Friday, December 18, 2009

Expectations of being alone

I put myself in situations that I know wont turn out well.. I dont intend to do it but I so often end up in this "bad space" Tonight I met up with this guy for a drink at Pecs, hes really cute and grounded and sweet.....and dating someone. The problem is I knew that ahead of time but... But.. I dont know is it normal to still meet up with someone you know you are attracted to thats not available? What was I expecting? I go out sometimes with the expectation that Ill flirt with someone or have a great conversation with someone, make a connection, get a phone number. Even if one of these things could happen, Id be content! But realistically how often does that happen?

I have a fear of being alone I think. I dont mean from moment to moment, I have lots of friends that I could spend 18+ hours a day with. I mean for eternity. I have a fear that I will die alone..and even worse die lonely. Do you know the difference?

Im learning to take myself out of a situation before I get REALLY down.. if im out with friends or whatever and I havent met someone or even flirted with someone Ill feel myself start to "sink" and rather than bring everyone around me down with me, Ill leave and go home. That also helps eliminate the possibility of things getting worse but it also eliminates the possibility of something good happening. So i leave depressed and lonely and I dont know how to change this behavior. I few weeks ago I wanted to "leave early" so I would quit feeling the pain of being alone.. I still worry about sinking that low again.
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