Biding my Time

It's a difficult thing being sick before New Years and your 46th Birthday right around the corner.  All I can do is lay here and think.   I will be 50 soon and where am I?

I had a very bumpy road in 2012 and 2013.  The illness and death of my mother in 2012 caused me a great mental and physical breakdown in 2013.  Then 2014 came along and things started going my way, at least I was in a much better state of mind and my health has never been better.  I got back to volunteering, I found a new passion in the Mental Health field, friends were coming around again, and I had high hopes that I would be reentering the workforce in a job that I have great passion for.

Well 2014 is gone now and I'm still sick in bed just waiting for my birthday to come around...   That's about it.  I don't know what my next move is.  I took the winter months off from volunteering at the LGBT Center, its what I did last year, its just something I do for myself.  I still have some work to do with Auntie Helen's.   But no job yet, and no new prospects in sight if this opportunity Ive ben hoping for since July doesn't come through.

So many things have crossed my mind.  I have had a handful or more of friends leave San Diego and  have greater opportunities and better lives.  I think about relocating, I think about it a lot.  But how does someone that is closer to 50 than he is to 40 just pick up and move and start an entirely new life. Unless you are in the witness protection program or  in the FBI it's got to be extremely difficult.

Back at the end of 2009 I inadvertently started a new life.  Not the life I entirely wanted, but a change was needed.  The best thing that came out of that change was ending my drug use.  It was also the beginning of my Mental Health issues revealing itself to me.

My drive and ambition has wained a bit.  How do you explain a 5 year gap in your resume?
"oh after I closed my business my mommy paid all my bills and I have been on disability"

Im scared there I said it. Im scared, Im stuck, I don't see that light at the end of the tunnel.

  Most people my age are closer to retirement, not starting over completely.  I need to have a job.   Ive always been lucky and had jobs I either REALLY REALLY liked or that were my passion.  Now it looks like I may join the millions of people that go to work each day hating their job.

I got some soup yesterday from the Chinese restaurant and this morning I opened the fortune cookie, inside the fortune read;  "Keep a cool head and bide your time: a chance is bound to come."


I remember my mother, who in her sixties went back to school and got her real estate license and made buttloads of money right up into her 70's.  Mom was sort of like Madonna, she reinvented herself many times in her life.  Where did she get that self confidence? Why didn't I inherit it?

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test and don't ask why

It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

 So this is normal?  Or not entirely unusual I guess?   I've seen some Facebook friends struggle finding jobs all over the country, and they don't seem to be nearly as particular as I am, Im sure they don't have a s many opportunities as I do.

So Im going back to bed for now, when this cold decides to leave my body I'll figure all this out I hope.   I think its just a continuation of my midlife crisis.

'Tis the Season

Anyone that knows me or is even familiar with my story knows that the holidays are difficult for me.

Historically its right around this time of year my depression grabs hold and takes over.  I have spent 2 or 3 Thanksgivings in a Psychiatric hospital.  Yes, I can't even remember the exact amount of times I have had Thanksgiving dinner in the hospital.

This time of the year my depression is triggered by being alone. Even before my mother died I had been hospitalized I always joked that it was her bad cooking on Thanksgiving that caused me to avoid being home for dinner.  I know many of you may be shaking your head wondering how in the hell can Kurt feel lonely?  I have dozens of people that I could count on to "rescue" me from spending a day alone at home.  But as I always say, I long to have that special someone with to share the holidays.  We could eat hamburgers and onion rings, and I would be just as happy.

I have a few invites for Thanksgiving dinner this year; I've also thought about volunteering to feed those less fortunate at my LGBT Community Center.  I haven't made a decision on what I will be doing that day, at this point I just think of it like any other day, no big deal to me...  I haven't cared about Thanksgiving for almost ten years.  It just isn't an important holiday to me, I always asked mom why with her Native American background we celebrated Thanksgiving.  The only problem is I LOVE to eat!  This year I imagine I'll be having 2 Thanksgiving dinners, one tomorrow; the week before Thanksgiving for my roommate's HIV support group, and one on Thanksgiving Day wherever I land.  One of the difficult things about having multiple invites is you have to turn down some of those invites.  I hate to do that to friends, so sometimes I just feel that staying home is the best way out of that situation.

Christmas..  That's a different story for me.  Over the last several years, I have gotten used to the fact that Christmas is not what it used to be for my family.  I wrote about it in this blog titled "Christmas Memories".  Still in my current financial situation gifts are not something I can even attempt to buy, not even for the people that are closest to me and do the most for me.  Luckily I have found some unused Christmas cards of my mothers and cards I never used that I can send to friends.  I think Ill write some personal letters or blog posts about some friends telling them what they mean to me as a gift.  My feelings and love are all I can share.

Recently I was asked to give a presentation to a group about "Holiday Blues" It's a difficult time of the year for many people.  If you have an extra few dollars this year, there are things you can do to help.  Send a friend a handwritten holiday card, or if you have an extra place at the dinner table, if there is anyway you can include a friend that may be feeling lonely, sometimes just being invited can change the way someone feels about the holidays.  But also keep in mind that there are times that people do just want to be alone on these days.  It never hurts to pick up the phone to check in with someone.

I have lost three friends this past year, and I think about their family members who will have an empty space at their table this holiday season.  I am truly fortunate to have such caring friends.  So wherever I decide to land this year, I will be thinking about David, Doug and Robert and each of their loved ones.

I am A Survivor of Suicide

I tried to end my life one night after having a wonderful fun-filled evening with friends.  It was in November 2012 — I had a plan in place for months. Not one person had any idea what I was planning to do.  

After a series of life-changing events that began in 2009 and included the closing my once- successful business of nine years, and culminated with the death of my mother in August 2012 life just seemed unbearable to me. My finances were a mess. My health wasn’t great. And I couldn’t make a romantic relationship last more than a few months.   

Life just sucked!  So I thought about every option I could end my life and finally decided on a plan that I could carry through with that wasn’t violent, or that wouldn’t bring harm to innocent bystanders.  I remember coming home and getting everything in place to follow through with my plan. I’m sure you’re wondering what my plan was, but I would never want to put any ideas in someone’s head that was considering harming themselves. Once I was finished, I remember taking out the trash, grabbing my cat, and laying on my couch with the cat on my chest, unable to stop crying until I fell asleep.  

Of course with the recent suicide of Robin Williams, countless articles have been written, news stories have flooded television for days, and now the news media are onto the next sensationalistic story. So I wanted to share my experience and acknowledge that I am a survivor of suicide. That sounds…I don’t know…kind of dramatic.  

But there is something about creating a plan, going through with it, and the result not being what’s anticipated that is very dramatic. How are you supposed to feel when you wake up from a medically induced coma to see your friends and family at your bedside waiting for you to wake up?   

My first thought was not “DAMN it didn’t work!” I can’t even remember what my first thoughts were. I know I was pretty delirious for a while because I thought I was at some lady’s home, and she was taking care of me while she decorated a Christmas tree. That lady was a nurse in my private ICU hospital room. The “tree” she was decorating was my IV drip rack. There were so many bags on that thing that they looked like ornaments. It was if strands of tinsel were flowing into my arms. I’ve done a fair share of drugs in my life but I’ve never mainlined Christmas. I had contracted pneumonia; there was a fear of liver and kidney failure. To say I was in bad shape would be an understatement.  

It was a lengthy hospital stay. I was under 24-hour watch, which meant a nurse sat next to my bed every hour, every day. After about a week I was transferred to the “West Wing,” and believe me it was nothing as plush as the West Wing of the White House. The West Wing of UCSD Hillcrest is the psychiatric ward of the hospital. It’s like taking a step back in time. I believe it was a portion of the original space of the hospital when it was first built. It was very stark, sterile with plastic furniture and doors that locked us in. It felt like a prison and I was on permanent lockdown, there was nothing I could do about it. You don’t get to sign yourself out of a psychiatric ward like you can after a typical stay in a regular hospital – you are there until some stranger says you are back to normal…whatever the hell that is.  

I was told by staff members that I would have a particularly difficult time there because I was the only “highly functional” patient in the ward.  

They weren’t kidding. This was no resort-type facility that we often hear about celebrities going to because of “exhaustion,” but this support was an important part of the journey to recovery. I needed to be safe.  

I sat alone. I tried to read. I would sometimes talk with the nurses when they weren’t busy.  

“I don’t belong here. I’m nothing like these people! Don’t you know who I am? Get my friend who is also my City Councilman on the phone. Call my friends who are City Commissioners. Placing me here is obviously a mistake!”  

I was coming unglued. The lunatics had taken over the asylum, and I was going down with them.  

I begged to be let out. At one point a doctor gave me some false hope that I might be released over the weekend. Unfortunately, it was a Thanksgiving holiday weekend and the ward was being run by the “B list” doctors. Their idea of therapy included coloring in coloring books and making flowers out of colored paper. Finally, the following Monday the “A list” doctors came back on duty and saw that my mood was deteriorating because of my surroundings. I have a wonderful group of close friends who were visiting the hospital every day, bringing me some of my favorite food, keeping me focused on what my plans were for when I got out of the hospital. The nurses and the doctors were very impressed by the amount of people that would come visit me. I think I broke the record for the amount of visitors in one day. Hell, I even had a drag queen in full gown & crown visit me on Thanksgiving Day. It was like a dadgum parade in there. But it also showed the doctors I had a great support team waiting for me when I was released. The ongoing visits reminded me that I had a team of support, that I was not alone in the world.  

Luckily that support system was willing to do anything they could to help me get reacquainted with life and back on my feet.  

So let me fast forward a bit to my recovery. Follow-up appointments with all the doctors, weekly “talk” therapy, and new medications helped me with my recovery. Staying close to home but getting out of the house for a bit was important to me, but being seen wasn’t. I guess in a way I was embarrassed and ashamed of what I had done. Good thing I didn’t leave a “fuck you and fuck you too” letter for anyone to find, because then I would have to face those people again. 

Looking back, I realize that shame and embarrassment was something that was a way of feeling that was imbedded in my mind. A learned behavior.  YES, trying to end your life is an awful thing. I do not recommend it to anyone. But the stigma that was put on me like a scarlet letter made it very difficult to move forward in certain situations. That stigma was one of the many obstacles I have overcome. Friendships were the #1 thing that had changed in my life.  

People’s attitudes about depression and suicide, just mental illness in general, often come with a stigma. Even when people try to have conversations about depression, their competency or understanding about the issue is archaic or maybe they’re just repeating things heard somewhere that they take as fact. 

So, class is now in session.  

Lesson 1:  Depression is real. 

Depression, clinical, diagnosed depression is not the same thing as having a bad day because your car got scratched, or you lost your lucky pair of underwear. The word “depressed” is used in a very loose and at times offensive manner. It trivializes what a truly depressed person is dealing with in their life.  

It’s hard to blame the people that aren’t familiar with depression or other mental health issues. Our culture has taught us to dismiss these people as being victims and weak. I tend to be a little passive-aggressive when I see someone post on social media “I’m so depressed.” My response is always the same.  “Oh, I’m sorry, how long have you been suffering from depression?” No one has ever answered that question when I ask.  

Lesson 2:  Suicide is a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them.  

Suicide is a decision made out of desperation, hopelessness, isolation and loneliness. The black hole that is clinical depression is all-consuming.  

People who say that suicide is selfish always reference the survivors. They say it’s selfish to leave friends and family and loved ones behind. What they don’t know is that those loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the dark cloud of depression that follows you everywhere leaves you feeling like there is no alternative, that the only way to get out of the crappy situation you think you are in is to end it all. That is a devastating thought to endure.  

Until you’ve stared down that level of depression, until you’ve lost your body, heart, mind and soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness…you don’t get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your opinion, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won’t help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt them – and others – deeper.  

Lesson 3:  Once a nutcase, always a nutcase is a myth.  

You have to look at depression for exactly what it is, an illness. Let’s compare it to diabetes. There is no cure for diabetes, but it is a manageable illness.  There are many ways people with mental illness can live regular lives just like everyone else. Of course, there are different levels of the illness and it might take a lot of work for one person versus very little for another.  

For me, the best plan has been medication and “talk” therapy. Medication isn’t a magic pill that works the first time you take it. You may have to try different pills or different combinations, and it takes a short time for those meds to kick in. You would be surprised at how many people you know or are familiar with that live with mental illness. Remember approximately 1 in 4 people suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder. Take a look around, it could be you, your best friend, your partner, your parent. Don’t be so quick to judge, but do ask questions. Approach them in a caring, concerned and loving manner.  

Lesson 4:  No blame, no shame, just be kind.  

The worst things to say to someone with a mental illness:  

•  Snap out of it
• There are a lot of people worse off than you
• You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
• You’d feel better if you got off all those pills
• What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger
• Go out and have some fun
• I know how you feel
• So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?
• This too shall pass
• You make the choice to have a bad day, just decide to have a good day.

Think about it. If you changed the words up a little bit, you would never even think to say things like: 

• Hey, diabetic, snap out of it.
• Hey, epileptic, I know how you feel.
• Hey, paraplegic, so you can’t use your legs, isn’t that always the case?  

You get the idea. No one would think those things are okay to say, and just because you can’t “see” my illness doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. 

By saying these things, the mentally ill person in front of you is already probably feeling very bad about themselves, and you have chosen to go and make it worse.  

Instead of those ugly things listed above, try saying things like this:  

• I love you
• What can I do to help?
• This must be very hard for you
• I am there for you, and I will always be there for you
• You are amazing and strong, and you can get through this
• Have you seen your doctor/therapist?
• You never have to apologize for feeling this way
• I’m not scared of you 

It has taken me a lot of work to get to where I am now.  I have also discovered a new found passion for working in the mental health field. On July 24 of this year, I completed a course and am now certified in Mental Health First Aid. No, I am not a doctor, but I now have the tools and resources to help someone through a crisis to the next step and help stabilize a dangerous situation. I am learning more about the field through volunteering, organizing suicide prevention classes, and attending any and every class or lecture I possibly can.  

I recently applied for a job in the mental health field and I’m waiting to hear back from the organization. If I don’t get hired for this job, I won’t let it get me down. I’ll keep pushing on. There are too many people out there in life-challenging situations that are being ignored by society. I can no longer stand by and let them suffer.  

To go from a place of wanting to end my life to now being considered for a job helping others is a testament to every single person suffering from mental illness. Suicide is not the answer. There is hope! You can overcome your situation, you are important and what you have to offer can help someone at a time when they really need someone who understands.  

*********** UPDATE as of January 16th 2015 I have been working in the mental health field as the LGBTQ Outreach Coordinator for Mental Health America of San Diego..  Its been a dream come true being in a position to now help people in crisis and to teach others to do the same.  I am on the Mayor of San Diego's LGBT Advisory Committee and life is amazing!   I still live with depression, I have good days and bad days, but I manage my illness, it doesn't manage me. Great things are happening, and I continue to grow each day***************

Love yourself enough to ignore what others may think of you seeking professional help. You will be amazed at how much just talking to someone about your problems can help. Don’t keep your emotions bottled up inside until the bottle bursts. As the late, great Whitney Houston said in the movie Sparkle, “was my life not enough of a cautionary tale for you?”  

If you think you need help, please contact a medical or mental health professional as soon as possible. If professional help is not readily available, there are crisis lines and countless other resources that can assist.  

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
(800) 237-TALK
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, seven days a week.  

San Diego County Access and Crisis Line
(800) 479-3339 or (888) 724-7240
The County of San Diego’s 24-hour prevention/intervention hotline
Web: www.sdcounty.ca.gov/hhsa/programs/bhs/ 

Trevor Project Lifeline 
(866) 488-7386
The Trevor Project provides a 24-hour hotline that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning young people (LGBTQ) ages 13-24.
Trevor Text: Text the word “Trevor” to (202) 304-1200. Standard text messaging rates apply.
Web: www.thetrevorproject.org 

San Diego LGBT Community Center
3909 Centre Street (Hillcrest)
San Diego, CA 92103
Behavioral Health Services: (619) 692-2077 x208 (on-duty counselor, business hours)
Heidorn Lifeline: (858) 212-LIFE (after-hours or emergency crisis intervention & suicide prevention)
Web: www.thecentersd.org  

Death isn't easy.for most people I guess

Death of a friend or loved one is never easy, but what is it about death that makes people go bat shit crazy?

Maybe because I have felt so much loss during my life, beginning with all of the different animals I have had since childhood, to both sets of Grandparents, and both of my parents.   Maybe I don't feel death the same as everyone else.
Especially if someone is suffering, Id rather they slip away than be in any pain or discomfort.  But the real pain and discomfort comes after death, when the vultures come out and people show their true colors.

Maybe people perceive me as being controlling or making something all about me because when someone dies I am all about getting things taken care of.  When Dad died, I cleaned out his closet less than 2 weeks after his death.  The property Grandma left me was cleaned out and sold within a couple of  months of her death.  I cleaned out moms room 2 weeks after she died, then went through all of her paper work the following week.  I'm a task master... I get it done, and the more there is to do, the faster you have to work.

Being the closest one to San Diego with the most time available I offered to do some of this leg work and help find a mortuary, helped with obituaries, helped find a location that Dave would like for his celebration dinner.  I've spent at least 20 hours working on a memory book of Dave for his father, and I have enjoyed every moment.  I know what my talents are, so I put them to use.  I've very creative, and every one knows my experience in planning events for 10 to 1 million people.

Others don't handle death so well,  They sometimes immediately go balls out on continuing their lives.  Partying very often, getting tricks / special friends before the body is even cold. I could go on and on about that topic but it really serves no purpose.  Luckily this situation will resolve itself by the end of August, and God willing maybe sooner than that.

 I've known Dave about 20 years,  I love Dave but I'm realistic about death, the grieving period will never completely be over.   I think of him on a daily basis, but right now there are things to do.  I realize its easier to play the victim and say everyone else is acting in a strange way so you don't get looked upon as the person that's acting strangely..

Were all born, we live as full of lives as we can, then we die.  So instead of the drama surrounding death lets keep fondness in our hearts and respect for those that have been closest to the deceased.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

     

If I had only listened to my gut feeling sooner, but you want your friend to be happy, or at least FEEL like he is happy.  I didn't get to spend as much time with Dave the last year of his life, but the occasions we did spend together were fun filled.

Might as well face it you're addicted to _____

Ive never had a doctor or therapist tell me that I have an addictive personality, but its very obvious to me that I am highly addictive to anything and everything.

When I was young it was food, that only began after we moved from the LA area to Huntington Beach.
In LA I had tons of friends but in Huntington Beach I didnt know anyone and I became the target of bullies.
The eating made me feel better, but it made the bullying worse.

Then spending money was my new addiction, but the eating was still part of it.  I would go to South Coast Plaza or Fashion Island and spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars each trip, and this was when I was 15-16 years old.  I had an American Express Gold Card but only a student ID to show instead of a drivers license or other "official" ID.  A fancy lunch was always part of a shopping day.

Years later I discovered alcohol. I never really considered alcohol a big problem for me. In my entire life I have only been fall down, out of my mind wasted just once. That was only a year ago!  Alcohol I could take it or leave it, but I think at least in the beginning years 20-23 it was the social interaction I was addicted to.  Drinking only enhanced it.

Sadly I discovered drugs about the time I was 25.  I went from being an occasional weekend user to a once a day user (but never after 6 PM. At the end of my about 7 year drug habit I was shooting up 3-4 times a day just to maintain.  I wasn't even getting high.  Just staying awake and running a business.

Well when the economy tanked and I closed my business the drug use ended, mostly because I couldn't afford it anymore (I still owe some dealers money) and also mom wasn't able to help me financially as much
because the real estate market wasn't doing too well either.

The last few years have been lean times for me financially, so the spending, lunching and drinking have majorly decreased.   Im happy to say I haven't done any drugs in I think 5 years now.

As some of you know a long time friend of mine became VERY ill and unfortunately died.  During the time he was sick I did a lot of stress eating.  The week he was dying I did a LOT of drinking, and a lot of eating.

I recently got a few extra dollars and instead of holding onto it I've been spending.  I used some money for things that needed to be paid off and taken care of for a while, and I've bought myself some extras.  Nothing extravagant.  New shoes to replace ones I bought 2 years ago, some shorts, t shirts, 99 cent store crap, etc.

So after the tragedy of losing my friend, I have gained over 20 pounds.  After I got out of the hospital in January I was fitting perfectly into my size 34 jeans, now I can barely button my size 36 jeans.

I let my addictions take over my life, and like many addictions the end results are not fun, healthy, or easily reversible.  This extra weight is making me feel so awful.  I really am trying to cut back on what I eat but it isn't easy.  Exercise is even more difficult for me, I've never liked working out or exercising.  I wish I would have taken some of that newly "found" money and gotten a tune up on my bike because I do love to ride my bike, even though most areas of San Diego are very non bike friendly.

Why oh why couldn't I become addicted to exercise?

Stop Minimizing Mental Illness: Worst Things to Say

As you can tell I did not write this blog, but it says exactly how I feel when dealing with people that have no idea about mental health issues. It was written by Natasha Tracy on her Breaking Bipolar Blog

**********************************************

 I feel, sometimes, that I am at war with the mentally-well world. This isn’t to say that many of them aren’t lovely or that I have a desire to harm anyone, but I do feel embroiled. And it’s mostly because the well population just doesn’t understand what it is to be unwell. They demonstrate this heartily by repeatedly saying the worst things possible to a person with a mental illness.

Some of My Favorite Worst Things to Say to a Person With a Mental Illness

1. Snap out of it
2. There are a lot of people worse off than you
3. You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?
4. You’d feel better if you got off all those pills
5. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger
6. Go out and have some fun
7. I know how you feel
8. So you’re depressed, aren’t you always?
9. This too shall pass
10. We all have our crosses to bear

And as a bonus, my personal favorite: We create our own reality.

Ug. (I’m not the only one thinking about this, check out the worst things to say to anxious people.)

Why These are Stupid Things to Say

Any of those statements shows that you have no idea what you’re talking about. You fundamentally do not understand the concept of an illness if you think any one of these are appropriate. I suggest trying it with other disorders and see how you feel:

Hey, diabetic, snap out of it.
Hey, epileptic, I know how you feel.
Hey, paraplegic, so you can’t use your legs, isn’t that always the case?
Hey, person with multiple sclerosis, we create our own reality.

You get the idea. No one would think that is reasonable, and it’s no more reasonable just because you can’t see the illness because it’s in my brain.

These Are Hurtful Things to Say

And perhaps worse than showing ignorance, these things even inflict pain on the person you’re trying to “help”. You are saying that:

1. They could choose not to be sick if they really wanted
2. Their illness is not serious
3. They have no “reason” to be ill
4. Their treatment is wrong
5. They’ll be better off from it
6. They would be fine if they would just “go out”
7. Their illness is minimal
8. Their pain doesn’t matter
9. They should just wait for the pain to end
10. Their illness is just like anyone else’s problem
11. They choose to be sick

Again, I dare you to tell a person with any other illness any of those things.

And lest we forget, the mentally ill person in front of you is already probablyfeeling very bad about themselves, and you have chosen to go and make it worse.

Let’s Not Forget, People Die From Mental Illness

The idea that mental illness is serious isn’t something that I made up, it is a fact. Estimates are 1 in 5 people with bipolar disorder commit suicide and 1 in 2 people (yes, that’s half) attempt it. And of course there are hospitalizations, work absences, destroyed families, having to go on disability, and so on. This is serious stuff people. It is not a runny nose.

Why Do People with Mental Illness Have to Justify Themselves?

Natasha Tracy on  her Breaking Bipolar Blog

Update: Check out the best things to say to someone with a mental illness.

You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or GooglePlus or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter or at the Bipolar Burble, her blog.

To read this blog online click the link below

Stop Minimizing Mental Illness: Worst Things to Say

The Tipping Point

tip·ping point

noun

1. the point at which a series of small changes or incidents becomes significant enough to cause a larger, more important change.
2. 
   

In the past month or two my Doctors, Nurses, friends, etc. have definitely noticed a change in my mood and over all outlook towards life, they all have the same question.  "when do you think this change occurred?"

Well we would have to go back to January of 2013 when I reached one of the lowest points in my depression.  After my suicide attempt in November of 2012 I realized I could no longer afford my rent, bills, etc.  Friends decided it would be a good idea for me not to live alone, and a friend happened to have a room for rent with all utilities, etc included. So I moved into his place in January.  That's when the low point began. I stayed in bed for days at a time, some days I wouldn't even eat, I rarely left the house, I hadn't lived with roommates for almost 15 years...now I had 2-3 roommates. It's extremely difficult for a person like me to adjust to other peoples "stuff" and over a year later Im still trying to adjust,  It was a HUGE time of change for me, I was still grieving the loss of my mother just a few months prior.  I completely stopped taking care of myself.  Meaning I was only taking my anti depression and sleep meds.  I quit taking my HIV meds, because frankly I just didn't care if I lived or died.


Over a period of a full year I was slowly deteriorating, it began with my energy level declining, I was walking at a snails pace, I would occasionally be short of breath.  Then it escalated, all the things mentioned before increased and then I started having dizzy spells and occasionally stumbling when I was walking. I would take a shower and I would immediately have to lay down because I had no energy. The stumbling while walking turned into major falls, the last one was when I couldn't get myself out of the bath tub and fell numerous times.  I went to see the Dr the next day and was sent to the Emergency room where I was admitted to the hospital on January 10th 2014

They tested me for what seems like everything.  I had biopsies of my lungs, x rays, blood drawn daily sometimes multiple times for further testing.  They kept me for 11 days, I believe just because they couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I did unfortunately have another little fall in front of a nurse so that may have extended my stay.

I truly believe the only reason I was that sick was because my T-Cells were 32 and my viral load was over 4 million.  I would imagine that would affect every way your body works and supports itself.  In other words I was slowly allowing myself to die.  I also had some pre cancerous lesions that required surgery and the recovery from that has taken a while.  Im sure that added to my overall health issues,  but Im almost healed up from that surgery, just in time for a new surgery in June or July.

So here is the good news.  I have been on all the proper medications since January, and although my t-cells haven't gone over 250 yet my viral load has gone from 4 million+ to just over 2200.  I am back to seeing a therapist weekly.
When your body is working properly your mind is also in sync.   I'm not nearly as crabby as I was before, I let (most) things slide right off my back,  I'm back to volunteering at The Center interacting with people and I have found a new passion in the Mental Health/Mental Wellness field trying to educate and advocate.  I've been very busy helping with a friend that is extremely ill and has been in the hospital for a couple of months, although that doesn't make me happy it does make me realize how fortunate I am to have my health and to be given yet one more chance at life.  I must be like a cat. I figure I'm down to 6 lives now.  

Will this change be a permanent change?  Let's hope so.  Depression and anxiety are always going to be there but they are manageable.  Right now I seem to be managing perfectly well.

Depression, it's not what you think.

Usually when we want to understand a serious issue we investigate it, we search the internet, ask friends or professionals with experience on the issue,  we seek out answers.  I have found the topic of mental health issues to be the exact opposite.  We seem to use the words "crazy" or "depressed" in a very loose and at times offensive manner.  It's hard to blame the people that aren't familiar with depression or other mental health issues Our culture has taught us to dismiss these people and issues as being victims or weak, even just trying to get attention. I think the worst thing is being told "oh you can control your feelings, its up to you to have a good day"  You need to realize when a depressed person hears these words it can hurtful and sink them into an even deeper hole. I could never imagine someone WANTING to be depressed or suffer from anxiety. It's hard not to take things personally when things are being said about your personality.

Its also difficult for a depressed person to express the way it feels to be in a deep depression in a way that a non depressed person can understand.  It's neither sides fault, its just having a desire to understand the state of mind and feelings of a friend that may be going through a rough time.   One of my least favorite things is when someone confuses having a bad day with being depressed.  It trivializes what a truly depressed person is dealing with.

I have a friend that once told me that some friends didn't want to hang out with me because they were afraid I would be all "depressy and stuff"   That was one of the most hurtful things I had heard about my ILLNESS, it became obvious to me at that point that the desire to understand depression was simply not there.

As you'll read below about 1 in 4 people suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder, take a look around, it could it be you, your best friend, your partner, your parent.   Dont be so quick to judge, but do ask questions.  Approach them in a caring, concerned and loving manner.


Below are some facts and studies I have found in my research.

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviors.

Many people have mental health concerns from time to time. But a mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at work or in relationships. In most cases, mental illness symptoms can be managed with a combination of medications and counseling (psychotherapy).


Some warning signs that you maybe be depressed are universally agreed upon, they are depressed mood, decreased interest in or pleasure from activities, decreased concentration, hopelessness, worrying/ brooding, decreased self esteem, and irritability. 
  
"About one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given,year this figure translates to 57.7 million people.  In fact, depression affects as many as one in every 33 children and one in eight adolescents, according to the Federal Center for Mental Health Services."

Causes 

Mental illnesses, in general, are thought to be caused by a variety of genetic and environmental factors:

Inherited traits. Mental illness is more common in people whose biological (blood) relatives also have a mental illness. Certain genes may increase your risk of developing a mental illness, and your life situation may trigger the actual mental illness.

Environmental exposures before birth. Exposure to viruses, toxins, alcohol or drugs while in the womb can sometimes be linked to mental illness.

Negative life experiences. Situations in your life, such as the loss of a loved one, financial problems and high stress, can play a role in triggering mental illness. So can an upbringing that leads to poor self-esteem or a history of sexual or physical abuse. Life experiences can lead to unhealthy patterns of thinking linked to mental illness, such as pessimism or distorted ways of thinking.

Brain chemistry. Biochemical changes in the brain are thought to affect mood and other aspects of mental health. Naturally occurring brain chemicals called neurotransmitters play a role in some mental illnesses. In some cases, hormonal imbalances affect mental health. It's thought that inherited traits, life experiences and biological factors can all affect brain chemistry linked to mental illnesses. 

Stigma
"There are still attitudes within most societies that view symptoms of psychopathology as threatening and uncomfortable, and these attitudes frequently foster stigma and discrimination towards people with mental health problems. Such reactions are common when people are brave enough to admit they have a mental health problem, and they can often lead on to various forms of exclusion or discrimination – either within social circles or within the workplace."

The social stigma associated with mental health problems almost certainly has multiple causes. Throughout history people with mental health problems have been treated differently, excluded and even brutalized. This treatment may come from the misguided views that people with mental health problems may be more violent or unpredictable than people without such problems, or somehow just “different”, but none of these beliefs has any basis in fact. This itself implies that people with mental health problems are in some way ‘different’ from ‘normally’ functioning individuals. . That label may well be associated with undesirable attributes (e.g. ‘mad’ people cannot function properly in society, or can sometimes be violent), and this again will perpetuate the view that people with mental health problems are different and should be treated with caution.



I could go on and on about this topic, but it gets overwhelming for both the reader and myself.
I just want people to understand that a mental disorder, or mental disease is not something someone chooses to put themselves through.   Its tough, its debilitating, its life threatening.

I am in a really good place right now, and that's why I feel like I can share all of this with you.
I hope you have found it to be educational and enlightening.  Im sure Ill have more to say about this at a later time.

AS ALWAYS IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE AN ISSUE CONTACT A PROFESSIONAL.  THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT RESOURCES FOR ASSISTANCE ONLINE.

My research has come from the following websites.

The Mayo Clinic
National Institute for Mental Health (A government agency)
Physcology Today
Webb MD