Addictions

Ive had A LOT of different addictions in my life. The usual addictions most people have, plus shopping, eating, FACEBOOK, I get addicted to people too. Its like a drug.. I just need a little bit more, just one night, just one hug.. Gotta have it man.. THEN the hug comes.. Ahhh big sigh of relief. I can get on with my day now. The one thing they all have in common is that they prevent me from paying attention to what I should be. Hey at least I recognize it.. Im not complaining just observing..

Fairweather Friend????

A couple of weeks ago a friend all of a sudden deleted me on Facebook.. I thought it was a mistake, but he deleted me because of something I said on another friends page. It was all very odd and there really was no valid reason for doing what he did.. He didnt like that people were talking about him behind his back. He got a little paranoid about NOTHING, what he thought was happening was the exact opposite of what truly was happening.. at least on my end. Funny thing was he wasnt even being mentioned in this situation that he got upset about... Its all a little confusing but TRUST ME, he was confused as to what was going on and reacted to something that wasnt even happening.

ANYWAY i wanted to iron this stuff out with him so I kept pushing him to meet face to face to talk. He finally agreed to it and I went to his house for dinner. Well he didnt like the way the conversation was going, and he asked me to leave!!! He was getting so angry that the veins were popping out in his neck and he was clenching his fists. I was happy to leave. I was honestly a little scared. HES A BIG MUSCLE GUY!! Well I was still pretty shocked at the situation and I put something about it on Facebook. A mutual friend sent me an email and said he has seen him do that 3 different times to people. He went on to say maybe it was an un-medicated Bi-Polar disorder or maybe even "roid rage". Well the next morning I received an apology text message from him, he said he had a bad weekend, and was feeling a little low.. I dont wanna get into the kind of weekend I had and how low I was feeling..BUT I didnt blow up at him.. I replied a few hours later but he never responded to that.

Fast forward a week or so. I ran into him while at the movies.. He was cordial, as was I but I had no "love for him" anymore. He blew up at me and asked me to leave his house!! anyway he and his friend went his way and we went ours and everything was fine. A couple of nights ago I received a text message from someone (not in my contact list and no signature on message) asking me how the move went. I replied saying sorry I dont know who this is. they replied REALLY?? Ummm YEP sorry I don't know who this is. They said No worries and that was that. Well of course now I know it was the same person that asked me to leave his house. After he blew up at me I knew he was not someone I would be hangin out with again so I deleted him from my phone. I felt bad about it for a minute but then I thought that's odd to me as well. You cant just drop an apology via text message and pretend it never happened NOT when you have a history at blowing up at people. I have enough stress in my life I dont want to be on my tip toes anytime Im around him.

Who knows what he thinks or what hes sayin about the situation. Obviously he was trying to be nice by texting me. But theres so much goin on in my life and I just dont have the energy to give him right now. I dont even know why I care... But obviously I do.. Im sittin here writing about it

Revelations - 5AM

I didn't realize how much I counted on someone else for my security and happiness. Things in my world are falling apart but forget about all that.. I had a boyfriend, so things aren't so bad, right?
Ive already apologized to him for putting that kind of pressure on him. This morning I was laying in bed thinking.. God I feel soooo scared right now, if I could just see him and spend some time with him.. have a COUPLE drinks, Cuddle, get some hugs, everything would be alright. WOW!!!!!!!!!! First of all not only is that incredibly selfish but its not very healthy. OR is it? We accept hugs from friends all the time to "feel better" cant I be choosy who I get my hugs from? Is it so bad to just wanna take a little break from all my stress?

We've been communicating better than ever the last few days.. I'm happy about that, hes been SOOO incredibly supportive. He hasnt blogged anything lately except pictures of HOT men. I think hes starting to talk with friends more instead of blogging. Ironic isn't it? Its like we tradeed ways of communicating Of course that's just my theory.. I don't know thats the reason for sure.

Is it too soon to want to spend time together? Hes probably booked up until next week anyway. He is definitely moving full steam ahead with his life as am I but mine doesn't include too much fun stuff. Still I cant help but to have a little hope that he wants to see me too. Yesterday he sent me an invite to a mutual friends Birthday Party... For one one brief moment I hoped he was asking me if I wanted to go together. I KNEW he wasn't but I HOPED he was.. He wasn't, I had told him last week I never got a copy of the invite, SO being sweet (and probably trying to help me stay busy) he made sure I got a copy of the invite..

I don't have any reason to believe he reads my Blog, but I also don't have any reason to believe he doesn't. As I said in a previous blog, Im starting to like communicating this way.. sort of. My thought is I can put it out there but I dont KNOW if anyone is reading it so Im just sorta putting it out there and hoping. EXCEPT I just noticed I have 2 followers now, but they dont really read this crap.. Hopefully soon my blog posts will turn back to happy thoughts.. I really do wanna be happy again.

So many thoughts, too much time on my hands

NOW I GET IT!! I used to complain about the way we communicated, of course now I get it. If it weren't for this blogging thing the last few days I would be going crazy not being able to express myself. Im different in the fact that I share everything the second it enters my mind.. He lets is kind of marinate and simmer awhile before putting it out there. Im too impatient most of the time. I need that instant gratification?? One thing I noticed is that If I blog the moment a situation arises or happens I have a HUGE amount of anger in me.. Im a vindictive nasty bitch. BUT, If I let it simmer I then start scaling back and making things "nicer".. Whats the right way to go here? Say whats on your mind at that very moment? or type it save it and revisit it later?
Its a hard question to answer because in a face to face conversation there are no "go backs", you arent supposed to go to bed angry, etc etc... But the more I think about it the more this blogging thing makes sense. BUT then are we being our true authentic self if we arent expressing our GUT feelings?? IM SO CONFUSED


There are so many things I learned from him in such a short amount of time.. He continues to wow me (and sometimes confuse me) with his Facebook posts. Hes really intelligent. Today I even had to email a friend and ask them.. what did that mean??

Why cant we see things clearly when were "in the situation" why is hindsight always 20/20.. It helps to write about this stuff and it hurts at the same time.. Ive cried a little bit, but I haven't had that really big cry, I think Im afraid of having it, Im afraid of where it may lead me? I just have one more client today and then a friend is coming over tonight to help me sort through my feelings. I hope hes ready for a big ol cry baby.. Ive been really down today, not just with the relationship situation, but everything.. Im starting to really hate my job.. I wanna go work at Baja Bettys and not have a care in the world, I have so many people depending on me all the time, its alot of stress.. Clients need me NOW, 2 different landlords need $ NOW.. Too much stress and pressure for me.. I gotta make a change

Another sad love song.

This isn't even a night I would normally see him but the thought of going home to my empty place right now is such a downer. Maybe its the thought of not being able to share the happenings of my day with him? Then that turns into the thought of never getting to cuddle with him again , or see him laugh, or even disagree with him. Why couldnt we work it out? Do I think im so fuckin important that I cant try just a little bit harder?

The thoughts of NEVER being able to share stuff with him again are bad enough but then my mind goes on to wonder if Ill ever have ANYONE to share stuff with at all. I keep "catching myself"before askin him if he wants to do something or go somewhere together. So many friends are commenting on how its cuddle weather right now and that depresses me greatly. But then the worst thoughts are yet to come.

The possibility of never having anyone to share the rest of my life with..and dying alone... That is a lot of pressure to put on someone, I wonder if he felt that pressure, I sure hope not. I know one night I dumped it on him.. I hope he knows that Im a little stronger than I was at that ONE moment. I, being vague but if he is reading this Im sure he remembers what Im talking about.

JESUS CHRIST why does my mind work like this? I wish I could just crawl into a hole until I felt like smiling again. Im glad the stereo in my car doesn't work.. I couldnt take another sad love song.

I just read on Facebook that a "casual" friend died over the weekend. We have such a short time here with each other. Why cant we just be all be happy with what we have and who we are with... The sadness in my heart right now is so overwhelming..



Toni Braxton - Another Sad Love Song (Official Music Video) - Watch more funny videos here

9 weeks with CZ

First I want to say that there are always two sides to every story. My comments and statements here are in no way meant to imply CZ is not a good person. Anyone that has met him knows that he is sweet, and fun to be around. We only dated 9 weeks and a big portion of that time was very strained by some events happening in my life at the same time, health issues, and everyday obstacles that everyone experiences. I think we both wanted it to work and we truly hoped things could get better, but in the end we are just two TOTALLY different people. We ALL say we dont want to change someone or we wont change for someone, but relationships are about compromise and in a sense isn't that a form of change? I think its a fine line between changing someone and hoping they will meet you half way and when we cross that line its BAD, but usually not intentional. I think we are both hurting right now and we have mutual friends that were probably reaching out to. Dont feel like you have to pick one of us.. There are plenty of hugs to go around. Im gonna miss the good times, and soon (hopefully) we will both forget about the not so fun times.

Hope

Missed my mornin walk with Cheri but my short walk to the Post Office cleared my fuzzy head a little bit. Im amazed at how many thoughts can run through my mind in such a short time...First in my mind is how lucky I am to have met a great guy that is so amazingly patient and understanding, even when I dont see it hes thinking of me. He gave me the most amazing gift last night. It was just one word but it filled my heart.. Hope He has hope for us.. That's how he sticks with me. I put him through a lot, but he sees the big picture better than I do sometimes and I am so grateful to him for that. i gotta slow it down a bit I get so excited about doing something that I make it more complicated than it needs to be and I end up screwing it up. Its never my intention to to that, I just try too hard for some reason. I realized last night how much I can dominate a conversation, I made an effort (although small) to learn something about his world. I asked him about his move at work and as simple as it was I was SO HAPPY to be hearing about his world away from "us". I really gotta start asking him more about him.. He is such a great guy.. I do deserve him... I just need to appreciate him more.. MUAH!!
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