spoke (the flaky one) has started blocking other friends for no valid reason and is back to his old ways of being flaky to his supposed best friend. Its just validation for my feelings and thoughts I made months ago about this person.


Im gonna be 41 in a couple of days, Im feelin weird about that for some reason. Im not really feeling "old" but 41 means i am IN my 40s not just 40 anymore.. dumb I know. I think my feelings of sadness about turning 40 are because im still alone..
SIGH, so far this year hasn't turned out to be too great, ive been sick most of the time. I really wanted to go somewhere out of town for my birthday, like San Francisco or Vegas or somewhere fun, I havent been out of town for a LONG time. I need to get out of San Diego soon,...

LASTLY does anyone know what "THAT" is of which Meatloaf speaks? I cant think of anything I wouldnt do for love.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Attention all drag queens!! Man your battle stations!!

I just got off the phone with someone directly involved in this mess, his confidence and clarity in this is inspiring to me. If you arent familar with whats going on read it here Pride Mess or here More of a mess than we thought then read of the arrogant reply from SD Pride Board of Directors

This isnt the first time I have been down on an organization in San Diego, there was a time when The Center was a mess, and now its a thriving organization that serves the entire community. I have faith that the existing board of directors of San Diego Pride will do the right thing so that this town hall meeting on Sunday doesn't turn into a witch hunt or "barn burning" Do the right thing!! Your actions have already cost this community two talented and wonderfully dedicated individuals. Jeffrey Redondo and Ken St. Pierre have handled themselves 100 times better than the BOD of SD Pride.

I have so many more thoughts about this situation, but im trying not to get myself too worked up over it. I will attend the meeting on Sunday and hopefully voice my opinion. SD Pride belongs to this community, and it needs to directed by people that CARE about the entire community.

Henry Cavill Naked!

This is worthy of its own blog post, I think it speaks for itself.