My first day at City College

Woe is me, all summer long I was happy and free. Save my soul, the board of education took away my parole. I gotta go back, back, back to school again.

What a day! Up at 5:30 to catch the bus to take me to my first day of school!
I arrived about 30 minutes early in order to find my class on time. Political Science 102, The American Political System. I found my seat and settled in 5-10 minutes before class began. I was shocked at the amount of people that came in late. OK 8AM on the first day of school I can understand if you are 5, maybe 10 minutes late.. But half an hour?? Well Miss THANG pulls a chair up next to me and says "can you scoot down?" (I wanted to say) NO BITCH I CAINT!! I got here on time, I picked this aisle seat because I wanted it. But what I did say (politely) "no you can sit in the middle I was here on time so I could have my pick of where to sit".. Or as Sister Iona said.. (I'm paraphrasing here) "I aint in school to make friends, move your ass out of my way"

I really liked the Professor, hes been teaching 40 years and this is his last year before retirement so hes full of stories, and VERY ADD like me. I follow him perfectly. So far there are 3 or 4 cute BOYS in that class, one who is sorta "cubby", but yes they are all under 20 years old, Im guessing more like 18 or 19, fresh out of High School. Those of you that know me know how I feel about the young ones.

I have a 5.5 hour break between classes on Mon & Wed, which beginning next week will be fine, because I can go to the library and study and play on Facebook...I mean study. Today I came home to eat lunch. The bus ride is only about 30 minutes each way, if i were to drive it takes me about 15 minutes to get to City College but with the parking situation downtown I could drive around for 15-20 minutes looking for a parking spot that's blocks away from the school. It really is quicker to just take the bus.

Back to school to try and crash a math class (some people call it auditing a class) Technically I wasn't crashing because I was on the wait list for the class, I am #7 on the list. I got there early and sat front and center so she could see my smiling face! ( I may have even flirted a little, HELL I NEED THIS CLASS) When the instructor took role today there were 8 registered students not in class and 2 on the wait list, so I moved up to #5 on the wait list.. The instructor said if they aren't here on the first day I drop em!! Now if 8 registered students were absent and I am #5 on the list... Well lets just say that math I DO understand, however the instructor wont give out any add codes until the next class, so Im still not officially in yet.

I really hate math, or I should say the IDEA of math. Today the instructor went over some basic stuff and it all started coming back to me, I even asked a question that stumped her for a moment. I think I'll do well in this class. The instructor encouraged us to try to form study groups of 3-4 people, so after class the cute read head boy came up and introduced himself. His name is Sydney.

to be continued.....

I fall too fast, I think too much

So I've been hanging out with someone a little over a month or so. We dont say we're dating, we aren't boyfriends, we are just spending time together. Ive gotta say its been a great experience for me. Ive learned so many things about myself, self control, sharing, caring, not sharing too much, not caring too much, Paying him enough attention, but not paying him too much attention. There are a lot of unwritten rules when you aren't really dating someone. Its a great test for your confidence and self control. Going out dancing or to a bar with friends is always a new experience, I mean we don't hang on each other, we give each other space to "do our thing" but at times jealousy can creep in and you wanna punch the drunk guy tryin to make out with your date. Theres also been times where one of us feels like we were being "ignored" a little. But I just have to take a deep breath and remember hes arrived with me and hes leaving with me. Sometimes that's difficult for me, but I'm learning. Another thing we discussed early on was keeping things private. I'm sure he is sitting here reading this blog and CRINGING! However I think its become pretty obvious to people that we are hanging out together quite often.

And another thing,what do you call this person? We've gone over all the terms we DON'T like, but we haven't really come up with one that works. We started out saying cuddle buddies, then I jokingly started calling him my "Man-friend" which is cute and fun, but it also sounds to much like boyfriend. I asked the question on Twitter of what I should call him and I got a couple responses. One person said call him your friend, which he is but there are things we do together that I don't do with any of my other friends. Someone suggested just calling him by his name, but there are reasons that hasn't really worked either.

We communicate wonderfully, he isn't afraid to tell me things that he doesn't like when I do them, or give me his opinion when its different than mine, he is SO considerate to my friends and whats going on in their lives, and to me that's HUGE! He is very generous to me, especially with his time. OK I'm realizing I am starting to go on a little bit too much and its even makin me a little uneasy.

Ive been through a lot in the past year, its so nice to share some good times with a great guy! I cant ask for more nor do I need anything more right now. I have school starting in a couple of weeks and I will also have to find a part time job, Ill be lucky if I will be able to get to Baja Bettys on a regular basis, let alone have a lot of time to spend with my "man-friend", but if the desire to spend time together continues we will find a way. So far I think we've been on the same page with what we both want and need at this moment..

OK that's all for now.. I need a nap... (a real one this time)

What can I say.

I havent been blogging lately.. I have some stuff to get off my chest and some things brag about, some things to "work out", and feelings to share, but I have a need and a request to keep some things a little more private lately. Im glad I have good friends that will listen to me and talk it out with me..

Ill be back to y'all soon.. I just need to find the right "voice" to express my thoughts and feelings without saying too much

Hannah Montana should EAT CORN

THIS IS AN OLD OLD OLD BLOG I WROTE BACK IN THE MY SPACE DAYS... I DONT KNOW WHY I REALLY FELT THE NEED TO POST IT HERE BUT....

What the hell is happening? Maybe i watch the news too much? Maybe I care too much about Hannah Montana??

EAT CORN!

Gas is up.53 cents from last year but half of that increase just happened in the last 4 months. Unemployment is up with all the layoffs from major companies moving factory's and production overseas, home foreclosures are up 112% from a year ago, the bad news doesnt stop.

Y'all ready for this??
Maybe the biggest problem we are facing now is all because of corn.. Yep thats right CORN!! Ethanol fuel is made from corn, and farmers are getting government subsidies for growing corn. That means farmers are switching their existing fruit and veggie crops to corn. That means the supply of other "farm grown products" (fruit, veggies, beef, pork) is less but the demand is the same. so what does that mean?? Prices go up..

You would think that with all the corn being produced right now that any product derived from corn or corn products would be cheap... but they aint. . Almost 3,000 different products in the grocery store contain corn products, everything from adhesives to whiskey the farmers are growing all this corn for ethanol production, and that doesn't leave a lot left over for food products. so what did we just learn?? supply vs demand yeah yeah you got it

The price of corn tortillas is up 50% eggs are up 40%,(chickens eat corn) and the nearly 3,000 other items with corn are sure to see price increases soon.
Thank God I dont like corn.

The cost of hops has gone up 300 to 400 percent in the last 16 months.. talk about a tear in your beer!! i feel sorry for the rednecks that are not gonna be able to afford their Papst Blue Ribbon once prices go up.
Thank God I dont like Beer..

Hannah Montana

Miley Cyrus and her internet photos then the Vanity Fair Photos.. I had my doubts about the "green bra" photo that has been going around the internet. a look alike or Photoshop?? But then i remembered shes only 15 years old, log onto MySpace and look up 15 year old girls profiles you'll find a majority of them have slutty pictures in their bras or tight midriff t-shirts with ass crack showin. its what kids do.. get over it!! If Miley were flashing us her bathing suit top under her t-shirt would we be upset?

The Vanity Fair photos have come out and the photo the media is making a big deal about is shown on the left below here... I don't see the problem.. I'm trying to recall the famous painting that this photo resembles?? maybe by Rembrandt? Let me know if you know what painting I'm referring to. I was more disturbed by the photo of her and her father. It looks like a boyfriend/girlfriend pic.. But i remembered Billy Ray used to have a mullet and we all know that a
Mullet = Redneck, and well i don't have to tell y'all the rest. Draw your own conclusions.. Hannah Montana is still a good girl ,plus her dad says shes the best kisser hes ever had. Now I REALLY want to be Hannah Montana, Billy Ray Cyrus can definitely be my Daddy!!














When I see the story of Miley's photos on every channel even the evening news...
It makes me very happy cuz I think WOW the war must be over???

What goes up, must come down (My moods)

I cant believe its been so long since my last blog post.. There really has been a lot that has happened. All good stuff really. BUT tonight there is something on my mind and I gotta let it out.

This REALLY cute guy "showed up" on my Facebook friends list not too long ago. I really dont know how we became friends but based on his hotness level Im sure I was the one to send him a friend request. He comments and "likes" almost everything I post. Well this past week I was bold enough to invite him out to dinner before a movie night with friends, he agreed to meet up and I was both nervous and excited at the same time. Unfortunately he had some major issues at work and he had to postpone... Never once did I think it was an excuse or anything.. It all worked out for the best cuz that was the day I got sick at the Fair... I wasnt in the best state to be tryin to woo some stud..

ANYWAY tonight I went to Bacchus House for Bear night.. I had a blast hangin out with Trent & Lee, but this really cute guy walked by a couple of times and then finally he came up and said, "you look like Kurt".. Guess who it was? Yep, the really cute guy from Facebook.. BUT he was even cuter in person. Immediately I felt a little inadequate... Oh I guess I forgot to mention I was wearing a COOKIE MONSTER t-shirt.. Not the sexiest thing I could have worn.

He is handsome, fun, attentive, polite, etc etc.. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea that I was VERY interested in this guy. FINALLY he asked me to dance.. WHOA!!!just WHOA.. As we walked to the dance floor I made sure Errrryone of my friends saw me steppin on the dance floor wit him..

Heres where MY story starts to change.. This guy is so handsome and so sexy.. As soon as we hit the dance floor he takes his shirt off, he encourages me to do the same. SSSSCHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH... My mood went into the pits right away. I dont look my best right now.. I dont have the confidence to take my shirt off. Do I think I could WOW this guy at a dinner table with conversation and my charm? ABSOLUTLEY!! Am I gonna win him over with my shirt off on the dance floor? Prolly not. ALTHOUGH he did mention several times he REALLY likes furry guys, and Im one of the most furriest guys I know. The guys on the dance floor at Bear night were SO HOT, there WAS NO WAY I could compete with them (not that he ever made me think I was in a competition) ARRRGH why does my mind fuck with me like this??

All in all it was a great night...HOWEVER one of the last things he said to me, almost made me give up.. I think I asked him something like, are ya gonna give me a chance to go out with you? (something like that) and he replied Sure, BUT ya gotta move quick, you have about 2 weeks to make your move (i am paraphrasing) He went on to say something about only being single about a month between relationships and hes been single for 2 weeks...... Ya know a few months ago or a year ago I would have just said oh fuck it.. he obviously isnt the right guy for me..and he may or may not be.. But ya never know til ya try... AND besides I did try to go out with him LAST week.... so shouldnt he be adding a week to my "deadline"????

Coming out of my cocoon

Cleaning is something I used to be fanatical about, my place always used to be sparkling clean, but after I became depressed back in October, its something I just didnt care about anymore, But maybe I am coming out from under my dark cloud a little bit. I have been making an effort to clean up my little apartment the past couple of weeks. Last week I had to go and get a bunch of stuff out of an old friends garage that I had stored there for quite a few months, Ive had to temporarily absorb a lot of this stuff into my place until I sell it or store it somewhere else. I started to clean my kitchen today (hopefully I will finish) Tomorrow I hope to get my bedroom cleaned up enough to sleep in my bed, I havent done so in over a month and I think thats why Im not sleeping so well. Now dont get the wrong idea, its not that my place is full of filth, its just cluttered. I havent been putting my clean laundry away, its just been on the bed, and some of the "stored" stuff is in the bedroom now as well. My place is really tiny, so it gets cluttered VERY easily.

I signed up for school today! I just signed up online, I still have to meet with a counselor, take the assessment tests, pick classes, etc But Its something I am really excited about. I still dont have a clue as to what I am going to do, but I need to get the general stuff out of the way first anyway so I have a little time to figure that out. I was actually giddy about it today, dancing around my apartment a little bit! I hope this all works out for me because I REALLY want this..

Last week 3 different friends made it a point to tell me that I seem a lot more positive in person, and my posts on Facebook have been more positive as well. I cant tell you how much that meant to me. I havent really been working on appearing positive but theres a few things that I think I can credit for the change.

#1 I think finally I have the right dosage and combination of anti-depressants, I dont think most people realize how difficult it is to find the right balance, and each time you make a change it can take anywhere from 2-4 weeks for the change to truly take effect.

#2 Ive also "removed" some negativity from my life; people, situations, etc.
Sometimes you dont really realize how negative or "nagging" someone is until you arent around them anymore.. Or maybe I just got to a point where I had heard enough people bitching about nothing and I was starting to realize it, and wasnt being so nice about it anymore....enough about that.

#3 I have realized that alcohol has played a big part in some of the drama that has happened with friends. Judgment, emotions, and reactions all get distorted with alcohol. I honestly have to say when I am drinking Im pretty happy and fun, I may get a bit annoying, but I dont fight or get mad or sensitive. If I am wrong about this I hope someone will remind me and call me out on it, but Im pretty sure I dont get all "crazy" when Im drinking. (unless you call "getting sick" on the side of a building crazy) Sorry Urban Mo's!!

I think some people dont consider that alcohol affects you NOT just the day or night you are drinking, but the effects can continue for a couple days after. I was talking with a friend about this recently and he said that he is more emotional or depressed the following day after drinking. So if you are drinking 3 or 4 days a week, that pretty much means you arent in your "right mind" too often.

Ive not gone out at certain times when I know there is gonna be too many friends together drinking, just to avoid any exposure to drama or uncomfortable situations. There have been just a few "dramatic episodes" that I have heard of, certainly no where near the amount of times I have stayed home trying to avoid it all, but I think trying to remove myself from it is a good move on my part.

Last week I enjoyed a great night out with friends for dinner Spaghetti and Show tunes and no one drank and we had plenty of fun! Now please I dont want to come across as hypocritical, anyone that knows me knows I LOVE my Baja Betty's margaritas and my Jack & Coke I'm just finding better more positive ways to enjoy myself when I am out with friends.. Smaller groups of the RIGHT people, less often, for shorter periods of time when alcohol is involved.
As two friends of mine Top Chef Rich Sweeney (yeah I just name dropped) and Gooster used to say K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid)

Can we talk?

I believe if you look hard enough for something you will find it. That goes for happiness, sadness, drama..everything. If you have it in your mind that someone is a certain way, you will find something to support that feeling whether it is true or not. If you are easily influenced by others thoughts and feelings about a situation or person, you will also 'look" for a reason to have those same feelings.


Yesterday my friend Chris posted this on Facebook and it got me thinking...

Not only do we avoid focusing on ourselves when we gossip, but our disrespect for others reinforces self-defeating attitudes about relationships. - Anonymous :-)


As I said on Facebook yesterday my Blog is somewhere that I express my feelings and experiences. It is NOT a place where I gossip. I share MY feelings and thoughts. I dont even know if people read it. So is that considered gossip? When you have a direct conversation with people and you are talking about someone else THAT might be considered gossip. Have I talked about other people before? Absolutely!! Everyone does, but few are big enough to admit it. And if you think people arent talking about you, well my dears you are clearly delusional... This is a lesson I have learned time and time again. They maybe laughing and joking with you one day, but the next they might just be laughing about you with someone else.

I would be lying if I said I didnt worry about what people think of me or what they maybe saying. I admitted to that as being my biggest fault. At least I am aware of it and I try hard not to let it get to me.

Heres a few things you might want to think about or consider.

When did you stop thinking for yourself? Are you that easily influenced? What is your motivation for thinking the way you do? Are you a fair weather friend? Do you jump on the band wagon? Are you better than someone else? Do you have issues or problems you ignore but you concentrate on other peoples shortcomings? Maybe you have other motivations for doing what you do? Does that make you right or wrong? Does that make me right or wrong?

Self-defeating attitudes about relationships.... That says A LOT!!!