Interview Someone You Love About Life

In my life I have had 3 family members die from Cancer.  My Grandmother, my Great Aunt, and my Mother.  I was able to spend time with all 3 of them before they died, and yes looking back there are things I wish I had asked them before they passed.   When you are going through this time you don't think to ask important questions, and you don't want to burden them with having to answer family "mysteries".  I was a typical kid, always asking questions, being nosy, etc. But I wish I had asked the important things.  My mom had a lot of secrets, some of them I have shared, some of them I am just now learning about and will share in the future.

I came across this list recently and I thought how wonderful it would have been to document these things, or at least just ask these questions to someone you love.

Someday it will be too late, and you will wish you knew more of these things.

1. What comes to mind when you think about growing up in [hometown]?

2. What did you love to do as a kid, before high school?

3. What did you love to do in high school?

4. What do remember most about your teenage years?

5. What do you remember most about your mom (grandma)?

6. What was most important to her?

7. What do you remember most about your dad (grandpa)?

8. What was most important to him?

9. If grandma and grandpa had a message to you and their grandchildren, what do you think it is?

10. How did you meet [spouse] and know (s)he was the one?

11. How did you choose your career and what was your favorite part about it?

12. What made you successful at work?

13. What did you believe about yourself that helped you become successful and deal with hard times?

14. What times in your life truly “tested your mettle,” and what did you learn about yourself by dealing (or not dealing) with them?

15. What three events most shaped your life?

16. What do you remember about when each of us was born?

17. Were you ever scared to be a parent?

18. What three words would you say represented your approach to parenting and why?

19. When you think about [sibling] how would you describe him?

20. What message do you have for [sibling] that you want him to always keep in mind?

[Do the last two questions above for each sibling in your family]

21. When you think about [spouse], how would you describe her/him?

22. What message do you have for [spouse] that you want her/him to always keep in mind?

23. What three words would you say best describe who you tried to be in life and how you want to be remembered?

24. When they think about their careers, what do you want your children to focus on?

25. What have you learned about other people in life? (Trustworthy, kind or not and mean)?

26. What do you think the world needs more of right now?

27. What do you believe people want the most in life?

28. What were the three best decisions you’ve ever made?

29. What are you most proud of in life?

30. What were five of the most positive moments of your life?

31. What message would you like to share with your family?

32. What are you most thankful for?

Questions from Brendon Burchard

For all the lovely ladies in my life!

The strongest people I know have always been women.   When I say that I think to myself,  is that a little misogynistic?   Do I think women are supposed to be weak therefore I think they are strong when they are just like anyone else?
I certainly don't mean it that way.   I've always had better relationships with women.


Of course, this starts with my mother, anyone that knows anything about me knows I was and still am a mama's boy.  Even before I was born my mother had been through a lot as a very young woman.  We spent more time together than my father, and I did.  Mom and I had a very strong bond that even in death has not been broken.  She often comes to me in my dreams to comfort me or even fight and argue with me.

My Great Aunt Goldie, she was like my nanny when I was very young.  She is the one that taught me not to say yeah, and please,  thank you and that ain't ain't a word, to respect my elders and other little life lessons.  Her sister my Grandma Ruby, now she was a broad, a tough broad.   She too faced difficult times in her first marriage, but she got out.  She had to see her only child; my father die before her, something a parent should never have to endure. Her second husband Grandpa Harry had Alzheimers and that really took a toll on Grandma.

Most all of my friends in high school were girls SHOCKER RIGHT?  Maybe it's a gay boy thing but Ive always gotten along better with women.

I've had mostly female bosses, my first job when I was barely 16; I worked for Arlene Gellerman.  Arlene brought out the creative and artistic abilities within me, taught me about Jewish traditions, and some of the fun Yiddish words, and yes she even enforced some of the stereotypes of Jewish people.  I would sit and talk with Arlene for hours, even when I wasn't working.  There was Roberta Tripoli, who was my second boss then eventual roommate.  Karen Korpi, who was my mentor in the day spa industry, I worked for her at Murad then she went on to become the Vice President of the Spa Division for Ritz Carlton Hotels.

My best friend for many years Cheri…well I suppose you can guess she's a girl too, now she's more like my sister because we get on each others damn nerves sometimes.

Now I gotta tell you about Mynde.  Ive written a blog about Mynde before, talk about tough!   Often she is the first person I call or text with news that I once would have called mom to share with first.   I've also learned that just because someone is strong for themselves doesn't mean they have enough strength for everyone all the time.  But Mynde pushes through and is always there for anyone that needs her.   Mynde's mother Carol recently lost her son.  Again a parent should never have to out live their children.  Carol and I aren't super close, but I have to say from my perspective she has been pretty tough throughout her son's illness and now his passing.

Not only is Tina Turner my all time favorite singer in all the land, but she is so inspirational and has such a peaceful state of mind.  From her childhood all through her adult life she endured many obstacles, even being homeless for a very short time.  She was stripped of her dignity and stuck in a marriage with a man that regularly abused her.  But she got OUT!  She transformed herself into the Queen of Rock and Roll!
Her music career has changed over the years and the work she does now is even more inspiring to me.  It brings me peace and balance through Buddhist, Hindu and Christian music and prayer mantras

I imagine we all have our breaking point.  I don't know that my mother would have ever been the same if I had passed before her.  The list of tradgedies  my mother faced in her life is too long to list here.   I imagine if she lost me that would have been her breaking point.   Im glad I lived to hold her hand as she took her last breath.  I finally got to be the strong one for her.

So here's to all the lovely ladies in my life, if you were not mentioned here, it doesn't mean you aren't on my mind, it just means I need more coffee.

XO

'Tis the Season

Anyone that knows me or is even familiar with my story knows that the holidays are difficult for me.

Historically its right around this time of year my depression grabs hold and takes over.  I have spent 2 or 3 Thanksgivings in a Psychiatric hospital.  Yes, I can't even remember the exact amount of times I have had Thanksgiving dinner in the hospital.

This time of the year my depression is triggered by being alone. Even before my mother died I had been hospitalized I always joked that it was her bad cooking on Thanksgiving that caused me to avoid being home for dinner.  I know many of you may be shaking your head wondering how in the hell can Kurt feel lonely?  I have dozens of people that I could count on to "rescue" me from spending a day alone at home.  But as I always say, I long to have that special someone with to share the holidays.  We could eat hamburgers and onion rings, and I would be just as happy.

I have a few invites for Thanksgiving dinner this year; I've also thought about volunteering to feed those less fortunate at my LGBT Community Center.  I haven't made a decision on what I will be doing that day, at this point I just think of it like any other day, no big deal to me...  I haven't cared about Thanksgiving for almost ten years.  It just isn't an important holiday to me, I always asked mom why with her Native American background we celebrated Thanksgiving.  The only problem is I LOVE to eat!  This year I imagine I'll be having 2 Thanksgiving dinners, one tomorrow; the week before Thanksgiving for my roommate's HIV support group, and one on Thanksgiving Day wherever I land.  One of the difficult things about having multiple invites is you have to turn down some of those invites.  I hate to do that to friends, so sometimes I just feel that staying home is the best way out of that situation.

Christmas..  That's a different story for me.  Over the last several years, I have gotten used to the fact that Christmas is not what it used to be for my family.  I wrote about it in this blog titled "Christmas Memories".  Still in my current financial situation gifts are not something I can even attempt to buy, not even for the people that are closest to me and do the most for me.  Luckily I have found some unused Christmas cards of my mothers and cards I never used that I can send to friends.  I think Ill write some personal letters or blog posts about some friends telling them what they mean to me as a gift.  My feelings and love are all I can share.

Recently I was asked to give a presentation to a group about "Holiday Blues" It's a difficult time of the year for many people.  If you have an extra few dollars this year, there are things you can do to help.  Send a friend a handwritten holiday card, or if you have an extra place at the dinner table, if there is anyway you can include a friend that may be feeling lonely, sometimes just being invited can change the way someone feels about the holidays.  But also keep in mind that there are times that people do just want to be alone on these days.  It never hurts to pick up the phone to check in with someone.

I have lost three friends this past year, and I think about their family members who will have an empty space at their table this holiday season.  I am truly fortunate to have such caring friends.  So wherever I decide to land this year, I will be thinking about David, Doug and Robert and each of their loved ones.

Holiday Blues aka Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional or a licensed mental health therapist!

While I have provided some of the best ways to treat the “Holiday Blues / SAD naturally, it must be understood that depression is a serious condition – if in doubt always seek professional medical advice.

Do the holidays get you down?  May gay men report feeling sad during this time of year, as the all-too-familiar pain of strained family relations and lack of an intimate relationship can come bubbling to the surface.  And with the shortened daylight, gloomy sky, and cold weather outside beckoning us to stay indoors, we can often become hermit-like, inviting feelings of loneliness and, ultimately, depression.  Even those of us who typically enjoy our alone time can feel that it’s just too much to handle at times, especially when we log onto Facebook and see others having great times at parties, gatherings, and other holiday celebrations.

What are the Symptoms?

There are several symptoms associated with SAD but here are the most common ones:

o Fatigue

o Unrealistic expectations

o Feeling bombarded by over-commercialization

o Strained relationship issues that surface when families get together

o Reminders of past losses of significant loved ones

o Sadness over the contrast between "now" and "then"

o Adapting to changes in family configurations and logistics for celebrating together caused by such new situations as divorce, marriage, blended families, adolescents who no longer celebrate the holidays as "children," and grown children establishing their own independent holiday traditions

o Financial constraints and demands

o The inability to be with friends and family

o Residue stress from unfortunate past experiences during previous holiday seasons

o Tension caused by the additional demands of shopping in holiday crowds, heavier-than-usual traffic, entertaining, holiday baking, long-distance travel, family reunions and/or houseguests

How to combat these feelings

Keep your expectations for the holiday season manageable:

Be realistic about what you can and cannot do-as well as what you want to do and don't want to do. Although the holidays often mean trying to fit a lot of activities into a short period of time, pace yourself and, to the degree it's possible, try not to place your entire focus on just one day (e.g., Thanksgiving Day, Christmas morning, New Year's Eve), instead, remember it's an entire season of holiday sentiment and that activities can be spread out (time-wise) to help increase enjoyment and lessen stress. Set realistic goals for yourself; make a list and prioritize

Limit predictable sources of stress: If you feel the annual trappings of shopping, decorating, cooking and attending social events risk becoming overwhelming and stressful, use discretion and limit the activities you commit to.

Remember the holiday season does not banish reasons for feeling sad or lonely: During the holiday season, there's room for feelings such as sadness and/or loneliness to be present along with other more joyful emotions. You may be feeling out of sorts and periodically out of sync with the season's "jollier" aspects. When you feel down, avoid critical self-perceptions, such as thinking of yourself as Scrooge and, instead, try to articulate the understanding you need from those around you. You might also consider seeking the help of a therapist to help you sort out your feelings and deal with the troubling issues.

Don't fall prey to commercial hype: Advertisers would like to have you believe that "if you really loved someone " you'd give him or her that expensive new gadget or piece of jewelry.  Recognize the ads and commercials as hype that manufacturers and stores have to do to benefit optimally from the season. You can show love and caring in lots of thoughtful ways which don't cost a lot and that make the holidays all the more meaningful and personal.

Get together with friends in any way possible:  As much as possible, share the holidays with friends and family members by phone, e-mail, and mail, as well as in person. The holiday season can also be a good time to contact someone you have not heard from for awhile.   Spend time with special friends and family members with whom you can reminisce and share stories and warm memories about your loved one.

Don't abandon healthful habits: Don't feel pressured to eat more than you're accustomed to just because it's the holiday season. And, since many of the season's parties and social gatherings include alcohol, be aware that excessive drinking will only contribute to or increase feelings of overwhelm or depression. Alcohol is NOT an antidepressant and, in fact, often worsens mood.

Make the time to get physical exercise: Exercising, for example, aerobics, walking, skiing, hiking, yoga, or swimming, can help burn away a lot of stress as well as the extra calories of holiday meals.

Remember that life brings changes: As families change and grow, traditions often need to adapt to the new configurations. While you can hold onto certain family rituals, for instance, a certain holiday activity or preparing a long-cherished family recipe, some traditions, such as everyone gathering at your house, may not be possible this year. Each holiday season is different and can be enjoyed in its own way. Don't set yourself up for disappointment by comparing this year's holiday season with the nostalgia of past holidays.

Engage in volunteer activity: Helping others is a pretty foolproof method of making the holidays feel more meaningful. There are many volunteer organizations that need extra help during this time of year.

Attend holiday community events: Most communities offer special events during the holidays, such as theatrical and orchestral performances, that can be enjoyable to look forward to and to attend.

Enjoy activities that are free: Financial strain can be the cause of considerable added stress during the holidays; however, there are many ways of enjoying the season that are free

Nightmare on Normal Street

Hillcrest’s one and only Halloween street party is taking place on October 25, 2014. Join us if you dare for a scare! This spooky celebration will take place on Normal Street between University Ave. and Harvey Milk Street. The events of the evening will include ‘fang-tastic’ live entertainment and spine chilling décor! New this year, Nightmare on Normal Street will feature an all ages fright zone and soda bar.

The evening’s chills and thrills include:

• Rich’s Night Club, Grand Stage with headliner Dj Nikno

• A costume competition

• Multiple fright zones brought to you by different local Hillcrest businesses

• Food trucks

• An over 21 area on the street and an all ages area

Tickets are on sale now and just $10 for general admission. Eat, drink and be scary with all you can drink “witch’s brew” and complimentary food with purchase of a $50 VIP ticket (must be over 21 to purchase). Proceeds for the evening will support the San Diego LGBT Community Center and the Hillcrest Business Improvement Association. Get your tickets at: http://fabuloushillcrest.com/events/nightmare-on-normal-street.

Or on Facebook search for Nightmare on Normal Street

Scott Carlson Thanksgiving Dinner

Thursday, November 27at 11:30am - 3:00pm

The San Diego LGBT Community Center

3909 Centre St, San Diego, California 92103

The Thanksgiving Community Dinner was started by HIV/AIDS activist Scott Carlson back in the early ‘80s to provide a communal gathering for people living with HIV/AIDS during Thanksgiving to share a meal and spend time with people who cared.  When Carlson passed away, the community banded together and continued this tradition.  In 2004, the Imperial Court, along with the First Unitarian Universalist Church, took over the lead role of securing the continuation of this wonderful tradition and named the event as the Scott Carlson Thanksgiving Community Dinner in his Carlson’s honor.

Balboa Park December Nights: Dec. 5 & 6 2014

Balboa Park December Nights, the nation’s premier holiday festival, will take place for the 36th consecutive year on Friday, Dec. 5, 3-11pm, and Saturday, Dec. 6, noon-11pm. As always, the event brings families and friends together to spread holiday joy, learn more about the cultural value of Balboa Park and kick-off the “most wonderful time of the year.”

Participating Balboa Park museums open their doors free of charge from 5-9 pm both evenings and more than 350,000 visitors are expected to experience the joy of San Diego’s largest free community festival. Those who attend will participate in a truly multicultural experience, enjoying food, music and entertainment from around the world.

Home For the Holidays   December 6^th  5-8 PM

'Home for the Holidays' brings our community together to dance, eat and celebrate our diverse holiday traditions with 'family' away from home. More than 20 community organizations will come together to put on a holiday celebration for the entire San Diego LGBT community and our allies. All are welcome. The event is free, but guests are asked to bring a new, unwrapped toy to support the Imperial Court de San Diego's annual toy drive. For more information, contact Carolina Ramos at cramos@thecentersd.org or 619.692.2077 x116.

“Alternative but sometimes useful therapies”

SEEING THE LIGHT!

The #1 recommended therapy to combat the holiday blues and SAD is light therapy.

That means different things to people in different parts of our country.

Here in San Diego we are fortunate to have some sunny fall and even winter days. 

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM!

Light plays an important role in our health and the amount of time exposed to it affects our performance. As the sun begins to rise in the morning the light that makes its way through our eyelids is recognized by the pineal in our brain. This gland secretes a chemical called serotonin and reduces the production of a chemical called melatonin. Melatonin is the hormone that our body produces to help us sleep, while serotonin regulates our mood and energy. Serotonin and melatonin work together in managing important aspects of our physiology. Immunity, pain, digestion, sleep/wake cycle, body temperature, blood pressure, blood clotting, and daily body rhythms are all affected by serotonin and melatonin. The shortage of light in the winter is what affects our hormonal balance causing the wintertime blues. That is why it is important to expose ourselves to a good amount of bright light.

THE FOLLOWING SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN WITHOUT FIRST CHECKING WITH YOUR DOCTOR!!!!!!!

St John's Wort (Hypericum) Tincture

St John's wort is now commonly known as the alternative anti-depressant and is highly effective in combating some of the symptoms associated with SAD. The one you are most likely to come across is A.Vogel's Hypericum Tincture, of which it is recommended you take 20 drops twice a day with water. 

St John's wort contains hypericin, which "interferes with monoamine oxidase (MAO), which contributes to depression. Pharmaceutical products also act as MAO inhibitors, but St John's wort is a slow treatment, and, crucially, has few side effects."

It is also used to treat nervous depression and can help with sleep and your body's absorption of nutrients, helping to restore vitality and wellbeing. While it provides a generally safe alternative to drugs such as Prozac, side-effects may a affect a very small proportion of people including diarrhea and skin sensitivity to the sun.

Try SAM-e (S-Adenosyl-L-Methionine). This naturally occurring bodily compound helps produce and regulate hormones, including the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine; low levels of these are associated with depression. Dr. Howard recommends taking 400 to 800 milligrams daily. Brands that passed independent tests for potency, conducted by ConsumerLab.com, include GNC, Natrol, and NutraLife. St. John's wort, which has been touted as a SAD remedy, doesn't seem to be effective for relieving seasonal affective disorder, Dr. Howard notes.

Take a fish oil supplement with at least 600 milligrams of combined EPA/DHA daily.

Take 500 milligrams of vitamin C three to four times a day with plenty of water, and a B-complex vitamin.