Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Too much on my mind

Wow, I havent blogged in awhile so I have so much to say.. I hope I dont bore you. Its amazing how great I have been feeling lately, (for the most part) I have my ups and downs but Ive been separating myself from the negative people in my life. Ive been seeing 2 therapists and trying to put myself in positive situations.

Tonight a Twitter friend told me he was considering hurting himself.. Well that touched too close to home so I asked him if I could call him.. I did and we talked for quite awhile hes got some issues goin on that arent too different from a lot of people in the country right now, the difference is he doesnt have a lot of resources available to him because of where he lives. I told him of my recent issues and he told me some of his problems that are forefront in his mind. I gave him some ideas that I hope will help him, told him there was someone out there (ME) that cared enough about him to call and check in on him from time to time (I wish he lived closer) Hes REALLY cute, has a great voice, and a...I better stop here. Helping someone to feel a little better is what Ive always been about, all my friends that have known me for years know I am a giving, nurturing and caring person. I felt really good for putting a smile on this boys face. Is that selfish? Im gonna keep an eye on this Boy for awhile.. Hes got such great potential, he just needs to see it in himself. Ive got my eye on you!!

Ive really worked on eliminating some of the negative people out of my life.
I had to delete a friend on Twitter and Facebook I met via the ex. He lied to me about one of my facebook friends that he had dated, yet told me he never met him?? He was also sharing too much of our conversations with the ex. as well as their conversations with me. It got to the point it was just hurting me more than anything. The personal things this person shared with me werent that easy to read either. I mean how would you like to read about someone you still had feelings for (at the time) "intimate moments" with another person? I still dont know why he did that. I guess he still has a thing for my ex and maybe he was trying to push me further away from him so he could have another shot? Who knows?

Another friend that I really liked (enough to go visit in the hospital) kept deleting my positive and encouraging comments on his FB page. Finally I said to the ex "if he doesnt like me why doesnt he delete me as a friend instead of just erasing my comments?" Well it only took 2 days after that conversation for him to delete me. Coincidence?

If ya follow my blog you may remember the one titled Get your daily dose of crazy right here. That was also about one of the ex's friends.

I dont for a minute think he encouraged them to act like this, but as he said he keeps some at an arms length so thats not exactly discouraging them either. Im done tryin to figure out his friends with two faces. The damage they have done has been far more difficult to deal with because I get no answers or conversation to figure out why they do what they do. So when I come to my own conclusions here in my blog thats not a bad thing is it?
I will play with a dog until it snaps at me and then I am done.

Ive realized through all of this I really let others words and actions effect how I feel. I know I know everyone thats reading this is slappin their hand on their forehead sayin DUH! Honestly theres still part of me that needs everyone's approval or acceptance. I dont know where that comes from. There are some people that I just will never please, and there are some people that can never be pleased with anything and then others that are just too insecure. The sooner I learn that I will NEVER please EVERYONE better off Ill be.. OK so when?

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook youve seen me me talk about a crush I have on someone. Well I recently told him of my feelings and he was accepting of it and maybe even encouraged it. (we will see what happens) We will call him "A" well A was on a business trip recently and I didnt get the usual quick replies to my emails and it really bummed me out for a day or so.. Guess what? he was just busy working. As soon as he got home (tonight) he emailed me apologizing and telling me he was also very sick. I am on cloud nine right now. Hes REALLY hot and we understand each other, been through similar situations, etc etc So once again I am letting others actions OR what I believe their actions to be affect my moods.. I was down when I didnt hear from him and now Im up because I got that email.. Thats not healthy is it?

There is this other cutie that I met at a party recently and when I posted something on his FB wall he emailed me and told me he had to delete it cuz he was dating someone and they didnt like it.. BUMMER.. well I decided to follow up with him, YEP they are still dating but hes open to making friends so thats cool. That made me very happy. Now those are normal feelings to have right?

So heres another blog with an anti climactic ending.. thats what happens when you are just sharing feelings as opposed to telling a story.. I dont do this to entertain people i do it to help get stuff off my chest and maybe someone else will read it and relate. Its happened before.. but I deleted those blog posts.
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