Thursday, March 11, 2010

High Anxiety and thoughts of Bob

For the past two days Ive been suffering from some MAJOR anxiety. I cant leave my house for very long otherwise I start freaking out. I dont have any reason to feel this way, I just feel so vulnerable when Im not at home. Yesterday I thought I was gonna jump out of my skin after being gone about 3 hours. My computer, Facebook, and Twitter are most definitely my security blankets. I can access all these and my email from my phone so theres no reason I should feel disconnected or scared or nervous im missing something.

Ive been thinking about someone else lately. Whenever we have seen each other out we look right through or past each other, and thats been bothering me. I know its whats best, we probably will never be "friends" I just wish we were friendly towards each other. Im not going to blame him for this, I know that I also have done things to create this situation between us. It does bother me how I reacted recently when I heard about his friends saying shit about me. I reacted when I shouldnt have. I keep giving these people power by reacting. Maybe if I didnt react they would stop trying to get a reaction out of me. Actions do speak louder than words. I reacted with my words to their actions. Kind of a vicious circle I desperately want out of.

Ive also been thinking about Bob a lot. Bob is the guy I knew that committed suicide after first shooting my friend Eric. We will NEVER know what happened between Eric and Bob. No matter what Bobs note said or what Eric may have said to friends about Bob in the past. There were TWO people in that relationship and only two people there the morning they died. As I have said before, the day I tried to kill myself I was triggered by emails from someone but when I walked out the doors towards that bridge I dont remember a thing. I blacked out, the only reason I know what happened is because I was text messaging Jonathan, a Twitter friend from North Carolina the entire time right up until I tried cutting myself and went to the hospital, later I was able to look back and read what I said. I was completely out of my mind. I hope people arent passing judgment on Bob, thats NOT anyone on this earths job to do. Sure I had some moments of anger, i think its natural. I dont know maybe because of MY experience I have a different point of view.
Ive seen how Bob's suicide has effected so many of Bob's friends and his family.
Its a great reminder to me of how things might be if something were to happen to me.
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