Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Sometimes I Feel Numb

I don't know if its because I have been through so many life changing events in the past two years or if I'm on some super strong prescription drugs (or maybe both)   I seem to not be affected by things the same way people around me are, at times I feel like I have a big ol cold heart.

Recently a close friend died and while most everyone was overcome with emotion standing beside his bed as he was slowly fading away, I only cried a little bit.  There are certain things I think about from that day and I get a little choked up.   When my mother died I never cried in front of her during the time I was caring for her, but even afterwards I only "lost it" once privately at home.  Of course on the inside I was on an emotional roller coaster after mom died, ending with a suicide attempt about 3 months later.  But even that wasn't emotional, it was something I had been planning for months.  It was calculated carefully.  I was out with friends and had such a fun night I decided that night was as good of night as any to pass "peacefully in my sleep"

Last night I went to a friends house to watch The Normal Heart and I was prepared to be an emotional mess.  So many people that had seen it prior to me warned me how much they cried and how sad it was.  I didn't feel the emotional part at all.  It made me a little angry at times, but to me it was a story we have known about for years.  Maybe I was expecting something different, or then again maybe I've become desensitized to tragedy?  Even though I didn't come out until the early 90s I had plenty of friends die from AIDS so I know the pain.

On the flip side there are certain things I see on television and I bawl mt eyes out.  You show me a video of a military father coming home and surprising his children and i fall out.  I tend to get more emotional over happy things, Ill shed tears of joy way before tears of  sadness.

Have I built up a wall?  I came from the generation that "boys don't cry" is that part of my sometimes cold exterior?   I have helped countless people and dozens of charities over the years so I know I am both sympathetic and empathetic.  So whats the deal?

Well, I guess I know the topic for this weeks therapy session.
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