All about Capricorns

I found this on the internet, and since my birthday is coming up (January 12th) I thought it was a good time for some self reflection.

The sign Capricorn is one of the most stable and (mostly) serious of the zodiacal types. These independent, rocklike characters have many sterling qualities. They are normally confident, strong willed and calm. These hardworking, unemotional, shrewd, practical, responsible, persevering, and cautious to the extreme persons, are capable of persisting for as long as is necessary to accomplish a goal they have set for themselves. Capricorn are reliable workers in almost any profession they undertake. They are the major finishers of most projects started by the 'pioneering' signs; with firm stick-to-it-ness they quickly become the backbone of any company they work for.

Capricorn make of themselves, resourceful, determined managers; setting high standards for themselves and others. They strive always for honesty in their criticism of self, they respect discipline from above and demand it from those beneath them. In their methodical, tough, stubborn, unyielding way, they persist against personal hardship, putting their families and/or their work before their own needs and welfare to reach their objectives long after others have given up and fallen by the wayside. In fact when practical ability allied with the drive of ambition are required in employees to make a project succeed, Capricorn are the people to hire. They plan carefully to fulfill their ambitions (which often include becoming wealthy), they are economical without meanness, and able to achieve great results with minimum effort and expense. Because of their organizing ability they are able to work on several projects simultaneously.

They have a great respect for authority but may not, if they reach high rank, be willing to listen to other opinions on things they are directly responsible for. As the ranking authority figure in a given situation they expect their underlings to be as self disciplined as they themselves are, and to perform every task undertaken to the highest standard.
They are, nevertheless, fair as well as demanding. Among their equals they are not always the most pleasant of work fellows for they are reserved and too conservative, valuing tradition more than innovation, however valuable the latter, and they are often humorless. There is also a tendency to pessimism, melancholy and even unhappiness which many Capricorn are unable to keep to themselves, especially if they fail personally. In the extreme this trait can make them a very depressed individual; ecstatic happiness alternating with the most wretched kind of misery which is so subconsciously buried that he or she should seek help if such emotions become frequent. For the above reason, capable Capricorn should spend many hours in meditation, gathering the strength to control such inner emotions.

The swings in mood are not the only reason some Capricorns deserve the adjective based on their name - capricious. They can be surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, reserved individuals they seem to be, and they also have a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of flippancy. In certain individuals in whom the characteristic is strong, the temptation to do this has to be resisted with iron self-control. Another unexpected quality in some Capricorn is an interest in the occult which persists in spite of their naturally skeptical turn of mind.

Their intellects are sometimes very subtle. They think profoundly and deeply, throughly exploring all possibilities before deciding on a 'safe' alternative. They have good memories and an insatiable yet methodical desire for knowledge. They are rational, logical and clearheaded, have good concentration, delight in debate in which they can show off their cleverness by luring their adversaries into traps and confounding them with logic.

In their personal relationships they are often ill-at-ease, if not downright unhappy. They are somewhat self-centered but not excessively so, wary and cautious around people they do not know very well, preferring not to meddle with others and in turn not to allow interference with themselves, thus they tend to attract people who do not understand them. Casual acquaintances they will treat with diplomacy, tact and, above all, reticence. They make few good friends but are intensely loyal to those they do make, and they can become bitter, and powerful enemies. They sometimes dislike the opposite sex and test the waters of affection gingerly before judging the temperature right for marriage. Once married, however, they are faithful, though inclined to jealousy. Most Capricorns marry for life.

Their occupations can include most professions that have to do with math or money and they are strongly attracted to music. They can be economists, financiers, bankers, speculators, contractors, managers and real estate brokers. They excel as bureaucrats, especially where projects demanding long-term planning and working are concerned, and their skill in debate and love of dialectic make them good politicians. They are excellent teachers, especially as principals of educational establishments where they have the authority to manage and organize without too much intimacy with the staff members. If working with their hands, they can become practical scientists, engineers, farmers and builders. The wit and flippancy which is characteristic of certain Capricornians may make some turn to entertainment as a career.

Toys for Kids A program of The Imperial Court de San Diego

Diving head first into its 35th year, The Imperial Court de San Diego “Toys for Kids” Holiday drive encourages the community to donate an unwrapped toy or a monetary donation, which will benefit families across San Diego County and Tijuana. In a continued effort to support diverse family units, last year’s holiday drive successfully provided 42 families with much needed food and gifts for the holiday season.

“Since 1974, The Imperial Court de San Diego held the Toys for Kids drive in an effort to provide gifts to local children who fall below the poverty line” says City Commissioner, Nicole Murray Ramirez,

About Toys for Kids: The Imperial Court’s annual Toys for Kids drive, the oldest holiday toy drive of the LGBT community, was established in 1974 after the Marine Toys for Tots Foundation refused to accept donations from the homosexual community. From the time of its inception, the Toys for Kids program has brought holiday cheer to thousands of children throughout San Diego County and Mexico.

This year The Imperial Court de San Diego is distributing toys to a minimum of 6 organizations including

1)Family Matters
2)Barrio Station
3)Acosida in Tijuana
4)Escondido Health Center
5)Ramona Health Services
6)Christie's Place

Lonely is the Night

I couldn't get this song out of my head last night, after reading the lyrics I understand why. I know there are a lot of other people out there that feel like I do.. Im just not afraid to admit it. So to those that are afraid.. This ones for you!




Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone
Your demons come to light and your mind is not your own
Lonely is the night when there's no one left to call
You feel the time is right--(say) the writin's on the wall

It's a high time to fight when the walls are closin' in
Call it what you like--it's time you got to win
Lonely, lonely, lonely--your spirit's sinkin' down
You find you're not the only stranger in this town

Red lights, green lights, stop 'n go jive
Headlines, deadlines jammin' your mind
You been stealin' shots from the side
Let your feelin's go for a ride

There's danger out tonight..the man is on the prowl
Get the dynamite...the boys are set to howl
Lonely is the night when you hear the voices call
Are you ready for a fight--do you wanna take it all

Slowdown, showdown--waitin' on line
Showtime, no time for changin' your mind
Streets are ringin', march to the sound
Let your secrets follow you down

Somebody's watchin' you baby--so much you can do
Nobody's stoppin' you baby, from makin' it too
One glimpse'll show you now baby, what the music can do
One kiss'll show you now baby--it can happen to you

No more sleepin', wastin' our time
Midnight creepin's first on our minds
No more lazin' 'round the tv
You'll go crazy--come out with me

Sanity is a point of view

This was written by the 14 year old son (a freshman in high school) of a Facebook friend of mine, she and I have only meet once, and she honked at me once as I was walking down University Ave. But stuff like this is one of the reasons I love making new friends on Facebook, you never know how someone will touch your heart or make you smile. I havent changed any of his words, just the spelling of a few words.

Sanity is a point of view, just the same is with reason, reality, and the five human senses. these are what really separates the sane and the insane. its just that the people who ...are in the popular majority are defined not crazy. the people who have a slightly different perspective are called losers, weird, gay, and are usually outcast or hidden to what they want to be. once in a long while one of these people are brave enough to become a revolutionary and make the next big discovery or revelation. even create a new religion. so a repressed soul or crazy person may be hard to interpret but full of valuable information. like a instruction manual in a different language of their own. some people are wrongly considered crazy, as some knot known, some controversially known. the idea of sanity & insanity is one of the many things that create most problems across the world. but like our bio-structure, without it we would not be human.

that is what became in the changes of evolution.
we gained the ability to judge others perspective.
animals do not do this. either they get along or
die. we evolved to humans to drag out this process
so we could keep the human population high to
become the dominant species on the planet.

in retrospect, evolution is a combat tactic

Im not the only one that feels this way....

A friend on Facebook tagged me in this note last night.. I didn't really read it until today but its funny how many of his feelings are the same as mine. Its nice to know I'm not alone.

I don't understand....by Harley Hinton on Tuesday,

I don't understand how people smile all day long, but cry themselves to sleep. How pictures never change, but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy. How forever turns into a few short months, that you'd do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live w|out. How people who once wanted to spend every second w| you, thinks a moment is too much to spare. How a persons smell stays w| you, even when they are not there. How no one will take the blame, but everyone wants the credit. How people make promises they know will never happen. How people can erase you from their lives just cause its easier than working things out. How ones who hurt you the most are the ones that are SO close. How the ones who truly understand you, never seem to know it, and the ones who always wanted to never really will. How the ones who are distant, never seem to leave and the ones who get close, make it really hard to breathe. How you make so many plans, you know will never happen, and what always seems to happen, isn't what you planned. How you know so many people, but feel like no ones there. How the ones who made you happy, now don't even care. and we are just left wondering ... why cant life be fair ?

Let it go!

I borrowed this from my friend Rick, and Im going to keep reading it until I believe it.

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to, LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you, LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents, LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude, LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better, LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him, LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship, LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves, LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed, LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to, LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing, LET IT GO!!!

My first day at City College

Woe is me, all summer long I was happy and free. Save my soul, the board of education took away my parole. I gotta go back, back, back to school again.

What a day! Up at 5:30 to catch the bus to take me to my first day of school!
I arrived about 30 minutes early in order to find my class on time. Political Science 102, The American Political System. I found my seat and settled in 5-10 minutes before class began. I was shocked at the amount of people that came in late. OK 8AM on the first day of school I can understand if you are 5, maybe 10 minutes late.. But half an hour?? Well Miss THANG pulls a chair up next to me and says "can you scoot down?" (I wanted to say) NO BITCH I CAINT!! I got here on time, I picked this aisle seat because I wanted it. But what I did say (politely) "no you can sit in the middle I was here on time so I could have my pick of where to sit".. Or as Sister Iona said.. (I'm paraphrasing here) "I aint in school to make friends, move your ass out of my way"

I really liked the Professor, hes been teaching 40 years and this is his last year before retirement so hes full of stories, and VERY ADD like me. I follow him perfectly. So far there are 3 or 4 cute BOYS in that class, one who is sorta "cubby", but yes they are all under 20 years old, Im guessing more like 18 or 19, fresh out of High School. Those of you that know me know how I feel about the young ones.

I have a 5.5 hour break between classes on Mon & Wed, which beginning next week will be fine, because I can go to the library and study and play on Facebook...I mean study. Today I came home to eat lunch. The bus ride is only about 30 minutes each way, if i were to drive it takes me about 15 minutes to get to City College but with the parking situation downtown I could drive around for 15-20 minutes looking for a parking spot that's blocks away from the school. It really is quicker to just take the bus.

Back to school to try and crash a math class (some people call it auditing a class) Technically I wasn't crashing because I was on the wait list for the class, I am #7 on the list. I got there early and sat front and center so she could see my smiling face! ( I may have even flirted a little, HELL I NEED THIS CLASS) When the instructor took role today there were 8 registered students not in class and 2 on the wait list, so I moved up to #5 on the wait list.. The instructor said if they aren't here on the first day I drop em!! Now if 8 registered students were absent and I am #5 on the list... Well lets just say that math I DO understand, however the instructor wont give out any add codes until the next class, so Im still not officially in yet.

I really hate math, or I should say the IDEA of math. Today the instructor went over some basic stuff and it all started coming back to me, I even asked a question that stumped her for a moment. I think I'll do well in this class. The instructor encouraged us to try to form study groups of 3-4 people, so after class the cute read head boy came up and introduced himself. His name is Sydney.

to be continued.....

I fall too fast, I think too much

So I've been hanging out with someone a little over a month or so. We dont say we're dating, we aren't boyfriends, we are just spending time together. Ive gotta say its been a great experience for me. Ive learned so many things about myself, self control, sharing, caring, not sharing too much, not caring too much, Paying him enough attention, but not paying him too much attention. There are a lot of unwritten rules when you aren't really dating someone. Its a great test for your confidence and self control. Going out dancing or to a bar with friends is always a new experience, I mean we don't hang on each other, we give each other space to "do our thing" but at times jealousy can creep in and you wanna punch the drunk guy tryin to make out with your date. Theres also been times where one of us feels like we were being "ignored" a little. But I just have to take a deep breath and remember hes arrived with me and hes leaving with me. Sometimes that's difficult for me, but I'm learning. Another thing we discussed early on was keeping things private. I'm sure he is sitting here reading this blog and CRINGING! However I think its become pretty obvious to people that we are hanging out together quite often.

And another thing,what do you call this person? We've gone over all the terms we DON'T like, but we haven't really come up with one that works. We started out saying cuddle buddies, then I jokingly started calling him my "Man-friend" which is cute and fun, but it also sounds to much like boyfriend. I asked the question on Twitter of what I should call him and I got a couple responses. One person said call him your friend, which he is but there are things we do together that I don't do with any of my other friends. Someone suggested just calling him by his name, but there are reasons that hasn't really worked either.

We communicate wonderfully, he isn't afraid to tell me things that he doesn't like when I do them, or give me his opinion when its different than mine, he is SO considerate to my friends and whats going on in their lives, and to me that's HUGE! He is very generous to me, especially with his time. OK I'm realizing I am starting to go on a little bit too much and its even makin me a little uneasy.

Ive been through a lot in the past year, its so nice to share some good times with a great guy! I cant ask for more nor do I need anything more right now. I have school starting in a couple of weeks and I will also have to find a part time job, Ill be lucky if I will be able to get to Baja Bettys on a regular basis, let alone have a lot of time to spend with my "man-friend", but if the desire to spend time together continues we will find a way. So far I think we've been on the same page with what we both want and need at this moment..

OK that's all for now.. I need a nap... (a real one this time)

What can I say.

I havent been blogging lately.. I have some stuff to get off my chest and some things brag about, some things to "work out", and feelings to share, but I have a need and a request to keep some things a little more private lately. Im glad I have good friends that will listen to me and talk it out with me..

Ill be back to y'all soon.. I just need to find the right "voice" to express my thoughts and feelings without saying too much

Hannah Montana should EAT CORN

THIS IS AN OLD OLD OLD BLOG I WROTE BACK IN THE MY SPACE DAYS... I DONT KNOW WHY I REALLY FELT THE NEED TO POST IT HERE BUT....

What the hell is happening? Maybe i watch the news too much? Maybe I care too much about Hannah Montana??

EAT CORN!

Gas is up.53 cents from last year but half of that increase just happened in the last 4 months. Unemployment is up with all the layoffs from major companies moving factory's and production overseas, home foreclosures are up 112% from a year ago, the bad news doesnt stop.

Y'all ready for this??
Maybe the biggest problem we are facing now is all because of corn.. Yep thats right CORN!! Ethanol fuel is made from corn, and farmers are getting government subsidies for growing corn. That means farmers are switching their existing fruit and veggie crops to corn. That means the supply of other "farm grown products" (fruit, veggies, beef, pork) is less but the demand is the same. so what does that mean?? Prices go up..

You would think that with all the corn being produced right now that any product derived from corn or corn products would be cheap... but they aint. . Almost 3,000 different products in the grocery store contain corn products, everything from adhesives to whiskey the farmers are growing all this corn for ethanol production, and that doesn't leave a lot left over for food products. so what did we just learn?? supply vs demand yeah yeah you got it

The price of corn tortillas is up 50% eggs are up 40%,(chickens eat corn) and the nearly 3,000 other items with corn are sure to see price increases soon.
Thank God I dont like corn.

The cost of hops has gone up 300 to 400 percent in the last 16 months.. talk about a tear in your beer!! i feel sorry for the rednecks that are not gonna be able to afford their Papst Blue Ribbon once prices go up.
Thank God I dont like Beer..

Hannah Montana

Miley Cyrus and her internet photos then the Vanity Fair Photos.. I had my doubts about the "green bra" photo that has been going around the internet. a look alike or Photoshop?? But then i remembered shes only 15 years old, log onto MySpace and look up 15 year old girls profiles you'll find a majority of them have slutty pictures in their bras or tight midriff t-shirts with ass crack showin. its what kids do.. get over it!! If Miley were flashing us her bathing suit top under her t-shirt would we be upset?

The Vanity Fair photos have come out and the photo the media is making a big deal about is shown on the left below here... I don't see the problem.. I'm trying to recall the famous painting that this photo resembles?? maybe by Rembrandt? Let me know if you know what painting I'm referring to. I was more disturbed by the photo of her and her father. It looks like a boyfriend/girlfriend pic.. But i remembered Billy Ray used to have a mullet and we all know that a
Mullet = Redneck, and well i don't have to tell y'all the rest. Draw your own conclusions.. Hannah Montana is still a good girl ,plus her dad says shes the best kisser hes ever had. Now I REALLY want to be Hannah Montana, Billy Ray Cyrus can definitely be my Daddy!!














When I see the story of Miley's photos on every channel even the evening news...
It makes me very happy cuz I think WOW the war must be over???

What goes up, must come down (My moods)

I cant believe its been so long since my last blog post.. There really has been a lot that has happened. All good stuff really. BUT tonight there is something on my mind and I gotta let it out.

This REALLY cute guy "showed up" on my Facebook friends list not too long ago. I really dont know how we became friends but based on his hotness level Im sure I was the one to send him a friend request. He comments and "likes" almost everything I post. Well this past week I was bold enough to invite him out to dinner before a movie night with friends, he agreed to meet up and I was both nervous and excited at the same time. Unfortunately he had some major issues at work and he had to postpone... Never once did I think it was an excuse or anything.. It all worked out for the best cuz that was the day I got sick at the Fair... I wasnt in the best state to be tryin to woo some stud..

ANYWAY tonight I went to Bacchus House for Bear night.. I had a blast hangin out with Trent & Lee, but this really cute guy walked by a couple of times and then finally he came up and said, "you look like Kurt".. Guess who it was? Yep, the really cute guy from Facebook.. BUT he was even cuter in person. Immediately I felt a little inadequate... Oh I guess I forgot to mention I was wearing a COOKIE MONSTER t-shirt.. Not the sexiest thing I could have worn.

He is handsome, fun, attentive, polite, etc etc.. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea that I was VERY interested in this guy. FINALLY he asked me to dance.. WHOA!!!just WHOA.. As we walked to the dance floor I made sure Errrryone of my friends saw me steppin on the dance floor wit him..

Heres where MY story starts to change.. This guy is so handsome and so sexy.. As soon as we hit the dance floor he takes his shirt off, he encourages me to do the same. SSSSCHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH... My mood went into the pits right away. I dont look my best right now.. I dont have the confidence to take my shirt off. Do I think I could WOW this guy at a dinner table with conversation and my charm? ABSOLUTLEY!! Am I gonna win him over with my shirt off on the dance floor? Prolly not. ALTHOUGH he did mention several times he REALLY likes furry guys, and Im one of the most furriest guys I know. The guys on the dance floor at Bear night were SO HOT, there WAS NO WAY I could compete with them (not that he ever made me think I was in a competition) ARRRGH why does my mind fuck with me like this??

All in all it was a great night...HOWEVER one of the last things he said to me, almost made me give up.. I think I asked him something like, are ya gonna give me a chance to go out with you? (something like that) and he replied Sure, BUT ya gotta move quick, you have about 2 weeks to make your move (i am paraphrasing) He went on to say something about only being single about a month between relationships and hes been single for 2 weeks...... Ya know a few months ago or a year ago I would have just said oh fuck it.. he obviously isnt the right guy for me..and he may or may not be.. But ya never know til ya try... AND besides I did try to go out with him LAST week.... so shouldnt he be adding a week to my "deadline"????

Coming out of my cocoon

Cleaning is something I used to be fanatical about, my place always used to be sparkling clean, but after I became depressed back in October, its something I just didnt care about anymore, But maybe I am coming out from under my dark cloud a little bit. I have been making an effort to clean up my little apartment the past couple of weeks. Last week I had to go and get a bunch of stuff out of an old friends garage that I had stored there for quite a few months, Ive had to temporarily absorb a lot of this stuff into my place until I sell it or store it somewhere else. I started to clean my kitchen today (hopefully I will finish) Tomorrow I hope to get my bedroom cleaned up enough to sleep in my bed, I havent done so in over a month and I think thats why Im not sleeping so well. Now dont get the wrong idea, its not that my place is full of filth, its just cluttered. I havent been putting my clean laundry away, its just been on the bed, and some of the "stored" stuff is in the bedroom now as well. My place is really tiny, so it gets cluttered VERY easily.

I signed up for school today! I just signed up online, I still have to meet with a counselor, take the assessment tests, pick classes, etc But Its something I am really excited about. I still dont have a clue as to what I am going to do, but I need to get the general stuff out of the way first anyway so I have a little time to figure that out. I was actually giddy about it today, dancing around my apartment a little bit! I hope this all works out for me because I REALLY want this..

Last week 3 different friends made it a point to tell me that I seem a lot more positive in person, and my posts on Facebook have been more positive as well. I cant tell you how much that meant to me. I havent really been working on appearing positive but theres a few things that I think I can credit for the change.

#1 I think finally I have the right dosage and combination of anti-depressants, I dont think most people realize how difficult it is to find the right balance, and each time you make a change it can take anywhere from 2-4 weeks for the change to truly take effect.

#2 Ive also "removed" some negativity from my life; people, situations, etc.
Sometimes you dont really realize how negative or "nagging" someone is until you arent around them anymore.. Or maybe I just got to a point where I had heard enough people bitching about nothing and I was starting to realize it, and wasnt being so nice about it anymore....enough about that.

#3 I have realized that alcohol has played a big part in some of the drama that has happened with friends. Judgment, emotions, and reactions all get distorted with alcohol. I honestly have to say when I am drinking Im pretty happy and fun, I may get a bit annoying, but I dont fight or get mad or sensitive. If I am wrong about this I hope someone will remind me and call me out on it, but Im pretty sure I dont get all "crazy" when Im drinking. (unless you call "getting sick" on the side of a building crazy) Sorry Urban Mo's!!

I think some people dont consider that alcohol affects you NOT just the day or night you are drinking, but the effects can continue for a couple days after. I was talking with a friend about this recently and he said that he is more emotional or depressed the following day after drinking. So if you are drinking 3 or 4 days a week, that pretty much means you arent in your "right mind" too often.

Ive not gone out at certain times when I know there is gonna be too many friends together drinking, just to avoid any exposure to drama or uncomfortable situations. There have been just a few "dramatic episodes" that I have heard of, certainly no where near the amount of times I have stayed home trying to avoid it all, but I think trying to remove myself from it is a good move on my part.

Last week I enjoyed a great night out with friends for dinner Spaghetti and Show tunes and no one drank and we had plenty of fun! Now please I dont want to come across as hypocritical, anyone that knows me knows I LOVE my Baja Betty's margaritas and my Jack & Coke I'm just finding better more positive ways to enjoy myself when I am out with friends.. Smaller groups of the RIGHT people, less often, for shorter periods of time when alcohol is involved.
As two friends of mine Top Chef Rich Sweeney (yeah I just name dropped) and Gooster used to say K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid)

Can we talk?

I believe if you look hard enough for something you will find it. That goes for happiness, sadness, drama..everything. If you have it in your mind that someone is a certain way, you will find something to support that feeling whether it is true or not. If you are easily influenced by others thoughts and feelings about a situation or person, you will also 'look" for a reason to have those same feelings.


Yesterday my friend Chris posted this on Facebook and it got me thinking...

Not only do we avoid focusing on ourselves when we gossip, but our disrespect for others reinforces self-defeating attitudes about relationships. - Anonymous :-)


As I said on Facebook yesterday my Blog is somewhere that I express my feelings and experiences. It is NOT a place where I gossip. I share MY feelings and thoughts. I dont even know if people read it. So is that considered gossip? When you have a direct conversation with people and you are talking about someone else THAT might be considered gossip. Have I talked about other people before? Absolutely!! Everyone does, but few are big enough to admit it. And if you think people arent talking about you, well my dears you are clearly delusional... This is a lesson I have learned time and time again. They maybe laughing and joking with you one day, but the next they might just be laughing about you with someone else.

I would be lying if I said I didnt worry about what people think of me or what they maybe saying. I admitted to that as being my biggest fault. At least I am aware of it and I try hard not to let it get to me.

Heres a few things you might want to think about or consider.

When did you stop thinking for yourself? Are you that easily influenced? What is your motivation for thinking the way you do? Are you a fair weather friend? Do you jump on the band wagon? Are you better than someone else? Do you have issues or problems you ignore but you concentrate on other peoples shortcomings? Maybe you have other motivations for doing what you do? Does that make you right or wrong? Does that make me right or wrong?

Self-defeating attitudes about relationships.... That says A LOT!!!

Whos that girl?

So yesterday I checked in into my house on Foursquare and I made a comment on that post that said "the only place I wont run into the SWF"

A short time later a now ex friend sent me a nasty text that I have since deleted so I cant remember exactly what it said. (see my last blog post) But basically he was tellin me what a jerk I was for making a comment about my old BFF. Really? did I mention her name in that comment? What would lead him to believe I was talking about her?

You remember the movie Single White Female? where this girl moves in with another girl and sort of takes over her life? She starts dressing like her roommate, befriending all of her friends, going to the same places, making the moves on her boyfriend (before she kills him). This girl basically takes over the other girls life. She cant go anywhere without her roomie being there or having her hand in what she is doing.

What would make him think I was talking about someone in particular? Is this something my old BFF has done or is doing? Does he consider her to be acting like the girl in the movie? I dont know, hes the one that matched my comment to my old BFF so maybe thats what people think??? I guess its a matter of opinion..

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.. My old bff doesnt even follow me anywhere on Twitter or on foursquare so she would not have even known about my comment if he didnt make such a big issue over it. So all he did was create DRAMA! If he didnt like it all he had to do was choose to ignore it. As I told him once before he doesnt need to be involved in this.

Something else I learned from someone I dated was if you dont like what I have to say then dont read my stuff. Its as easy as that. And if you dont have the decency to return emails, or reply to text messages you do not have the privilege of spouting off your opinions to me in a text message whenever you feel like it. Thats really poor communication and also very immature.

They're not worthy

So my thinking may be different than some people and what makes sense to me might not make sense to others. But please tell me what you think.

When someone that you call a friend decides to just stop replying to your texts or emails and is ignoring you when in social settings is it up to you to make the effort to see what the issue is? My feeling is that if this person is a friend and they have an issue with you they should be able to talk to you about it. Dont their actions pretty much tell you they dont want to communicate with you? Nothing was ever solved by ignoring someone, so if thats the road they choose then to me their actions say they have no interest in having a relationship with you. I guess this is like what I was talking about in my blog a couple days ago, It just takes time to see someones "true colors" Immature behavior like this is just not something that I need to deal with in my life right now, and I should just be happy that I didnt get too involved with this person.

I have experienced this from two different people in the last month. Oddly (or maybe not so odd) these two people are good friends. Birds of a feather?? Or maybe they feed off of each other? I dont know, and after writing this blog I realize Im much better off without them in my life.

UPDATE!! well after a week of trying unsuccessfully to get a hold of him to get my picnic blanket, he finally contacted me yesterday, but only to once again stick his nose in some business that wasnt his. I had asked him once before to stay out of this thing with my old BFF and I but he was probably already drinking and and that fueled his need to say something to me. His drinking was really the biggest issue in trying to be his friend, he never remembers anything that happens, so you hear the same stories over and over, he gets SO insecure and sensitive. How many times did I have to hear him point to a stranger and say "Hes talking shit about me"!!! He also tries to call you out for making a comment about something that he thinks isnt true, but in reality he just didnt remember it happening. He gets mad and leaves the bar, even if hes the one that drove (hes left me at a bar twice) I already erased his text message from yesterday, I wish I hadnt because it was kind of comical. The very thing he was TRYING to bitch me out for was the very thing he was doing. It was probably the alcohol, but as his new "bestie" said a few weeks ago, "he isn't the brightest thing".

Im so embarrassed about that blog I wrote calling him a friend for life (Ive taken that one down) I will miss the good times we had because there were a few, but he was just a blink of time in my life. I wont be one of the people that hangs out with him JUST because hes always paying for everything. The babysitting I had to do wasnt even worth me going out. I dont need to be out so badly that Ill put up with his drama just for a free drink. I wish him luck and I wish him well, and everyone around him too.

And you and you and you, you have to give people hope.

After a lengthy talk with a good friend last night I was/am feeling pretty down. Among many things that I constantly worry about is what I can possibly do with the rest of my life, feelings of hopelessness consume me. I feel like starting over at 41 years old just isnt possible. Im broke, unemployed, fat and single. I feel like Ill never be able to pull myself out of this.

This morning I saw a post by my friend Tryce and it got me thinking I can still do anything I want, after all Harvey Milk didnt even become involved in politics until he was 40 years old, not that I want to become a politician, but thats a pretty big mountain to start climbing at 40 years old. I just need to find my motivation.

Last night while chatting with my friend I realized that I need to start having more conversations with people that have overcome major obstacles. Im tired of hearing sob stories from people about how awful their life is when in reality they have it pretty damn easy. Bitching about how awful your mother is, or how you need new clothes, or how you are so confused by the 2-3 guys you're trying to date.. Maybe thats why I feel so hopeless all the time? Because when I hear people bitching about stuff like that, you can imagine I must feel totally broken and unfix-able


I guess there is hope for me. I just need to believe in myself more, I need to RE become the person I used to be...But how? I need to begin by concentrating on that little tiny glimmer of hope, instead of the huge amount of hopelessness.

Every time I feel like Im taking a step forward, I take 2 steps backwards. I dont know how to stay on the right path anymore.

I was hoping by blogging I would come up with some answers for myself like I usually do.. Not this time.

Happy Harvey Milk Day

Let me clarify something

I think some people are confused as to what my blog is about. My blog has always been and will always be somewhere that I express my FEELINGS. They might be feelings that have built up over a period of time, or they be feelings Im still not clear on and writing them down helps me work through them.

I had a few private comments on my last blog, one person said he completely agreed with what I said, one person said happy to see you working through your feelings here and one person said they thought it was mean spirited and unnecessary. So I bet you can figure out the reason why Im writing THIS blog today. I can deal with the opinion of being mean spirited (it was not how it was intended) but to say it was unnecessary? well that has bothered me all week, so now I am writing about it (see how it works) The person that said that has been a friend for many years and I know he has great love for me and he truly only wants the best for me. He is afraid of me looking foolish, pathetic, etc etc. I know he is reading this and I just wanna tell him.. I love you! Im only writing about this to get it off my chest, after this I wont think about it again. I have a hard enough time pleasing myself, Ive learned Ill never please everyone else.

At the museums on Tuesday we were joking about how I should start a blog like Gossip Girl, an anonymous blog so I can truly say what I want to about people and not get any backlash. But see THAT would be mean spirited and thats not my intention here.


Today I am experiencing something that i can only laugh at. Bitchy status updates on Facebook by people that are so easily influenced by others words and opinions. Whats sad is this person is unaware of the fact that some of the people he is listening to right now are the same people that talk about him behind his back. This guy is sweet and wants to have friends so badly that it seems he is willing to do whatever it takes to get friends, but over the last month or so Ive learned he plays both sides of a situation and just lets people hear what they wanna hear. I dont have time for that kind of shit, but I cant really be angry at him, I think he is just trying to make friends and I think he is just doing what he thinks is right in order to do so.

See now writing this blog has really helped me, I was sort of worried that I was going through friends rather quickly, but in reality what is happening is that it takes time for people to reveal their true authentic selves to you, and when they do you either like the person they are or you dont. I have met a lot of new people in the past few months, some of them I really like and some of them as I learn more about them I realize they are just not people I mesh with. I know there are people I have met that just dont like me either.. Thats the way life works. One of the differences with me is I wont act phony about it and pretend I like someone "just because".. I figure it out and move on rather quickly.

Realizations

I havent blogged for awhile for many reasons.. #1 Ive been feeling really good lately, #2 the few things that are bothering me are mostly about people I have or am building friendships with and I dont want to embarrass them.

I was talking with my friend Dan yesterday and he mentioned that my spirits seemed to be up lately and I would have to agree. I have been keeping myself very busy lately, going to Balboa Park, visiting the museums, fun stuff! Of course Ive been goin to Baja Bettys and the usual haunts but not as much. I havent been drinking as much either, it just hasnt had too much of an appeal, and at times it actually makes me physically ill and I'll have to go to the bathroom and puke. The other reason I think I have been doing so well is that I have not been hangin out with people that have a negative influence on me or that just drain me, sometimes you dont realize how draining someone can be on you until you are no longer around them.

My bff and I havent hung out for a couple of weeks, and at times I feel like I should feel sad about this, but the truth is I dont... I havent tried to replace her with anybody or anything, Ive just been livin my life and its been pretty good. We were friends for about 10 years, she was very young when we met (21 or 22) and I was about 30, and I think maybe we have just grown apart. Emotionally she isnt someone I can really go to for support because.. well shes a girl and she gets very emotional. I need someone strong and experienced to help me through situations and give me advice, and at this stage in my life I think I have just outgrown her. You can only stretch out the fun times so long, you need new experiences and situations to build on, and us hangin out at a gay bars just isnt doin it anymore. Im 41 years old, been there done that.

My life experiences have been more than most of my friends, and its hard to find one person to go to for support that has the kind of experiences that I have had in my life. I gotta give props to Gooster for a great piece of advice he gave me a couple months ago, well actually he just told me something that works for him and Ive been trying to apply it, Anyway what he told me was instead of depending on one or two people for support, find out what each of your friends strengths are and go to them as needed, that way you dont wear anyone out to soon. I have kind of realized that I was the ONE person my old bff went to all the time and I think I just got worn out.

I posted a Facebook status last week that said something like To all my friends that are delusional but aware of what their issues are I LOVE YOU, to those that are delusional but not aware of their issues or problems I love you too just not as often. Thats really proven to be effective for me. I have a friend that lets say STRETCHES the truth quite often, hell sometimes he just right out lies, the only thing I can figure is that he does this for attention? Thats OK we all have our "stuff" but I have learned I cant trust anything he says, and I spend much less time with him. I havent talked to him about it because it isnt my place, if he feels that this works for him GREAT let it be. I still have some laughs with him on occasion, but when his bullshit starts to get deep I find myself starting to call him out on it, so maybe I need to start hangin out with him even less.
Theres one more thing Im wanting to talk about but Im tired of writing this AM.. Ill save it for later I guess..

A new friend for life

You know when you meet someone and you just click? My new friend John (NavyGuyN619 on Twitter) is just one of those people. We met via Twitter. Funny thing is when we first started conversing I thought he and a guy I used to date were talking shit about me.. That wasnt the case at all, John just had no clue how to tweet back then.

Ive already talked about him here on my last blog post John is REALLY cute and REALLY sweet. Im tellin ya if he wasnt a friend one of us would be breakin the others heart.

John is totally open and sensitive to letting me talk to him about anything goin on in my life, and I hope he knows that Im always there to listen to him... Hes a big tough guy though and I dont see him cryin on my shoulder too much.

Johns a bit of a wild child and tonight we had a blast. We went to Baja Bettys with Joe (Cute Tall Boy) then to Guys, Games, and Grub at The LGBT Center, then ended the night with The Dreamgirls Revue at Urban Mo's, there was this cute guy there that John had gone out with a couple times, this guy was tryin to get on John but john was (sort of) pushing the guy away so then I think the guy thought John and I were together so this guy tried gettin all up in my Kool Aid askin me if I was single, etc etc.. HAHAHAHAHAHA I just rolled with it... I kissed that boy and flirted back with him and just played his game.. John and I were giggling like high school girls

I gotta say somedays I feel like Im 50 instead of 40(something) But when I hang out with John I feel 30 again.. Now that could be a dangerous thing like it was on Saturday but tonight he let me quit when it was time to quit. He was a perfect friend and gentleman. I know hes got my back.

John is in the Navy and theres a good chance someday he could leave San Diego, normally i would run from making a friend that could just pick up and leave at anytime, but I have a really good feeling about this guy, when I say a friend for life I mean it.

Some GREAT words by my friend Kai

YOUR REPUTATION IS WHAT PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE; YOUR CHARACTER IS WHAT YOU ARE.


You want your reputation and your character to match, but concentrate on your character. You may be able to fool others about the kind of person you really are for a time, but it seldom lasts for long. The surest way to make sure your character and your reputation are the same is to live your life in such a way that nothing you do would embarrass you if it were printed on the front page of the newspaper. Good character means not ever taking ethical shortcuts, even though everyone else may be doing so. You build good character by doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.

Round two

The only thing I can figure out why ny old "BFF" is mad at me AGAIN is that I kept a secret from her to "protect" her, as did two other friends of ours. When the secret came out I was the bad guy.. I wasn't told why she is mad at me this time. So im left to figure it out on my own and that's all I can come up with.

Last week she was mad at me because on Monday I turned down a makeup job she asked me to do and on Tuesday the day my Doctor suggested I go back into the hospital I didn't want to talk with her about it. Either reason in my mind are very selfish reasons to be MAD at someone else. I can understand frustrated and I can understand fed up, but do those things really constitute her then ignoring me and telling me she has nothing to say to me when I ask her why she isn't replying to me? Because I didn't live up to her expectations I am the bad guy? (see last blog post if you are confused)

Because of my depression and being "down" I didn't quite have it in me to do a makeup job, plus I no longer have my own makeup kit, it was stolen a few years ago. I sometimes use a friends makeup kit when I do someones drag makeup but the tools and makeup are not of the "caliber" i need to do makeup for a commercial. You need a certain type of foundation, proper colors, etc etc. Is the commercial video or film because its different for each of those too. A drag queens (a non PRO drag queen) makeup kit would hardly fill the bill for this job. Secondly its not really easy being creative when you are depressed either. I actually found this article on dealing with depression as an artist. Read it here The makeup job was originally scheduled for Friday and I was actually feeling fine on Friday, but there was no way for me to know that. But as I said, without the proper tools the job may not have come out too well. Is that a price your willing to pay for a client?

Yesterday I was having a great time with my friend John. we met up with "C" after she went to the Hole with another friend. Things were going great, but I guess this is where I stop writing about what happened. As I said in my Facebook status last night, I'm not afraid of looking foolish to people because I am going to keep someone elses "secrets" to myself. I don't feel like I have to tell you everything about "C" or what happened yesterday so that you will have the full story just so I am justified. I am very comfortable with my position in this situation. ESPECIALLY based on the "last" reason she was mad at me, and what she said to me after John dropped us off. I can only assume that this one was just as selfish. When I wrote my blog yesterday saying our friendship was over and I have no regrets I should have listened to myself, I should have left it at that.

Sadly most of us put expectations on our friends, we expect them to be sensitive to our feelings, our ups and downs, our mistakes, etc etc. When they don't meet our expectations do we get angry at them? Do we stop talking to them? Ignore them when we see them out? Or do we tell them why we are upset? I guess it would depend on the "severity" of the issue. If my depression is so severe that my friends get "mad" at me well then Ill take the blame. Its just easier that way

Cleaning house with no regrets/always go with your gut instinsts

I dont know if its a certain age you reach or just a certain point in life, where you just make an unconscious decision to no longer deal with other peoples drama and bullshit.

In the past couple of months I have made choices to no longer deal with people after they have exhibited behavior thats either dramatic or irrational, or just simply straight up lying. I instantly wipe them away and I have no regrets about it at all.
Ive recently done this with 2 friends of mine, and I truly have not second guessed my decision or regretted it one bit.

Today I came to the realization that my best friend and I would no longer be best friends. Im not going to write about all of our issues here, because to be quite honest I dont really know what happened she just suddenly stopped communicating with me, at first it hurt my feelings but after she didnt reply to 2 text messages 2 days in a row and ignored me when she walked into Baja Bettys, I finally sent her an email, that said "you wanna tell me why you arent replying to me?" well she replied to the mail and her response was I have nothing to say to you. .. Well thats all I needed to hear.. Dont need the drama thanks. Like I said Im not gonna go on about it here. I dont need to get it all off my chest, I am surprisingly feeling OK about this, I mean I would be lying if I said it didnt bother me a little bit, after all I am up at 3:45 writing a blog post about it. But i think my current anxiety was caused by her blocking me from reading her wall on Facebook last night, So just to make it easier on her I removed her as a friend, but sent her an email telling her why.

Its going to be weird not having a "best friend" anymore but I also feel like there is this huge weight lifted off of me. Its hard to explain with out saying too much about how our relationship was. But i feel a small sense of relief and freedom.

I do know that I have SO many friends that I enjoy spending time with that I have probably neglected because I was always with my "Best Girl" Just this afternoon I hung out with two friends, one of which I have known longer than my old BFF and another friend Ive known almost as long and I thought WOW I've really been missing out on interacting with other people I enjoy, people that dont need constant attention or reassuring that they look good, or crying because some girl looked at them wrong, or any other issues that come up with straight girls... sorry to all my straight girl friends but its true, y'all can be a lot of work.

Yesterday morning my friend Jeffrey reminded me that I need to worry more about me instead of other people, he and I both agree that its a sad way to be and against both of our nature to not worry about other people.. But with all that I have been through in the past 6 months it really is the best way for me to handle things.
TAKE CARE OF #1

Well I guess thats all for now. Gonna see if I can sleep a couple hours before my 7AM client shows up

A test

A TEST This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida , Miami to be specific.. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:... Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.. you suddenly realize who they are.

It's Sarah Palin and George W Bush!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever.

You have two options:
You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most dangerous people

NOW,
Here's the question; and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

A quickie - update

Sorry I havent been sharing with you too much lately. Things have been going pretty good and Ive also been busy writing more articles for GLTNewsNow.com so Ive been ignoring my blog a bit.

I just read on Facebook that a friend, James was inspired by my blog to start writing his own. Im glad I can inspire anyone to do anything, but this was particularly impressive to me because James is SUPER intelligent and what he has written about is really intellectually and emotionally stimulating.. YAY ME! *Patting myself on the back for inspiring greatness* TOOT TOOT TOOT MY OWN HORN!!!

Theres something else i am very proud of.. Last week at Urban Mo's I ran into the last guy I dated, as you may remember theres been lots of drama there for one reason or another. But thats all in the past now because when I saw him I just gave him a hug and chatted about pink boas and pink beads and blah blah blah and that was it.. Well I ran into him again a few minutes later and not even sure if we talked or not but it was all completely effortless. it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. Im really proud of how far I have come, it hasnt been an easy road and there have been bumps and turns along the way. But Im happy to say thats all behind us now, and I know it has to be a huge relief for him as well. YAY ME!

In my last blog I wrote about a new friend, John. Well Im happy to say John and I have been hangin out a lot lately. Ive introduced him to my other friends and he and Cheri get along great. John is really good to me and he "takes care of me" Im tryin to introduce him to different things around town to do, like Game night at The LGBT Center, I''m taking him to a house party next Friday, etc etc. We have meaningful talks about life, boys, family, and more. We also get really silly and dance and prance around Urban Mo's, Baja Betty's and whereever else they will put up with us. Just one word of advice.. Dont play Trivial Pursuit with him cuz he yells out the answer no matter whose turn it is.

Speaking of prancing around Urban Mo's, for a couple different Sundays Ive hung out a little bit with some of the Armada Rugby boys. They are a BLAST.. Sadly I had a preconceived idea about these guys based on some bad experiences with one of the players, The guys Ive been hanging out with dont really hang out with him though so its all good.. So now Im a Rugby Player groupie!! Their season is over now but I cant wait for it to start up again!


Im still working on all that "government aid" stuff, the State of California just sent me a big ol stack of paperwork I gotta fill out this week.. So this week that is my goal.. Git er dun!

Oh what a weekend!

After being at my Moms most of the week I was certainly ready to get out of the house so Friday afternoon Cheri, Sister Iona and I headed to St Patrick's Church for Stations of the Cross service (Im not Catholic, I just went along for the ride) THEN the fun part we headed over to Baja Bettys for one drink, well as usual that turned into a few drinks, and a few more friends joining us. I guess some of us got bored there because next thing I knew we were heading to Pecs. Oh I think I forgot to mention I was wearing my rabbit ears the whole time..well except for church, anyway there was a table of guys at Pecs that kept hootin and hollerin at me to come over and there was one cute guy so I obliged.. anyway we soon left Pecs and got some pizza, it was good but it was too bad I drank too much that I threw it all up..

Oh well, at least I wasnt hungover on Saturday. The day started out innocent enough Cheri and I picked up Nicole for Breakfast at Urban Mo's we ran into a few "old school" people we knew like Gene Burkhart (founder of International male) Chris Shaw (owner of Mo's, Bettys, and Gossip Grill) then we walked around Hillcrest for awhile for some shopping for Easter stuff and Cheri's costume for Lets Make a Deal, Nicole got tired so we dropped her off and continued on with our shopping. As usual i was on the phone checkin out Facebook and I saw David Cope the HOT bartender at Urban Mos was working so I talked Cheri into ONE drink at Mo's.. That was about 4pm..We were doin fine until the first shot, then Chris the owner came by and bought us a round of drinks.. Well as Cheri said we should have known our evening was goin down hill when I was taking pictures with Armada Rugby players bare butts at the bar.. SORRY DORA!! Cheri decided it was time to go. BUT my Twitter friend John showed up and weve been tryin to hang out forever.. So who was I to turn down the 5-10 drinks he offered to buy me, after all I had made plans to meet up with another Twitter friend Jasun later that night at Mos so what a perfect opportunity for me to hang out with John AND Jasun. DAMN this is a long story.. John is a SUPER sweet guy, cute and sexy as hell.. If I were 10 years younger and 20 pounds thinner I would be ALL OVER THAT!! But seriously hes a really nice guy, very caring and concerned when Im feeling down and that boy can DRINK all day and night and go to work the next day no problem.. man hes like my hero!

Jasun had a group of friends he was hangin out with so he was back and forth between them and John and I.. Sadly my phone battery died so i had to keep using Jasun's phone to "converse" with him (Jasun is Deaf) I have to admit Ive always had a little crush on Jasun and he is a lot cuter in person than in his pictures online.. Woof!! or actually i should say MEOW (inside joke) Mos was bumpin that night and some more friends were there.. Kelly, Jarrod and Daddy John!! I havent seen Daddy John for awhile so that was nice. Chris C and his new man another FB friend Rick G. were there too!! After lots more drinks and lots of pictures Jasun wanted to go to Fiesta Cantina, well there was a line there so we just decided to call it a night.. It was about 12AM (yes i did say I started at 4pm) I had to get up early for Lets Make a Deal anyway. Jasun and I decided to walk for a little bit before we went home. he was staying right by The Center so it wasnt too far of a walk and I was cabbing it. BUT ooops on the walk I got a little sick.. oh man, i dont think Jasun saw me pukin in the bushes.. I sure hope not.

Sunday morning came quick.. We had to be on the road for Lets Make a Deal by 9am I still hadnt gotten my costume out and ready.. I wasnt sleeping very well because kitten snores loud.. I got up showered etc. right before it was time to go I had to run to the bathroom because I was gonna be sick. Well needless to say Cheri had to pull over a few times on our way to LA so I could puke.. OMG how was I gonna get through this day? Well we got to LA pretty quick just to wait around in line for a few hours.. I had a great costume, and when we finally got in the studio they sat us down in a PRIME location to get picked.. Well about ONE MINUTE before the show started they moved us more towards the back.. Well wouldnt ya fuckin know it the guy that they moved to my seat was one of the first to get picked and was the BIG winner of the day.. I swear if I didnt have bad luck I would have no luck at all. Im never gonna waste my time going to another game show taping again.. I think the only show I would waste my time with is Ellen, but thats nearly impossible to get tickets for.
Oh yeah the earthquake, Ive lived in So Cal my entire life, ive felt many earthquakes so no big deal to me.. I didnt even feel this one but you could see all the lights and signs in the studio movin back and forth for a few minutes. I thought Heidi was gonna pass out.. Well we got out of there and got somethin to eat, the first thing I had eaten all day was potato cheese soup. Well we got home a few minutes after 9PM so that was a 12 hour day, we did have some fun, but like I said Ill never do it again.. what a waste of time. I watched Celebrity Apprentice then went to bed. I guess we were havin aftershocks still cuz the cat wouldnt leave my side all night.. He was a little freaked out. Well I guess thats it.. Theres a lot of GOOD stuff I left out here but some things I just gotta keep to myself.
BUT heres the BIG SMILE that someone put on my face... :-D

Ahhh what a fun weekend!!

Anxiously dreaming

I had a weird dream last night. It was gay pride, and I was there all alone. I kept running into friends and ex's that are now dating other people, it seemed like I was the only person at Pride all by myself. Kirk was in my dream and he was now dating someone that I used to like so that made me upset. Cory was in the dream but I never saw the guy he was dating in my dream. I was so upset I ran to my friend Steve C. to discuss it. In my dream Steve was letting me work for him in his nursery, in real life he owns a postal shipping place... Dreams can be so weird. I just remember being so upset and having a major anxiety attack in my dream. Steve of course calmed me and helped me through it AGAIN.

I woke up feeling anxious and didnt want to leave my Moms house, I really think Im still trying to find the right balance of medication. I had a couple cups of coffee and just barreled through the anxiety this morning before it got very bad.

Thats all for now

Mr Van de Mark

I met Brian many years ago, in an undisclosed location :-)
Hes given me advice, interviewed me for articles he wrote for the GLT, helped me through a difficult day or two, he was always direct and at times brutally honest, he would tell me these long drawn out stories about his mother, but it always seemed to come back to the situation I was going through. Brian was battling cancer and I am so happy he is no longer in pain. I will miss him greatly.





Death has surrounded me the past couple of months. Its one thing that saddens me beyond measure.

What happened to the passion?

I used to be passionate about stuff. Now I dont even care.

I used to be passionate about causes, I used to have a passion for my work, Ive been passionate about people at times. Now I dont care much about anything, Ill go days without getting off the couch, showering, or at times even brushing my teeth.

Sometimes I take the worlds problems on as my own, I start to get in this thought process that I hate the direction the country or the world is going and it really starts to get me down. It can be triggered by something as small as people not using a turn signal to something as big as a national election. So rather than get myself goin on a downward spiral of hating stuff, i chose to just not think about it. But that brings me to the place I am now.. Not feeling anything at all. Or maybe its all these pills the Dr has me on right now. Whatever it is its not working.. This entire week Ive been down in the dumps, not wanting to leave my couch and do anything..

I dont know what the point of this blog post was, I know everyone on Facebook is tired of hearing me bitch, last night some asshole called me a messy drama queen.. Ive never even met this guy, he lives in Columbus, Ohio.. He has no idea of my history or what I have been through. I promptly removed him as a friend after his little "tirade" on my status update, telling me how him and the rest of my friends were sick of hearing me go on and on. Ive taken a break from Twitter.. Ive posted a couple of things there but no one responds so I feel like Ive worn out my welcome there.

Its seems that the stuff I want a response to on Facebook gets nothing and the dumb "innocent" things i post causes a flurry of debate. Im thinkin i should maybe take a break from Facebook too? But then what would I do all day? My Psychiatrist thinks im looking to Facebook and Twitter for too much validation. Hes probably right, if it werent were Facebook I wouldnt even feel relevant at times

Right now Im supposed to be getting ready to go to my mothers house but I dont feel like going anywhere..

Will I ever get out of here?

I have a few good days and a few more bad days, at times I wonder if I will ever be completely out from under this dark cloud. Im not living the life I want to live, I dont know that I will ever be completely happy again. Im miserable, Im fat, Im lonely and Im not doing anything to get better, I just have set back after set back.. If it weren't for my cat I probably wouldn't smile some days. I was going on walks with my friend Jeffrey but Im tired of those walks. The only thing they do is help take up some time during the day.. Id rather lay on the couch then walk around the park.

I know that sometimes just sitting here with my thoughts are not good, they do start to go to dark places, but thats when I just go to sleep. Ive been trying to get to my Moms house for a week now, at first it was my anxiety that kept me from going, now I just dont have the energy or motivation to drive up there. Theres not a whole to do there either so Id just be doing the same thing there Im doing here..

Well see what tomorrow brings, maybe Ill get the motivation to go there for the weekend.

What else can I do

Im so tired of doing everything Im supposed to be doing and getting nowhere

I dont like my new therapist.. after 3 months of working with my last one I felt like I was finally getting somewhere before he died. This one I just dont think Ill bother going back to. i finally am warming up to my Psychiatrist, he actually took an interest in what Im telling him, he thinks Im looking to the wrong places for validation like Twitter and Facebook. He suggested I give one or both of them up for a while and see how it effects me. SO i decided to give up Twitter. its been a little over 24 hours now I do miss it a lot. I dont know how long I will be able to stay away from Twitter, Ive actually built some relationships there that have extended into real life.

A couple of weeks ago when I went to the Medi Cal office I was given a check list of all the things I needed to supply them by March 20th.. ALL of which completed, then today I get a letter in the mail with an additional list of items I need to supply by April 2nd. This list includes letters from my Doctors ALL of which I have seen already this month so now I have to make more appointments to see them and have these forms filled out.. This shit isnt easy..

Im also really feeling lonely again.. Most people just dont understand. I have TONS of friends and people to keep me busy but my body actually aches at times to be close to someone. As I type these words Im in tears. Im a cuddler and someone that requires the human touch. I feel bad for the first guy I start to date because im sure the first time we cuddle Ill start to cry from happiness.

Im feeling so down again this week.. I dont wanna do anything.. I just wanna lay here and watch TV.

Another bad day

So yesterday I thought that someone I "know" was secretly writing a blog that I consider to be hurtful and harmful to others. Read the story here.

Well I asked this person directly if it was him, I also sent an email to Cory letting him know of my thought on it being this person. Cory has been included in this persons blog, anyway Cory doesnt think it is him and the person I thought it was also convinced me it wasnt it. Diante also sent me a message saying that I was wrong. I was so convinced it was this person that I was in tears yesterday over it.

Cory sent me a couple nice emails yesterday and that should have made me feel better but I still had this dark cloud over me. I went on a walk with my friend Jeffrey but I was miserable the entire time. I got home and took a nap and then saw a client. Making a few bucks usually makes me feel better, but this time it didnt.

My day sorta got worse while I was on Facebook yesterday I saw that my BFF and Cory were new friends, they had been Facebook friends when we were dating and during the fallout Cory removed her..I understand that, thats natural.
Cory told me yesterday he knows that someday we will be friends again, but hes been giving me space to work on me. I follow his blog and we have many mutual friends in common so I know enough of what he is up to (hes been dating someone) that doesnt bother me at all, (although I wish I was dating someone life is so tough going through all of this with out some hugs and cuddling.) But last night the BFF told me what she and Cory had briefly chatted about, it was all pretty general until the part when he told her that he spent Sunday on the couch with his boyfriend. OK I already knew that he had a boyfriend but why did he tell her??? AWKWARD!!! She said she felt a little uncomfortable, and I can understand why.. This is MY best friend!!! One moment he tells me hes giving me space the next hes sending a friend request to MY best friend tellin her whats goin on in his life. Part of me is a little jealous that he and I aren't to that point yet. But Im just not ready.. Now Cheri is upset because she thinks SHE did something wrong by accepting the friend request and chatting with him, but in all honesty I feel Cory slightly crossed the line there. He put her in an awkward position and now people are feeling bad because of a few words he said. I dont feel he did anything to intentionally hurt me but I AM hurting a little bit over this. Now I feel like the progress that was made yesterday from his emails have been canceled out.

Thank God I have therapy and I see my Dr today because right now I feel like crawling back into bed and staying there the rest of the week.

Diante's Inferno ?

This is probably the least eloquent blog post I have ever written, its all over the place and wont make sense to most of you.

Ive been following someones blog lately after seeing him comment on the blog of someone I used to date, and on my blog as well. When I first read his blog I was a little freaked out because he speaks of getting even and how he is so angry... He hasnt "gone after" me in his blog. The comments he has made on my blog were in support of me but still freaked me out a bit.

After reading his blog some of the things he was saying seemed VERY familiar, so familiar that I believed they were things that I had once said myself about one person in particular. Well heres a link to his blog, Diante it wont make sense to many of you and Im not going to point out the things I am talking about, because I dont want to give any validation to these statements he is making.

Now here is this point of this blog post.. After reading his blog today I think I have figured out who Diante is. I used to have a big crush on this guy. He was very supportive of me when I was going through a rough patch. We only talked on the phone once, most of our interaction was on Facebook. There so much in his blog that doesnt make sense, like the prescription drug use and the heavy drinking, but when I think about it it could make sense because this person is a pharmaceutical company sales rep and I dont really know him at all.

Once i thought I figured it out, I went back and re-read his blog and I see so many similarities in what he has said directly to me in the past and words and phrases he uses in his blog.

I really want to be wrong about this for many reasons. First and foremost I dont want to think that he is in this much pain, I dont want to think that all the support he gave me was fake or out of spite of someone else, and I dont want to believe he would be so vindictive.

Im a little torn up about this right now.. He just posted something on my FB wall the other day asking me how I was doing..

Diante..Please tell me I am wrong about this..

The luck of the Irish?

Well I aint Irish, but my luck seems to be changing..

Yesterday I found out I do qualify for some of the Government aid I applied for last week. This morning I put a pic of my Craftsman tool chest on Facebook, and it was sold within minutes.. I really hated to part with it, I LOVED it so much and I sold it pretty darn cheap but I really needed the money.



I havent really done anything differently the past few days, my attitude has been a little better simply based on some good stuff happening. A date this past Sunday, cute guys flirting and giving me their number at Urban Mo's and at the Hole, not that I base my happiness on other guys but come on ya know you feel good when hotties flirt with you. The help from Uncle Sam, and selling the tool chest, I hope I can keep this "roll" going.. Right now Im off to some Drs appointments that should help me with these Government "benefits" and tomorrow I have to complete an orientation for my help from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Friday or Saturday Ill get a haircut and maybe some new shoes for all the walking Im doing and maybe a couple T-shirts. Ill feel like a new person!! I guess my theme song of this week comes from Patti La Belle!!



Wish me luck for the rest of my week to go as well as it has so far!!

This and that

Yesterday was all in all a pretty good day, I went for a long walk in Balboa Park with my friend Jeffrey, we went to many areas of the park I never knew existed. I really do live in a beautiful city that I dont appreciate enough.

As usual Jeffrey and I chat about all sorts of stuff, but the first topic of conversation was of course Sunday night and how I reacted to Cory talking to me. If ya dont know what I am talking about read my blog from Sunday night HERE As I said, maybe Im not 100% ready to be "friends" yet OR maybe it just totally caught me off guard, I mean we havent talked in a long time and there has been some bitterness there so the fact that out of the blue he talks to me may have just been too "weird" for me. Time will tell, theres no time limitation or deadline on us being nice to each other, and it had to start somewhere. The balls in my court and next time I See him well see how it goes.

I dont know if its allergies from being in the park yesterday or if Im really just sick, but my nose is all stuffed up and running at the same time, my throat was sore this AM and I have a bit of congestion when I cough. Its terrible timing because today I am supposed to meet my new therapist, one of my Facebook friends said its probably just in my head because starting all over with a new therapist is NOT my idea of fun. I was just starting to make progress with the last one. Things have been so difficult for me since October, theres days that I wonder if I made the right choice by closing my salon and theres days I wish i would have made it over the other side of that bridge fence. Nothing is clear to me should I turn right or left? Leave the house or stay in for a couple of days. Was I always like this and just didnt see it because I was always so busy? Now that Im idle am I dwelling on everything? See there I go again.. No clear answers.

I was telling Jeffrey yesterday that I read the blog of someone that does this 5 for and 5 against thing. He does it a lot with movies where he will say 5 things negative about it and 5 positive. Im gonna try and start doing that with situations or experiences. I easily find the 5 bad things they just come to me naturally these days, I need to TRY and find the positive things. I wish they came to me first but they dont. I hate that about myself and I dont know where it comes from. Oh well

So I read these words on Cory's blog recently, normally when he quotes dead people I just roll my eyes. But these words really caught my attention. WOW I think Im making progress.. I dont want to say what I mean by that, some of you may understand..

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. - Helen Keller

Right now sailing to an uncharted land, seems too big for me, Id be happy just being able to get through a day without having a panic attack.

Havent met you yet

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
And in love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh!

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

My weekend/ Sunday (mostly) Funday

well fuck.... I should be writing about the entire weekend but Im goin directly to Sunday. It started out as a great day, I had a "date" with this cute guy I originally met back in July. weve seen each other one other time since then in January. Friday he called me and asked me if I wanted to go to church with him on Sunday. I was eager to see him again, but mostly eager to spend some time with someone other than just a "friend" Church was great, we went to Mission Gathering Christian Church in North Park. He had to work right after church so we didnt get to spend a whole lot of time together. After church I took my good friend Sister Iona Dubble-Wyde to Babycakes for his Birthday, after that we met a few friends at Baja Bettys for a drink.. Well that turned into Cheri meeting us and going to Urban Mos then the Hole... I guess Im fast forwarding through all the fun stuff that happened just to get to the part that upset me.. Here it is

I was havin a great time at the Hole despite the shirt I was wearing.. Guys were flirting with me, and this incredibly hot man that I met 10-12 years ago was talking and flirting with me and gave me his number again.. I guess everything went downhill when I started walking towards my friends and saw Cory standing and talking with them.. there was no anger or hurt there, just a little frustration because he and I arent on speaking terms. One of our last communications with each other he had said I didnt give him the space or distance he needed, so I obviously wasnt going to go interrupt the interaction he was having with my friends I came there with. So I kind of stepped back and stood off to the side, Thats when 2 of my friends started motioning for me to come over to them.. I resisted and they came over to me.. Blah Blah Blah.. Jeffrey told he He needed to tell me about a good conversation he had with Cory the night before.. FUCK I was stating to have an anxiety attack.. Cory walked over to some other friends and I proceeded to fall apart. I saw a friend across the bar that I wanted to say Hi to... BUT i didnt see that Cory was standing right behind him. OOOPS. Cory saw me and said something ??? I think he said Hi and asked how I was doing.. I said something to him.. I hope I was polite, I meant to be, Jesus Christ.. I didnt realize that I still had feelings for him til right then.. I fell apart after that.. We left shortly after that because I couldnt hold back the tears. This is the first time Im admitting this to anyone including myself. I guess Ive lashed out at him in the past because I was so hurt.. My past blog posts about his roommate have NOTHING to do with him... He and his roommate are two separate people and I dont hold Jakes actions against Cory in any way..I never have. Im a little embarrassed by admitting all of this, but I always am 100% honest in my feelings and thoughts in my blog. Im probably pushing Cory away a bit by saying all of this, but maybe I guess thats what I need right now. I thought I was ready to be friendly with him.. BUT maybe Im not.. FUCK more setbacks.. Every time I think Im taking a step forward im really taking 2 steps back.

When I post my status messages and tweets about how Im doing I really dont notice how sad or "down" I am....until I see people out and they are so concerned with how I am doing.. It feels nice that people are concerned but I hate that people feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me. I hope people treat me kindly because they like me, NOT because they feel sorry for me.