After a lengthy talk with a good friend last night I was/am feeling pretty down. Among many things that I constantly worry about is what I can possibly do with the rest of my life, feelings of hopelessness consume me. I feel like starting over at 41 years old just isnt possible. Im broke, unemployed, fat and single. I feel like Ill never be able to pull myself out of this.
This morning I saw a post by my friend Tryce and it got me thinking I can still do anything I want, after all Harvey Milk didnt even become involved in politics until he was 40 years old, not that I want to become a politician, but thats a pretty big mountain to start climbing at 40 years old. I just need to find my motivation.
Last night while chatting with my friend I realized that I need to start having more conversations with people that have overcome major obstacles. Im tired of hearing sob stories from people about how awful their life is when in reality they have it pretty damn easy. Bitching about how awful your mother is, or how you need new clothes, or how you are so confused by the 2-3 guys you're trying to date.. Maybe thats why I feel so hopeless all the time? Because when I hear people bitching about stuff like that, you can imagine I must feel totally broken and unfix-able
I guess there is hope for me. I just need to believe in myself more, I need to RE become the person I used to be...But how? I need to begin by concentrating on that little tiny glimmer of hope, instead of the huge amount of hopelessness.
Every time I feel like Im taking a step forward, I take 2 steps backwards. I dont know how to stay on the right path anymore.
I was hoping by blogging I would come up with some answers for myself like I usually do.. Not this time.
Happy Harvey Milk Day
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Let me clarify something
I think some people are confused as to what my blog is about. My blog has always been and will always be somewhere that I express my FEELINGS. They might be feelings that have built up over a period of time, or they be feelings Im still not clear on and writing them down helps me work through them.
I had a few private comments on my last blog, one person said he completely agreed with what I said, one person said happy to see you working through your feelings here and one person said they thought it was mean spirited and unnecessary. So I bet you can figure out the reason why Im writing THIS blog today. I can deal with the opinion of being mean spirited (it was not how it was intended) but to say it was unnecessary? well that has bothered me all week, so now I am writing about it (see how it works) The person that said that has been a friend for many years and I know he has great love for me and he truly only wants the best for me. He is afraid of me looking foolish, pathetic, etc etc. I know he is reading this and I just wanna tell him.. I love you! Im only writing about this to get it off my chest, after this I wont think about it again. I have a hard enough time pleasing myself, Ive learned Ill never please everyone else.
At the museums on Tuesday we were joking about how I should start a blog like Gossip Girl, an anonymous blog so I can truly say what I want to about people and not get any backlash. But see THAT would be mean spirited and thats not my intention here.
Today I am experiencing something that i can only laugh at. Bitchy status updates on Facebook by people that are so easily influenced by others words and opinions. Whats sad is this person is unaware of the fact that some of the people he is listening to right now are the same people that talk about him behind his back. This guy is sweet and wants to have friends so badly that it seems he is willing to do whatever it takes to get friends, but over the last month or so Ive learned he plays both sides of a situation and just lets people hear what they wanna hear. I dont have time for that kind of shit, but I cant really be angry at him, I think he is just trying to make friends and I think he is just doing what he thinks is right in order to do so.
See now writing this blog has really helped me, I was sort of worried that I was going through friends rather quickly, but in reality what is happening is that it takes time for people to reveal their true authentic selves to you, and when they do you either like the person they are or you dont. I have met a lot of new people in the past few months, some of them I really like and some of them as I learn more about them I realize they are just not people I mesh with. I know there are people I have met that just dont like me either.. Thats the way life works. One of the differences with me is I wont act phony about it and pretend I like someone "just because".. I figure it out and move on rather quickly.
I had a few private comments on my last blog, one person said he completely agreed with what I said, one person said happy to see you working through your feelings here and one person said they thought it was mean spirited and unnecessary. So I bet you can figure out the reason why Im writing THIS blog today. I can deal with the opinion of being mean spirited (it was not how it was intended) but to say it was unnecessary? well that has bothered me all week, so now I am writing about it (see how it works) The person that said that has been a friend for many years and I know he has great love for me and he truly only wants the best for me. He is afraid of me looking foolish, pathetic, etc etc. I know he is reading this and I just wanna tell him.. I love you! Im only writing about this to get it off my chest, after this I wont think about it again. I have a hard enough time pleasing myself, Ive learned Ill never please everyone else.
At the museums on Tuesday we were joking about how I should start a blog like Gossip Girl, an anonymous blog so I can truly say what I want to about people and not get any backlash. But see THAT would be mean spirited and thats not my intention here.
Today I am experiencing something that i can only laugh at. Bitchy status updates on Facebook by people that are so easily influenced by others words and opinions. Whats sad is this person is unaware of the fact that some of the people he is listening to right now are the same people that talk about him behind his back. This guy is sweet and wants to have friends so badly that it seems he is willing to do whatever it takes to get friends, but over the last month or so Ive learned he plays both sides of a situation and just lets people hear what they wanna hear. I dont have time for that kind of shit, but I cant really be angry at him, I think he is just trying to make friends and I think he is just doing what he thinks is right in order to do so.
See now writing this blog has really helped me, I was sort of worried that I was going through friends rather quickly, but in reality what is happening is that it takes time for people to reveal their true authentic selves to you, and when they do you either like the person they are or you dont. I have met a lot of new people in the past few months, some of them I really like and some of them as I learn more about them I realize they are just not people I mesh with. I know there are people I have met that just dont like me either.. Thats the way life works. One of the differences with me is I wont act phony about it and pretend I like someone "just because".. I figure it out and move on rather quickly.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Realizations
I havent blogged for awhile for many reasons.. #1 Ive been feeling really good lately, #2 the few things that are bothering me are mostly about people I have or am building friendships with and I dont want to embarrass them.
I was talking with my friend Dan yesterday and he mentioned that my spirits seemed to be up lately and I would have to agree. I have been keeping myself very busy lately, going to Balboa Park, visiting the museums, fun stuff! Of course Ive been goin to Baja Bettys and the usual haunts but not as much. I havent been drinking as much either, it just hasnt had too much of an appeal, and at times it actually makes me physically ill and I'll have to go to the bathroom and puke. The other reason I think I have been doing so well is that I have not been hangin out with people that have a negative influence on me or that just drain me, sometimes you dont realize how draining someone can be on you until you are no longer around them.
My bff and I havent hung out for a couple of weeks, and at times I feel like I should feel sad about this, but the truth is I dont... I havent tried to replace her with anybody or anything, Ive just been livin my life and its been pretty good. We were friends for about 10 years, she was very young when we met (21 or 22) and I was about 30, and I think maybe we have just grown apart. Emotionally she isnt someone I can really go to for support because.. well shes a girl and she gets very emotional. I need someone strong and experienced to help me through situations and give me advice, and at this stage in my life I think I have just outgrown her. You can only stretch out the fun times so long, you need new experiences and situations to build on, and us hangin out at a gay bars just isnt doin it anymore. Im 41 years old, been there done that.
My life experiences have been more than most of my friends, and its hard to find one person to go to for support that has the kind of experiences that I have had in my life. I gotta give props to Gooster for a great piece of advice he gave me a couple months ago, well actually he just told me something that works for him and Ive been trying to apply it, Anyway what he told me was instead of depending on one or two people for support, find out what each of your friends strengths are and go to them as needed, that way you dont wear anyone out to soon. I have kind of realized that I was the ONE person my old bff went to all the time and I think I just got worn out.
I posted a Facebook status last week that said something like To all my friends that are delusional but aware of what their issues are I LOVE YOU, to those that are delusional but not aware of their issues or problems I love you too just not as often. Thats really proven to be effective for me. I have a friend that lets say STRETCHES the truth quite often, hell sometimes he just right out lies, the only thing I can figure is that he does this for attention? Thats OK we all have our "stuff" but I have learned I cant trust anything he says, and I spend much less time with him. I havent talked to him about it because it isnt my place, if he feels that this works for him GREAT let it be. I still have some laughs with him on occasion, but when his bullshit starts to get deep I find myself starting to call him out on it, so maybe I need to start hangin out with him even less.
Theres one more thing Im wanting to talk about but Im tired of writing this AM.. Ill save it for later I guess..
I was talking with my friend Dan yesterday and he mentioned that my spirits seemed to be up lately and I would have to agree. I have been keeping myself very busy lately, going to Balboa Park, visiting the museums, fun stuff! Of course Ive been goin to Baja Bettys and the usual haunts but not as much. I havent been drinking as much either, it just hasnt had too much of an appeal, and at times it actually makes me physically ill and I'll have to go to the bathroom and puke. The other reason I think I have been doing so well is that I have not been hangin out with people that have a negative influence on me or that just drain me, sometimes you dont realize how draining someone can be on you until you are no longer around them.
My bff and I havent hung out for a couple of weeks, and at times I feel like I should feel sad about this, but the truth is I dont... I havent tried to replace her with anybody or anything, Ive just been livin my life and its been pretty good. We were friends for about 10 years, she was very young when we met (21 or 22) and I was about 30, and I think maybe we have just grown apart. Emotionally she isnt someone I can really go to for support because.. well shes a girl and she gets very emotional. I need someone strong and experienced to help me through situations and give me advice, and at this stage in my life I think I have just outgrown her. You can only stretch out the fun times so long, you need new experiences and situations to build on, and us hangin out at a gay bars just isnt doin it anymore. Im 41 years old, been there done that.
My life experiences have been more than most of my friends, and its hard to find one person to go to for support that has the kind of experiences that I have had in my life. I gotta give props to Gooster for a great piece of advice he gave me a couple months ago, well actually he just told me something that works for him and Ive been trying to apply it, Anyway what he told me was instead of depending on one or two people for support, find out what each of your friends strengths are and go to them as needed, that way you dont wear anyone out to soon. I have kind of realized that I was the ONE person my old bff went to all the time and I think I just got worn out.
I posted a Facebook status last week that said something like To all my friends that are delusional but aware of what their issues are I LOVE YOU, to those that are delusional but not aware of their issues or problems I love you too just not as often. Thats really proven to be effective for me. I have a friend that lets say STRETCHES the truth quite often, hell sometimes he just right out lies, the only thing I can figure is that he does this for attention? Thats OK we all have our "stuff" but I have learned I cant trust anything he says, and I spend much less time with him. I havent talked to him about it because it isnt my place, if he feels that this works for him GREAT let it be. I still have some laughs with him on occasion, but when his bullshit starts to get deep I find myself starting to call him out on it, so maybe I need to start hangin out with him even less.
Theres one more thing Im wanting to talk about but Im tired of writing this AM.. Ill save it for later I guess..
Thursday, May 6, 2010
A new friend for life
You know when you meet someone and you just click? My new friend John (NavyGuyN619 on Twitter) is just one of those people. We met via Twitter. Funny thing is when we first started conversing I thought he and a guy I used to date were talking shit about me.. That wasnt the case at all, John just had no clue how to tweet back then.
Ive already talked about him here on my last blog post John is REALLY cute and REALLY sweet. Im tellin ya if he wasnt a friend one of us would be breakin the others heart.
John is totally open and sensitive to letting me talk to him about anything goin on in my life, and I hope he knows that Im always there to listen to him... Hes a big tough guy though and I dont see him cryin on my shoulder too much.
Johns a bit of a wild child and tonight we had a blast. We went to Baja Bettys with Joe (Cute Tall Boy) then to Guys, Games, and Grub at The LGBT Center, then ended the night with The Dreamgirls Revue at Urban Mo's, there was this cute guy there that John had gone out with a couple times, this guy was tryin to get on John but john was (sort of) pushing the guy away so then I think the guy thought John and I were together so this guy tried gettin all up in my Kool Aid askin me if I was single, etc etc.. HAHAHAHAHAHA I just rolled with it... I kissed that boy and flirted back with him and just played his game.. John and I were giggling like high school girls
I gotta say somedays I feel like Im 50 instead of 40(something) But when I hang out with John I feel 30 again.. Now that could be a dangerous thing like it was on Saturday but tonight he let me quit when it was time to quit. He was a perfect friend and gentleman. I know hes got my back.
John is in the Navy and theres a good chance someday he could leave San Diego, normally i would run from making a friend that could just pick up and leave at anytime, but I have a really good feeling about this guy, when I say a friend for life I mean it.
Ive already talked about him here on my last blog post John is REALLY cute and REALLY sweet. Im tellin ya if he wasnt a friend one of us would be breakin the others heart.
John is totally open and sensitive to letting me talk to him about anything goin on in my life, and I hope he knows that Im always there to listen to him... Hes a big tough guy though and I dont see him cryin on my shoulder too much.
Johns a bit of a wild child and tonight we had a blast. We went to Baja Bettys with Joe (Cute Tall Boy) then to Guys, Games, and Grub at The LGBT Center, then ended the night with The Dreamgirls Revue at Urban Mo's, there was this cute guy there that John had gone out with a couple times, this guy was tryin to get on John but john was (sort of) pushing the guy away so then I think the guy thought John and I were together so this guy tried gettin all up in my Kool Aid askin me if I was single, etc etc.. HAHAHAHAHAHA I just rolled with it... I kissed that boy and flirted back with him and just played his game.. John and I were giggling like high school girls
I gotta say somedays I feel like Im 50 instead of 40(something) But when I hang out with John I feel 30 again.. Now that could be a dangerous thing like it was on Saturday but tonight he let me quit when it was time to quit. He was a perfect friend and gentleman. I know hes got my back.
John is in the Navy and theres a good chance someday he could leave San Diego, normally i would run from making a friend that could just pick up and leave at anytime, but I have a really good feeling about this guy, when I say a friend for life I mean it.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Some GREAT words by my friend Kai
YOUR REPUTATION IS WHAT PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE; YOUR CHARACTER IS WHAT YOU ARE.
You want your reputation and your character to match, but concentrate on your character. You may be able to fool others about the kind of person you really are for a time, but it seldom lasts for long. The surest way to make sure your character and your reputation are the same is to live your life in such a way that nothing you do would embarrass you if it were printed on the front page of the newspaper. Good character means not ever taking ethical shortcuts, even though everyone else may be doing so. You build good character by doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.
You want your reputation and your character to match, but concentrate on your character. You may be able to fool others about the kind of person you really are for a time, but it seldom lasts for long. The surest way to make sure your character and your reputation are the same is to live your life in such a way that nothing you do would embarrass you if it were printed on the front page of the newspaper. Good character means not ever taking ethical shortcuts, even though everyone else may be doing so. You build good character by doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.
Round two
The only thing I can figure out why ny old "BFF" is mad at me AGAIN is that I kept a secret from her to "protect" her, as did two other friends of ours. When the secret came out I was the bad guy.. I wasn't told why she is mad at me this time. So im left to figure it out on my own and that's all I can come up with.
Last week she was mad at me because on Monday I turned down a makeup job she asked me to do and on Tuesday the day my Doctor suggested I go back into the hospital I didn't want to talk with her about it. Either reason in my mind are very selfish reasons to be MAD at someone else. I can understand frustrated and I can understand fed up, but do those things really constitute her then ignoring me and telling me she has nothing to say to me when I ask her why she isn't replying to me? Because I didn't live up to her expectations I am the bad guy? (see last blog post if you are confused)
Because of my depression and being "down" I didn't quite have it in me to do a makeup job, plus I no longer have my own makeup kit, it was stolen a few years ago. I sometimes use a friends makeup kit when I do someones drag makeup but the tools and makeup are not of the "caliber" i need to do makeup for a commercial. You need a certain type of foundation, proper colors, etc etc. Is the commercial video or film because its different for each of those too. A drag queens (a non PRO drag queen) makeup kit would hardly fill the bill for this job. Secondly its not really easy being creative when you are depressed either. I actually found this article on dealing with depression as an artist. Read it here The makeup job was originally scheduled for Friday and I was actually feeling fine on Friday, but there was no way for me to know that. But as I said, without the proper tools the job may not have come out too well. Is that a price your willing to pay for a client?
Yesterday I was having a great time with my friend John. we met up with "C" after she went to the Hole with another friend. Things were going great, but I guess this is where I stop writing about what happened. As I said in my Facebook status last night, I'm not afraid of looking foolish to people because I am going to keep someone elses "secrets" to myself. I don't feel like I have to tell you everything about "C" or what happened yesterday so that you will have the full story just so I am justified. I am very comfortable with my position in this situation. ESPECIALLY based on the "last" reason she was mad at me, and what she said to me after John dropped us off. I can only assume that this one was just as selfish. When I wrote my blog yesterday saying our friendship was over and I have no regrets I should have listened to myself, I should have left it at that.
Sadly most of us put expectations on our friends, we expect them to be sensitive to our feelings, our ups and downs, our mistakes, etc etc. When they don't meet our expectations do we get angry at them? Do we stop talking to them? Ignore them when we see them out? Or do we tell them why we are upset? I guess it would depend on the "severity" of the issue. If my depression is so severe that my friends get "mad" at me well then Ill take the blame. Its just easier that way
Last week she was mad at me because on Monday I turned down a makeup job she asked me to do and on Tuesday the day my Doctor suggested I go back into the hospital I didn't want to talk with her about it. Either reason in my mind are very selfish reasons to be MAD at someone else. I can understand frustrated and I can understand fed up, but do those things really constitute her then ignoring me and telling me she has nothing to say to me when I ask her why she isn't replying to me? Because I didn't live up to her expectations I am the bad guy? (see last blog post if you are confused)
Because of my depression and being "down" I didn't quite have it in me to do a makeup job, plus I no longer have my own makeup kit, it was stolen a few years ago. I sometimes use a friends makeup kit when I do someones drag makeup but the tools and makeup are not of the "caliber" i need to do makeup for a commercial. You need a certain type of foundation, proper colors, etc etc. Is the commercial video or film because its different for each of those too. A drag queens (a non PRO drag queen) makeup kit would hardly fill the bill for this job. Secondly its not really easy being creative when you are depressed either. I actually found this article on dealing with depression as an artist. Read it here The makeup job was originally scheduled for Friday and I was actually feeling fine on Friday, but there was no way for me to know that. But as I said, without the proper tools the job may not have come out too well. Is that a price your willing to pay for a client?
Yesterday I was having a great time with my friend John. we met up with "C" after she went to the Hole with another friend. Things were going great, but I guess this is where I stop writing about what happened. As I said in my Facebook status last night, I'm not afraid of looking foolish to people because I am going to keep someone elses "secrets" to myself. I don't feel like I have to tell you everything about "C" or what happened yesterday so that you will have the full story just so I am justified. I am very comfortable with my position in this situation. ESPECIALLY based on the "last" reason she was mad at me, and what she said to me after John dropped us off. I can only assume that this one was just as selfish. When I wrote my blog yesterday saying our friendship was over and I have no regrets I should have listened to myself, I should have left it at that.
Sadly most of us put expectations on our friends, we expect them to be sensitive to our feelings, our ups and downs, our mistakes, etc etc. When they don't meet our expectations do we get angry at them? Do we stop talking to them? Ignore them when we see them out? Or do we tell them why we are upset? I guess it would depend on the "severity" of the issue. If my depression is so severe that my friends get "mad" at me well then Ill take the blame. Its just easier that way
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Cleaning house with no regrets/always go with your gut instinsts
I dont know if its a certain age you reach or just a certain point in life, where you just make an unconscious decision to no longer deal with other peoples drama and bullshit.
In the past couple of months I have made choices to no longer deal with people after they have exhibited behavior thats either dramatic or irrational, or just simply straight up lying. I instantly wipe them away and I have no regrets about it at all.
Ive recently done this with 2 friends of mine, and I truly have not second guessed my decision or regretted it one bit.
Today I came to the realization that my best friend and I would no longer be best friends. Im not going to write about all of our issues here, because to be quite honest I dont really know what happened she just suddenly stopped communicating with me, at first it hurt my feelings but after she didnt reply to 2 text messages 2 days in a row and ignored me when she walked into Baja Bettys, I finally sent her an email, that said "you wanna tell me why you arent replying to me?" well she replied to the mail and her response was I have nothing to say to you. .. Well thats all I needed to hear.. Dont need the drama thanks. Like I said Im not gonna go on about it here. I dont need to get it all off my chest, I am surprisingly feeling OK about this, I mean I would be lying if I said it didnt bother me a little bit, after all I am up at 3:45 writing a blog post about it. But i think my current anxiety was caused by her blocking me from reading her wall on Facebook last night, So just to make it easier on her I removed her as a friend, but sent her an email telling her why.
Its going to be weird not having a "best friend" anymore but I also feel like there is this huge weight lifted off of me. Its hard to explain with out saying too much about how our relationship was. But i feel a small sense of relief and freedom.
I do know that I have SO many friends that I enjoy spending time with that I have probably neglected because I was always with my "Best Girl" Just this afternoon I hung out with two friends, one of which I have known longer than my old BFF and another friend Ive known almost as long and I thought WOW I've really been missing out on interacting with other people I enjoy, people that dont need constant attention or reassuring that they look good, or crying because some girl looked at them wrong, or any other issues that come up with straight girls... sorry to all my straight girl friends but its true, y'all can be a lot of work.
Yesterday morning my friend Jeffrey reminded me that I need to worry more about me instead of other people, he and I both agree that its a sad way to be and against both of our nature to not worry about other people.. But with all that I have been through in the past 6 months it really is the best way for me to handle things.
TAKE CARE OF #1
Well I guess thats all for now. Gonna see if I can sleep a couple hours before my 7AM client shows up
In the past couple of months I have made choices to no longer deal with people after they have exhibited behavior thats either dramatic or irrational, or just simply straight up lying. I instantly wipe them away and I have no regrets about it at all.
Ive recently done this with 2 friends of mine, and I truly have not second guessed my decision or regretted it one bit.
Today I came to the realization that my best friend and I would no longer be best friends. Im not going to write about all of our issues here, because to be quite honest I dont really know what happened she just suddenly stopped communicating with me, at first it hurt my feelings but after she didnt reply to 2 text messages 2 days in a row and ignored me when she walked into Baja Bettys, I finally sent her an email, that said "you wanna tell me why you arent replying to me?" well she replied to the mail and her response was I have nothing to say to you. .. Well thats all I needed to hear.. Dont need the drama thanks. Like I said Im not gonna go on about it here. I dont need to get it all off my chest, I am surprisingly feeling OK about this, I mean I would be lying if I said it didnt bother me a little bit, after all I am up at 3:45 writing a blog post about it. But i think my current anxiety was caused by her blocking me from reading her wall on Facebook last night, So just to make it easier on her I removed her as a friend, but sent her an email telling her why.
Its going to be weird not having a "best friend" anymore but I also feel like there is this huge weight lifted off of me. Its hard to explain with out saying too much about how our relationship was. But i feel a small sense of relief and freedom.
I do know that I have SO many friends that I enjoy spending time with that I have probably neglected because I was always with my "Best Girl" Just this afternoon I hung out with two friends, one of which I have known longer than my old BFF and another friend Ive known almost as long and I thought WOW I've really been missing out on interacting with other people I enjoy, people that dont need constant attention or reassuring that they look good, or crying because some girl looked at them wrong, or any other issues that come up with straight girls... sorry to all my straight girl friends but its true, y'all can be a lot of work.
Yesterday morning my friend Jeffrey reminded me that I need to worry more about me instead of other people, he and I both agree that its a sad way to be and against both of our nature to not worry about other people.. But with all that I have been through in the past 6 months it really is the best way for me to handle things.
TAKE CARE OF #1
Well I guess thats all for now. Gonna see if I can sleep a couple hours before my 7AM client shows up
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