Monday, June 30, 2014

My Alanis Morissette Years

I guess I might need to explain what the title means.  Alanis was always dubbed "angry" and known as as the "Queen of alt-rock angst"

When I recently began blogging again I took a look at my past posts and WOW, I was an extremely angry and bitter person 4-5 years ago.  This all began around the same time my depression started.  I just didn't have any coping skills.  I had been "self medicating" with drugs and sex for so long, when I finally stopped using I didn't know what it meant to truly have a "normal" reaction to situations.  I would hang on to little things and make them in to HUGE issues for myself and others.  I would also take on the worlds problems on my shoulders.. War, politics, bullying, senseless acts of violence.  I felt responsible for everything.  I wasn't doing enough to help the world.  I felt helpless and hopeless and that made me feel very very angry.

I had actually gone through and hidden some of those blogs that were so awful, which you would think goes against everything I have ever felt about "if you cant stand by what you say, maybe you shouldn't have been saying anything in the first place."   Except for the fact I shouldn't have been saying these things in the first place, but I went back through and re-posted those posts.  It was a time in my life that I need to remember, a time in my live I never want to repeat.

Times haven't changed in the world, if anything they have gotten worse.  In the last few years I have been through a lot but it wasn't until this past January (2014) when I became very sick and spent quite a bit of time in the hospital getting well, surgery, and just finally feeling confident enough to live life agan. I emerged out of my dark cocoon a free and happy little butterfly once again.  Things still upset me but I have made a conscious decision to not participate in heated debates about politics, religion, and most other hot topics of the moment.  Even today I posted a couple of things about the SCOTUS decision on Obamacare and birth control.  I already regret posting those, but I have just decided not to participate in the debates happening.

When I find myself being treated badly by someone I simply remove them from the location where they place their soapbox, whether its real life or their online persona.

This morning a 12 year old boy (still allegedly) committed suicide while at Boy Scout camp here in San Diego.  My heart was broken.  These days I am concentrating my efforts on Mental Health issues.  Suicide prevention, reducing stigma for those who suffer from Mental Illness, this is my passion.   There have been times when someone has been so defiant in recognizing that depression means much more than just "having a bad day" that have made me angry but instead of fighting and arguing, I move on to the next person who is willing to be open minded, listen and make the effort to understand Mental Health.  Now the issues I face I dont approach in an angry manner.   I approach these situations with concern, love, sympathy and empathy.
This boy was 12 years old.  Our healthcare system is failing our youth in the area of Mental Health.

So the point I am trying to make here is Mental Health is just as important as physical health, they actually go hand in hand.  In those "Alanis" years I experienced I was physically frozen, not leaving the house for days, laying on the couch and sleeping on the couch for days.  Being angry all the time is exhausting. I have given up the Jagged Little Pill Alanis was presenting me and traded it in for many other pills, but they are working.  I rarely get angry anymore.  I have recently reached out to people I used to consider a Nemesis  to let them know I may not be an ally to them, but I'm no longer an aggressive foe.  Life has become so much easier for me, and great things are starting to happen for me.

Although my body doesn't show it right now, I feel light and as free as a butterfly.

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