After the text I received at midnight I thought I would sleep much easier, but unfortunately sleep is escaping me now. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the text message and more to do with my anxiety over a couple of Dr. Appointments tomorrow. At the urging of a couple of friends I am going to see someone about my depression. Ive been on anti-depressants before, they certainly helped, even though the side effects of some of them really suck, especially for a single male as myself, but I think its more important that my mind is happy than my "body" (ya understand what I mean). I hate the feeling of not smiling on the inside right now. That feeling of my stomach turning inside out and the dark cloud that can instantly appear in my thoughts has become too frequent and it has to stop. If I hear one more person tell me to smile I think Ill scream! I know that this is all just temporary and this too shall pass.
I just experienced a couple of really difficult situations within a few days time. Ending a relationship for a 40 year old gay man can be debilitating in itself. Do you know the odds of a 40 year old gettin another date in this town? pretty slim, and we always wanna "trade up" from the last boyfriend right? Yeah well that gets more and more difficult (the last one was pretty hot)
THEN I pulled the rug out from under my own feet when I decided to close my business after my landlord decided not to renew my lease. Business has steadily declining for the last year plus, and I just couldn't do a move and keep my head afloat anymore. I guess hardest part of this decision is that I don't have a plan... YEP you heard me I don't have a job lined up. Trust me when I tell you that the stress of not having a job is MUCH LESS than the stress of trying to keep a business going financially when the money is just not coming in. Keeping the phone and lights on, buying supplies, the linen service, the Internet, the advertising, etc etc.
Again I don't know where I was going with this Blog posting.. I guess I was hoping it would make me sleepy and I could get a few hours in before my appointments in the morning.
So the Dr will most likely give me a prescription tomorrow to help me cope with all thats on my plate right now.. Instead of pills Im gonna call them "friends" and Ill get by with a little help from them