Monday, March 29, 2010

Mr Van de Mark

I met Brian many years ago, in an undisclosed location :-)
Hes given me advice, interviewed me for articles he wrote for the GLT, helped me through a difficult day or two, he was always direct and at times brutally honest, he would tell me these long drawn out stories about his mother, but it always seemed to come back to the situation I was going through. Brian was battling cancer and I am so happy he is no longer in pain. I will miss him greatly.

Death has surrounded me the past couple of months. Its one thing that saddens me beyond measure.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

What happened to the passion?

I used to be passionate about stuff. Now I dont even care.

I used to be passionate about causes, I used to have a passion for my work, Ive been passionate about people at times. Now I dont care much about anything, Ill go days without getting off the couch, showering, or at times even brushing my teeth.

Sometimes I take the worlds problems on as my own, I start to get in this thought process that I hate the direction the country or the world is going and it really starts to get me down. It can be triggered by something as small as people not using a turn signal to something as big as a national election. So rather than get myself goin on a downward spiral of hating stuff, i chose to just not think about it. But that brings me to the place I am now.. Not feeling anything at all. Or maybe its all these pills the Dr has me on right now. Whatever it is its not working.. This entire week Ive been down in the dumps, not wanting to leave my couch and do anything..

I dont know what the point of this blog post was, I know everyone on Facebook is tired of hearing me bitch, last night some asshole called me a messy drama queen.. Ive never even met this guy, he lives in Columbus, Ohio.. He has no idea of my history or what I have been through. I promptly removed him as a friend after his little "tirade" on my status update, telling me how him and the rest of my friends were sick of hearing me go on and on. Ive taken a break from Twitter.. Ive posted a couple of things there but no one responds so I feel like Ive worn out my welcome there.

Its seems that the stuff I want a response to on Facebook gets nothing and the dumb "innocent" things i post causes a flurry of debate. Im thinkin i should maybe take a break from Facebook too? But then what would I do all day? My Psychiatrist thinks im looking to Facebook and Twitter for too much validation. Hes probably right, if it werent were Facebook I wouldnt even feel relevant at times

Right now Im supposed to be getting ready to go to my mothers house but I dont feel like going anywhere..

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Will I ever get out of here?

I have a few good days and a few more bad days, at times I wonder if I will ever be completely out from under this dark cloud. Im not living the life I want to live, I dont know that I will ever be completely happy again. Im miserable, Im fat, Im lonely and Im not doing anything to get better, I just have set back after set back.. If it weren't for my cat I probably wouldn't smile some days. I was going on walks with my friend Jeffrey but Im tired of those walks. The only thing they do is help take up some time during the day.. Id rather lay on the couch then walk around the park.

I know that sometimes just sitting here with my thoughts are not good, they do start to go to dark places, but thats when I just go to sleep. Ive been trying to get to my Moms house for a week now, at first it was my anxiety that kept me from going, now I just dont have the energy or motivation to drive up there. Theres not a whole to do there either so Id just be doing the same thing there Im doing here..

Well see what tomorrow brings, maybe Ill get the motivation to go there for the weekend.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

What else can I do

Im so tired of doing everything Im supposed to be doing and getting nowhere

I dont like my new therapist.. after 3 months of working with my last one I felt like I was finally getting somewhere before he died. This one I just dont think Ill bother going back to. i finally am warming up to my Psychiatrist, he actually took an interest in what Im telling him, he thinks Im looking to the wrong places for validation like Twitter and Facebook. He suggested I give one or both of them up for a while and see how it effects me. SO i decided to give up Twitter. its been a little over 24 hours now I do miss it a lot. I dont know how long I will be able to stay away from Twitter, Ive actually built some relationships there that have extended into real life.

A couple of weeks ago when I went to the Medi Cal office I was given a check list of all the things I needed to supply them by March 20th.. ALL of which completed, then today I get a letter in the mail with an additional list of items I need to supply by April 2nd. This list includes letters from my Doctors ALL of which I have seen already this month so now I have to make more appointments to see them and have these forms filled out.. This shit isnt easy..

Im also really feeling lonely again.. Most people just dont understand. I have TONS of friends and people to keep me busy but my body actually aches at times to be close to someone. As I type these words Im in tears. Im a cuddler and someone that requires the human touch. I feel bad for the first guy I start to date because im sure the first time we cuddle Ill start to cry from happiness.

Im feeling so down again this week.. I dont wanna do anything.. I just wanna lay here and watch TV.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Another bad day

So yesterday I thought that someone I "know" was secretly writing a blog that I consider to be hurtful and harmful to others. Read the story here.

Well I asked this person directly if it was him, I also sent an email to Cory letting him know of my thought on it being this person. Cory has been included in this persons blog, anyway Cory doesnt think it is him and the person I thought it was also convinced me it wasnt it. Diante also sent me a message saying that I was wrong. I was so convinced it was this person that I was in tears yesterday over it.

Cory sent me a couple nice emails yesterday and that should have made me feel better but I still had this dark cloud over me. I went on a walk with my friend Jeffrey but I was miserable the entire time. I got home and took a nap and then saw a client. Making a few bucks usually makes me feel better, but this time it didnt.

My day sorta got worse while I was on Facebook yesterday I saw that my BFF and Cory were new friends, they had been Facebook friends when we were dating and during the fallout Cory removed her..I understand that, thats natural.
Cory told me yesterday he knows that someday we will be friends again, but hes been giving me space to work on me. I follow his blog and we have many mutual friends in common so I know enough of what he is up to (hes been dating someone) that doesnt bother me at all, (although I wish I was dating someone life is so tough going through all of this with out some hugs and cuddling.) But last night the BFF told me what she and Cory had briefly chatted about, it was all pretty general until the part when he told her that he spent Sunday on the couch with his boyfriend. OK I already knew that he had a boyfriend but why did he tell her??? AWKWARD!!! She said she felt a little uncomfortable, and I can understand why.. This is MY best friend!!! One moment he tells me hes giving me space the next hes sending a friend request to MY best friend tellin her whats goin on in his life. Part of me is a little jealous that he and I aren't to that point yet. But Im just not ready.. Now Cheri is upset because she thinks SHE did something wrong by accepting the friend request and chatting with him, but in all honesty I feel Cory slightly crossed the line there. He put her in an awkward position and now people are feeling bad because of a few words he said. I dont feel he did anything to intentionally hurt me but I AM hurting a little bit over this. Now I feel like the progress that was made yesterday from his emails have been canceled out.

Thank God I have therapy and I see my Dr today because right now I feel like crawling back into bed and staying there the rest of the week.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Diante's Inferno ?

This is probably the least eloquent blog post I have ever written, its all over the place and wont make sense to most of you.

Ive been following someones blog lately after seeing him comment on the blog of someone I used to date, and on my blog as well. When I first read his blog I was a little freaked out because he speaks of getting even and how he is so angry... He hasnt "gone after" me in his blog. The comments he has made on my blog were in support of me but still freaked me out a bit.

After reading his blog some of the things he was saying seemed VERY familiar, so familiar that I believed they were things that I had once said myself about one person in particular. Well heres a link to his blog, Diante it wont make sense to many of you and Im not going to point out the things I am talking about, because I dont want to give any validation to these statements he is making.

Now here is this point of this blog post.. After reading his blog today I think I have figured out who Diante is. I used to have a big crush on this guy. He was very supportive of me when I was going through a rough patch. We only talked on the phone once, most of our interaction was on Facebook. There so much in his blog that doesnt make sense, like the prescription drug use and the heavy drinking, but when I think about it it could make sense because this person is a pharmaceutical company sales rep and I dont really know him at all.

Once i thought I figured it out, I went back and re-read his blog and I see so many similarities in what he has said directly to me in the past and words and phrases he uses in his blog.

I really want to be wrong about this for many reasons. First and foremost I dont want to think that he is in this much pain, I dont want to think that all the support he gave me was fake or out of spite of someone else, and I dont want to believe he would be so vindictive.

Im a little torn up about this right now.. He just posted something on my FB wall the other day asking me how I was doing..

Diante..Please tell me I am wrong about this..

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The luck of the Irish?

Well I aint Irish, but my luck seems to be changing..

Yesterday I found out I do qualify for some of the Government aid I applied for last week. This morning I put a pic of my Craftsman tool chest on Facebook, and it was sold within minutes.. I really hated to part with it, I LOVED it so much and I sold it pretty darn cheap but I really needed the money.

I havent really done anything differently the past few days, my attitude has been a little better simply based on some good stuff happening. A date this past Sunday, cute guys flirting and giving me their number at Urban Mo's and at the Hole, not that I base my happiness on other guys but come on ya know you feel good when hotties flirt with you. The help from Uncle Sam, and selling the tool chest, I hope I can keep this "roll" going.. Right now Im off to some Drs appointments that should help me with these Government "benefits" and tomorrow I have to complete an orientation for my help from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Friday or Saturday Ill get a haircut and maybe some new shoes for all the walking Im doing and maybe a couple T-shirts. Ill feel like a new person!! I guess my theme song of this week comes from Patti La Belle!!

Wish me luck for the rest of my week to go as well as it has so far!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

This and that

Yesterday was all in all a pretty good day, I went for a long walk in Balboa Park with my friend Jeffrey, we went to many areas of the park I never knew existed. I really do live in a beautiful city that I dont appreciate enough.

As usual Jeffrey and I chat about all sorts of stuff, but the first topic of conversation was of course Sunday night and how I reacted to Cory talking to me. If ya dont know what I am talking about read my blog from Sunday night HERE As I said, maybe Im not 100% ready to be "friends" yet OR maybe it just totally caught me off guard, I mean we havent talked in a long time and there has been some bitterness there so the fact that out of the blue he talks to me may have just been too "weird" for me. Time will tell, theres no time limitation or deadline on us being nice to each other, and it had to start somewhere. The balls in my court and next time I See him well see how it goes.

I dont know if its allergies from being in the park yesterday or if Im really just sick, but my nose is all stuffed up and running at the same time, my throat was sore this AM and I have a bit of congestion when I cough. Its terrible timing because today I am supposed to meet my new therapist, one of my Facebook friends said its probably just in my head because starting all over with a new therapist is NOT my idea of fun. I was just starting to make progress with the last one. Things have been so difficult for me since October, theres days that I wonder if I made the right choice by closing my salon and theres days I wish i would have made it over the other side of that bridge fence. Nothing is clear to me should I turn right or left? Leave the house or stay in for a couple of days. Was I always like this and just didnt see it because I was always so busy? Now that Im idle am I dwelling on everything? See there I go again.. No clear answers.

I was telling Jeffrey yesterday that I read the blog of someone that does this 5 for and 5 against thing. He does it a lot with movies where he will say 5 things negative about it and 5 positive. Im gonna try and start doing that with situations or experiences. I easily find the 5 bad things they just come to me naturally these days, I need to TRY and find the positive things. I wish they came to me first but they dont. I hate that about myself and I dont know where it comes from. Oh well

So I read these words on Cory's blog recently, normally when he quotes dead people I just roll my eyes. But these words really caught my attention. WOW I think Im making progress.. I dont want to say what I mean by that, some of you may understand..

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. - Helen Keller

Right now sailing to an uncharted land, seems too big for me, Id be happy just being able to get through a day without having a panic attack.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Havent met you yet

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.


I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.


But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
And in love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.


You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

My weekend/ Sunday (mostly) Funday

well fuck.... I should be writing about the entire weekend but Im goin directly to Sunday. It started out as a great day, I had a "date" with this cute guy I originally met back in July. weve seen each other one other time since then in January. Friday he called me and asked me if I wanted to go to church with him on Sunday. I was eager to see him again, but mostly eager to spend some time with someone other than just a "friend" Church was great, we went to Mission Gathering Christian Church in North Park. He had to work right after church so we didnt get to spend a whole lot of time together. After church I took my good friend Sister Iona Dubble-Wyde to Babycakes for his Birthday, after that we met a few friends at Baja Bettys for a drink.. Well that turned into Cheri meeting us and going to Urban Mos then the Hole... I guess Im fast forwarding through all the fun stuff that happened just to get to the part that upset me.. Here it is

I was havin a great time at the Hole despite the shirt I was wearing.. Guys were flirting with me, and this incredibly hot man that I met 10-12 years ago was talking and flirting with me and gave me his number again.. I guess everything went downhill when I started walking towards my friends and saw Cory standing and talking with them.. there was no anger or hurt there, just a little frustration because he and I arent on speaking terms. One of our last communications with each other he had said I didnt give him the space or distance he needed, so I obviously wasnt going to go interrupt the interaction he was having with my friends I came there with. So I kind of stepped back and stood off to the side, Thats when 2 of my friends started motioning for me to come over to them.. I resisted and they came over to me.. Blah Blah Blah.. Jeffrey told he He needed to tell me about a good conversation he had with Cory the night before.. FUCK I was stating to have an anxiety attack.. Cory walked over to some other friends and I proceeded to fall apart. I saw a friend across the bar that I wanted to say Hi to... BUT i didnt see that Cory was standing right behind him. OOOPS. Cory saw me and said something ??? I think he said Hi and asked how I was doing.. I said something to him.. I hope I was polite, I meant to be, Jesus Christ.. I didnt realize that I still had feelings for him til right then.. I fell apart after that.. We left shortly after that because I couldnt hold back the tears. This is the first time Im admitting this to anyone including myself. I guess Ive lashed out at him in the past because I was so hurt.. My past blog posts about his roommate have NOTHING to do with him... He and his roommate are two separate people and I dont hold Jakes actions against Cory in any way..I never have. Im a little embarrassed by admitting all of this, but I always am 100% honest in my feelings and thoughts in my blog. Im probably pushing Cory away a bit by saying all of this, but maybe I guess thats what I need right now. I thought I was ready to be friendly with him.. BUT maybe Im not.. FUCK more setbacks.. Every time I think Im taking a step forward im really taking 2 steps back.

When I post my status messages and tweets about how Im doing I really dont notice how sad or "down" I am....until I see people out and they are so concerned with how I am doing.. It feels nice that people are concerned but I hate that people feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me. I hope people treat me kindly because they like me, NOT because they feel sorry for me.

Friday, March 12, 2010

There are important steps I need to take if I want new relationships to last.

We need to learn from our mistakes.. The last person I dated changed his Facebook relationship status after just 3 weeks of dating,and OF COURSE i followed right along. I was so happy to be dating after 4-5 years of not having a date, I wanted the world to know about it. I get this daily affirmation thing emailed to me and I saw this one last night and just had to share it. Ive taken my relationship status off Facebook entirely, I know I talk alot about the guys I kiss, or meet in a bar etc etc But when I meet a guy Im certain Im dating I may just be quiet about it this time.

I need to allow a new relationship to grow in a healthy way by giving it the time it needs. When I go too fast in a relationship, necessary stages are overlooked, and I might find myself in a relationship destined to fail. When trees are planted and their roots aren't given enough time to grow deeply into the soil, they're sure to fall during a storm. When the roots are given time to grow slowly, strongly, and deeply, they will most likely weather any storm.

Relationships can be similar, because when they're taken too quickly, they're likely to fail at the first sign of difficulty. But if given the time to grow, they will withstand the winds of turmoil and crisis. If I meet someone I want to be with, I can care for our relationship by not going too fast. I will remind myself that a tree needs tender care and nurturing to grow and flourish, not fertilizers and chemicals that force it to grow faster.

Today I will take care of my new relationship by understanding what it takes to make it strong and lasting.

Copied from Time to Fly Free by Judith R. Smith

Thursday, March 11, 2010

High Anxiety and thoughts of Bob

For the past two days Ive been suffering from some MAJOR anxiety. I cant leave my house for very long otherwise I start freaking out. I dont have any reason to feel this way, I just feel so vulnerable when Im not at home. Yesterday I thought I was gonna jump out of my skin after being gone about 3 hours. My computer, Facebook, and Twitter are most definitely my security blankets. I can access all these and my email from my phone so theres no reason I should feel disconnected or scared or nervous im missing something.

Ive been thinking about someone else lately. Whenever we have seen each other out we look right through or past each other, and thats been bothering me. I know its whats best, we probably will never be "friends" I just wish we were friendly towards each other. Im not going to blame him for this, I know that I also have done things to create this situation between us. It does bother me how I reacted recently when I heard about his friends saying shit about me. I reacted when I shouldnt have. I keep giving these people power by reacting. Maybe if I didnt react they would stop trying to get a reaction out of me. Actions do speak louder than words. I reacted with my words to their actions. Kind of a vicious circle I desperately want out of.

Ive also been thinking about Bob a lot. Bob is the guy I knew that committed suicide after first shooting my friend Eric. We will NEVER know what happened between Eric and Bob. No matter what Bobs note said or what Eric may have said to friends about Bob in the past. There were TWO people in that relationship and only two people there the morning they died. As I have said before, the day I tried to kill myself I was triggered by emails from someone but when I walked out the doors towards that bridge I dont remember a thing. I blacked out, the only reason I know what happened is because I was text messaging Jonathan, a Twitter friend from North Carolina the entire time right up until I tried cutting myself and went to the hospital, later I was able to look back and read what I said. I was completely out of my mind. I hope people arent passing judgment on Bob, thats NOT anyone on this earths job to do. Sure I had some moments of anger, i think its natural. I dont know maybe because of MY experience I have a different point of view.
Ive seen how Bob's suicide has effected so many of Bob's friends and his family.
Its a great reminder to me of how things might be if something were to happen to me.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Doom & gloom

Ive had SOOOOO many friends sending me supportive emails the past few days. Half of them encouraging me not to let what others say about me get me down, and the other half telling me I have the strength to get through this set back of my therapist dying this past weekend. Lots of people have sent me their therapist name and number. Its truly amazing (and encouraging) how many people are in therapy.

Life isnt good, I try to put on a brave face and act like Im happy, but the truth is I am miserable, Im lonely, I want and desperately need a job, I let little things and little peoples actions effect me greatly. I never used to be like that.. I dont know what wore me down so greatly that Im so weak now, I guess part of me still doesnt care what people think of me otherwise I wouldnt put myself out there like I do in my blog. I need a distraction, one that pays me. A lot of my stress is from not having any money, wondering how Im gonna pay the bills. Its putting a huge amount of stress on my mother as well. Today I have to go apply for Medi-cal, I never thought I would be so broke that I need Government assistance. Maybe I should have a garage sale and start selling everything I dont NEED. Its funny how much you have that you dont really need when it comes down to it. I went from a life of spending money pretty much whenever I wanted to not having ANY money at all. I used to eat breakfast at the Cafe on the corner 3-5 times a week to now eating oatmeal for breakfast. Its been a very difficult change in my life

Im ready to snap again I can just feel it coming. If I dont feel better by Friday, Im afraid I may have to go back in the Hospital. For my own good

Monday, March 8, 2010

A little bit about HOW I am right now

So obviously I was a little annoyed this weekend and this morning due to the actions of some people that I dont even call friends. Im aware I shouldnt let them bother me but they do, sadly these people that are sayin shit about me to other friends or making remarks on Twitter are the same two people that I have had issues with in the past, one of them I had completely forgotten about until someone sent me a couple of his tweets this morning. Their actions continue to make them look foolish and for whatever reason continue to make me feel badly. They are both friends of someone I used to date. Funny enough I dont hate this guy anymore, Ive moved past all of that recently. The other night I reacted and sent a tweet out that I now wish I hadnt, and I am sorry I did it.

I truly feel that he (Cory) is sympathetic to my situation, Ive had some tough times emotionally in the last few months and he is well aware of all of that I have been through. I tried to kill myself a few months ago, MAYBE JUST MAYBE Im still struggling with how to cope in certain situations, and I truly believe Cory has gone out of his way not to do anything to upset me. Recently he had written about some emotional stuff he went through and it finally all clicked for me. Seeing him say he is vulnerable like everyone else helped me to realize that Im not the only one thats got issues. So i guess it really surprises me that his own roommate and another friend cant see what he sees, or that they continue to act in a manner that could "hurt" him. People WILL judge you by the company you keep.. Again his friends arent acting in HIS best interest when they talk to MY friends about me or post snide comments on Twitter.

I say how I feel and put it out there for everyone to know, Ive been better about not calling people out by their entire name, I even deleted some comments someone wrote about Jake because they used his last name, even though Jakes life is pretty out there for everyone to see anyway, His Facebook profile is ONCE AGAIN public and you can read see every comment and see every picture he posts. Chadd hides behind Twitter for some reason. Neither one of them has the balls or the decency to say how they feel to me or leave me a comment on my blog, etc etc. I think some people are fooled into thinking that if they dont say things publicly it makes them the bigger person. Well when youre talking shit about someone it doesnt matter HOW you do it.. it just matter who hears it or sees it. Kinda dumb to say it to mutual friends of mine dont ya think? But really guys weve been down this road already. Dont you see what it does to Cory? It causes him aggravation and if you are really his friend why would you want that for him. Im struggling with depression and some other issues so if I act in a way that you think isnt right or up to YOUR standards, just realize that I AM in therapy and I AM working on myself. Whats your excuse?

Kind words from a RT and Facebook friend

A friend left me this comment on Facebook just now. First is my status then his comment

All these months later some people are still talking shit about me to MY friends behind my back. I put my feelings out there for everyone to see via my blog.. Grow some balls and talk to me about your issues, be up front and out there with your feelings about me or STFU!!

From SW

Cheer up, KID. I know it's hard, but you really need to get on with YOUR life. Know what YOU like, what YOU want to accomplish and who's important in YOUR life. As was said in Alice in Wonderland, "I can't help you if YOU don't know who YOU are. Stupid, girl." But just know that if some people are so immature and petty that the only way to feel good about them selves is to talk badly of others they have NOTHING going on right now to feel good about. If they REALLY had lives they would be living them and not spending time being concerned with others. Haters will keep on hating, the world keeps on spinning. Go do what I do from time to time, get out of the shallow, superficial fish bowl that is North-Uni-Crest.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Im pretty, but other peoples drama isnt

Where do I start?

Friday night I went to a party at a new friends house, he has a party the first Friday of every month. Theres always lots of fun and friendly guys there, this month there was this REALLY cute REALLY tall guy there. I have a weakness for tall guys (and cute ones) Thanks to Jeffrey I got up the nerve to talk to him, we chatted for a bit but since he is new to town everybody at the party was tryin to get a piece of him. Well it was time to go so I went to give him a hug goodbye and I dont know what came over me but I kissed him on the lips, as I pulled back he said what just one kiss? so i went back for more, this time it was a wet one. I was walkin out of that party with my head in the clouds.

Jeffrey and I decided to have a little Pre Bear Night party at his place. So I invited Joe (cute tall boy) he showed up and I played it cool, I let him have his space before I pounced on him. I did my good old trusty "lets take a picture together" move so I could cop a feel. Soon after we all left to head over to the bar, he promised me a dance and I was gonna cash in for sure. My friend and I were on the dance floor and who did I bump into? Yep cute tall boy.. we danced and somehow ended up kissing out on the dance floor... WOW i havent done that since well I dunno when the last time was but its been a while. We bumped into each other again and somehow ended up kissing some more. Hes a REALLY good kisser. We got seperated at the bar so he sent me a text saying he couldnt find me and was leaving.. HOW SWEET IS THAT? There was lots of other stuff and conversations that happened between dancing and kissing. Im not gonna go on and on about him because I just met the guy and I dont even know him. I hope I get the opportunity to get to know him better.

OK now for the not so fun stuff #1, as you may remember the last guy I dated has a new roommate that is someone I dont think very highly of, if you dont remember you can read about him HERE and HERE. Obviously you can see that I am someone that puts everything out there for people to see, I dont hide much, you'll always know where you stand with me. I also believe that every action results in a reaction. This time the action was made by Jake and the reaction is me blogging about it. Jake and I have a mutual friend in real life and on Facebook, This friend has been asking me to go to Kickers for awhile, since I know that is a place Jake frequents I didnt want to go there. Rather than drag the friend into the drama between me and Jake, I just kept "blowing the friend off" Well last night I decided to vaguely tell the friend why I wasnt wanting to go to Kickers. He told me he already figured it out because he got a nasty email about me from Jake. He said it was completely out of the blue and there was nothing that he was aware of that instigated it. We didnt talk too much about it because my friend said he had already figured out Jake was immature based on something else he had done, so after he read the email he didnt even respond he just deleted it. I dont think I need to go on about this too much. Jakes actions once again continue to prove me right. The ex has told people (recently) Jake is 28 going on 21 going on 14.. I couldnt have said it better myself.

Not so fun stuff #2
I have.. or I should say HAD this Facebook friend named Randy B. hes a DJ and what else I dont know, weve only met once, Ive actually talked with his Mother longer than Ive talked with him.. Long weird story there.. ANYWAY last night I posted on Facebook pictures of cute tall boy, well Im guessing Randy saw them because in one of his (self admitted) drunk FB comments he said to another friend "remember we dont associate with XXX XXXXX" (cute tall boy) WOW my comment to that was "wow ummmm wow its such a small world :-("
This morning I woke to an email from Randy saying "im disassociating with anyone who thinks being friends with XXX XXXXX (cute tall boy) is a good idea."
and Randy deleted me as a FB friend. he sent me that email at 4:15 in the morning so I dont really put too much thought or concern into email that was writen in a drunken rant. Should it be a red flag? I dont know, I think the way Randy handled that was very immature and speaks volumes about the situation. I have no reason not to trust the cute tall boy, so Im moving forward in my desire to get to know him. End of story.

UPDATE! Randy just emailed me and Im gonna say he handled this situation much better this morning, he didnt tell me why he doesnt like cute tall boy, he just said it was better for him that there was no connection right now. I have a little more respect for Randy now. Glad thats the case I was a little bummed about it this morning.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fooling myself

So for the first time in a couple of months I woke up with that gloomy feeling. Therapy kind of sucked yesterday, and it made me realize I still have some stuff to work on. I really need to get a job but I dont quite have the self confidence yet to try and face a bunch of rejection. I thought I was doing pretty good, I thought my afternoon walks, therapy, the anti-depressants all together were really helping me, but i think whats been happening is Ive been feeling better because Ive actually been ignoring what I should be working on.

Ive never been afraid of challenges like starting my own business, running for elected positions to organizations, boards committees, etc., etc. So whats my problem now?
Closing my business after 8 years, and a failed "relationship" within a week of each other is probably what started it all. Even though i didnt fail at my business it was the economy that failed me. The relationship was never gonna work, because I allowed him to be critical of me from the beginning. I recently re-read all the e-mail he had sent me during the relationship and he was always bitching about something AFTER the fact, hence never giving me an opportunity to discuss it or defend myself, he would just (as he put it) say his peace and move on, therefore making me live with what he stated as fact. I didnt think that was fair but I also didnt realize how much damage he did to my self esteem.

I really need to get a job, being broke is also very depressing. I need a haircut, I need new tennis shoes, I need jeans, and some t-shirts. You all probably think that Im always spending money eating out, going to Baja Bettys, etc. but the truth is lately my friends will "cover me" and/or we go to eat at a place thats only 5 bucks for lunch and Baja Bettys happy hour for $3 appetizers. If I spent what little money I get on clothes or a haircut I wouldnt have money to leave the house and none of those things would matter anyway. I think its more important to get out of the house and be social than to sit home and be lonely. I try to do free stuff too like at the Center. I want to go volunteer at the Center but I need to go get a background check that costs $10.. The Center will reimburse me for that fee but that still $10 less in my pocket for a while.

Oh well I feel stuck, the Dr mentioned going on disability but then the case worker said I was doing TOO well now to qualify. I guess I had her fooled as well as Ive been fooling myself.