So today started out like any other day..
Woke up, had my coffee then Facebooked for awhile.
Then Jeffrey called to see if I wanted to go on a walk.. During the walk we saw Jerry and waved to him. Our walk of course led us to Baja Bettys.. We settled into our stools and the handsome Russell walked in, wow not only is he sexy as hell but hes super sweet too, so down to earth and real.. Im tellin you if that man weren't already attached Id be chasing him big time. Soon Cheri joined us then Noah, then Heidi.. We chatted with Courtney for awhile, Keven J, and Dave O were there happy and smiling.. I got a post on my Facebook wall from David C that made me smile. The two hotties next to us were familiar from days gone by as well. I was havin the time of my life.. Surrounded by all the people I know and love I couldn't help but to smile HUGE.
It doesnt end there, I had to hightail it to dinner at Zios with Frank and Eric and we had so much fun chatting about people and that TV show Spartacus and doing some funky math with Darren.. 365 x 20 years does NOT equal 5 digits bitches!!
I thought about goin out for a little bit with Frank, but I had a full day and I also need to know when to stop so the fun doesn't end.. Does that make sense?
It was really a good day... and the best part was just being surrounded by people I love.
Thanks everyone!!
Kurt
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Good times
On Monday I got the courage to apply for a job online. I dont know that Im 100% qualified for the job, but applying for it gave me a little hope and thats a HUGE thing for me lately. Ive had such feelings of hopelessness these past few months. I think this particular situation was a good building block for me because I truly dont expect to get the job but just having the confidence to even apply for it is a big step. Ive really been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life or at least what the next career chapter will be..
Last night I got a random text from a friend asking if I had emailed Cory (last guy I dated) It was so weird.. I replied NO I havent had any communication with him in a while.. I guess we both "tweeted" something vague or cryptic within a few minutes of each other leading our friend to think we were talking. I dont know if that that will ever happen. IDK why Im writing about it, I guess just cuz it was a weird thing that happened.
I just got back from going to Erics House, (my friend that recently died.) It gets easier each time so that leads me to believe that I'll be able to handle going to his Celebration of Life. Im not one to do funerals or memorials, but I think Im gonna go to this one.
The last 2 days Ive been taking walks during the day, yesterday was a long one, today not so long, but I think they are doin me some good, I feel it in my legs and my ass so if thats the only thing that i get out of it, Im all for it!
Well its time to head out to lunch with a couple friends.. signing off for now
Last night I got a random text from a friend asking if I had emailed Cory (last guy I dated) It was so weird.. I replied NO I havent had any communication with him in a while.. I guess we both "tweeted" something vague or cryptic within a few minutes of each other leading our friend to think we were talking. I dont know if that that will ever happen. IDK why Im writing about it, I guess just cuz it was a weird thing that happened.
I just got back from going to Erics House, (my friend that recently died.) It gets easier each time so that leads me to believe that I'll be able to handle going to his Celebration of Life. Im not one to do funerals or memorials, but I think Im gonna go to this one.
The last 2 days Ive been taking walks during the day, yesterday was a long one, today not so long, but I think they are doin me some good, I feel it in my legs and my ass so if thats the only thing that i get out of it, Im all for it!
Well its time to head out to lunch with a couple friends.. signing off for now
Friday, February 19, 2010
That time of the month
For the 5th month in a row my depression is starting to kick in at the same time it has each preceding month.
In November I went into the hospital on the 23rd, December I went back into the hospital on the 19th. In January my mood dropped around the 20th but I held it together because my Mothers birthday was coming up on the 23rd and since I was in the hospital ON Thanksgiving and just before Christmas i wanted to tough it out so she would have a nice birthday.
I noticed the other day (the 18th) that my mood was starting to dip again. Ive had some good sessions with my therapist but Im afraid Im a long way off from feelin great again.
I didnt really realize how much my self esteem was affected by someone. He was always pretty critical of me, mostly after we dated but looking back now there were lots of times he pointed out things he didnt like or stuff that bothered him even while we were dating. I was never the instigator when we were dating. When I started to "retaliate" or point out his short comings there was never any agreement or apologies from him, just him pointing out more stuff that was wrong with me. Recently he has started blogging about stuff that should make me feel better, him talking about being diagnosed as bi-polar (which he thinks was a misdiagnosis) how he thinks he is a bitter person, recently he said how he has resentment towards his old roommate because she took advantage of him. The roommate situation sticks out to me because it is something we argued about. He was SO defensive and almost hostile about me bringing it up. Was he being defensive because I was right? Or was he just in denial? Either way why would you get angry about it? why tell someone they are wrong and continue to fight back by pointing out my faults? Like I said I should be feeling better after reading all of this, I should feel vindicated, but all I feel is anger real anger towards him for belittling me and making me feel like the bad guy all the time. Im also worried that hes about to snap. Back when we first met he told me he budgeted $100.00 per WEEK for weekend fun.. Cabs, beer, gas etc. If he would just stay home ONE weekend a month he could afford to see a therapist each month, but God forbid someone tell him whats wrong with him.
All these months later I cant believe the anger I still have towards him. The sad thing is he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong.. Today his blog talks about the issues and anger he has had this past YEAR.. Thanks for tryin to date me while you were in step #3 bargaining and angry!! YOU WILL NEVER FIND PEACE UNTIL YOU FIND ALL THE PIECES.
Dont get me wrong there were lots of good times too, but the criticism really stuck with me. I am someone that takes things to heart, if you tell me im broken I have no reason not to believe you, I do consider this to be a fault. So am I angry at him for making me feel so bad? or angry at myself for allowing it to happen?
Today is the funeral for Bob (see here) back in Ohio. Next Sunday is the Celebration of Life for Eric I havent decided if Im going to be able to attend or not, typically I dont go to memorial services because I get too emotional. The other night at Baja Bettys some of Eric's co workers gathered to remember Eric and I kept looking back in the room they were in and wanting so badly to go back there. So who knows maybe I'll go next Sunday.
I met with one of my Doctors last week about going on disability because of my depression and how its effecting my health, he said i seem to be doing much better and its unlikely that Id be approved. I guess low self esteem doesnt qualify me for disability. I cant seem to muster up the confidence to try and find a job, maybe Im just afraid of more rejection?
I guess its time to wrap this one up.. The words arent flowing anymore..
In November I went into the hospital on the 23rd, December I went back into the hospital on the 19th. In January my mood dropped around the 20th but I held it together because my Mothers birthday was coming up on the 23rd and since I was in the hospital ON Thanksgiving and just before Christmas i wanted to tough it out so she would have a nice birthday.
I noticed the other day (the 18th) that my mood was starting to dip again. Ive had some good sessions with my therapist but Im afraid Im a long way off from feelin great again.
I didnt really realize how much my self esteem was affected by someone. He was always pretty critical of me, mostly after we dated but looking back now there were lots of times he pointed out things he didnt like or stuff that bothered him even while we were dating. I was never the instigator when we were dating. When I started to "retaliate" or point out his short comings there was never any agreement or apologies from him, just him pointing out more stuff that was wrong with me. Recently he has started blogging about stuff that should make me feel better, him talking about being diagnosed as bi-polar (which he thinks was a misdiagnosis) how he thinks he is a bitter person, recently he said how he has resentment towards his old roommate because she took advantage of him. The roommate situation sticks out to me because it is something we argued about. He was SO defensive and almost hostile about me bringing it up. Was he being defensive because I was right? Or was he just in denial? Either way why would you get angry about it? why tell someone they are wrong and continue to fight back by pointing out my faults? Like I said I should be feeling better after reading all of this, I should feel vindicated, but all I feel is anger real anger towards him for belittling me and making me feel like the bad guy all the time. Im also worried that hes about to snap. Back when we first met he told me he budgeted $100.00 per WEEK for weekend fun.. Cabs, beer, gas etc. If he would just stay home ONE weekend a month he could afford to see a therapist each month, but God forbid someone tell him whats wrong with him.
All these months later I cant believe the anger I still have towards him. The sad thing is he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong.. Today his blog talks about the issues and anger he has had this past YEAR.. Thanks for tryin to date me while you were in step #3 bargaining and angry!! YOU WILL NEVER FIND PEACE UNTIL YOU FIND ALL THE PIECES.
Dont get me wrong there were lots of good times too, but the criticism really stuck with me. I am someone that takes things to heart, if you tell me im broken I have no reason not to believe you, I do consider this to be a fault. So am I angry at him for making me feel so bad? or angry at myself for allowing it to happen?
Today is the funeral for Bob (see here) back in Ohio. Next Sunday is the Celebration of Life for Eric I havent decided if Im going to be able to attend or not, typically I dont go to memorial services because I get too emotional. The other night at Baja Bettys some of Eric's co workers gathered to remember Eric and I kept looking back in the room they were in and wanting so badly to go back there. So who knows maybe I'll go next Sunday.
I met with one of my Doctors last week about going on disability because of my depression and how its effecting my health, he said i seem to be doing much better and its unlikely that Id be approved. I guess low self esteem doesnt qualify me for disability. I cant seem to muster up the confidence to try and find a job, maybe Im just afraid of more rejection?
I guess its time to wrap this one up.. The words arent flowing anymore..
Daily moods
Im not gonna do this daily mood thing on my blog, its dull and boring and the past couple of days somewhat depressing, im gonna attempt do this in a notebook or on a chart that a friend told me she uses. My mood is starting to crash really fast and Im not sure why. Im gonna head to my moms house for a few days to see if I can ride it out.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Something new
Im doing something new on my blog now, something my therapist wants me to sort of track for him on a daily basis. Its gonna be very boring to many of you. Ill be writing a paragraph each morning to talk about my sleep the night before and also give the previous day a mood rating from 1-10.
Last night I feel asleep pretty early due to the fact that I didnt sleep well the previous night, I woke up again at 3:30am but I was able to fall back to sleep and stay in bed til 8:30AM thats a lot more sleep than I generally get but I was makin up for a couple bad nights this week already. I had a couple things happen to bring me down a little, one of which I dreamed of so I think its gonna bug me for awhile unless i handle this situation with a friend. Id have to rate my day at a 5
Last night I feel asleep pretty early due to the fact that I didnt sleep well the previous night, I woke up again at 3:30am but I was able to fall back to sleep and stay in bed til 8:30AM thats a lot more sleep than I generally get but I was makin up for a couple bad nights this week already. I had a couple things happen to bring me down a little, one of which I dreamed of so I think its gonna bug me for awhile unless i handle this situation with a friend. Id have to rate my day at a 5
Monday, February 15, 2010
Bittersweet feelings
So I still read the blog of someone I was once close to.. Friends have told me I shouldnt, but I do. I think because I find some of the stuff he posts to be funny and partially because Im still looking for answers as to why things went so badly between us. As I have stated before I am friends/friendly with every guy I have ever dated until now. I still have struggles wondering was it entirely me? He would never apologize for anything so that always led me to believe maybe I was the one that was always wrong.
However reading his blog has really helped me to realize that I wasnt THE bad guy, it was probably equally both of our faults. However in his blog today he went on about what a bitter person he is, how he doesnt put energy into things because "whats the point" and how he wouldnt even date himself right now. I dont feel good that he feels this way about himself but it sure has helped me to feel better about how I handled myself. Im finally getting the answers to questions Ive had.. Im not a bad person, Im not THAT difficult to get along with. The day he and I broke up was all about how I hold a grudge how I wont let anything go, essentially it was all about what a bad person I was,(in my mind anyway) and that feeling never left me, its what triggered me to want to hurt myself one day, and has been difficult letting that go.
I complained about how he never would let anyone get close, how he didnt open himself up to anyone. A recent blog post of his he said something to the effect of not being really close to someone he has known for like 17 years and even lived with this person 2 different times. That helped me realize that him not opening up to me had NOTHING to do with me. One of our email conversations/arguments he told me that he knew there was something not right about me in the very beginning so he didnt allow himself to get close.. Well I call BULLSHIT on that one. It had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him. I never understand people that lie to try and make a point.
I will continue to read his blog, because im finally getting the answers and starting to feel better about myself. I dont like the fact that he is so down on himself now, but I also have to say what comes around goes around and if youre lying and denying that your actions have caused someone pain that pain is gonna come right back to you at some point.
However reading his blog has really helped me to realize that I wasnt THE bad guy, it was probably equally both of our faults. However in his blog today he went on about what a bitter person he is, how he doesnt put energy into things because "whats the point" and how he wouldnt even date himself right now. I dont feel good that he feels this way about himself but it sure has helped me to feel better about how I handled myself. Im finally getting the answers to questions Ive had.. Im not a bad person, Im not THAT difficult to get along with. The day he and I broke up was all about how I hold a grudge how I wont let anything go, essentially it was all about what a bad person I was,(in my mind anyway) and that feeling never left me, its what triggered me to want to hurt myself one day, and has been difficult letting that go.
I complained about how he never would let anyone get close, how he didnt open himself up to anyone. A recent blog post of his he said something to the effect of not being really close to someone he has known for like 17 years and even lived with this person 2 different times. That helped me realize that him not opening up to me had NOTHING to do with me. One of our email conversations/arguments he told me that he knew there was something not right about me in the very beginning so he didnt allow himself to get close.. Well I call BULLSHIT on that one. It had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him. I never understand people that lie to try and make a point.
I will continue to read his blog, because im finally getting the answers and starting to feel better about myself. I dont like the fact that he is so down on himself now, but I also have to say what comes around goes around and if youre lying and denying that your actions have caused someone pain that pain is gonna come right back to you at some point.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A little disgusted
So you may remember me blogging about a friend that recently died.. If not see here ERIC & BOB Recently Ive noticed a lot of different people suddenly coming out of the woodwork trying to get close to these people.. Mostly I have noticed this with one of them more than the other.. I shouldnt even be writing about this but I have had it with one particular person.. Someone I was once close with has a new roommate that claims he was dating someone that he CLEARLY was not dating. But I have now heard this from 2 different people that heard it directly from him. They werent even friends on Facebook until January 28th or 29th so the chances they were DATING are pretty slim. By him saying this, he is insulting and hurting people that truly were close to this person. I really want to go on, but i think I better stop. This punk ass bitch isnt worth writing about anymore.. He has caused me too much grief in the past and his actions continue to prove me right.. He seems to latch on to any "hot topic" that is relevant regarding the military, friends, or anything else where he can get some attention.. OK im done.. off my soapbox now..
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