My Mother, Lisa Cunningham

I haven’t blogged about my mother since she died except mentioning her in a few posts about family, Christmas, posts on Facebook, etc. I didn’t know when I would be ready to do this.  I began writing this blog on March 23^rd 2014.  I’m hoping to finish it by Mother’s Day.   

Mom began her adult life when she was still just a child herself.  If I remember right she got out of high school when she was 16 years old, married at 18, and had my brother by the time she was 19-20.  Im not real clear on those years (since I wasn't around) I know the age difference between my brother and I is 13 years.  I remember very vividly the night my mom explained to me that Bob was my half brother.  To me he had always just been my brother.  I was so upset, I was crying because he wasn't my "real" brother. I was inconsolable.  The fact he was graduating high school as I was entering kindergarten helps you understand how young I was when mom told me that news. There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't screaming "MOM BOB'S TICKLING ME,  MOM BOB THREW ME IN THE POOL, MOM BOB AND HIS FRIENDS THREW ME AGAINST THE WALL!  (the wall was completely covered in shag carpeting patches it was the 70's after all.  I laughed so hard when they were doing it) BUT STILL!! I cant remember how soon after graduation he moved to Hawaii but I remember him moving back in and out of the house a couple of times,

Mom and I were inseparable; I was the classic definition of a mama’s boy.  It sounds cliché I know but she truly was my best friend.  There were years in my childhood that I had very few friends if any at all.  Mom was always the one I would talk to about everything, the things I didn't talk to her about she already knew anyway.   My childhood was very fortunate; mom and dad owned a successful interstate trucking company with multiple locations that afforded us many luxuries.  We took great vacations, extravagant Christmases, parties, and toys like multiple boats, motorcycles, a jet ski, etc (mom even surprised Dad with a new Corvette for Christmas one year)  I was wearing designer clothes as early as middle school.  I think that had a lot to do with the bullying.

My favorite trips were during Easter vacation when mom and I would drive up to Northern California stopping at different historical places and touristy locations, then we would take the coast back home.  We would laugh and sing and sometimes stop in on business clients, I guess that meant we were able to write the trip off as a business expense.  On occasion our musical tastes would mesh.  Mom liked Adam Ant, Culture Club and of course The Go-Go’s.  But that meant I had to listen to Jimmy Reed, Engelbert Humperdinck, and Dionne Warwick.  The deal was one night we would stay at a Motel 6 type of place, but the next night we could stay in a “luxury” hotel.  Of course when we finally got to San Francisco it was luxury every night.  It was our favorite city and always the highlight of the trip. One year we found a motel in Pismo Beach that only had the “penthouse” available.  It was a conversion of a 2 bedroom apartment that was right on the beach and it was $60 per night!  That was less than half the amount of what we would spend on rooms in San Francisco.  Mom loved that place; we stayed a couple of nights each year.

If you ask my neighbors and friends from high school I had the “cool mom” Mrs. C. as most people called her.   She let me get away with EVERYTHING, again I thought I was pulling something over on her but she always knew what we were up to.  One night we took her car out and I forgot to take the pot pipe out of her car when we got home.  She came into my room the next morning where 3 of us were sleeping and woke us up holding the pipe asking what this was.  I said I don’t know someone else must have left it there.  She said well I smoked some and I found out what it was.  That was the last I heard of that and I never saw the pipe again.

Mom spoiled me rotten. I usually got everything I wanted and asked for.  Animals, artwork, tons of books, designer clothes, skin care, cologne, even having a swimming pool built in our somewhat small back yard when we lived 1/2 a  mile from the beach.    We were constantly at the mall shopping.  When I was 16 she let me go to Europe with my photography class.  So she got me a Gold American Express card in my name for “emergencies” well a Swiss watch, the Gucci store and Bulgari seemed like emergencies to me.   Years later I asked mom why she let me spend so much money, why did she give me everything I asked for?  She said you always had such a hard time at school and seemed so lonely  (due to the bullying) I just wanted you to be happy.

After dad died when I was 16 things would never be the same.  Her heart wasn't into running a trucking company; it was just something she fell into when dad bought his first couple of semi trucks.  She kept things going for a couple of years but a woman in a trucking business wasn't taken very seriously back then, that with employees robbing her blind and taking advantage of her, but the final straw was when the building burned to the ground, after that the business was closed.  We eventually lost our beautiful home in Huntington Beach.  Mom was lost and went through a very rough patch so she moved to our property in Nevada on Lake Mojave, Cottonwood Cove.   It wasn’t as glamorous as it sounds; It was a double wide mobile home that was almost 2 hours away from Las Vegas.  She had a boyfriend back then and he worked at some factory nearby.

Mynde and I moved to Irvine and even then when mom had little herself she made sure that we had new furniture for our apartment.  I didn’t get to see mom as much then, I was in my early twenties and discovering myself and I just didn’t make enough time for her.  I was just coming out and of course mom always asked a lot of questions like what have you been doing?  Are you seeing anyone?   Mynde and I had split long before so mom was very inquisitive.

When Mynde got married Mom came for the wedding and I finally had to tell her I was gay, I was terrified.  She said she always had a feeling I was.  The next thing she said was so surprising to me.  She said “I don’t care what you do just don’t ever put on a dress” Odd at the time but it truly didn’t matter to her as you will read here later in the story.

 Mom finally moved back to San Diego and we were all together again. Our relationship continued to grow and we became even better friends than ever.  Mom loved going to the drag shows at the Brass Rail, I also dragged her to other bars including Rich’s, #1 Fifth Avenue, Hamburger Mary’s (now Urban Mo’s) and of course she loved Baja Betty’s almost as much as I did.  The shrimp Cesar salad was her favorite. I remember once I took her to the Flame which was a mostly lesbian bar.  She was both flattered and afraid when the women would try to talk to her. When I had to use the restroom I had Tootie, a local popular drag personality stand with Mom until I got back

.

Mom was still sort of “lost” when she moved back to San Diego living in Vista.  She still didn’t know what to do with her life.  She had a VCR she needed fixed and noticed there was only one place to go so of course she thought she should open an electronics repair shop.  Her boyfriend Greg knew enough about electronics, but basically she just put an ad in the Pennysaver looking for part time help.  She was a clever woman that Lisa Cunningham.  Her personality and her ability to charm people made them completely trust her.  She made the business somewhat of a success.  It was still very lean times for her, but she got by and had somewhere to go and something to do every day. 

Mom was in her 60s when she went to school at night while working during the day to get her real estate license.  That opened up an entire new life for her; she was VERY successful in North County real estate.  Mom was back on top earning money like she hadn’t done in a decade. Once again her generosity to her family and even to strangers began. She and her partner/significant other Jim bought a condo on the golf course in Fallbrook and completely renovated it.  We made a surprise trip to Cleveland for a family reunion and we went in style; we even rented a Jaguar when we got to the airport.  I think because mom had so little when she was growing up; getting all the hand me downs from her big sister and even some of her brothers clothes she enjoyed being able to afford luxuries she could only dream about as a child.  I remember a story of a dress that her older sister Faye had made just for my mom; it was her favorite dress because it was only hers, and she wanted to wear it every day. 

Mom made her mark in North County real estate.  She helped numerous individuals and families avoid being homeless or losing all they had. One client, dying of liver cancer, had given up and was being evicted by the bank.  Mom sold his house in four hours and with the aid of the broker and agents at Sunshine Properties, moved his belongings into a storage unit so that he was able to pass with dignity. Many first-time homeowners would not have been able to purchase a home without mom’s knowledge and huge heart.

Mom eventually came around with the whole issue of me doing drag.  She said, well at least you look good. She would come to shows and watch me perform wave to the crowd like a proud mother when she was introduced.  I was so proud to show off my mom to friends and even strangers that she was supporting me.  When I was running for Empress Mom called and asked for my gown makers phone number, they had met several times before so I thought nothing of it.  What she did blew me away, she told him she wanted him to make something for her to wear to coronation, something slimming yet elegant.  Well needless to say I think she looked better than me that night.  The proudest moment was when I was being crowned I asked for her to come on stage to witness the crowning.  SHE got a standing ovation and I was doing everything I could to hold back the tears.  She even went to the long drawn out victory brunch the next morning where she was given the obvious title of Queen Mother to the Empress.  She didn’t quite understand that but I told her when we went to Las Vegas Coronation that’s how she will be introduced.  I think she got a kick out of that.  But I truly knew she accepted it when she saw me on the news one day in drag.  I had just finished riding a bicycle down the Pride parade route and it was a little warm that day as a local news station caught me to interview me.  When I got home there was a message on the answering machine from mom saying. “Well I saw you on the news today; couldn't you have done something with that hair?”  Yup, it was official she was comfortable with the whole thing.

When Mom first realized something was very wrong with her health I was right there at her bedside when the doctor came in to tell her she had some tumors on/in her lungs.  It took me a few moments to truly realize what he was saying, but still we didn't know the options available yet, so no one was giving up hope.  I wasn't working so I was able to drive her back and forth to Dr Appointments, grocery shopping, etc. 

 When we finally went to the oncologist the news wasn't good at all.  He told her with treatment she could live an additional 6 months.  She asked some questions then asked him to clarify that no treatment would cure her but just prolong what she was currently going through. Pain, no energy, shortness of breath etc.  When he reaffirmed that there was nothing to save her life she looked at me and asked “what should I do?” I told her to do what she wanted to do, no one could make the choice for her and no one would judge her for her decision.  She decided to forgo treatment and hospice was brought in right away,  She was “ok” for a awhile but of course her disease progressed and she became less lucid and not the very strong, intelligent, independent woman I have always known her to be.  There would be days that she would just sit in bed looking out the window crying.  I asked what was wrong and she just said she was so scared to get any sicker.  Seeing her in moments like that was extremely difficult, but I never cried in front of her.  If she saw me get upset, Mom would worry more about me than herself and I just didn't want to add to her already huge burden

I basically moved into the house bringing Mr Kitty along, she loved feeding him treats from her bed, it was one of the few things that brought her joy.  After I got settled in I tried different things to keep her mind sharp.   I tried playing her some of her favorite music from the past, but her attention span wasn't that great.  We would wake up early and I would crawl into bed with her and watch Matlock every morning.   She also really wanted to watch Whitney Houston’s funeral, but as many of you know it was very long and she just couldn't handle sitting there to watch the entire thing.  She was mostly confined to her bedroom upstairs although there were a few occasions we successfully got her downstairs to just sit for a change of scenery, where she could look out over the golf course.  One evening she did feel up to going out on a “date” with Jim.  They were going to the Greek place where she liked their Greek chicken and milkshakes.  She started getting ready over an hour before they left.  She put on her best tracksuit, and she tried putting on some makeup so I helped her with that.  Then she started curling her hair, she was frustrated it wasn't working.  When I went to help her I saw the iron wasn't plugged in.  She knew what she wanted to do; she just wasn't always able connect the dots to get it done. 

She would see something she wanted across the room so she decided to get out of bed and get it herself, that didn't always end well.  She was starting to fall frequently.  One time I could hear her fall at the bottom of the stairs when l when I was in the kitchen making her breakfast.  I would always get so scared when she‘d fall I would run to her yelling MOMMY.  I felt like a helpless child.  One early morning she somehow got downstairs and past me while sleeping  on the couch,  The little neighbor kid came frantically knocking on the door saying Miss Lisa was down on the corner.  I found her in her pajamas hugging onto the street sign completely confused as to where she was.  All of these incidents took a huge toll on all of us.

I thought that knowing more about her ancestry might be a nice gift to her in her final days, knowing a little more about where she came from.  With so many siblings and she being one of the youngest she didn’t have a very close relationship with most of her brothers.  What I did learn is that mom’s birth name was not Lisa, but Lula Belle, or Lulabelle or some other form of that.  Thinking back now I can remember some of her oldest friends and brothers calling her “Lou.”  I’m quite sure she was named for her grandmother, Lula Ball.  Years previously we learned that mom’s birthday, January 23^rd, 1938 was in fact NOT her birthday but instead it was February 4^th 1937.  We learned this via the Social Security office.  My personal thoughts are that she was born in January but there was a mistake made when recording her birth.  Most of her siblings were born at home and I’m assuming she was too.  The Dr most likely confused the dates when he went to the recorder’s office.  It was a different time back then and things were done much differently than they are now.  Although in my research I have still not been able to find any records of her from her childhood however, I did learn that mom and dad were actually married 1 ½ years after I was born!   GASP!!   LOL again it was a different time back then.  Mom was 31 years old when she was pregnant with me and at that time people considered that “too old” to have a child.

I was only able to get so far on the family tree, because mom’s ancestors  were Cherokee and those records just didn't matter back then I guess.  So my trail sort of ended.  Mom didn't seem very interested by this time.  She was getting much more despondent and too sick to pay attention to most anything.

I wish I had some great story about words of wisdom or magical moments that happened between us while she was sick. But the truth is, she was just very sick and rapidly declining.  I did everything I could to make her comfortable.  She liked most of the food I cooked her, she liked the new pajamas I would pick out for her, and the occasional treat I would remember her always enjoying like Nutter Butter’s or Teddy Grahams.

I realize the greatest gift that Mom and I received was being able to spend so much time together before she died. When my Father died I hadn't seen him in a couple of days and he died in an accident late at night.  Mom left me a note saying he had an accident but I should go to school.  They pulled me out of school early to send me home.  I never got to see him, and from what I heard he was in pretty bad shape in the hospital, so its probably for the best I didn't go see him.  Sadly I couldn't bring myself to go to the viewing.

 I would take care of mom Monday through Saturday afternoon, and then one of the ladies from church would come by to sit with her for a few hours until Jim got home.  My brother Bob would cover Sundays.  One particular week I told my brother I wasn't going to leave for the weekend because I didn’t think she was going to make it through the weekend.  By this time we had a hospice nurse at the house 24/7.  I was downstairs and the nurse peeked over the railing to tell me I might want to come upstairs. A million thoughts filled my mind as I went up that flight of stairs.  When I got to her bed she was wheezing and having extremely hard time breathing.  She seemed to be staring right into my eyes as I took her hand in mine.  Her good friend (and mine) Di-Anne was in the room holding her other hand.  I just kept saying over and over, “it’s OK mom you don’t have to hold on anymore, you don’t have to hold on”  I told her everything is OK here, I’m fine, Bob is fine, you can go now.  Then she took her final breath at 9:34 on August 26^th.

I didn’t know what to do, or how to react, was I going to lose it completely?  I kept trying to reach my brother via phone, but they were all asleep by then.  I went into her room to look at her a few more times, and then I realized what I needed to do.  Although Mom was being cremated, I knew she would never and had never left the house without her hair and makeup done.  So that’s what I did.   Di-Anne worked as a mortician so she knew the best way to get mom dressed, I picked out something comfortable for her, a blue colored blouse that she loved.  I had done her makeup so many times before it didn’t really seem that strange to me, however just like in the movies, I did have to shut her eyes, unfortunately her mouth was open a bit and it stayed that way.  She looked so peaceful and so beautiful; we hadn’t seen her look that great in months.  I was so glad we made her up; because that is the last vision I have of her in my mind. I took an old photo of my brother, me and mom, and I and put it in her blouse pocket, 

It was about 12:30 AM before the morticians came to pick her up, I stayed downstairs but I could  hear Di-Anne making sure they were respecting her and how she was handled.  She was giving them the bizness!  Mom was her best friend and she knew what she was doing so she made sure they handled mom and the situation with dignity.  I accidentally caught a glimpse of the gurney with mom zipped up in a blue plastic bag being brought down the stairs. I've tried to erase that out of my mind.  That night I slept in her bed, on the side she always slept.  It was comforting. 

This may sound weird to some, but perfectly normal to me.  She often comes to me in my dreams, again nothing profound or amazing she’s just there. After my dad died he never came to me in a dream until after mom died.  She was the glue that held our family together so I'm sure she made sure Dad came to check on me.  Her final wishes were to have her ashes and my dad’s ashes combined and scattered in the ocean in Huntington Beach where some of the best times of our lives were spent.

There is never a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, the times when I pick up the phone to tell her some good or bad news are fewer now.  I completely fell apart when she died; I’m finally starting to get myself back together now.  That’s what she would want.  She was a HUGE worrier and I just want her to be at peace.

Mom and Dad "pre" Kurt

A few weeks before I was born

         

on one of our many trips

We loved our photo booth pics

Family Portrait 1975

Mom rarely smiled for photos, so I love this one

Mine and Dad's
 my favorite photo of mom

Queen Mother to the Empress
 witnesses the crowning

At the Brass Rail for Dreamgirls

                     

The last photo taken of us together.  December 24th 2011
At the time we didn't know she was ill, but now looking at this photo its very apparent to me.

They call him Mr Tiggs

Tiggs is about a year old in this picture.
He used to love wearing his tie on special occasions

I was "dating" a guy for awhile that was concerned because I spent so much time alone, one day he asked me if I liked cats, the next day he brought me a surprise!   It took awhile to choose a name for him, so I chose the name Tiggs, because he has so many stripes like a tiger.  But I usually only call him Tiggs when he is in trouble.  I always call him Mr Kitty, or Boo Boo Kitty, Itty Bitty, but mostly Mr Kitty.

I have had cats in the past when I was young, but I've also had almost every kind of animal you could think of.  I don't consider myself a cat or a dog person, i think of myself as an animal person. But for the living arrangements I have had over the last several years a cat is the best choice for now.

I know it must seem odd or even a bit "scary" for me to be writing a blog about my cat, but he gives me so much joy everyday.  He knows when Im feeling down so he cuddles up right next to me.  He also annoys the hell out of me when Im watching TV or playing on the computer he gets right in front of me, walking across the laptop keyboard.  He will be 6 years old on January 13th.  The day after my birthday.  I assigned him that day when the vet guesstimated how old he was.  He still loves to play with his kitty toys and of course the laser light. He has always been an indoor cat but when we would stay at Mom's house he was allowed outside on the golf course early in the AM with supervision.  Since we moved here to a house he has gotten out a few times, just cruising around in the back yard.  One late night he knocked down the screen door and another cat got in and they were fighting.  Tiggs kicked his ass!.

One of our trips to "grandmas"house

Mom  always felt so comforted by Tiggs (she always called him Tiggs)  She loved it when he would sleep at the foot of her bed during the day.  And of course she spoiled him by giving him so many treats.

When Mom died he jumped up on the bed and just looked at her for a couple of minutes.

My grandmother made this
 blanket, and its his favorite

I honestly cant imagine what my life would be like without him.  The truth is I am a very lonely person, but seeing him standing by the door when I come home, or just following me around the house makes me realize I am also very important to him.  My friend picked him out for me out of a litter of 6 I think, he said I just thought he had a good personality to match yours.  He was exactly right.  He's pretty mellow most of the time but he likes to run around and have fun every morning.

He "made" an opening in the blinds at our old place so he could sit in the window

He likes to lay in bed and contemplate life like his daddy.

Out of all the dozens of animals I have had 

over the years, I feel most connected to Tiggs.

I just wish he could learn to clean his own litter box.

We obviously have the sane taste in men.

Glow in the dark Kitty

My beautiful baby boy

The Tipping Point

tip·ping point

noun

1. the point at which a series of small changes or incidents becomes significant enough to cause a larger, more important change.
2. 
   

In the past month or two my Doctors, Nurses, friends, etc. have definitely noticed a change in my mood and over all outlook towards life, they all have the same question.  "when do you think this change occurred?"

Well we would have to go back to January of 2013 when I reached one of the lowest points in my depression.  After my suicide attempt in November of 2012 I realized I could no longer afford my rent, bills, etc.  Friends decided it would be a good idea for me not to live alone, and a friend happened to have a room for rent with all utilities, etc included. So I moved into his place in January.  That's when the low point began. I stayed in bed for days at a time, some days I wouldn't even eat, I rarely left the house, I hadn't lived with roommates for almost 15 years...now I had 2-3 roommates. It's extremely difficult for a person like me to adjust to other peoples "stuff" and over a year later Im still trying to adjust,  It was a HUGE time of change for me, I was still grieving the loss of my mother just a few months prior.  I completely stopped taking care of myself.  Meaning I was only taking my anti depression and sleep meds.  I quit taking my HIV meds, because frankly I just didn't care if I lived or died.


Over a period of a full year I was slowly deteriorating, it began with my energy level declining, I was walking at a snails pace, I would occasionally be short of breath.  Then it escalated, all the things mentioned before increased and then I started having dizzy spells and occasionally stumbling when I was walking. I would take a shower and I would immediately have to lay down because I had no energy. The stumbling while walking turned into major falls, the last one was when I couldn't get myself out of the bath tub and fell numerous times.  I went to see the Dr the next day and was sent to the Emergency room where I was admitted to the hospital on January 10th 2014

They tested me for what seems like everything.  I had biopsies of my lungs, x rays, blood drawn daily sometimes multiple times for further testing.  They kept me for 11 days, I believe just because they couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I did unfortunately have another little fall in front of a nurse so that may have extended my stay.

I truly believe the only reason I was that sick was because my T-Cells were 32 and my viral load was over 4 million.  I would imagine that would affect every way your body works and supports itself.  In other words I was slowly allowing myself to die.  I also had some pre cancerous lesions that required surgery and the recovery from that has taken a while.  Im sure that added to my overall health issues,  but Im almost healed up from that surgery, just in time for a new surgery in June or July.

So here is the good news.  I have been on all the proper medications since January, and although my t-cells haven't gone over 250 yet my viral load has gone from 4 million+ to just over 2200.  I am back to seeing a therapist weekly.
When your body is working properly your mind is also in sync.   I'm not nearly as crabby as I was before, I let (most) things slide right off my back,  I'm back to volunteering at The Center interacting with people and I have found a new passion in the Mental Health/Mental Wellness field trying to educate and advocate.  I've been very busy helping with a friend that is extremely ill and has been in the hospital for a couple of months, although that doesn't make me happy it does make me realize how fortunate I am to have my health and to be given yet one more chance at life.  I must be like a cat. I figure I'm down to 6 lives now.  

Will this change be a permanent change?  Let's hope so.  Depression and anxiety are always going to be there but they are manageable.  Right now I seem to be managing perfectly well.

What My LGBT Center means to me...

The San Diego LGBT Community Center has has been a part of my life since I moved to San Diego in 1992. The first time I remember going to the Center was on 4th Avenue behind the Brass Rail.  It wasn't the nicest location, it was by no means the lovely buildings that subsequently came along later. But it was ours and we weren't hiding, it was there for everyone to see.

Over the years I have both been frustrated with the Center and also applauded them for the wonderful way they would put out the call for us to gather to empower us, help us mourn, celebrate our victories and comfort us in our times of struggle..  The frustration came in the early days when the Center was in a beautiful brand new building that the LGBT community was so proud of on Normal Street.  To me it had the feel of an "elitist" social club.  You had to be buzzed in by the front desk and given the third degree as to why you were there.  It just didn't seem like a welcoming place for everyone. Back then the "drop in" center was part employee kitchen, part area to disperse information for the community and a pay phone.  It was a very sterile and cold environment.   There were nice meeting rooms which we most definitely utilized. The "auditorium" was a decent sized room however any larger rallies, etc had to be held in the parking lot to accommodate everyone. Most of the time who ever was speaking would have to stand on the stairs above the crowd for everyone to hear.  I remember the candlelight vigil for Matthew Shepard.  I remember just holding on to my friend Tomas and both of us crying our eyes out.

We held our March on Washington meetings at the Center on Normal Street, Usually upstairs if I recall.  I was a National Delegate so I would meet with the San Diego group to take their ideas and concerns back to the national board.  Jim Cua was the President of the San Diego group, and I remember him fondly.  Thanks to Jim a lot of good ideas came from those meetings.

A chapter of GLAAD was formed in San Diego by the handsome and sexy David Hill (can you tell I had a thing for him) I was a founding member of the organization. and the group elected me fundraising chair as well.   We held most of our meetings at the Center in one of the smaller rooms downstairs.  That is until GLAAD/LA asked us to close our chapter and absorb into theirs. Still today I think that was a mistake, but it was out of our hands.

 We have certainly come a long way since those days. We allow everyone to walk through our doors and offer a  friendly hello.  Our auditorium today is beautiful!  We have a wall honoring LGBT Veterans, a wall of Honor for all the LGBT "pioneers" in our community, and more wall space to fill to honor more beloved members of our community.

When the Center moved to its current location everyone was so excited, it was a great big beautiful building only one block away from its former location.  After getting somewhat settled in, the real work had to begin,  there were many structural changes needed to the building to accommodate the needs of the community.  When we found out how much money was needed for repairs. The community began to push back a little.  I guess we didn't have the vision of how wonderful the finished product would be. There were rumors the Center might have to close and, and all kinds of other nasty things started being said.  But instead of being angry, the community rolled up its sleeves and help build The Center "brick by brick" through sponsorship and corporate donations, some city funds earmarked for community centers.. Heck if there was a spot on a wall for a tile or a staircase, or hallway to be named after someone it was done.

The Imperial Court raised tens of thousands of dollars for The Center back in those days.  I remember at the beginning of my reign as Empress, the Board President, Nicole "asked us" to pledge to raise $25,000 during our reign.  My Emperor wasn't always the most pleasant of people so he bitched and moaned about how much money the organization had already given them so Nicole raised that figure to $50,000.  Between the three monarchs and the Board of Directors that year we reached that goal. Even before reaching that goal  we were honored at the Center Gala with a very nice award.  Nicole snatched it out of my Emperors hand and gave it to me.   I still have that award and it means a great deal to me, it represents pride in my community, pride in my center, and pride in myself for obtaining the goal with the help of the entire membership of the Imperial Court.

I was so excited when I became part of the planning committee for the next Center Gala, I attended a few meetings but unfortunately a new job conflicted with meeting times and I had to bow out.   That really bummed me out.  But then a great honor was presented to me.  I  (Summer Meadows) was asked to be on stage at the Gala with Center Board member, and a dear friend, John Laird to do the live auction.  My Center called ME and asked for my help.  WOW that meant a lot to me.  I never had felt like a bigger part of the community as I did then.

Today the Center has grown into a community center for ALL.  There are programs for seniors, women, LGBT families, Transgender groups, AIDS WALK San Diego, there is a free food distribution each month for the entire community, not just the LGBT community, Latin@ Services, sports groups, HIV Services including free testing 5 days a week Organizations of all kinds utilize the many meeting spaces.  There is a very successful psychological counseling program, we have a wonderful lending library with hundreds of LGBT themed books, a computer lab where people can use computers for free 5 days a week. we have  Sunburst Youth Housing, a housing project for teens that have been living on the streets and/or kicked out of their home because of their sexual orientation.   Not only do i participate in the Center's counseling program, I also attend rallies to motivate us to fight for our basic human rights, Town Hall type meetings, celebrations and even memorials.

So, What Does My LGBT Center Mean to me?
The Center continues to be a place where people come to feel like they are in a safe haven.  I know when I walk through those doors I feel empowered and protected and a part of a group of people that truly care about the community. Ive been volunteering at the front desk of the center off and on for 2-3 years now, Ive worked with Family Matters, and the monthly food distribution.  Currently I am working on other projects that will benefit the center and the community, because The Center is always growing and changing to accommodate our communities needs.  I am proud to be a part of it, no matter what capacity.

I FINALLY FOUND IT !!!!!

A few weeks ago I was talking to my therapist about how excited I was to begin volunteering in the Mental Health field.  She stopped me and reminded me how in the past few years I was always mentioning my lack of passion for anything in my life.  She also recognized how eager I am and the excitement I was showing for this new endeavor.  Yes, she sad I found my passion again.   It reminded me of a blog post I wrote just over 4 years ago, there is an excerpt below.

I used to be passionate about stuff. Now I dont even care.

I used to be passionate about causes, I used to have a passion for my work, Ive been passionate about people at times. Now I dont care much about anything, Ill go days without getting off the couch, showering, or at times even brushing my teeth.

Sometimes I take the worlds problems on as my own, I start to get in this thought process that I hate the direction the country or the world is going and it really starts to get me down. It can be triggered by something as small as people not using a turn signal to something as big as a national election. So rather than get myself going on a downward spiral of hating stuff, i chose to just not think about it. But that brings me to the place I am now.. Not feeling anything at all. Or maybe its all these pills the Dr has me on right now. Whatever it is its not working.. This entire week Ive been down in the dumps, not wanting to leave my couch and do anything..

Im going to give myself a big pat on the back because even though I have encountered MUCH larger obstacles like the death of my mother, and my major health concerns since writing this blog I have have made it through all of it.  Looking back at some of my old blog posts is very difficult, those were some very dark days.

I now have things to look forward to, my self esteem and confidence still isnt as great as I would like it to be.
But its obvious Im getting there.

Vanity, thy name is Kurt

I didnt always have the "perfect" smile, for whatever reason i never had braces even though I did have spaces between my teeth, they were uneven in size but still not awful. When I was 16 I became a summertime nanny to three children who's father was a dentist. He asked if I would be his guinea pig for a process he had never done before called "bonding". "Dental bonding is a procedure in which a tooth-colored resin material (a durable plastic material) is applied and hardened with a special light, which ultimately "bonds" the material to the tooth to restore or improve person's smile." (from WebMD) Its a temporary fix that lasts about 10 years.

Unfortunately over the years the seal on the veneers splits apart and plaque, bacteria, moisture, food, etc gets behind the veneer and rots the small amount of existing tooth the veneer is attached to, so at some point the tooth will break off, This has happened to me twice now, both times right in the front of my mouth.

I looked up the definition of vain and vanity and neither one are particularly attractive definitions

vain [veyn] adjective

1. excessively proud of or concerned about one's own appearance, qualities, achievements, etc.; conceited: a vain dandy.

2. proceeding from or showing pride in or concern about one's appearance, qualities, etc.; resulting from or displaying vanity: He made some vain remarks about his accomplishments.

Of course I realize there are HUGE problems in our world and in the big scheme of things my tooth falls way below the level of importance to most people. But for me its part of who I am, it greatly effects my self esteem and my self confidence. My smile is a HUGE part of my personality. I don't smile like i used to, if I laugh I look like Misss Celie and cover my mouth up with my hand, and I never smile for photos, I even try to avoid photos if I can. If you look at my Facebook photos, the albums of me with friends in particular you know what a ham I am and how BIG i like to flash a smile. IM at a loss of what to do next, my insurance has already paid for everything up to now. The rest is up to me. They need to do a "build up" because there is nothing to attach a crown to, then there's the crown. Total cost $679.00

Over the past years I have had friends hold benefits to pay their medical bills, or at least help them pay them pay a portion of their bills. I always kind of thought that was odd.. I have a bill from a 2009 hospital stay for about $13,000 before I had any insurance. I never expected anyone else to be responsible for it but me. But now I understand why people ask for a helping hand.

When my tooth first fell out it was during one of my depressed episodes and I wanted to just give up, I definitely wasn't going to go out and be seen in public with a missing tooth. Well of course I have gone out into the world and even enjoyed myself. I have so many medical issues I am dealing with right now and I look at my tooth as one of those issues. I cant imagine what you as a reader are thinking when you read this. I'm sure parts of this I come across as an extremely vain person, but Im being honest when I say this issue truly gets me down on a regular basis.

So when I saw that some woman did a Go Fund Me Campaign for a boob job i thought, what the hell have I got to lose? Ive waited a while to post this because I had to make sure I was ready for the criticism and snide remarks some people might make. So here it is my plea for financial help.

If you would rather pay directly to my dentist Im sure that can be arranged just message me for contact info.

Help Put A Smile Back On My Face

UPDATE.  Im currently looking into a dentist in Tijuana so the cost could come down considerably.  Ill change the amount when I get an estimate

You're My Best Friend

How do you "chose" a best friend?  Or do they chose you?  Maybe you chose each other?  Can you have more than one best friend at a time?   Is it automatically the person you've known longest?   Ive never figured out a formula for this.

When I was in K-3rd grade my best friend was Tommy Fitzgerald, Tommy always liked to remind me of that fact.. "we're best buddies right?"  We were mostly at school friends but we did things outside of school too, like I would watch him play baseball, we went to Judo class together and summer school. He was always bugging me to go to church with him.

4th and 5th grade I didn't really have too many friends at all, let alone a BEST friend, that was the beginning of the years I was bullied.  I remember trying to have friends but I never really connected with anyone.  I spent a lot of time cleaning the chalkboard erasers for the teachers during recces.  At lunch time I enjoyed chatting with one of the playground supervisor mom's named Doris.  Even at that age I knew her foundation was too light and her lipstick was too dark.

Middle School wasn't too different than before except maybe a wider pool of people to be bullied by.  I had plenty of classmates that I was friendly with but that usually ended once we walked out of the classroom. My neighbors were all mostly older than me so they couldn't be seen with a 6th grader.  I wanted to be cool, I wanted to fit in with the popular kids. Instead I tried hanging out with the "not so nice" crowd.  In their minds I was just a rich kid so they just wanted me to steal jewelry from my mom for them.  Cari Joseph taught me how to smoke clove cigarettes behind the gym and how to ditch classes.  Lunch was tough, until I started hanging out with Priscilla Ponce and Paula Gregg, and Dana Cline.   See the pattern?  All girls except for Tommy when I was real young.  But still in middle school no best friend.

High school was a little different, there were certainly more students to choose from for a best friends, but that also meant more bullying.  I certainly had all my girls at lunch time to hang out with in the quad at Huntington Beach High School.  Mynde, Tammy, Cindy, Grace, Debbie and Im sure others Im forgetting, but that was my core group of girls.  Id have to say they were all my best friends.  We would tease each other, laugh, talk and talk (some of us did more talking than others  ahhhhhem Debbie)  We would hang out constantly outside of school, listening to music, cruising and racing in mom or dad's car.  I also found great solace in photography class, sometimes even ditching PE and stay in the darkroom or our on campus taking photos.  Mr Morehouse my photo teacher turned the other cheek often when he would see me in his class up to 3 hours a day.

Then comes adult life, friendships become more complicated and at times a little less lengthy in their existence. When I first moved to San Diego I found a group of people that seemed very interesting and very much like I felt.  Glamorous on the outside but a bit of a misfit on the inside.  I have made some friends through the The Imperial Court that have lasted over 2 decades.  Including yes, the one and only Nicole.  Ive never considered Nicole a best friend but always a mentor, a family member, he is like a father to me.  Along the past 22 years Ive made so many friends that I love..  Scott and Jim, Dave Z. Fina, Cheri, Eric, Sasha, Courtney, Michael Mack, Gabor.  I hesitated to even list people because of course Ill leave people out and Im constantly meeting new people and building friendships.  Even at 45 years old it still feels like the school playground at times.

Best friends can come and go, for various reasons, people move, they start dating someone, priorities change, people change, people even die etc., etc. but the ones that come in and out of your life seem to be my favorite, because its a natural flow of life.   Im lucky enough to have some of the same friends I did from Ethel Dwyer Middle School,  Im super fortunate to have some of the people I considered bullies back then to be friends now.

So when I say You're My Best Friend and you are wondering if Im talking about you, I probably am.

Queen