Friday, November 20, 2009

What can I say?? What havent I said?

I think Im figuring some things out.

This morning I woke myself up calling out someones name.. I was actually having a weird dream, somehow he had set his blog up to accept voice comments and yes I still read his blog so i thought id leave a comment for him. I kept saying " _____ Im scared" I kept repeating it over and over until I woke myself up saying it.. I wasnt screaming or yelling I was pretty calm.

Ive lashed out at him a lot recently. Im realizing why.

I made a MAJOR life change at the same time our relationship ended, so not all of my anger that I have directed towards him is really even about him. Its about me being scared out of my fucking mind. Its so easy to blame everything on someone else, its a cowardly way but its what I did. Hell ive lost track of time now I think weve maybe been broken up longer than we even dated. Hes a really good guy and that didnt help. LOL You know what I mean.. You want the person to be an asshole so you can move on.. He could be the biggest asshole in the world and I would still miss him, because he reminds me of a time I felt good.. My business was still open, he and I had fun together and I was doin alright.. I was getting by. Now I dont even have $ to pay my rent.. Im struggling and not making it at all. So of course I long for thwe days that I felt good, and most recently that was with him. In my mind he is the one preventing me from feeling good again.. So I lash out in anger.

Ive been lashing out at him because Im scared and he isnt there to make me feel better.. or so I thought..But he is there for me. Ive just pushed him so far away.. I thought that Ive pushed him so far that we may never be friends again. So once again im gonna throw his business out there for everyone to know.. Hes been so supportive the last few days. I honestly dont know what I would have done without him. He isnt quite the person I would call in the middle of the night, although a couple nights ago I was tempted, I held back.

His friends probably wonder why he doesnt hate me.. Well if you wonder that then you probably dont really know him at all. You will probably never know the reasons he is even talking to me right now but ill just say compassion and concern are two of the qualities he holds that allow him to not hate me. Ive disappointed him and angered him and Im sure he has had his moments of nearly hating me..anyway I cant or wont speak for him.

If you are his friend on Twitter or Facebook please dont give him any grief over this. I think Ive done enough of that to last a lifetime. Instead give him a "virtual" hug for me. He deserves it. While youre at it I could use some hugs too
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