Monday, June 14, 2010

Coming out of my cocoon

Cleaning is something I used to be fanatical about, my place always used to be sparkling clean, but after I became depressed back in October, its something I just didnt care about anymore, But maybe I am coming out from under my dark cloud a little bit. I have been making an effort to clean up my little apartment the past couple of weeks. Last week I had to go and get a bunch of stuff out of an old friends garage that I had stored there for quite a few months, Ive had to temporarily absorb a lot of this stuff into my place until I sell it or store it somewhere else. I started to clean my kitchen today (hopefully I will finish) Tomorrow I hope to get my bedroom cleaned up enough to sleep in my bed, I havent done so in over a month and I think thats why Im not sleeping so well. Now dont get the wrong idea, its not that my place is full of filth, its just cluttered. I havent been putting my clean laundry away, its just been on the bed, and some of the "stored" stuff is in the bedroom now as well. My place is really tiny, so it gets cluttered VERY easily.

I signed up for school today! I just signed up online, I still have to meet with a counselor, take the assessment tests, pick classes, etc But Its something I am really excited about. I still dont have a clue as to what I am going to do, but I need to get the general stuff out of the way first anyway so I have a little time to figure that out. I was actually giddy about it today, dancing around my apartment a little bit! I hope this all works out for me because I REALLY want this..

Last week 3 different friends made it a point to tell me that I seem a lot more positive in person, and my posts on Facebook have been more positive as well. I cant tell you how much that meant to me. I havent really been working on appearing positive but theres a few things that I think I can credit for the change.

#1 I think finally I have the right dosage and combination of anti-depressants, I dont think most people realize how difficult it is to find the right balance, and each time you make a change it can take anywhere from 2-4 weeks for the change to truly take effect.

#2 Ive also "removed" some negativity from my life; people, situations, etc.
Sometimes you dont really realize how negative or "nagging" someone is until you arent around them anymore.. Or maybe I just got to a point where I had heard enough people bitching about nothing and I was starting to realize it, and wasnt being so nice about it anymore....enough about that.

#3 I have realized that alcohol has played a big part in some of the drama that has happened with friends. Judgment, emotions, and reactions all get distorted with alcohol. I honestly have to say when I am drinking Im pretty happy and fun, I may get a bit annoying, but I dont fight or get mad or sensitive. If I am wrong about this I hope someone will remind me and call me out on it, but Im pretty sure I dont get all "crazy" when Im drinking. (unless you call "getting sick" on the side of a building crazy) Sorry Urban Mo's!!

I think some people dont consider that alcohol affects you NOT just the day or night you are drinking, but the effects can continue for a couple days after. I was talking with a friend about this recently and he said that he is more emotional or depressed the following day after drinking. So if you are drinking 3 or 4 days a week, that pretty much means you arent in your "right mind" too often.

Ive not gone out at certain times when I know there is gonna be too many friends together drinking, just to avoid any exposure to drama or uncomfortable situations. There have been just a few "dramatic episodes" that I have heard of, certainly no where near the amount of times I have stayed home trying to avoid it all, but I think trying to remove myself from it is a good move on my part.

Last week I enjoyed a great night out with friends for dinner Spaghetti and Show tunes and no one drank and we had plenty of fun! Now please I dont want to come across as hypocritical, anyone that knows me knows I LOVE my Baja Betty's margaritas and my Jack & Coke I'm just finding better more positive ways to enjoy myself when I am out with friends.. Smaller groups of the RIGHT people, less often, for shorter periods of time when alcohol is involved.
As two friends of mine Top Chef Rich Sweeney (yeah I just name dropped) and Gooster used to say K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid)
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