Friday, January 22, 2010

I deserve better

I was feelin so great, but im starting to crash again. I dont want do anything, but i dont want to do nothing either. Friends help me feel better and they annoy me too. I feel like im back in a no win situation if I do anything other than lay on the couch right now.

Ive had some bad interaction with someone lately that took me by surprise too. There are so very few people in the world that I dont get along with. Sure there are people that I dont like but im always "cordal" to them and treat them with some semblance of respect when interacting with them face to face or online or where ever. Im not used to people that just flat out treat me badly and blame me for it. In my search to try and figure out why this person does this to me ive become depressed again. My therapist says he is toxic for me, funny cuz this person told me I was toxic to him? ARRRGH how can someone that only tries to be nice to you be toxic? I think he was just saying that to be a dick. who knows? I dont know how to break away from this? Like I said I blame myself for trying too hard to be friends with this person. Things start out fine but then the emails start and it gets ugly again. Why do I want to be friends with this person so badly? Why would I want anything to do with someone that once told me he could never tell me how he felt about me when he was sober? Someone that told me he unfollowed me on twitter so I could vent but them each time I do he calls me out on it. Someone that will never apologize for ANYTHING he does or says even when he knows he is wrong the only time hes apologized is after almost forcing it out of him. I have sent heartfelt apologies to him for my behavior and things I have said and done wrong, but not getting any real apologies from him prevents me from moving on... Im still trying to right the wrongs (his wrongs) JESUS CHRIST whats wrong with me?

Im goin back to bed.
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