Mr Van de Mark

I met Brian many years ago, in an undisclosed location :-)
Hes given me advice, interviewed me for articles he wrote for the GLT, helped me through a difficult day or two, he was always direct and at times brutally honest, he would tell me these long drawn out stories about his mother, but it always seemed to come back to the situation I was going through. Brian was battling cancer and I am so happy he is no longer in pain. I will miss him greatly.





Death has surrounded me the past couple of months. Its one thing that saddens me beyond measure.

What happened to the passion?

I used to be passionate about stuff. Now I dont even care.

I used to be passionate about causes, I used to have a passion for my work, Ive been passionate about people at times. Now I dont care much about anything, Ill go days without getting off the couch, showering, or at times even brushing my teeth.

Sometimes I take the worlds problems on as my own, I start to get in this thought process that I hate the direction the country or the world is going and it really starts to get me down. It can be triggered by something as small as people not using a turn signal to something as big as a national election. So rather than get myself goin on a downward spiral of hating stuff, i chose to just not think about it. But that brings me to the place I am now.. Not feeling anything at all. Or maybe its all these pills the Dr has me on right now. Whatever it is its not working.. This entire week Ive been down in the dumps, not wanting to leave my couch and do anything..

I dont know what the point of this blog post was, I know everyone on Facebook is tired of hearing me bitch, last night some asshole called me a messy drama queen.. Ive never even met this guy, he lives in Columbus, Ohio.. He has no idea of my history or what I have been through. I promptly removed him as a friend after his little "tirade" on my status update, telling me how him and the rest of my friends were sick of hearing me go on and on. Ive taken a break from Twitter.. Ive posted a couple of things there but no one responds so I feel like Ive worn out my welcome there.

Its seems that the stuff I want a response to on Facebook gets nothing and the dumb "innocent" things i post causes a flurry of debate. Im thinkin i should maybe take a break from Facebook too? But then what would I do all day? My Psychiatrist thinks im looking to Facebook and Twitter for too much validation. Hes probably right, if it werent were Facebook I wouldnt even feel relevant at times

Right now Im supposed to be getting ready to go to my mothers house but I dont feel like going anywhere..

Will I ever get out of here?

I have a few good days and a few more bad days, at times I wonder if I will ever be completely out from under this dark cloud. Im not living the life I want to live, I dont know that I will ever be completely happy again. Im miserable, Im fat, Im lonely and Im not doing anything to get better, I just have set back after set back.. If it weren't for my cat I probably wouldn't smile some days. I was going on walks with my friend Jeffrey but Im tired of those walks. The only thing they do is help take up some time during the day.. Id rather lay on the couch then walk around the park.

I know that sometimes just sitting here with my thoughts are not good, they do start to go to dark places, but thats when I just go to sleep. Ive been trying to get to my Moms house for a week now, at first it was my anxiety that kept me from going, now I just dont have the energy or motivation to drive up there. Theres not a whole to do there either so Id just be doing the same thing there Im doing here..

Well see what tomorrow brings, maybe Ill get the motivation to go there for the weekend.

What else can I do

Im so tired of doing everything Im supposed to be doing and getting nowhere

I dont like my new therapist.. after 3 months of working with my last one I felt like I was finally getting somewhere before he died. This one I just dont think Ill bother going back to. i finally am warming up to my Psychiatrist, he actually took an interest in what Im telling him, he thinks Im looking to the wrong places for validation like Twitter and Facebook. He suggested I give one or both of them up for a while and see how it effects me. SO i decided to give up Twitter. its been a little over 24 hours now I do miss it a lot. I dont know how long I will be able to stay away from Twitter, Ive actually built some relationships there that have extended into real life.

A couple of weeks ago when I went to the Medi Cal office I was given a check list of all the things I needed to supply them by March 20th.. ALL of which completed, then today I get a letter in the mail with an additional list of items I need to supply by April 2nd. This list includes letters from my Doctors ALL of which I have seen already this month so now I have to make more appointments to see them and have these forms filled out.. This shit isnt easy..

Im also really feeling lonely again.. Most people just dont understand. I have TONS of friends and people to keep me busy but my body actually aches at times to be close to someone. As I type these words Im in tears. Im a cuddler and someone that requires the human touch. I feel bad for the first guy I start to date because im sure the first time we cuddle Ill start to cry from happiness.

Im feeling so down again this week.. I dont wanna do anything.. I just wanna lay here and watch TV.

Another bad day

So yesterday I thought that someone I "know" was secretly writing a blog that I consider to be hurtful and harmful to others. Read the story here.

Well I asked this person directly if it was him, I also sent an email to Cory letting him know of my thought on it being this person. Cory has been included in this persons blog, anyway Cory doesnt think it is him and the person I thought it was also convinced me it wasnt it. Diante also sent me a message saying that I was wrong. I was so convinced it was this person that I was in tears yesterday over it.

Cory sent me a couple nice emails yesterday and that should have made me feel better but I still had this dark cloud over me. I went on a walk with my friend Jeffrey but I was miserable the entire time. I got home and took a nap and then saw a client. Making a few bucks usually makes me feel better, but this time it didnt.

My day sorta got worse while I was on Facebook yesterday I saw that my BFF and Cory were new friends, they had been Facebook friends when we were dating and during the fallout Cory removed her..I understand that, thats natural.
Cory told me yesterday he knows that someday we will be friends again, but hes been giving me space to work on me. I follow his blog and we have many mutual friends in common so I know enough of what he is up to (hes been dating someone) that doesnt bother me at all, (although I wish I was dating someone life is so tough going through all of this with out some hugs and cuddling.) But last night the BFF told me what she and Cory had briefly chatted about, it was all pretty general until the part when he told her that he spent Sunday on the couch with his boyfriend. OK I already knew that he had a boyfriend but why did he tell her??? AWKWARD!!! She said she felt a little uncomfortable, and I can understand why.. This is MY best friend!!! One moment he tells me hes giving me space the next hes sending a friend request to MY best friend tellin her whats goin on in his life. Part of me is a little jealous that he and I aren't to that point yet. But Im just not ready.. Now Cheri is upset because she thinks SHE did something wrong by accepting the friend request and chatting with him, but in all honesty I feel Cory slightly crossed the line there. He put her in an awkward position and now people are feeling bad because of a few words he said. I dont feel he did anything to intentionally hurt me but I AM hurting a little bit over this. Now I feel like the progress that was made yesterday from his emails have been canceled out.

Thank God I have therapy and I see my Dr today because right now I feel like crawling back into bed and staying there the rest of the week.

Diante's Inferno ?

This is probably the least eloquent blog post I have ever written, its all over the place and wont make sense to most of you.

Ive been following someones blog lately after seeing him comment on the blog of someone I used to date, and on my blog as well. When I first read his blog I was a little freaked out because he speaks of getting even and how he is so angry... He hasnt "gone after" me in his blog. The comments he has made on my blog were in support of me but still freaked me out a bit.

After reading his blog some of the things he was saying seemed VERY familiar, so familiar that I believed they were things that I had once said myself about one person in particular. Well heres a link to his blog, Diante it wont make sense to many of you and Im not going to point out the things I am talking about, because I dont want to give any validation to these statements he is making.

Now here is this point of this blog post.. After reading his blog today I think I have figured out who Diante is. I used to have a big crush on this guy. He was very supportive of me when I was going through a rough patch. We only talked on the phone once, most of our interaction was on Facebook. There so much in his blog that doesnt make sense, like the prescription drug use and the heavy drinking, but when I think about it it could make sense because this person is a pharmaceutical company sales rep and I dont really know him at all.

Once i thought I figured it out, I went back and re-read his blog and I see so many similarities in what he has said directly to me in the past and words and phrases he uses in his blog.

I really want to be wrong about this for many reasons. First and foremost I dont want to think that he is in this much pain, I dont want to think that all the support he gave me was fake or out of spite of someone else, and I dont want to believe he would be so vindictive.

Im a little torn up about this right now.. He just posted something on my FB wall the other day asking me how I was doing..

Diante..Please tell me I am wrong about this..

The luck of the Irish?

Well I aint Irish, but my luck seems to be changing..

Yesterday I found out I do qualify for some of the Government aid I applied for last week. This morning I put a pic of my Craftsman tool chest on Facebook, and it was sold within minutes.. I really hated to part with it, I LOVED it so much and I sold it pretty darn cheap but I really needed the money.



I havent really done anything differently the past few days, my attitude has been a little better simply based on some good stuff happening. A date this past Sunday, cute guys flirting and giving me their number at Urban Mo's and at the Hole, not that I base my happiness on other guys but come on ya know you feel good when hotties flirt with you. The help from Uncle Sam, and selling the tool chest, I hope I can keep this "roll" going.. Right now Im off to some Drs appointments that should help me with these Government "benefits" and tomorrow I have to complete an orientation for my help from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Friday or Saturday Ill get a haircut and maybe some new shoes for all the walking Im doing and maybe a couple T-shirts. Ill feel like a new person!! I guess my theme song of this week comes from Patti La Belle!!



Wish me luck for the rest of my week to go as well as it has so far!!