Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Can we talk?

I believe if you look hard enough for something you will find it. That goes for happiness, sadness, drama..everything. If you have it in your mind that someone is a certain way, you will find something to support that feeling whether it is true or not. If you are easily influenced by others thoughts and feelings about a situation or person, you will also 'look" for a reason to have those same feelings.

Yesterday my friend Chris posted this on Facebook and it got me thinking...

Not only do we avoid focusing on ourselves when we gossip, but our disrespect for others reinforces self-defeating attitudes about relationships. - Anonymous :-)

As I said on Facebook yesterday my Blog is somewhere that I express my feelings and experiences. It is NOT a place where I gossip. I share MY feelings and thoughts. I dont even know if people read it. So is that considered gossip? When you have a direct conversation with people and you are talking about someone else THAT might be considered gossip. Have I talked about other people before? Absolutely!! Everyone does, but few are big enough to admit it. And if you think people arent talking about you, well my dears you are clearly delusional... This is a lesson I have learned time and time again. They maybe laughing and joking with you one day, but the next they might just be laughing about you with someone else.

I would be lying if I said I didnt worry about what people think of me or what they maybe saying. I admitted to that as being my biggest fault. At least I am aware of it and I try hard not to let it get to me.

Heres a few things you might want to think about or consider.

When did you stop thinking for yourself? Are you that easily influenced? What is your motivation for thinking the way you do? Are you a fair weather friend? Do you jump on the band wagon? Are you better than someone else? Do you have issues or problems you ignore but you concentrate on other peoples shortcomings? Maybe you have other motivations for doing what you do? Does that make you right or wrong? Does that make me right or wrong?

Self-defeating attitudes about relationships.... That says A LOT!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Whos that girl?

So yesterday I checked in into my house on Foursquare and I made a comment on that post that said "the only place I wont run into the SWF"

A short time later a now ex friend sent me a nasty text that I have since deleted so I cant remember exactly what it said. (see my last blog post) But basically he was tellin me what a jerk I was for making a comment about my old BFF. Really? did I mention her name in that comment? What would lead him to believe I was talking about her?

You remember the movie Single White Female? where this girl moves in with another girl and sort of takes over her life? She starts dressing like her roommate, befriending all of her friends, going to the same places, making the moves on her boyfriend (before she kills him). This girl basically takes over the other girls life. She cant go anywhere without her roomie being there or having her hand in what she is doing.

What would make him think I was talking about someone in particular? Is this something my old BFF has done or is doing? Does he consider her to be acting like the girl in the movie? I dont know, hes the one that matched my comment to my old BFF so maybe thats what people think??? I guess its a matter of opinion..

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.. My old bff doesnt even follow me anywhere on Twitter or on foursquare so she would not have even known about my comment if he didnt make such a big issue over it. So all he did was create DRAMA! If he didnt like it all he had to do was choose to ignore it. As I told him once before he doesnt need to be involved in this.

Something else I learned from someone I dated was if you dont like what I have to say then dont read my stuff. Its as easy as that. And if you dont have the decency to return emails, or reply to text messages you do not have the privilege of spouting off your opinions to me in a text message whenever you feel like it. Thats really poor communication and also very immature.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

They're not worthy

So my thinking may be different than some people and what makes sense to me might not make sense to others. But please tell me what you think.

When someone that you call a friend decides to just stop replying to your texts or emails and is ignoring you when in social settings is it up to you to make the effort to see what the issue is? My feeling is that if this person is a friend and they have an issue with you they should be able to talk to you about it. Dont their actions pretty much tell you they dont want to communicate with you? Nothing was ever solved by ignoring someone, so if thats the road they choose then to me their actions say they have no interest in having a relationship with you. I guess this is like what I was talking about in my blog a couple days ago, It just takes time to see someones "true colors" Immature behavior like this is just not something that I need to deal with in my life right now, and I should just be happy that I didnt get too involved with this person.

I have experienced this from two different people in the last month. Oddly (or maybe not so odd) these two people are good friends. Birds of a feather?? Or maybe they feed off of each other? I dont know, and after writing this blog I realize Im much better off without them in my life.

UPDATE!! well after a week of trying unsuccessfully to get a hold of him to get my picnic blanket, he finally contacted me yesterday, but only to once again stick his nose in some business that wasnt his. I had asked him once before to stay out of this thing with my old BFF and I but he was probably already drinking and and that fueled his need to say something to me. His drinking was really the biggest issue in trying to be his friend, he never remembers anything that happens, so you hear the same stories over and over, he gets SO insecure and sensitive. How many times did I have to hear him point to a stranger and say "Hes talking shit about me"!!! He also tries to call you out for making a comment about something that he thinks isnt true, but in reality he just didnt remember it happening. He gets mad and leaves the bar, even if hes the one that drove (hes left me at a bar twice) I already erased his text message from yesterday, I wish I hadnt because it was kind of comical. The very thing he was TRYING to bitch me out for was the very thing he was doing. It was probably the alcohol, but as his new "bestie" said a few weeks ago, "he isn't the brightest thing".

Im so embarrassed about that blog I wrote calling him a friend for life (Ive taken that one down) I will miss the good times we had because there were a few, but he was just a blink of time in my life. I wont be one of the people that hangs out with him JUST because hes always paying for everything. The babysitting I had to do wasnt even worth me going out. I dont need to be out so badly that Ill put up with his drama just for a free drink. I wish him luck and I wish him well, and everyone around him too.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

And you and you and you, you have to give people hope.

After a lengthy talk with a good friend last night I was/am feeling pretty down. Among many things that I constantly worry about is what I can possibly do with the rest of my life, feelings of hopelessness consume me. I feel like starting over at 41 years old just isnt possible. Im broke, unemployed, fat and single. I feel like Ill never be able to pull myself out of this.

This morning I saw a post by my friend Tryce and it got me thinking I can still do anything I want, after all Harvey Milk didnt even become involved in politics until he was 40 years old, not that I want to become a politician, but thats a pretty big mountain to start climbing at 40 years old. I just need to find my motivation.

Last night while chatting with my friend I realized that I need to start having more conversations with people that have overcome major obstacles. Im tired of hearing sob stories from people about how awful their life is when in reality they have it pretty damn easy. Bitching about how awful your mother is, or how you need new clothes, or how you are so confused by the 2-3 guys you're trying to date.. Maybe thats why I feel so hopeless all the time? Because when I hear people bitching about stuff like that, you can imagine I must feel totally broken and unfix-able

I guess there is hope for me. I just need to believe in myself more, I need to RE become the person I used to be...But how? I need to begin by concentrating on that little tiny glimmer of hope, instead of the huge amount of hopelessness.

Every time I feel like Im taking a step forward, I take 2 steps backwards. I dont know how to stay on the right path anymore.

I was hoping by blogging I would come up with some answers for myself like I usually do.. Not this time.

Happy Harvey Milk Day

Friday, May 21, 2010

Let me clarify something

I think some people are confused as to what my blog is about. My blog has always been and will always be somewhere that I express my FEELINGS. They might be feelings that have built up over a period of time, or they be feelings Im still not clear on and writing them down helps me work through them.

I had a few private comments on my last blog, one person said he completely agreed with what I said, one person said happy to see you working through your feelings here and one person said they thought it was mean spirited and unnecessary. So I bet you can figure out the reason why Im writing THIS blog today. I can deal with the opinion of being mean spirited (it was not how it was intended) but to say it was unnecessary? well that has bothered me all week, so now I am writing about it (see how it works) The person that said that has been a friend for many years and I know he has great love for me and he truly only wants the best for me. He is afraid of me looking foolish, pathetic, etc etc. I know he is reading this and I just wanna tell him.. I love you! Im only writing about this to get it off my chest, after this I wont think about it again. I have a hard enough time pleasing myself, Ive learned Ill never please everyone else.

At the museums on Tuesday we were joking about how I should start a blog like Gossip Girl, an anonymous blog so I can truly say what I want to about people and not get any backlash. But see THAT would be mean spirited and thats not my intention here.

Today I am experiencing something that i can only laugh at. Bitchy status updates on Facebook by people that are so easily influenced by others words and opinions. Whats sad is this person is unaware of the fact that some of the people he is listening to right now are the same people that talk about him behind his back. This guy is sweet and wants to have friends so badly that it seems he is willing to do whatever it takes to get friends, but over the last month or so Ive learned he plays both sides of a situation and just lets people hear what they wanna hear. I dont have time for that kind of shit, but I cant really be angry at him, I think he is just trying to make friends and I think he is just doing what he thinks is right in order to do so.

See now writing this blog has really helped me, I was sort of worried that I was going through friends rather quickly, but in reality what is happening is that it takes time for people to reveal their true authentic selves to you, and when they do you either like the person they are or you dont. I have met a lot of new people in the past few months, some of them I really like and some of them as I learn more about them I realize they are just not people I mesh with. I know there are people I have met that just dont like me either.. Thats the way life works. One of the differences with me is I wont act phony about it and pretend I like someone "just because".. I figure it out and move on rather quickly.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I havent blogged for awhile for many reasons.. #1 Ive been feeling really good lately, #2 the few things that are bothering me are mostly about people I have or am building friendships with and I dont want to embarrass them.

I was talking with my friend Dan yesterday and he mentioned that my spirits seemed to be up lately and I would have to agree. I have been keeping myself very busy lately, going to Balboa Park, visiting the museums, fun stuff! Of course Ive been goin to Baja Bettys and the usual haunts but not as much. I havent been drinking as much either, it just hasnt had too much of an appeal, and at times it actually makes me physically ill and I'll have to go to the bathroom and puke. The other reason I think I have been doing so well is that I have not been hangin out with people that have a negative influence on me or that just drain me, sometimes you dont realize how draining someone can be on you until you are no longer around them.

My bff and I havent hung out for a couple of weeks, and at times I feel like I should feel sad about this, but the truth is I dont... I havent tried to replace her with anybody or anything, Ive just been livin my life and its been pretty good. We were friends for about 10 years, she was very young when we met (21 or 22) and I was about 30, and I think maybe we have just grown apart. Emotionally she isnt someone I can really go to for support because.. well shes a girl and she gets very emotional. I need someone strong and experienced to help me through situations and give me advice, and at this stage in my life I think I have just outgrown her. You can only stretch out the fun times so long, you need new experiences and situations to build on, and us hangin out at a gay bars just isnt doin it anymore. Im 41 years old, been there done that.

My life experiences have been more than most of my friends, and its hard to find one person to go to for support that has the kind of experiences that I have had in my life. I gotta give props to Gooster for a great piece of advice he gave me a couple months ago, well actually he just told me something that works for him and Ive been trying to apply it, Anyway what he told me was instead of depending on one or two people for support, find out what each of your friends strengths are and go to them as needed, that way you dont wear anyone out to soon. I have kind of realized that I was the ONE person my old bff went to all the time and I think I just got worn out.

I posted a Facebook status last week that said something like To all my friends that are delusional but aware of what their issues are I LOVE YOU, to those that are delusional but not aware of their issues or problems I love you too just not as often. Thats really proven to be effective for me. I have a friend that lets say STRETCHES the truth quite often, hell sometimes he just right out lies, the only thing I can figure is that he does this for attention? Thats OK we all have our "stuff" but I have learned I cant trust anything he says, and I spend much less time with him. I havent talked to him about it because it isnt my place, if he feels that this works for him GREAT let it be. I still have some laughs with him on occasion, but when his bullshit starts to get deep I find myself starting to call him out on it, so maybe I need to start hangin out with him even less.
Theres one more thing Im wanting to talk about but Im tired of writing this AM.. Ill save it for later I guess..

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A new friend for life

You know when you meet someone and you just click? My new friend John (NavyGuyN619 on Twitter) is just one of those people. We met via Twitter. Funny thing is when we first started conversing I thought he and a guy I used to date were talking shit about me.. That wasnt the case at all, John just had no clue how to tweet back then.

Ive already talked about him here on my last blog post John is REALLY cute and REALLY sweet. Im tellin ya if he wasnt a friend one of us would be breakin the others heart.

John is totally open and sensitive to letting me talk to him about anything goin on in my life, and I hope he knows that Im always there to listen to him... Hes a big tough guy though and I dont see him cryin on my shoulder too much.

Johns a bit of a wild child and tonight we had a blast. We went to Baja Bettys with Joe (Cute Tall Boy) then to Guys, Games, and Grub at The LGBT Center, then ended the night with The Dreamgirls Revue at Urban Mo's, there was this cute guy there that John had gone out with a couple times, this guy was tryin to get on John but john was (sort of) pushing the guy away so then I think the guy thought John and I were together so this guy tried gettin all up in my Kool Aid askin me if I was single, etc etc.. HAHAHAHAHAHA I just rolled with it... I kissed that boy and flirted back with him and just played his game.. John and I were giggling like high school girls

I gotta say somedays I feel like Im 50 instead of 40(something) But when I hang out with John I feel 30 again.. Now that could be a dangerous thing like it was on Saturday but tonight he let me quit when it was time to quit. He was a perfect friend and gentleman. I know hes got my back.

John is in the Navy and theres a good chance someday he could leave San Diego, normally i would run from making a friend that could just pick up and leave at anytime, but I have a really good feeling about this guy, when I say a friend for life I mean it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Some GREAT words by my friend Kai


You want your reputation and your character to match, but concentrate on your character. You may be able to fool others about the kind of person you really are for a time, but it seldom lasts for long. The surest way to make sure your character and your reputation are the same is to live your life in such a way that nothing you do would embarrass you if it were printed on the front page of the newspaper. Good character means not ever taking ethical shortcuts, even though everyone else may be doing so. You build good character by doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.

Round two

The only thing I can figure out why ny old "BFF" is mad at me AGAIN is that I kept a secret from her to "protect" her, as did two other friends of ours. When the secret came out I was the bad guy.. I wasn't told why she is mad at me this time. So im left to figure it out on my own and that's all I can come up with.

Last week she was mad at me because on Monday I turned down a makeup job she asked me to do and on Tuesday the day my Doctor suggested I go back into the hospital I didn't want to talk with her about it. Either reason in my mind are very selfish reasons to be MAD at someone else. I can understand frustrated and I can understand fed up, but do those things really constitute her then ignoring me and telling me she has nothing to say to me when I ask her why she isn't replying to me? Because I didn't live up to her expectations I am the bad guy? (see last blog post if you are confused)

Because of my depression and being "down" I didn't quite have it in me to do a makeup job, plus I no longer have my own makeup kit, it was stolen a few years ago. I sometimes use a friends makeup kit when I do someones drag makeup but the tools and makeup are not of the "caliber" i need to do makeup for a commercial. You need a certain type of foundation, proper colors, etc etc. Is the commercial video or film because its different for each of those too. A drag queens (a non PRO drag queen) makeup kit would hardly fill the bill for this job. Secondly its not really easy being creative when you are depressed either. I actually found this article on dealing with depression as an artist. Read it here The makeup job was originally scheduled for Friday and I was actually feeling fine on Friday, but there was no way for me to know that. But as I said, without the proper tools the job may not have come out too well. Is that a price your willing to pay for a client?

Yesterday I was having a great time with my friend John. we met up with "C" after she went to the Hole with another friend. Things were going great, but I guess this is where I stop writing about what happened. As I said in my Facebook status last night, I'm not afraid of looking foolish to people because I am going to keep someone elses "secrets" to myself. I don't feel like I have to tell you everything about "C" or what happened yesterday so that you will have the full story just so I am justified. I am very comfortable with my position in this situation. ESPECIALLY based on the "last" reason she was mad at me, and what she said to me after John dropped us off. I can only assume that this one was just as selfish. When I wrote my blog yesterday saying our friendship was over and I have no regrets I should have listened to myself, I should have left it at that.

Sadly most of us put expectations on our friends, we expect them to be sensitive to our feelings, our ups and downs, our mistakes, etc etc. When they don't meet our expectations do we get angry at them? Do we stop talking to them? Ignore them when we see them out? Or do we tell them why we are upset? I guess it would depend on the "severity" of the issue. If my depression is so severe that my friends get "mad" at me well then Ill take the blame. Its just easier that way

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Cleaning house with no regrets/always go with your gut instinsts

I dont know if its a certain age you reach or just a certain point in life, where you just make an unconscious decision to no longer deal with other peoples drama and bullshit.

In the past couple of months I have made choices to no longer deal with people after they have exhibited behavior thats either dramatic or irrational, or just simply straight up lying. I instantly wipe them away and I have no regrets about it at all.
Ive recently done this with 2 friends of mine, and I truly have not second guessed my decision or regretted it one bit.

Today I came to the realization that my best friend and I would no longer be best friends. Im not going to write about all of our issues here, because to be quite honest I dont really know what happened she just suddenly stopped communicating with me, at first it hurt my feelings but after she didnt reply to 2 text messages 2 days in a row and ignored me when she walked into Baja Bettys, I finally sent her an email, that said "you wanna tell me why you arent replying to me?" well she replied to the mail and her response was I have nothing to say to you. .. Well thats all I needed to hear.. Dont need the drama thanks. Like I said Im not gonna go on about it here. I dont need to get it all off my chest, I am surprisingly feeling OK about this, I mean I would be lying if I said it didnt bother me a little bit, after all I am up at 3:45 writing a blog post about it. But i think my current anxiety was caused by her blocking me from reading her wall on Facebook last night, So just to make it easier on her I removed her as a friend, but sent her an email telling her why.

Its going to be weird not having a "best friend" anymore but I also feel like there is this huge weight lifted off of me. Its hard to explain with out saying too much about how our relationship was. But i feel a small sense of relief and freedom.

I do know that I have SO many friends that I enjoy spending time with that I have probably neglected because I was always with my "Best Girl" Just this afternoon I hung out with two friends, one of which I have known longer than my old BFF and another friend Ive known almost as long and I thought WOW I've really been missing out on interacting with other people I enjoy, people that dont need constant attention or reassuring that they look good, or crying because some girl looked at them wrong, or any other issues that come up with straight girls... sorry to all my straight girl friends but its true, y'all can be a lot of work.

Yesterday morning my friend Jeffrey reminded me that I need to worry more about me instead of other people, he and I both agree that its a sad way to be and against both of our nature to not worry about other people.. But with all that I have been through in the past 6 months it really is the best way for me to handle things.

Well I guess thats all for now. Gonna see if I can sleep a couple hours before my 7AM client shows up