Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Lonliness coming back to haunt me

For those of you that know me, or if you've been following my blog for a few years you'll remember that Ive suffered through some rough times with depression. You may have thought I was "losing my mind" over a breakup or one specific person, etc etc. The fact is my depression has always been based on my fear of dying alone.

I know I know, I have tons of people around me to reach out to and I have a great small circle of real life true friends, but the fact is Ive always wanted to have that one person that would be there for me until "the end" I'm very lucky because I have a super close relationship with my mother, and she has always been the first person I call with good news or bad. We have seen each other through some very rough times in our lives, and soon she will be gone.

When I found out my Mom had cancer I started going back to therapy on a weekly basis, I thought it would be good to process some of my feelings before my mother passes. Problem is, I have completely shut down my emotions. Right now I am the full time care giver for my mother and I am doing whatever needs to be done. In other words I am keeping myself so busy I don't give myself time to stop and think about things too much.

This past week was the first time I got teary eyed in therapy because I finally let myself think about what I might do when my Mom dies. Since I don't have that special someone to lean on, and my mom wont be around for me to lean on, the logical person to go to is my best friend. Unfortunately my best friend Cheri moved to Michigan. That's when I broke down in my therapist's office. What will I do? Who will be there for me when all I want to do is cry? Who will sit with me in the silence? I worry about these things because of my past battles with depression, and I know my friends are very concerned as well. The darkest moments I have had in the past few years are the moments when I think about how I will die alone. Does that sound like I'm Catastrophizing a little bit or what? Since Cheri lives thousands of miles away, and I'm not in a relationship I'm certain (in my mind) I will be alone for one of the most difficult moments in my life. And I just keep trying to ignore it. Cheri has offered to come back home when I need her, the problem is, I don't know when that will be, and I certainly dont want to have to think about it before I have to. I need to stay strong right now for my Mom. If she saw me lose it right now it would break her heart, and she would try to hold on to stay here with me to make sure I'm OK. She needs to believe I am OK so she can be free to pass. SO I have to keep a brave face on and only break down in private for now.

Writing this helped get some stuff out there and off my chest.. Im also open to anyone's suggestions on how to handle myself when my mom is gone.
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