Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fooling myself

So for the first time in a couple of months I woke up with that gloomy feeling. Therapy kind of sucked yesterday, and it made me realize I still have some stuff to work on. I really need to get a job but I dont quite have the self confidence yet to try and face a bunch of rejection. I thought I was doing pretty good, I thought my afternoon walks, therapy, the anti-depressants all together were really helping me, but i think whats been happening is Ive been feeling better because Ive actually been ignoring what I should be working on.

Ive never been afraid of challenges like starting my own business, running for elected positions to organizations, boards committees, etc., etc. So whats my problem now?
Closing my business after 8 years, and a failed "relationship" within a week of each other is probably what started it all. Even though i didnt fail at my business it was the economy that failed me. The relationship was never gonna work, because I allowed him to be critical of me from the beginning. I recently re-read all the e-mail he had sent me during the relationship and he was always bitching about something AFTER the fact, hence never giving me an opportunity to discuss it or defend myself, he would just (as he put it) say his peace and move on, therefore making me live with what he stated as fact. I didnt think that was fair but I also didnt realize how much damage he did to my self esteem.

I really need to get a job, being broke is also very depressing. I need a haircut, I need new tennis shoes, I need jeans, and some t-shirts. You all probably think that Im always spending money eating out, going to Baja Bettys, etc. but the truth is lately my friends will "cover me" and/or we go to eat at a place thats only 5 bucks for lunch and Baja Bettys happy hour for $3 appetizers. If I spent what little money I get on clothes or a haircut I wouldnt have money to leave the house and none of those things would matter anyway. I think its more important to get out of the house and be social than to sit home and be lonely. I try to do free stuff too like at the Center. I want to go volunteer at the Center but I need to go get a background check that costs $10.. The Center will reimburse me for that fee but that still $10 less in my pocket for a while.

Oh well I feel stuck, the Dr mentioned going on disability but then the case worker said I was doing TOO well now to qualify. I guess I had her fooled as well as Ive been fooling myself.
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