Friday, February 19, 2010

That time of the month

For the 5th month in a row my depression is starting to kick in at the same time it has each preceding month.

In November I went into the hospital on the 23rd, December I went back into the hospital on the 19th. In January my mood dropped around the 20th but I held it together because my Mothers birthday was coming up on the 23rd and since I was in the hospital ON Thanksgiving and just before Christmas i wanted to tough it out so she would have a nice birthday.

I noticed the other day (the 18th) that my mood was starting to dip again. Ive had some good sessions with my therapist but Im afraid Im a long way off from feelin great again.

I didnt really realize how much my self esteem was affected by someone. He was always pretty critical of me, mostly after we dated but looking back now there were lots of times he pointed out things he didnt like or stuff that bothered him even while we were dating. I was never the instigator when we were dating. When I started to "retaliate" or point out his short comings there was never any agreement or apologies from him, just him pointing out more stuff that was wrong with me. Recently he has started blogging about stuff that should make me feel better, him talking about being diagnosed as bi-polar (which he thinks was a misdiagnosis) how he thinks he is a bitter person, recently he said how he has resentment towards his old roommate because she took advantage of him. The roommate situation sticks out to me because it is something we argued about. He was SO defensive and almost hostile about me bringing it up. Was he being defensive because I was right? Or was he just in denial? Either way why would you get angry about it? why tell someone they are wrong and continue to fight back by pointing out my faults? Like I said I should be feeling better after reading all of this, I should feel vindicated, but all I feel is anger real anger towards him for belittling me and making me feel like the bad guy all the time. Im also worried that hes about to snap. Back when we first met he told me he budgeted $100.00 per WEEK for weekend fun.. Cabs, beer, gas etc. If he would just stay home ONE weekend a month he could afford to see a therapist each month, but God forbid someone tell him whats wrong with him.
All these months later I cant believe the anger I still have towards him. The sad thing is he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong.. Today his blog talks about the issues and anger he has had this past YEAR.. Thanks for tryin to date me while you were in step #3 bargaining and angry!! YOU WILL NEVER FIND PEACE UNTIL YOU FIND ALL THE PIECES.

Dont get me wrong there were lots of good times too, but the criticism really stuck with me. I am someone that takes things to heart, if you tell me im broken I have no reason not to believe you, I do consider this to be a fault. So am I angry at him for making me feel so bad? or angry at myself for allowing it to happen?

Today is the funeral for Bob (see here) back in Ohio. Next Sunday is the Celebration of Life for Eric I havent decided if Im going to be able to attend or not, typically I dont go to memorial services because I get too emotional. The other night at Baja Bettys some of Eric's co workers gathered to remember Eric and I kept looking back in the room they were in and wanting so badly to go back there. So who knows maybe I'll go next Sunday.

I met with one of my Doctors last week about going on disability because of my depression and how its effecting my health, he said i seem to be doing much better and its unlikely that Id be approved. I guess low self esteem doesnt qualify me for disability. I cant seem to muster up the confidence to try and find a job, maybe Im just afraid of more rejection?

I guess its time to wrap this one up.. The words arent flowing anymore..
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