Thursday, October 15, 2009

Revelations - 5AM

I didn't realize how much I counted on someone else for my security and happiness. Things in my world are falling apart but forget about all that.. I had a boyfriend, so things aren't so bad, right?
Ive already apologized to him for putting that kind of pressure on him. This morning I was laying in bed thinking.. God I feel soooo scared right now, if I could just see him and spend some time with him.. have a COUPLE drinks, Cuddle, get some hugs, everything would be alright. WOW!!!!!!!!!! First of all not only is that incredibly selfish but its not very healthy. OR is it? We accept hugs from friends all the time to "feel better" cant I be choosy who I get my hugs from? Is it so bad to just wanna take a little break from all my stress?

We've been communicating better than ever the last few days.. I'm happy about that, hes been SOOO incredibly supportive. He hasnt blogged anything lately except pictures of HOT men. I think hes starting to talk with friends more instead of blogging. Ironic isn't it? Its like we tradeed ways of communicating Of course that's just my theory.. I don't know thats the reason for sure.

Is it too soon to want to spend time together? Hes probably booked up until next week anyway. He is definitely moving full steam ahead with his life as am I but mine doesn't include too much fun stuff. Still I cant help but to have a little hope that he wants to see me too. Yesterday he sent me an invite to a mutual friends Birthday Party... For one one brief moment I hoped he was asking me if I wanted to go together. I KNEW he wasn't but I HOPED he was.. He wasn't, I had told him last week I never got a copy of the invite, SO being sweet (and probably trying to help me stay busy) he made sure I got a copy of the invite..

I don't have any reason to believe he reads my Blog, but I also don't have any reason to believe he doesn't. As I said in a previous blog, Im starting to like communicating this way.. sort of. My thought is I can put it out there but I dont KNOW if anyone is reading it so Im just sorta putting it out there and hoping. EXCEPT I just noticed I have 2 followers now, but they dont really read this crap.. Hopefully soon my blog posts will turn back to happy thoughts.. I really do wanna be happy again.

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