I put myself in situations that I know wont turn out well.. I dont intend to do it but I so often end up in this "bad space" Tonight I met up with this guy for a drink at Pecs, hes really cute and grounded and sweet.....and dating someone. The problem is I knew that ahead of time but... But.. I dont know is it normal to still meet up with someone you know you are attracted to thats not available? What was I expecting? I go out sometimes with the expectation that Ill flirt with someone or have a great conversation with someone, make a connection, get a phone number. Even if one of these things could happen, Id be content! But realistically how often does that happen?
I have a fear of being alone I think. I dont mean from moment to moment, I have lots of friends that I could spend 18+ hours a day with. I mean for eternity. I have a fear that I will die alone..and even worse die lonely. Do you know the difference?
Im learning to take myself out of a situation before I get REALLY down.. if im out with friends or whatever and I havent met someone or even flirted with someone Ill feel myself start to "sink" and rather than bring everyone around me down with me, Ill leave and go home. That also helps eliminate the possibility of things getting worse but it also eliminates the possibility of something good happening. So i leave depressed and lonely and I dont know how to change this behavior. I few weeks ago I wanted to "leave early" so I would quit feeling the pain of being alone.. I still worry about sinking that low again.
4 comments:
I truly understand parts of what you have written but I wish I knew why you are going into the hospital/or what has led you down to this path. I know what being alone is about...and what expectations one can realize and accept...Im older than you..not wiser but more experienced in this path you speak about....I feel bad that your ex has not replied to your calling...but in the long run...you will if you have any belief or self worth...be a stronger person.
until I can remember my user account name...i have to sign unknown :)..im teejaybadassjr on twitter
Kurt,
I was in this space of being alone, not having the feeling that you have someone there, to help with the feeling that you are not going to be a lonely old man one day and not have the love that you need and desire. It is a hard rodeo, the one where you do not want to feel lonely but that you are part of something special. I have known you for a long time. Seen from the outside as you have had ups and downs, guys (boy friends) coming and going. We even thought and talked about dating a few times. But what I want to share with you is that you need to know that you are a special and awesome person. You have so many talents and gifts that you have been blessed with that at times I think that you have over looked them. Take inventory of what and who you are, this might be a good time right now with your choice of seeking help. You need to take a step and seek what you like and desire that makes you, Kurt happy. Not what other friend, acquaintance or passer by says. Listen and really pay attention to the inventory that you have taken and find a way to get back what you like and adore about yourself. What makes you SMILE and be happy. Not what others say is good for you or what should make you happy. As you do this it will he hard and difficult letting go of the old and things that are not working to what will. Cleaning house I call it. I do I daily on what is in my life and as a result I smile more and happier more with who and what I am in life. I know I am not a therapist and expert but I know you as a friend and you can work though this and not be in a bad state. As I friend I am there for you, a shoulder to cry on and someone to be supportive. Be brave and be blessed.
There is such a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone is something you own. Being lonely is that out of control feeling that hurts. You must choose to be alone without being lonely.
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