Thursday, December 31, 2009

...and a HAPPY new year

I dont know bout y'all, but Im ready for this!! 2009 was the worst year of my life.
Im not gonna sit here and dwell on everything or try to justify why I felt the way I did. If you follow my blog, you know why it was the worst year.. OK just in case you dont know. I owned my own skin care salon for 8 years called Skin Deep, well business was bad since the end of 2008 and finally at the end of 2009 I had to close, it was pretty devastating to me, also at the same exact time the only relationship Ive had in 4 years was falling apart. He and I were two completely different people, today i find out he realizes hes been bitter and jaded for the last 2 years.... We were doomed from the beginning, but I was so happy to finally be dating someone I didnt see the warning signs. Now I realize he never was the one for me.

I dont believe in resolutions because it seems that the exact opposite of what we want to happen actually happens. With that said I do have at least one behavior I would like to change.. Expectations, I have such high expectations for people, situations, places, everything. I am a perfectionist and its hard for me to understand why everyone doesn't work as hard as I do at making something "right" as many of you know that usually only leads to disappointment. Im tired of always being disappointed in people and things.. SO I no longer will have expectations of people, places or things. Im gonna be one of those go with the flow type of guys.

One of my wishes for the new year is already coming true.. If you saw my last post you'll be happy to know I was offered a (non paying) job doing makeup for a fashion segment on KUSI this Saturday.. ASK and ye shall receive. YEE HAW BITCHES

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

One of the living

Well I think I'm finally back to "normal" and ready to start participating in life again. Yesterday I was watching TV and saw some BAD makeup jobs on people that were on the View.. I thought to myself how in the hell is a makeup artist getting paid to to this? I am a VERY talented makeup artist, I have worked on TV shows, print media, music videos, celebrity clientele, etc. After seeing these sub par makeup jobs I think I'm going to pursue my true passion again. YEP I still have it in me, its the reason I got into the beauty industry, i just got sidetracked by tryin to make a living then thinking I wanted to own my own business for 8 years. Sadly all of my makeup and brushes were stolen by some some drag queen in San Diego that has since moved to another state, so ill be starting from scratch. Ill probably have to get a job doing something I don't love for a while until I get myself established.

It was great to get that feeling yesterday, to feel that I can still be passionate about something that I love. It gives me hope that I will have passion for other things, or even someday that special someone. For now I'm content with where I am at.. One of the living

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

All cried out

Is it just me or does she sound like Rosie Perez?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas 09

So I got out of the hospital on the 23rd... I was in there for 4 days/5 nights if I say it like that it sounds more like a vacation. I was really hoping the Dr. would change my medication, which they did.. TWICE, only to change it right back to what it was when I went in, so essentially I should be right back where I started. Somehow I do feel better though. Its hard to explain but when Im in the hospital there is no wrong or right, there are no bad choices to be made. And the food honestly isnt that bad. I didnt get too many calls and no visitors while I was there, the phone number I posted was no good and the stupid security guy must have accidentally turned my phone back on cuz the battery was dead the first day I was in. The person I mentioned before that I really wanted to hear from never called or wrote and ignored my text messages too before I went in the hospital. When I got out there was an email from him that said something like "You'll be fine" or something short and not so sweet like that. Cold & Insensitive.. when will I ever learn this??

I woke up the morning of the 24th with a cold. I was REALLY Bummed because I was supposed to go to a great party at my friend Steve's house. The worse thing is I woke up on Christmas morning feeling great!! It would have been fine to be sick Christmas day because I really didnt have too much to do. I didnt go to Moms house because we were having Christmas at my brothers girlfriends house with her family that I doint even know, SO... I woke up early and went to the store, made breakfast, then baked some cupcakes all before 11AM. I watched a couple movies, played with the cat. I feel bad I didnt get the cat anything for Christmas but he didnt get me anything either so whatever.

I finished up the day by going to a party at my friend Josephs house, it was a small gathering with maybe 12 people there, I got to meet some new people and see another friend I havent seen in a long long time.. This CRAZY Tranny named Denise.. God I love her. Shes lookin like a man but feelin ALL woman. Ya gotta love someone that has that kind of confidence. She was crackin me up last night. "Honey if I dont tell myself Im beautiful who will?" "I want people to see me through MY EYES"

Im gonna bake a rum cake to take to another party tonight, My friends Joe & James.. heres a pic of them from the party. Blue Light specials.. the both of them

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Hard decision

Well I made a decision yesterday to go back to the hospital. There wasnt one thing that triggered it this time, it was a week filled with ups and downs (mostly down), the realization that my medication isnt working, and a revelation of what I think my depression stems from. (see the cliff note version here)---> ALONE I have been seeing a therapist and unfortunately I dont think they are able to give me the care I need in a timely manner. The medication I have been on since October 22nd has not worked yet.

I dont know why, but there is one person I was hoping to hear from that hasnt contacted me yet. I have sent emails, text messages, asked mutual friends to ask him to call me, etc. Im not looking for him to fix something, just a little encouragement to give me the boost that I need to do this. Last time I went to the hospital he thought that it would be best to cut of all communication with me because i needed to fix myself, and there was nothing he could do to help me. WELL I understand where hes coming from but does he understand where Im coming from? Im thinking that last idea didnt work very well and it maybe time to try something else.
I know hes got some major problems right now too, but all im asking is for a few words and best case scenario a hug before I go to the hospital. I dont expect anyone to fix me but me, but with out the support and encouragement from those close to you cant begin the journey to fix yourself.

If you know him please encourage him to contact me.. Its probably not gonna be able to happen today before I go to hospital, so he will be off the hook on the hug part.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Expectations of being alone

I put myself in situations that I know wont turn out well.. I dont intend to do it but I so often end up in this "bad space" Tonight I met up with this guy for a drink at Pecs, hes really cute and grounded and sweet.....and dating someone. The problem is I knew that ahead of time but... But.. I dont know is it normal to still meet up with someone you know you are attracted to thats not available? What was I expecting? I go out sometimes with the expectation that Ill flirt with someone or have a great conversation with someone, make a connection, get a phone number. Even if one of these things could happen, Id be content! But realistically how often does that happen?

I have a fear of being alone I think. I dont mean from moment to moment, I have lots of friends that I could spend 18+ hours a day with. I mean for eternity. I have a fear that I will die alone..and even worse die lonely. Do you know the difference?

Im learning to take myself out of a situation before I get REALLY down.. if im out with friends or whatever and I havent met someone or even flirted with someone Ill feel myself start to "sink" and rather than bring everyone around me down with me, Ill leave and go home. That also helps eliminate the possibility of things getting worse but it also eliminates the possibility of something good happening. So i leave depressed and lonely and I dont know how to change this behavior. I few weeks ago I wanted to "leave early" so I would quit feeling the pain of being alone.. I still worry about sinking that low again.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa Obama

Do I have equal rights in this country yet? No I dont but at least I dont live in a place where I have to fear my government will execute me because of who I love, sure there are people in this country that would like to see gay people dead but its not law.. Im not gonna get on a soapbox right now, its the same conversation weve been having for 40 years. Can we just all get together and PLEASE get this done.. Im tired of feeling like less of a human being, less of a citizen of the good ol USA than my neighbor, my brother, or my best friend. Thats Really all I want for Christmas..

This song doesnt have a whole lot to do with equal rights, but the message is really the root of all the negative and evil issues in the world today.

Now I've been crying lately,
thinking about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating,
why can't we live in bliss

Cause out on the edge of darkness,
there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country,
come take me home again

Toys for Tots

Last night a group of friends and I went to Dave & Busters for an evening of food, fun and sharing. If you arent familiar with Dave & Busters its sort of like an adult Chuck E. Cheese. They have decent food, a bar and LOTS of various video games, interactive shoot em up and driving games, and good ol fashioned skee ball!! They also have those "grabber" hook games, Ya know the kind that tries to grab a stuffed animal, or in this case a NY Yankees "bling" pendant for Steve Calenzo. OY!

Daniel Crews came up with this great idea 4 years ago. Get a bunch of friends together grab a bite to eat at Dave & Busters before heading into the "fun zone" to win win win! All in the desire to give to Toys for Tots. There are a few different "package deals" where you get dinner and a set dollar amount of "game play". I went for the $23.99 package which included a blackened chicken pasta and $20.00 worth of games. Some of the games issue tickets when you win that can be exchanged for merchandise in their "gift shop"

With 7 grown men let loose for a couple of hours to act like children we were able to accumulate enough tickets to "purchase" 43 toys and stuffed animals to donate to Toys for Tots. Can you think of an easier way to give this Christmas? For around 25 bucks I was able to spend a couple hours eating, catching up, checking out cute straight men, and having a BLAST with some friends old and new. The best part of the evening was I got to do all of this AND help a child have a Happy Christmas!
So what are you waiting for? Get to Dave & Busters there is still time to give to Toys for Tots!

Toys for Tots @ Dave & Busters
In this photo: Bo Andras, Steve Calenzo, Jon Strmiska, James Mann, Daniel Crews, Kurt Cunningham, Jim Butler

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

With friends like that...

I guess because I was so tired from not sleeping last night I was pretty emotional this morning. I sorta lost it on Twitter. Not AT someone, well unless you count me as someone. I was blaming myself for stuff, questioning my feelings, wondering if it was possible to hate someone and love someone at the same time. It was a short rant but it may have upset some people. I dont mind so much anymore when people "un" friend me on Twitter, Ive done it for various reasons myself sometimes I even follow those people again. But its another thing to block someone on Twitter, that means they dont want you to follow them at all, they dont want you to see their tweets and they dont want to see yours.

Yet another friend of the ex did just that to me today. Oddly enough I thought he and I were friends. He had been very supportive to me in the past while still respecting his other friend (the ex) As recently as this morning he sent me a tweet to check on me. Now Im totally speculating here but I assume he blocked me because of my rant. He made one comment to me about it, not all that negative or harsh. I forgot about it until I wanted to send him a tweet and saw I was blocked.

Thinking back to the last 6 months that I have known him or of him he has done the same or similar thing to 6 people that I personally know (including me) Somehow he pulls people in and out of his life. One day he will cut ya off and the next hes flirting with you again.. I dont get why people allow that. Decide who you are gonna be and stick to it. He would the first one to call you out on your attitude, but try to mention his to him... well lets just say I only made that mistake once.

Im slowly but surely having my feelings about these "people" justified, Im a pretty good judge of character and everything I said or felt about these people is slowly but surely coming to light. I was always told I was too critical or wrong about my thoughts on these people but the proof is in the pudding. And I hate to admit it but it feels good to see all this coming to light. I feel vindicated

My friends to my knowledge have not caused "anyone" any problems or grief. None of my friends have told me they wanted to put the heel of their(military) boot through someones nose. None of my friends let alone 2 (or more) were going back and forth sharing conversations. None of my friends called anyone names or wished them to overdose in an alley. But these are all things AND MORE that I have had to deal with.. Im not saying my friends may not have had these thoughts..but to my knowledge they have been respectful and stayed out of it..

If I didnt have all this bullshit to deal with maybe just maybe Id be over it by now.. God knows im sick and tired of dealing with this still.. It really makes me appreciate my friends even more.

I expect there will be comments made on this blog.. Lets see how many have the balls to put a name behind their words. I had 2 comments on previous blogs abouy one of these "people" unfortunately they used someones last name so I had to delete it out of respect. They were good comments, supporting what I felt. I was disappointed no one got to see them.


Well as you may have guessed I have not been able to sleep at all tonight.

Ive spent the time reading some of my friends blogs, Im new to this blogging thing but im worried that Im going to get bored with it really fast. While reading the blogs of people I know I would go back a year or so or to January 08 and read forward.

Its almost like you could just recycle last years blogs. Its all the same stuff repeated, Meet a guy online, date a guy, hang out with friends, cut back on drinking, break up with the guy, get sick, think too much, bitch about stuff, try to loose the same 20 pounds they talked about losing the year before.

I know for me next year will NOT be a repeat from last year. I plan on learning for my mistakes and applying the lessons to maybe try something new. I guess im glad I started blogging so I can use it as a manual.. of what NOT to do in 2010

Too much on my mind

Wow, I havent blogged in awhile so I have so much to say.. I hope I dont bore you. Its amazing how great I have been feeling lately, (for the most part) I have my ups and downs but Ive been separating myself from the negative people in my life. Ive been seeing 2 therapists and trying to put myself in positive situations.

Tonight a Twitter friend told me he was considering hurting himself.. Well that touched too close to home so I asked him if I could call him.. I did and we talked for quite awhile hes got some issues goin on that arent too different from a lot of people in the country right now, the difference is he doesnt have a lot of resources available to him because of where he lives. I told him of my recent issues and he told me some of his problems that are forefront in his mind. I gave him some ideas that I hope will help him, told him there was someone out there (ME) that cared enough about him to call and check in on him from time to time (I wish he lived closer) Hes REALLY cute, has a great voice, and a...I better stop here. Helping someone to feel a little better is what Ive always been about, all my friends that have known me for years know I am a giving, nurturing and caring person. I felt really good for putting a smile on this boys face. Is that selfish? Im gonna keep an eye on this Boy for awhile.. Hes got such great potential, he just needs to see it in himself. Ive got my eye on you!!

Ive really worked on eliminating some of the negative people out of my life.
I had to delete a friend on Twitter and Facebook I met via the ex. He lied to me about one of my facebook friends that he had dated, yet told me he never met him?? He was also sharing too much of our conversations with the ex. as well as their conversations with me. It got to the point it was just hurting me more than anything. The personal things this person shared with me werent that easy to read either. I mean how would you like to read about someone you still had feelings for (at the time) "intimate moments" with another person? I still dont know why he did that. I guess he still has a thing for my ex and maybe he was trying to push me further away from him so he could have another shot? Who knows?

Another friend that I really liked (enough to go visit in the hospital) kept deleting my positive and encouraging comments on his FB page. Finally I said to the ex "if he doesnt like me why doesnt he delete me as a friend instead of just erasing my comments?" Well it only took 2 days after that conversation for him to delete me. Coincidence?

If ya follow my blog you may remember the one titled Get your daily dose of crazy right here. That was also about one of the ex's friends.

I dont for a minute think he encouraged them to act like this, but as he said he keeps some at an arms length so thats not exactly discouraging them either. Im done tryin to figure out his friends with two faces. The damage they have done has been far more difficult to deal with because I get no answers or conversation to figure out why they do what they do. So when I come to my own conclusions here in my blog thats not a bad thing is it?
I will play with a dog until it snaps at me and then I am done.

Ive realized through all of this I really let others words and actions effect how I feel. I know I know everyone thats reading this is slappin their hand on their forehead sayin DUH! Honestly theres still part of me that needs everyone's approval or acceptance. I dont know where that comes from. There are some people that I just will never please, and there are some people that can never be pleased with anything and then others that are just too insecure. The sooner I learn that I will NEVER please EVERYONE better off Ill be.. OK so when?

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook youve seen me me talk about a crush I have on someone. Well I recently told him of my feelings and he was accepting of it and maybe even encouraged it. (we will see what happens) We will call him "A" well A was on a business trip recently and I didnt get the usual quick replies to my emails and it really bummed me out for a day or so.. Guess what? he was just busy working. As soon as he got home (tonight) he emailed me apologizing and telling me he was also very sick. I am on cloud nine right now. Hes REALLY hot and we understand each other, been through similar situations, etc etc So once again I am letting others actions OR what I believe their actions to be affect my moods.. I was down when I didnt hear from him and now Im up because I got that email.. Thats not healthy is it?

There is this other cutie that I met at a party recently and when I posted something on his FB wall he emailed me and told me he had to delete it cuz he was dating someone and they didnt like it.. BUMMER.. well I decided to follow up with him, YEP they are still dating but hes open to making friends so thats cool. That made me very happy. Now those are normal feelings to have right?

So heres another blog with an anti climactic ending.. thats what happens when you are just sharing feelings as opposed to telling a story.. I dont do this to entertain people i do it to help get stuff off my chest and maybe someone else will read it and relate. Its happened before.. but I deleted those blog posts.

Monday, December 14, 2009

what do you deserve

we all get what we deserve. Sometimes it can be good and sometimes it can be bad, with that being said: Every single choice that we make every single day gets us what we deserve. What do you choose to deserve?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

What lead me to the hospital

Before you read this, please realize that these are my feelings and opinions based on this occasion.. Life is progressive, things and situations change. I could feel a certain way about someone in this blog but this was almost 2 weeks ago. Things have progressed and you will read about it in upcoming blogs.

On November 24th early in the morning I sent my ex an email, a very sweet and revealing email... well here it is:

I remember talking about how nice it would be when it got cold so we could really cuddle, Summer time was soo hot.

I hope u dont mind me sending you these emails.. sending them to you helps me keep it off facebook and twitter, although I did just tweet something about u.

I wish i didnt screw things up so bad, if I hadnt maybe we would soon be at a point where we could just cuddle together. If that is ever a possibility i would love it you know u are always welcome at my place.. if u ever are out and dont have a place to stay..
XXXX do you miss the good times at least? Do you miss me ever? I mean the "good" me?

Well, what he replied with had nothing to do with the email I sent him, but it was his feelings about the previous blog I wrote about his friend Jake that I wrote the day before.. He had plenty of opportunity to email me and dig into me like he did. But for some reason he chose to reply to me at a very weak and vulnerable moment.

I cant even begin to describe to you how I felt when i was reading this anger filled email from him.. I sort of blacked out. Tellin me the people around him asked who the crazy guy was after I was SCREAMING at Jake was definitely an exaggeration and very cruel of him to say. He said I approached Jake first and that is simply not true. I spoke to Jake first but Jake's attitude was thrown at me from a great distance long before I got near to them. When I spoke to Jake it was a simple Hello. The attitude grew even more. The boy is a Rugby Player in San Diego they dont have the best reputation for being all that respectful or friendly. ANYWAY A friend of mine AND the ex was standing right next to me when i "went off" on Jake and he agreed it was not nearly as bad as what the ex made it out to be in his email. He even went on to say "I myself don't know all the details, nor do I really want to." REALLY? you dont know the details but your gonna CHOOSE to go off on me anyway? priceless.. He went on to talk about how Jake is protective of him because of what I did to him? REALLY? you dont see my friends attacking Jake for making comparisons of me to Eeyore or telling me to go overdose in an alley or something.

It took 5 emails from me before the ex would even apologize for accusing me of sharing info about Jake that he thought was set to private on FB when it wasnt (It still is 100% public) Way to back a friend huh?

THEN he throws the attorney thing in my face again. In reality the only people that have anything to lose if an attorney got involved would be him and his friend Jake. The ex doesnt have a computer at home so 99% of his blogging, twittering and Facebooking is done from work, and a good portion of it would probably be considered inappropriate for the workplace. I know his boss knows hes on the internet to some degree because it was brought up once.

Anyway like I said I blacked out. Somehow I got it in my head that I was gonna hurt myself, a couple of friends from Twitter were so kind to me.. Texting me and Tweeting me trying to get me to call 911 or tell them where I was.

Im not gonna go into details as to what I tried to do but there was a point when I realized I was "out of my mind" and I called my Dr.

He advised me to go to the emergency room, and thats what I did. I gotta stop for now.. Im starting to get a little upset right now..

Time to take a walk