Vanity, thy name is Kurt

I didnt always have the "perfect" smile, for whatever reason i never had braces even though I did have spaces between my teeth, they were uneven in size but still not awful. When I was 16 I became a summertime nanny to three children who's father was a dentist. He asked if I would be his guinea pig for a process he had never done before called "bonding". "Dental bonding is a procedure in which a tooth-colored resin material (a durable plastic material) is applied and hardened with a special light, which ultimately "bonds" the material to the tooth to restore or improve person's smile." (from WebMD) Its a temporary fix that lasts about 10 years.

Unfortunately over the years the seal on the veneers splits apart and plaque, bacteria, moisture, food, etc gets behind the veneer and rots the small amount of existing tooth the veneer is attached to, so at some point the tooth will break off, This has happened to me twice now, both times right in the front of my mouth.

I looked up the definition of vain and vanity and neither one are particularly attractive definitions

vain [veyn] adjective

1. excessively proud of or concerned about one's own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited: a vain dandy.

2. proceeding from or showing pride in or concern about one's appearance, qualities, etc.; resulting from or displaying vanity: He made some vain remarks about his accomplishments.

Of course I realize there are HUGE problems in our world and in the big scheme of things my tooth falls way below the level of importance to most people. But for me its part of who I am, it greatly effects my self esteem and my self confidence. My smile is a HUGE part of my personality. I don't smile like i used to, if I laugh I look like Misss Celie and cover my mouth up with my hand, and I never smile for photos, I even try to avoid photos if I can. If you look at my Facebook photos, the albums of me with friends in particular you know what a ham I am and how BIG i like to flash a smile. IM at a loss of what to do next, my insurance has already paid for everything up to now. The rest is up to me. They need to do a "build up" because there is nothing to attach a crown to, then there's the crown. Total cost $679.00

Over the past years I have had friends hold benefits to pay their medical bills, or at least help them pay them pay a portion of their bills. I always kind of thought that was odd.. I have a bill from a 2009 hospital stay for about $13,000 before I had any insurance. I never expected anyone else to be responsible for it but me. But now I understand why people ask for a helping hand.

When my tooth first fell out it was during one of my depressed episodes and I wanted to just give up, I definitely wasn't going to go out and be seen in public with a missing tooth. Well of course I have gone out into the world and even enjoyed myself. I have so many medical issues I am dealing with right now and I look at my tooth as one of those issues. I cant imagine what you as a reader are thinking when you read this. I'm sure parts of this I come across as an extremely vain person, but Im being honest when I say this issue truly gets me down on a regular basis.

So when I saw that some woman did a Go Fund Me Campaign for a boob job i thought, what the hell have I got to lose? Ive waited a while to post this because I had to make sure I was ready for the criticism and snide remarks some people might make. So here it is my plea for financial help.

If you would rather pay directly to my dentist Im sure that can be arranged just message me for contact info.

Help Put A Smile Back On My Face

UPDATE.  Im currently looking into a dentist in Tijuana so the cost could come down considerably.  Ill change the amount when I get an estimate

You're My Best Friend

How do you "chose" a best friend?  Or do they chose you?  Maybe you chose each other?  Can you have more than one best friend at a time?   Is it automatically the person you've known longest?   Ive never figured out a formula for this.

When I was in K-3rd grade my best friend was Tommy Fitzgerald, Tommy always liked to remind me of that fact.. "we're best buddies right?"  We were mostly at school friends but we did things outside of school too, like I would watch him play baseball, we went to Judo class together and summer school. He was always bugging me to go to church with him.

4th and 5th grade I didn't really have too many friends at all, let alone a BEST friend, that was the beginning of the years I was bullied.  I remember trying to have friends but I never really connected with anyone.  I spent a lot of time cleaning the chalkboard erasers for the teachers during recces.  At lunch time I enjoyed chatting with one of the playground supervisor mom's named Doris.  Even at that age I knew her foundation was too light and her lipstick was too dark.

Middle School wasn't too different than before except maybe a wider pool of people to be bullied by.  I had plenty of classmates that I was friendly with but that usually ended once we walked out of the classroom. My neighbors were all mostly older than me so they couldn't be seen with a 6th grader.  I wanted to be cool, I wanted to fit in with the popular kids. Instead I tried hanging out with the "not so nice" crowd.  In their minds I was just a rich kid so they just wanted me to steal jewelry from my mom for them.  Cari Joseph taught me how to smoke clove cigarettes behind the gym and how to ditch classes.  Lunch was tough, until I started hanging out with Priscilla Ponce and Paula Gregg, and Dana Cline.   See the pattern?  All girls except for Tommy when I was real young.  But still in middle school no best friend.

High school was a little different, there were certainly more students to choose from for a best friends, but that also meant more bullying.  I certainly had all my girls at lunch time to hang out with in the quad at Huntington Beach High School.  Mynde, Tammy, Cindy, Grace, Debbie and Im sure others Im forgetting, but that was my core group of girls.  Id have to say they were all my best friends.  We would tease each other, laugh, talk and talk (some of us did more talking than others  ahhhhhem Debbie)  We would hang out constantly outside of school, listening to music, cruising and racing in mom or dad's car.  I also found great solace in photography class, sometimes even ditching PE and stay in the darkroom or our on campus taking photos.  Mr Morehouse my photo teacher turned the other cheek often when he would see me in his class up to 3 hours a day.

Then comes adult life, friendships become more complicated and at times a little less lengthy in their existence. When I first moved to San Diego I found a group of people that seemed very interesting and very much like I felt.  Glamorous on the outside but a bit of a misfit on the inside.  I have made some friends through the The Imperial Court that have lasted over 2 decades.  Including yes, the one and only Nicole.  Ive never considered Nicole a best friend but always a mentor, a family member, he is like a father to me.  Along the past 22 years Ive made so many friends that I love..  Scott and Jim, Dave Z. Fina, Cheri, Eric, Sasha, Courtney, Michael Mack, Gabor.  I hesitated to even list people because of course Ill leave people out and Im constantly meeting new people and building friendships.  Even at 45 years old it still feels like the school playground at times.

Best friends can come and go, for various reasons, people move, they start dating someone, priorities change, people change, people even die etc., etc. but the ones that come in and out of your life seem to be my favorite, because its a natural flow of life.   Im lucky enough to have some of the same friends I did from Ethel Dwyer Middle School,  Im super fortunate to have some of the people I considered bullies back then to be friends now.

So when I say You're My Best Friend and you are wondering if Im talking about you, I probably am.

Queen

Depression, it's not what you think.

Usually when we want to understand a serious issue we investigate it, we search the internet, ask friends or professionals with experience on the issue,  we seek out answers.  I have found the topic of mental health issues to be the exact opposite.  We seem to use the words "crazy" or "depressed" in a very loose and at times offensive manner.  It's hard to blame the people that aren't familiar with depression or other mental health issues Our culture has taught us to dismiss these people and issues as being victims or weak, even just trying to get attention. I think the worst thing is being told "oh you can control your feelings, its up to you to have a good day"  You need to realize when a depressed person hears these words it can hurtful and sink them into an even deeper hole. I could never imagine someone WANTING to be depressed or suffer from anxiety. It's hard not to take things personally when things are being said about your personality.

Its also difficult for a depressed person to express the way it feels to be in a deep depression in a way that a non depressed person can understand.  It's neither sides fault, its just having a desire to understand the state of mind and feelings of a friend that may be going through a rough time.   One of my least favorite things is when someone confuses having a bad day with being depressed.  It trivializes what a truly depressed person is dealing with.

I have a friend that once told me that some friends didn't want to hang out with me because they were afraid I would be all "depressy and stuff"   That was one of the most hurtful things I had heard about my ILLNESS, it became obvious to me at that point that the desire to understand depression was simply not there.

As you'll read below about 1 in 4 people suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder, take a look around, it could it be you, your best friend, your partner, your parent.   Dont be so quick to judge, but do ask questions.  Approach them in a caring, concerned and loving manner.


Below are some facts and studies I have found in my research.

Mental illness refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviors.

Many people have mental health concerns from time to time. But a mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at work or in relationships. In most cases, mental illness symptoms can be managed with a combination of medications and counseling (psychotherapy).


Some warning signs that you maybe be depressed are universally agreed upon, they are depressed mood, decreased interest in or pleasure from activities, decreased concentration, hopelessness, worrying/ brooding, decreased self esteem, and irritability. 
  
"About one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given,year this figure translates to 57.7 million people.  In fact, depression affects as many as one in every 33 children and one in eight adolescents, according to the Federal Center for Mental Health Services."

Causes 

Mental illnesses, in general, are thought to be caused by a variety of genetic and environmental factors:

Inherited traits. Mental illness is more common in people whose biological (blood) relatives also have a mental illness. Certain genes may increase your risk of developing a mental illness, and your life situation may trigger the actual mental illness.

Environmental exposures before birth. Exposure to viruses, toxins, alcohol or drugs while in the womb can sometimes be linked to mental illness.

Negative life experiences. Situations in your life, such as the loss of a loved one, financial problems and high stress, can play a role in triggering mental illness. So can an upbringing that leads to poor self-esteem or a history of sexual or physical abuse. Life experiences can lead to unhealthy patterns of thinking linked to mental illness, such as pessimism or distorted ways of thinking.

Brain chemistry. Biochemical changes in the brain are thought to affect mood and other aspects of mental health. Naturally occurring brain chemicals called neurotransmitters play a role in some mental illnesses. In some cases, hormonal imbalances affect mental health. It's thought that inherited traits, life experiences and biological factors can all affect brain chemistry linked to mental illnesses. 

Stigma
"There are still attitudes within most societies that view symptoms of psychopathology as threatening and uncomfortable, and these attitudes frequently foster stigma and discrimination towards people with mental health problems. Such reactions are common when people are brave enough to admit they have a mental health problem, and they can often lead on to various forms of exclusion or discrimination – either within social circles or within the workplace."

The social stigma associated with mental health problems almost certainly has multiple causes. Throughout history people with mental health problems have been treated differently, excluded and even brutalized. This treatment may come from the misguided views that people with mental health problems may be more violent or unpredictable than people without such problems, or somehow just “different”, but none of these beliefs has any basis in fact. This itself implies that people with mental health problems are in some way ‘different’ from ‘normally’ functioning individuals. . That label may well be associated with undesirable attributes (e.g. ‘mad’ people cannot function properly in society, or can sometimes be violent), and this again will perpetuate the view that people with mental health problems are different and should be treated with caution.



I could go on and on about this topic, but it gets overwhelming for both the reader and myself.
I just want people to understand that a mental disorder, or mental disease is not something someone chooses to put themselves through.   Its tough, its debilitating, its life threatening.

I am in a really good place right now, and that's why I feel like I can share all of this with you.
I hope you have found it to be educational and enlightening.  Im sure Ill have more to say about this at a later time.

AS ALWAYS IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE AN ISSUE CONTACT A PROFESSIONAL.  THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT RESOURCES FOR ASSISTANCE ONLINE.

My research has come from the following websites.

The Mayo Clinic
National Institute for Mental Health (A government agency)
Physcology Today
Webb MD

Don't be afraid, its OK to say Anal Cancer

You all know how I love to share stuff. Well here is another biggie, it’s going to be graphic, and it might gross some of you out but it’s a reality that not enough people talk about because of the stigma associated with it. But this has been and still is MY reality. This is just the very basics of information I have found along with my personal experience.  Always check with your doctor if you have concerns

 People don’t know about the specifics of what happens when you have rectal STD’s We constantly hear “wear condoms, protect yourself from HIV and AIDS”, and often times we hear about STDs but it usually seems to be an afterthought. So many people have that mentality of “if I get AIDS I just take some pills and Ill be fine ” You don’t usually associate HIV or AIDS with physical pain. But Ill tell you what rectal pain is no walk in the park.

 Before I get into my personal story, let me give you some very basic info via Wikipedia.

  Anal dysplasia is a pre-cancerous condition which occurs when the mucosa lining of the anal canal undergo abnormal changes. During this condition, lesion, or visible pattern of clustered abnormal cells, appear. These cells may then progress from low-grade lesions to high-grade lesions.

Causes Anal dysplasia is most commonly linked to human papillomavirus (HPV), a usually sexually-transmitted disease HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease. Roughly 80% of people who have had one or two lifetime sex partners and 100% of people who have had five lifetime sex partners have had HPV infection, which may persist for life.

Symptoms Symptoms of anal cancer include bloating and change in bowel habits, a lump near the anus, rectal bleeding, itching or discharge. Bleeding may be severe.

 The pain and suffering (yes suffering) I have had to endure over the years due to rectal STDs has been the worst and most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. I have been dealing with these issues off and on since about 2000. When I first started having pain I would write it off to oh maybe its hemorrhoids or I just had a “busy” weekend with the sexual activities. But as time went by things got worse and happened more often.
I had my first rectal surgery in 2002. After that When I would get a flare up I would just double up on antibiotics and take several baths with Epsom salts. It always seemed to do the trick… for a while.

Due to blood, and other discharge from the rectum the need to wear women’s panty liners is constant. Ive tried every brand and every size. I know more about this topic than most women. My favorite are the brand “Always” overnight, heavy flow, extra long , odor control with wings. Along with the constant pain is not being able to sit upright at all, always having to lay on your side, walking can sometimes be a relief but could also be extremely painful. Not to mention the intense pain associated with bowel movements and forget about wiping with toilet paper, you have to jump in the bathtub or a sitz bath. Not so easy if you have a job to go to.

The day I was checked out by a specialist his prognosis at that point was not a very positive one. He said I am very concerned about this lesion and we better take care of this immediately, because its quite possibly anal cancer. After I picked my heart up out of my stomach I said…in my usual randomness “that’s how Farrah Fawcett died” after a few seconds of a blank stare from the Dr. he said oh, I did not know that.

 The 5 year survival rates for people with anal cancer range anywhere from 7% to 71% depending on the stage of the cancer and some other various issues. So you know my mind was really working up into a frenzy. I thought he was just trying to scare me into handling this matter very quickly, which we did. Originally he was going to just take a snip of the lesion for a biopsy but when he saw the size of it…the size of a silver dollar he decided to remove the entire thing. It was on the outside as well as the inside canal. The next day when the surgical dressing came off it looked like a scene from the worst horror movie you have ever seen.

 In the follow up appointment he immediately told me I did NOT have cancer and showed me scans of the 3 things he surgically removed. He was stunned that he was wrong, but so very happy at the same time. I still have some pre cancerous “things” that we will keep a close eye on. I already have my 6 month follow up appointment booked.

Anal cancer has a huge stigma associated with it due to the nature of its origins. When the media first started talking about Farrah Fawcett’s cancer they didn’t use the words anal cancer. Many of her obituaries didn’t use the words anal cancer either it was just cancer. Farrah is the one that made the decision to make this a very public issue to raise awareness, and get people to actually say the words ANAL CANCER.

OK so hopefully you have taken the time to read this but wonder what my whole point of this was. It’s the same message we’ve been trying to get across to people for 30 years… Wear a condom!! You don’t have to have HIV or AIDS to get a deadly STD.
 Honestly, did any of what I wrote here sound enjoyable? Hey power bottoms, you can forget about all of that anymore. What do the kids say these days? “REAL TALK” or for my Deaf friends “True Biz”. I hope sharing my experiences hasn’t been too much for some of you and for others I hope it scares you to death!

I found this link and found it very informative Farrah's Gift

An unexpected smile

Been down in the dumps past few weeks.  But I couldnt help smiling when I watched this video.

I Wish You Enough

I never believe these sappy stories that get shared everywhere, but the message in this one really touched a place with me. I used to feel like I needed more of everything!! Clothes, cars, money, friends.. The more "stuff" I had, the happier I would become. Now I am happy with just enough.

Recently I overheard a mother and son in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you, and I wish you enough."
The son replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom."

They kissed, and the son left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?"

"I am old, and he lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.

"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, "I wish you enough." May I ask what that means?"

She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. "When we said, "I wish you enough", we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.


I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away.


TAKE TIME TO LIVE....

To all my friends and loved ones,
I WISH YOU ENOUGH

Christmas Memories

Christmas in my family could be described in one word... Opulent

I have never seen so many wrapped packages under a Christmas tree, presents for everyone!  .

Christmas Eve was always at Grandma and Grandpa's house, a huge mix of  family, co workers, friends of friends and people I would only see once a year.  We opened some presents, the adults drank and we all ate.  I got to play bartender and they all loved  me because I poured heavy.  Mom and Dad always let me open one present on Christmas Eve at Grandmas house, but we usually ended up opening a couple when we got home that night.

 Mom and I were always together but somehow she managed to get her shopping done, sometimes even sending me to the food court at the mall while she picked up a thing or two.  The biggest gift each year, the "Santa" gift was reserved for Dad to buy, he usually picked something we could do together like remote control airplanes or cars that we had to build, a telescope.  Unfortunately Dad and I didn't get to spend too much time together because he worked so hard.  Looking back it seems like those pricey Christmas presents were jinxed.  The cars would crash, the telescope broke and we spent less and less time together each year.  But there were always dozens more presents for me to open. I have never seen so many wrapped packages under a Christmas tree! After my niece and nephew came along you could probably triple the amount of gifts under the tree, we were all very spoiled.

 We always had Christmas day at our house, first thing in the morning just me and mom and dad opening presents, then all the relatives would start coming, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, my sister in law's family.  Heck anyone that didn't have anywhere to go.  It seems like there was always a little friendly competition between the ladies to see who could bring a new and unusual dish to show off.  Many of my favorite "pot luck" dishes came from past Christmas dinners.  Aunt Myrna always had the most unusual along with my sister in law's mother Mary Jane, she always brought a Greek dish.

 Christmas was all about the presents to me back then, Its not a stretch to say that I had near 20 presents each year just from mom and dad, not to mention the gifts I received from relatives.  Dad would take me shopping for mom's gift. I loved picking out just the right thing for her.  One year Dad and I went to Rodeo Drive to shop, that suited me quite well, but Dad almost had a heart attack when I picked out a purse for mom at Gucci with a matching wallet and cigarette case of course. 

  After my father died in 1985 Christmas just wasn't the same, grandma and mom stopped hosting parties and just had dinner with the immediate family, I don't remember much about Christmas in those days, but I think we went to my brothers house.  I remember when Mynde and I were living together those were some broke ass days, but we had a Christmas tree, with maybe a couple of presents. The closest thing to the opulent days is when I lived with Cheri, we bought BIG Santa gifts for each other back then.  I bought Cheri a bicycle and Cheri bought me a tall rolling Craftsmen toolbox.

Now most of my family is gone... death, divorce and distance prevents us from ever going back to the good ol days.  However this year I find myself being grateful for the kind gestures of friends and even strangers.  Last week I received some Christmas cookies in the mail from someone Ive never met in person, and once again more cookies from a Facebook friend this weekend.  Yesterday I was very excited to receive 4 cards in the mail on the same day.  It used to be I wouldn't even open a card right away unless I thought there was money in it.  Today I cherish each and every card and cookie that comes my way.  Ive been through a lot this past year.   Its a miracle that Im still alive to enjoy this Christmas.  I think Santa was waiting for me to learn a lesson.

  This will be my first Christmas without my Mom.  I'm not going to lie, its difficult but my friends are there for me to make sure I enjoy Christmas.  Its time to make some new memories.
Christmas isn't about the presents, its about sharing with the people you love and care about.  To some people that sounds like a Hallmark card, but to  me its a wonderful reality.

                                                             My first Christmas

                                                Christmas Eve with Grandma Ruby

                                         Christmas Eve after Grandma's opening ONE present