Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Biding my Time

It's a difficult thing being sick before New Years and your 46th Birthday right around the corner.  All I can do is lay here and think.   I will be 50 soon and where am I?

I had a very bumpy road in 2012 and 2013.  The illness and death of my mother in 2012 caused me a great mental and physical breakdown in 2013.  Then 2014 came along and things started going my way, at least I was in a much better state of mind and my health has never been better.  I got back to volunteering, I found a new passion in the Mental Health field, friends were coming around again, and I had high hopes that I would be reentering the workforce in a job that I have great passion for.

Well 2014 is gone now and I'm still sick in bed just waiting for my birthday to come around...   That's about it.  I don't know what my next move is.  I took the winter months off from volunteering at the LGBT Center, its what I did last year, its just something I do for myself.  I still have some work to do with Auntie Helen's.   But no job yet, and no new prospects in sight if this opportunity Ive ben hoping for since July doesn't come through.

So many things have crossed my mind.  I have had a handful or more of friends leave San Diego and  have greater opportunities and better lives.  I think about relocating, I think about it a lot.  But how does someone that is closer to 50 than he is to 40 just pick up and move and start an entirely new life. Unless you are in the witness protection program or  in the FBI it's got to be extremely difficult.

Back at the end of 2009 I inadvertently started a new life.  Not the life I entirely wanted, but a change was needed.  The best thing that came out of that change was ending my drug use.  It was also the beginning of my Mental Health issues revealing itself to me.

My drive and ambition has wained a bit.  How do you explain a 5 year gap in your resume?
"oh after I closed my business my mommy paid all my bills and I have been on disability"

Im scared there I said it. Im scared, Im stuck, I don't see that light at the end of the tunnel.

  Most people my age are closer to retirement, not starting over completely.  I need to have a job.   Ive always been lucky and had jobs I either REALLY REALLY liked or that were my passion.  Now it looks like I may join the millions of people that go to work each day hating their job.

I got some soup yesterday from the Chinese restaurant and this morning I opened the fortune cookie, inside the fortune read;  "Keep a cool head and bide your time: a chance is bound to come."

I remember my mother, who in her sixties went back to school and got her real estate license and made buttloads of money right up into her 70's.  Mom was sort of like Madonna, she reinvented herself many times in her life.  Where did she get that self confidence? Why didn't I inherit it?

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

 So this is normal?  Or not entirely unusual I guess?   I've seen some Facebook friends struggle finding jobs all over the country, and they don't seem to be nearly as particular as I am, Im sure they don't have a s many opportunities as I do.

So Im going back to bed for now, when this cold decides to leave my body I'll figure all this out I hope.   I think its just a continuation of my midlife crisis.
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