I have been a HUGE fan of Linda Ronstadt for years. This is my favorite song of hers. This live version is OK, but if you ever get the chance to listen to the studio version with the choir youll be blown away. Its amazing.. Sadly the words to this song really hit close to home right now. Its probably a good thing that I forgot about this song until tonight. The video is at the bottom of this page.
When you went away I cried
Cried for so long
And I wanted you to stay
Ah but that was all wrong
The pain you left behind
Has become part of me
And it's burned out a hole
Where my love used to be
But it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place
Well you know I love you
But that wasn't enough
We both fell apart
When things got too tough
And I've learned how to give now
But what good
But what good would that do
No one can touch me
The way you used to do
And it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place
Well I know your opinion
Of me is not good
Please try to understand
That I'd change
Well I'd change if I could
And this coldness inside me
Well it's starting to build
And a woman can't be a woman
Unless she's fulfilled
But it's not losing you
That's got me down so low
I just can't find another man
To take your place
There's no one can
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Fun Zone
For years I was the life of the party, I was always happy, always had a smile on my face. People REALLY enjoyed being around me. My answering machine was always full. Slowly over the past few years that's all changed. I turn down social invites, Id rather stay home alone.. I'll stand in the back of the room instead of front and center like before.
I realized tonight that the end of the fun becomes a major bummer for me. I was having a great time tonight, but I needed to get home and get some rest for my busy day tomorrow. As soon as I left the bar I got SO DOWN. Yesterday I was hanging out with a friend, we had lunch, he helped me move a few things, i was doin alright but as soon as I was getting ready to take him home my mood crashed HARD.
The fun used to never end for me so I guess i never had the "let down". I get so depressed when I realize the fun is over and I have to go back to being alone.. Maybe thats why I turn down invites? If there's no high there will be no low?
Ive always been so independent, but right now the thought of being alone paralyzes me. Im sitting here at home now SO LOW, how does this happen so quickly?? What can I do to change this? The contradictions in my mood from moment to moment are so confusing to me..
I realized tonight that the end of the fun becomes a major bummer for me. I was having a great time tonight, but I needed to get home and get some rest for my busy day tomorrow. As soon as I left the bar I got SO DOWN. Yesterday I was hanging out with a friend, we had lunch, he helped me move a few things, i was doin alright but as soon as I was getting ready to take him home my mood crashed HARD.
The fun used to never end for me so I guess i never had the "let down". I get so depressed when I realize the fun is over and I have to go back to being alone.. Maybe thats why I turn down invites? If there's no high there will be no low?
Ive always been so independent, but right now the thought of being alone paralyzes me. Im sitting here at home now SO LOW, how does this happen so quickly?? What can I do to change this? The contradictions in my mood from moment to moment are so confusing to me..
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sometimes silence isnt golden
I was scared to read his latest blog, its so weird he hasnt written anything in weeks, but for some odd reason I decided to check it last night. He had JUST posted something within minutes of me checking his blog.
There was only one thing there that was a surprise to me, well maybe 2 things. The fact that he was sharing part of himself with everyone was surprising. Some of it was exactly what I had had felt and had expressed through my blog about him, yet not as eloquently or tastefully (I have since removed that post) His blog said SO much but he said it with very few words.. Thats something I would like to learn how to do. SOMETIMES less can be more.
I was so proud of him for doing that for himself. People do like his online persona, but nobody really knows "C". I guess I didnt either. (that was the other surprise in his blog) I think if he does let people in, he would be surprised how much easier REAL friendships and relationships would be. I dont think we ever had a chance with his walls, and my insecurities. Thats like oil and water. We never were 100% comfortable together I guess? Im still debating on that one. I think we had our moments, but maybe those moments were (as he said) with his online persona but not "the whole him" I guess I didnt get to know the real him. That bums me out a lot.
I hope people read his blog and continue to leave supportive comments for him, I think that would help him to realize its OK to share your feelings with people. Maybe not as much as I do. .
There was only one thing there that was a surprise to me, well maybe 2 things. The fact that he was sharing part of himself with everyone was surprising. Some of it was exactly what I had had felt and had expressed through my blog about him, yet not as eloquently or tastefully (I have since removed that post) His blog said SO much but he said it with very few words.. Thats something I would like to learn how to do. SOMETIMES less can be more.
I was so proud of him for doing that for himself. People do like his online persona, but nobody really knows "C". I guess I didnt either. (that was the other surprise in his blog) I think if he does let people in, he would be surprised how much easier REAL friendships and relationships would be. I dont think we ever had a chance with his walls, and my insecurities. Thats like oil and water. We never were 100% comfortable together I guess? Im still debating on that one. I think we had our moments, but maybe those moments were (as he said) with his online persona but not "the whole him" I guess I didnt get to know the real him. That bums me out a lot.
I hope people read his blog and continue to leave supportive comments for him, I think that would help him to realize its OK to share your feelings with people. Maybe not as much as I do. .
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Major revelation..
I try to "save people" not change them, but save them. I have always tried to date the wrong guys. The guys that are broken in some way, unavailable in one way or another or just "not that into me" Those are the ones I try to hold on to the most. If you tell me your broken, BIG MISTAKE to me thats a cry for help and I cant let go until you are "fixed"
If you dont have any issues or if you treat me "too good".. I lose interest and find a way out
When Im not able to "fix" you I get very disappointed. Maybe disappointed in you at first, but then ultimately disappointed in myself for not living up to my unrealistic expectations of myself for not being able to save you.
Some of you maybe thinking, well who is he to think he is able to fix anyone.. I NEVER said I was perfect.. Me trying to save someone is problem in itself, I AM admitting my faults as I figure them out. Thats important to be able to do, because until we can admit to ourselves that we have faults we can never never move past them. We all work our stuff out differently, I (unfortunately) do mine publicly here on my blog. Sometimes I wish I never had learned how to do this blog thing. But I know some of my friends get tired of listening to me talk about it all.
**SIGH**
A new friend sent me this poem today, I wanted to share it with you.
"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we
lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what
we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back...! Don't expect love in
return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if
it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like
someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a
lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth;
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes
you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark
day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart
smile.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to
keep you human, enough hope to make you happy."
If you dont have any issues or if you treat me "too good".. I lose interest and find a way out
When Im not able to "fix" you I get very disappointed. Maybe disappointed in you at first, but then ultimately disappointed in myself for not living up to my unrealistic expectations of myself for not being able to save you.
Some of you maybe thinking, well who is he to think he is able to fix anyone.. I NEVER said I was perfect.. Me trying to save someone is problem in itself, I AM admitting my faults as I figure them out. Thats important to be able to do, because until we can admit to ourselves that we have faults we can never never move past them. We all work our stuff out differently, I (unfortunately) do mine publicly here on my blog. Sometimes I wish I never had learned how to do this blog thing. But I know some of my friends get tired of listening to me talk about it all.
**SIGH**
A new friend sent me this poem today, I wanted to share it with you.
"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we
lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what
we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back...! Don't expect love in
return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if
it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like
someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a
lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth;
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes
you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark
day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart
smile.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to
keep you human, enough hope to make you happy."
Like a buoy in a storm
Ya know those things that are out in the ocean, at the opening of a bay or harbor.
They bounce up and down in the water, during a storm they can sometimes become totally submersed, and pop right back up. Thats what I feel like each day with my moods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Its more down than up. The newspapers are piled up for 3 weeks now, the sink is full of dishes, i havent slept in my bed for over a week, at first it was because a big bed is too lonely, now its because all my clean clothes are piled on top of it and I cant get to it.
The ONLY thing I do take care of is the cat. I feed him and clean his litter box and I love him. I think he realizes I am sad because he lays on the couch with me whenever Im down, hes not sure what to think of the crying though, he runs in the other room and just stares at me.
I have to pull it together somehow, I need a job, I know once I feel like I have some purpose Ill feel better, I'll clean my house, Ill do the dishes. Its hard not having anything to look forward to each day. Maybe thats why I get the morning blues. When you wake up and your lying on the couch you realize.. wow this is all im gonna be doing today, and Im already doing it. Thats nothing to be excited about. Whats the point?
Maybe someday Ill find someone to date again. I doubt it will be anyone off Facebook, not after my meltdown there. Im sure everyone would be scared to go out with me now, no one is gonna wanna be the topic of one of my blogs. As you can see I am learning from my mistakes, I havent talked about anyone else in my blogs. Well except Joan Crawford and my cat, I dont think they mind though.
They bounce up and down in the water, during a storm they can sometimes become totally submersed, and pop right back up. Thats what I feel like each day with my moods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Its more down than up. The newspapers are piled up for 3 weeks now, the sink is full of dishes, i havent slept in my bed for over a week, at first it was because a big bed is too lonely, now its because all my clean clothes are piled on top of it and I cant get to it.
The ONLY thing I do take care of is the cat. I feed him and clean his litter box and I love him. I think he realizes I am sad because he lays on the couch with me whenever Im down, hes not sure what to think of the crying though, he runs in the other room and just stares at me.
I have to pull it together somehow, I need a job, I know once I feel like I have some purpose Ill feel better, I'll clean my house, Ill do the dishes. Its hard not having anything to look forward to each day. Maybe thats why I get the morning blues. When you wake up and your lying on the couch you realize.. wow this is all im gonna be doing today, and Im already doing it. Thats nothing to be excited about. Whats the point?
Maybe someday Ill find someone to date again. I doubt it will be anyone off Facebook, not after my meltdown there. Im sure everyone would be scared to go out with me now, no one is gonna wanna be the topic of one of my blogs. As you can see I am learning from my mistakes, I havent talked about anyone else in my blogs. Well except Joan Crawford and my cat, I dont think they mind though.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Mommie Dearest Moments
If you havent seen the movie you may not know what Im talking about. But try and follow along cuz youll probably understand by the time I am done
Recently I have been doing some stuff that is SOOO crazy that no one in their right mind....um wait a minute...let me re phrase that.
Lately I find myself in the middle of a situation that I have created yet I dont know how I start it or how to stop. Sometimes I dont even realize I am doing it, then all of sudden BAM!!! Oh my god, what did I just do?
If you saw Mommie Dearest dozens of times like I have, youll remember the various times when Joan Crawford was beating Cristina or cutting her hair off or chopping down the tree. She is in the mad mad rage and shes going and going and going then all of a sudden she stops, looks around and realizes what she has done, and starts to cry.
Yep thats me... This past weekend I made some bad choices and I kept doing it over and over again! Until this morning when it all came to a head and I realized WOW what have I done? I know some of you just rolled your eyes and thought oh no Kurt what are you doing? I wish some of you would have said something to me. There were 2 people that tried. One went about it the WRONG way and just made me angrier at that moment on Friday night. The other person on Saturday morning was very kind and told me in a simple calm way that isnt cool, he got to me and I removed the Facebook posts at least. He and I also got a chance to chat at Pecs a little and his calm understanding attitude was helpful.
Anyway.. Can I blame all of this on mid-life crisis? PLEASE? and how long will this mid-life crisis last? I need to get on with my life here and put all this behind me. Is that cool?
Recently I have been doing some stuff that is SOOO crazy that no one in their right mind....um wait a minute...let me re phrase that.
Lately I find myself in the middle of a situation that I have created yet I dont know how I start it or how to stop. Sometimes I dont even realize I am doing it, then all of sudden BAM!!! Oh my god, what did I just do?
If you saw Mommie Dearest dozens of times like I have, youll remember the various times when Joan Crawford was beating Cristina or cutting her hair off or chopping down the tree. She is in the mad mad rage and shes going and going and going then all of a sudden she stops, looks around and realizes what she has done, and starts to cry.
Yep thats me... This past weekend I made some bad choices and I kept doing it over and over again! Until this morning when it all came to a head and I realized WOW what have I done? I know some of you just rolled your eyes and thought oh no Kurt what are you doing? I wish some of you would have said something to me. There were 2 people that tried. One went about it the WRONG way and just made me angrier at that moment on Friday night. The other person on Saturday morning was very kind and told me in a simple calm way that isnt cool, he got to me and I removed the Facebook posts at least. He and I also got a chance to chat at Pecs a little and his calm understanding attitude was helpful.
Anyway.. Can I blame all of this on mid-life crisis? PLEASE? and how long will this mid-life crisis last? I need to get on with my life here and put all this behind me. Is that cool?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Its never too late to apologize
I knew it was wrong when I was writing it, I actually posted it and removed it 3 or 4 times, I went back and removed some stuff, added to it, etc etc.
I wont apologize for my thoughts or feelings, I stand by everything I said, BUT I should not have made them public, I definitely let my emotions get the better of me. As you may know Ive had some depression lately,the medication is finally kicking in and Im starting to balance out a bit.
Today I saw someone re-tweet something he said about me and it hurt, I then realized how much I must have hurt him with my thoughts and feelings put out there for everyone to see. Ive taken down the blogs I wrote about him, I have learned from this and I wont be making this mistake again. I also hope that our mutual friends will forgive me.
Cory, I know you read the blogs, I wish that I could take it away, and I wish that we had learned how to communicate with each other better. We moved too fast and we both made a lot of mistakes. I hope we can move forward although now i know we will probably never have a friendship. Ive made my bed, I have to suffer the consequences.
I AM sorry for posting the blogs about you.
I wont apologize for my thoughts or feelings, I stand by everything I said, BUT I should not have made them public, I definitely let my emotions get the better of me. As you may know Ive had some depression lately,the medication is finally kicking in and Im starting to balance out a bit.
Today I saw someone re-tweet something he said about me and it hurt, I then realized how much I must have hurt him with my thoughts and feelings put out there for everyone to see. Ive taken down the blogs I wrote about him, I have learned from this and I wont be making this mistake again. I also hope that our mutual friends will forgive me.
Cory, I know you read the blogs, I wish that I could take it away, and I wish that we had learned how to communicate with each other better. We moved too fast and we both made a lot of mistakes. I hope we can move forward although now i know we will probably never have a friendship. Ive made my bed, I have to suffer the consequences.
I AM sorry for posting the blogs about you.
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