Citizen Kurt

Mandy Schultz 10 years later

2011-10-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

I was going to wait until later this week to post this short blog, but I'm feeling a little sentimental today. Mandy Schultz and I were very close. We worked together on many projects, had the same employer a couple of times, we were always scheming on something. Even if that scheme was just how to get our drinks for free that night.

On October 29, 2001 Mandy's body was discovered in her car down the edge of a cliff in Ramona near her parents house, she had been missing for 6 weeks (if I remember right) Mandy left us 10 years ago but her spirit will always live on in San Diego.
Mandy worked her way up the ranks to become the executive director of San Diego Pride, she was co-owner of a hamburger place called Out Burger (Mandy was a vegetarian) and Mandy also worked at AIDS Walk San Diego.

Mandy was my biggest fan, and I was hers.. She used to tell me I looked like John Travolta (when I was MUCH younger) She would make me recite lines from Saturday Night Fever and Grease. When I started doing drag she INSISTED I dress up like Dana Scully from The X-Files, Mandy was a HUGE fan of Gillian Anderson.. Somewhere I have a photo of us dressed up like the characters from X-Files that was in Buzz Magazine.

Believe it or not I wasnt a cat person back then and Mandy had this annoying long haired cat that would climb all over me, while Mandy was sitting next to me chain smoking and eating ice.. I thought I was gonna have some sort of respiratory failure. What I wouldn't give for one more night like that with Mandy.

Years ago when Mandy died I never understood how someone so talented, so outgoing, so loved could get to the place she did emotionally. In the past couple of years I think I have come to understand EXACTLY what Mandy was going through 10 years ago. Just one more way we were connected I guess.

It saddens me to know that so many of out LGBT youth will never know Mandy or who how many great things she did for us. So this was my little tribute.

This week Ill have to make sure to go to Mo's and have Mandy's signature cocktail... The Mandori up.. neither one of us really knew what was in it.. we didnt care as long as it was free we let all the bartenders think they invented it for us.

We have not forgotten you Mandy, I see this picture of you everyday.

Well, that's cool, baby. You know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and what not.

FIVE GUARANTEES

2011-09-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the year my therapist gave me a questionnaire.. One of the questions was. "what would you like people to know about you?" My reply was "I would like for people to know I'm a lot closer to normal then they think"

I dont even know what the hell that means now.I compare myself to what everyone else has and what everyone else is doing and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me?

Today was not my favorite day at therapy.

1) You cannot control what other people chose to think.

2) You cannot control what other people chose to feel

3) You cannot control what other people chose to do

4) If you attempt to do any of the first three or any combination of the first
three you will feel inadequate, frustrated, angry and depressed

5) What you do have control over is

a) what you think
b) what you feel
c) what you do
d) how you chose to respond to what others directly express and do

The warmth in Hillcrest that is no more

2011-08-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

If you live in San Diego chances are you have seen one of the great historical signs "welcoming" you to certain neighborhoods; University Heights, Normal Heights, Kensington, The Boulevard (El Cajon Blvd) and of course Hillcrest.

Recently the Hillcrest sign was replaced except the nice warm pink neon was replaced with white LED lights. My first thought was, wow it's so cold looking, too bright, not welcoming like the pink neon. I wondered who decided on that? I'm a pretty connected person in this community, and I cant recall seeing any public notice for input on the sign or the announcement changes were going to happen, people asking us to join a committee or anything like that. So here's what the sign looks like now.

Our City Councilman Todd Gloria posted a photo on Facebook of the Normal Heights sign getting a touch up for the Adams Avenue Street Fair this weekend, well that (maybe I) started a conversation about the Hillcrest sign and peoples dislike for the way it now looks and how the refurbishment was handled.

First of all here is a link to some history of the Hillcrest sign HERE

Dan Soderberg, of the Save Our Heritage Organisation stated "The fact the Hillcrest sign didn't go before HRB was a big mistake. I understand about the installation date of 1985. But the fact that it was a historic reproduction of the original. Therefore that creates a historic continuum that should have been respected. I have a huge problem when decisions are made without following due process of public input and review by all concerned parties when it involves a potentially historic resource. I'm not sure where the ball was dropped. Maybe City staff of the HRB signed off on this project, I don't know. But if they did, that's wrong. The Board and Design assistance should have weighed in. Secretary of the Interior Standards should have been adhered to."

Members of the Save Our Heritage Organisation
will be attending The Historic Resources Board meeting this Thursday August 25th at 1pm, City Hall, 12th floor in the City Council committee room. To ask questions whether or not the sign refurbishment went through proper procedures.

So I already know 90% of the comments I am going to get on this post are going to argue that LED lights are more energy efficient, "green", etc etc. I realize that, Ive done plenty of research on the subject in the last 2 days. I see arguments for both, and since LED lighting is still relatively new compared to neon, I think the jury is still out on its long term effectiveness. Something I read on a sign company website summed up my feelings about neon vs LED "Lastly, its all about preference. In our opinion, neon is more vibrant, warm, inviting and attractive. Its more like art than just a sign. LED signs tend to be more industrial and straight forward. This may sound corny but Neon seems to be more "romantic" and "elegant" and LED's are more "medical" and "cold" if that makes any sense."

San Diego Historic Neon is a great Facebook page to see some of the wonderful neon in San Diego both past and present.

and as always this is just my humble opinion.

Like a father to me

2011-06-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

I have honored my father here and on Facebook each year on his Birthday and the anniversary of his death. My father died when I was 16 years old so I didn't get to have that adult relationship with him, getting advice, sharing laughs, and confiding in each other.

I found this person in the very unlikely Nicole Ramirez Murray, that's how he was known when we met 19 years ago. Nicole is someone you either love or have a very strong dislike for, I find that most people that say they don't like Nicole have never met Nicole. Im not here to nor have I ever been one to fight his battles, Nicole has always been a good friend to me, and that is something nobody can take away with a catty comment or argue with me about.

We have traveled all over the country together, staying in everything from nice hotels to college dorms for organizations we both were working on. We have laughed, argued, cried, learned from each other, and "not talked to each other" because we were mad. All the normal things friends, or a father and son would do.

The first time I told Nicole that he was really like a father to me was a few years ago, we were at brunch, I gave him a card and he got teary eyed, and said "ok good you can treat your father to brunch" Just the way I like it, a little emotional but with lots of humor.

The best times are when we are just out shopping or eating and he finds something silly to take a picture of.. we laugh a lot.. We both know JUST what to say to make the other one crack up

Happy Fathers Day Nicole...

Just a random thought I had today

2011-04-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

I think hoping that everyone gets out of life what they put into life is a great wish. If you don't agree, maybe you oughta change up things in your life a little bit.

I know I ain't perfect, but I also have paid in and continue to pay into the Karma bank, so on occasion if I get off my rocker i know karma is gonna take care of me.

Some nice thoughts.

2011-03-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

We never get what we want,
We never want what we get,
We never have what we like,
We never like what we have.
And still we live & love.
That's life...

The best kind of friends,
Is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
Never say a word,
And then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know
What we've got until it's gone,
But it's also true that we don't know
What we've been missing until it arrives..

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance
that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return;
Just wait for it to grow in their heart,
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,
An hour to like someone,
And a day to love someone,
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
Because it takes only a smile to
Make a dark day seems bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile!

May you have
Enough happiness to make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
And enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
It probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people
Don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for
Those who cry,
Those who hurt,
Those who have searched,
And those who have tried,
For only they can appreciate the importance of people
Who have touched their lives.

When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
You're the one who is smiling
And everyone around you is crying.

Dame Elizabeth

2011-03-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

I cant remember when I first heard of Elizabeth Taylor, but I know I was VERY young, and completely infatuated right away. I think it was because when my mother was young, people used to compare her looks to Elizabeth Taylor and I thought it was so cool that my Mom was as beautiful as a famous movie star! (thats Mom on the left just below here)

I read every book I could get my hands on about Elizabeth, I saw every movie available on VHS tape. When she was on General Hospital Mom let me stay home from school (I actually stayed at Grandmas that day) to watch it. Mom surprised me for my birthday with tickets to see Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in the play Private Lives

Elizabeth Taylor has always been a friend to the gay community, and life long friends with many gay men in Hollywood Roddy McDowalll, Montgomery Clift, Rock Hudson, just to name a few. At her acceptance speech at the 11th Annual GLAAD Media Awards in 2000, Elizabeth Taylor said, ”There is no gay agenda, it’s a human agenda,” and added, ”Why shouldn’t gay people be able to live as open and freely as everybody else? What it comes down to, ultimately, is love. How can anything bad come out of love? The bad stuff comes out of mistrust, misunderstanding and, God knows, from hate and from ignorance.”

Elizabeth has had her ups and downs both in her personal life and her career. Although she was knighted a Dame by The Queen of England (Elizabeth's birth country) she really was a regular ol gal with a big heart. Watching her triumphs and failures throughout her life was a reminder this beautiful woman, wasn't too different than the rest of us.

Elizabeth believed her best moments weren't in front of the camera or on stage, but it was her work in the very beginning stages of the AIDS epidemic. Elizabeth organized the first fund raising dinner in Hollywood, at a time when the President of the US wouldn't even say the word AIDS, Elizabeth Taylor was out there asking people for money. Where would we be today if it weren't for Elizabeth Taylor?

This is a great site that details all of the work Elizabeth did both in her professional life and personal life, this link will take you to the page detailing all of her work with AIDS organizations Dame Elizabeth Taylor

Your top 10

2011-02-17T12:39:00.000-08:00

Remember back in the MySpace days you could pick your top 8 friends, and if someone didn't put you in their top 8 you'd be pissed?

About a month ago my therapist and I were discussing Facebook and she was shocked at the number of friends I had (at that time less then 1,000) She couldnt believe that I interacted with that many people on a regular basis so Just for fun we did a little "exercise". She had me list the first 10 Facebook friends (no particular order) that came to mind, then we went down the list and I had to tell her what they meant to me. Not who they are, but why they were important to me. It was surprising to me the people that I listed. I honestly dont remember the names of everyone but I could tell you 5 of them.. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER.

1. My Mom
2. Cheri
3. Carl Mason
4 Sheridan Parsons
5 My Niece

2 of these people I have never even met, but they make me laugh and smile everyday.

You should try this.. Without looking at Facebook, list 10 people off the top of your head, then think of why they are important to you. Then tell them!!

All about Capricorns

2010-12-22T17:06:00.001-08:00

I found this on the internet, and since my birthday is coming up (January 12th) I thought it was a good time for some self reflection.

The sign Capricorn is one of the most stable and (mostly) serious of the zodiacal types. These independent, rocklike characters have many sterling qualities. They are normally confident, strong willed and calm. These hardworking, unemotional, shrewd, practical, responsible, persevering, and cautious to the extreme persons, are capable of persisting for as long as is necessary to accomplish a goal they have set for themselves. Capricorn are reliable workers in almost any profession they undertake. They are the major finishers of most projects started by the 'pioneering' signs; with firm stick-to-it-ness they quickly become the backbone of any company they work for.

Capricorn make of themselves, resourceful, determined managers; setting high standards for themselves and others. They strive always for honesty in their criticism of self, they respect discipline from above and demand it from those beneath them. In their methodical, tough, stubborn, unyielding way, they persist against personal hardship, putting their families and/or their work before their own needs and welfare to reach their objectives long after others have given up and fallen by the wayside. In fact when practical ability allied with the drive of ambition are required in employees to make a project succeed, Capricorn are the people to hire. They plan carefully to fulfill their ambitions (which often include becoming wealthy), they are economical without meanness, and able to achieve great results with minimum effort and expense. Because of their organizing ability they are able to work on several projects simultaneously.

They have a great respect for authority but may not, if they reach high rank, be willing to listen to other opinions on things they are directly responsible for. As the ranking authority figure in a given situation they expect their underlings to be as self disciplined as they themselves are, and to perform every task undertaken to the highest standard.
They are, nevertheless, fair as well as demanding. Among their equals they are not always the most pleasant of work fellows for they are reserved and too conservative, valuing tradition more than innovation, however valuable the latter, and they are often humorless. There is also a tendency to pessimism, melancholy and even unhappiness which many Capricorn are unable to keep to themselves, especially if they fail personally. In the extreme this trait can make them a very depressed individual; ecstatic happiness alternating with the most wretched kind of misery which is so subconsciously buried that he or she should seek help if such emotions become frequent. For the above reason, capable Capricorn should spend many hours in meditation, gathering the strength to control such inner emotions.

The swings in mood are not the only reason some Capricorns deserve the adjective based on their name - capricious. They can be surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, reserved individuals they seem to be, and they also have a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of flippancy. In certain individuals in whom the characteristic is strong, the temptation to do this has to be resisted with iron self-control. Another unexpected quality in some Capricorn is an interest in the occult which persists in spite of their naturally skeptical turn of mind.

Their intellects are sometimes very subtle. They think profoundly and deeply, throughly exploring all possibilities before deciding on a 'safe' alternative. They have good memories and an insatiable yet methodical desire for knowledge. They are rational, logical and clearheaded, have good concentration, delight in debate in which they can show off their cleverness by luring their adversaries into traps and confounding them with logic.

In their personal relationships they are often ill-at-ease, if not downright unhappy. They are somewhat self-centered but not excessively so, wary and cautious around people they do not know very well, preferring not to meddle with others and in turn not to allow interference with themselves, thus they tend to attract people who do not understand them. Casual acquaintances they will treat with diplomacy, tact and, above all, reticence. They make few good friends but are intensely loyal to those they do make, and they can become bitter, and powerful enemies. They sometimes dislike the opposite sex and test the waters of affection gingerly before judging the temperature right for marriage. Once married, however, they are faithful, though inclined to jealousy. Most Capricorns marry for life.

Their occupations can include most professions that have to do with math or money and they are strongly attracted to music. They can be economists, financiers, bankers, speculators, contractors, managers and real estate brokers. They excel as bureaucrats, especially where projects demanding long-term planning and working are concerned, and their skill in debate and love of dialectic make them good politicians. They are excellent teachers, especially as principals of educational establishments where they have the authority to manage and organize without too much intimacy with the staff members. If working with their hands, they can become practical scientists, engineers, farmers and builders. The wit and flippancy which is characteristic of certain Capricornians may make some turn to entertainment as a career.

Toys for Kids A program of The Imperial Court de San Diego

2010-12-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

Diving head first into its 35th year, The Imperial Court de San Diego “Toys for Kids” Holiday drive encourages the community to donate an unwrapped toy or a monetary donation, which will benefit families across San Diego County and Tijuana. In a continued effort to support diverse family units, last year’s holiday drive successfully provided 42 families with much needed food and gifts for the holiday season.

“Since 1974, The Imperial Court de San Diego held the Toys for Kids drive in an effort to provide gifts to local children who fall below the poverty line” says City Commissioner, Nicole Murray Ramirez,

About Toys for Kids: The Imperial Court’s annual Toys for Kids drive, the oldest holiday toy drive of the LGBT community, was established in 1974 after the Marine Toys for Tots Foundation refused to accept donations from the homosexual community. From the time of its inception, the Toys for Kids program has brought holiday cheer to thousands of children throughout San Diego County and Mexico.

This year The Imperial Court de San Diego is distributing toys to a minimum of 6 organizations including

1)Family Matters
2)Barrio Station
3)Acosida in Tijuana
4)Escondido Health Center
5)Ramona Health Services
6)Christie's Place

Lonely is the Night

2010-12-21T11:41:00.000-08:00

I couldn't get this song out of my head last night, after reading the lyrics I understand why. I know there are a lot of other people out there that feel like I do.. Im just not afraid to admit it. So to those that are afraid.. This ones for you!

Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone
Your demons come to light and your mind is not your own
Lonely is the night when there's no one left to call
You feel the time is right--(say) the writin's on the wall

It's a high time to fight when the walls are closin' in
Call it what you like--it's time you got to win
Lonely, lonely, lonely--your spirit's sinkin' down
You find you're not the only stranger in this town

Red lights, green lights, stop 'n go jive
Headlines, deadlines jammin' your mind
You been stealin' shots from the side
Let your feelin's go for a ride

There's danger out tonight..the man is on the prowl
Get the dynamite...the boys are set to howl
Lonely is the night when you hear the voices call
Are you ready for a fight--do you wanna take it all

Slowdown, showdown--waitin' on line
Showtime, no time for changin' your mind
Streets are ringin', march to the sound
Let your secrets follow you down

Somebody's watchin' you baby--so much you can do
Nobody's stoppin' you baby, from makin' it too
One glimpse'll show you now baby, what the music can do
One kiss'll show you now baby--it can happen to you

No more sleepin', wastin' our time
Midnight creepin's first on our minds
No more lazin' 'round the tv
You'll go crazy--come out with me

Sanity is a point of view

2010-12-11T09:22:00.001-08:00

This was written by the 14 year old son (a freshman in high school) of a Facebook friend of mine, she and I have only meet once, and she honked at me once as I was walking down University Ave. But stuff like this is one of the reasons I love making new friends on Facebook, you never know how someone will touch your heart or make you smile. I havent changed any of his words, just the spelling of a few words.

Sanity is a point of view, just the same is with reason, reality, and the five human senses. these are what really separates the sane and the insane. its just that the people who ...are in the popular majority are defined not crazy. the people who have a slightly different perspective are called losers, weird, gay, and are usually outcast or hidden to what they want to be. once in a long while one of these people are brave enough to become a revolutionary and make the next big discovery or revelation. even create a new religion. so a repressed soul or crazy person may be hard to interpret but full of valuable information. like a instruction manual in a different language of their own. some people are wrongly considered crazy, as some knot known, some controversially known. the idea of sanity & insanity is one of the many things that create most problems across the world. but like our bio-structure, without it we would not be human.

that is what became in the changes of evolution.
we gained the ability to judge others perspective.
animals do not do this. either they get along or
die. we evolved to humans to drag out this process
so we could keep the human population high to
become the dominant species on the planet.

in retrospect, evolution is a combat tactic

Im not the only one that feels this way....

2010-10-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

A friend on Facebook tagged me in this note last night.. I didn't really read it until today but its funny how many of his feelings are the same as mine. Its nice to know I'm not alone.

I don't understand....by Harley Hinton on Tuesday,

I don't understand how people smile all day long, but cry themselves to sleep. How pictures never change, but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy. How forever turns into a few short months, that you'd do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live w|out. How people who once wanted to spend every second w| you, thinks a moment is too much to spare. How a persons smell stays w| you, even when they are not there. How no one will take the blame, but everyone wants the credit. How people make promises they know will never happen. How people can erase you from their lives just cause its easier than working things out. How ones who hurt you the most are the ones that are SO close. How the ones who truly understand you, never seem to know it, and the ones who always wanted to never really will. How the ones who are distant, never seem to leave and the ones who get close, make it really hard to breathe. How you make so many plans, you know will never happen, and what always seems to happen, isn't what you planned. How you know so many people, but feel like no ones there. How the ones who made you happy, now don't even care. and we are just left wondering ... why cant life be fair ?

Let it go!

2010-10-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

I borrowed this from my friend Rick, and Im going to keep reading it until I believe it.

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to, LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains, LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you, LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge, LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents, LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude, LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better, LET IT GO!!! If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him, LET IT GO!!! If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship, LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves, LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed, LET IT GO!!! If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to, LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing, LET IT GO!!!

Gay & Lesbian Times

2010-10-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well according to my VERY reliable sources. Michael Portantino's brother (State Assemblyman) Anthony Portantino has been in town helping to asses the current situation with the newspaper.

I understand there are currently three options the Portantino family is considering. #1 An out of town publisher looking into purchasing the GLT, #2 there is the possibility of reorganization of the company, #3 the final option of course would be to cease publication forever.

My sources have also told me almost all the staff has been laid off, some only temporarily.

The million dollar question is what about Nicole? Well since hes been writing a column in San Diego since 1973 there is no doubt we will see his column in print very soon.. I hear he is already in talks with a "straight" publication in town as well as another gay & lesbian publication.

My first day at City College

2010-08-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

Woe is me, all summer long I was happy and free. Save my soul, the board of education took away my parole. I gotta go back, back, back to school again.

What a day! Up at 5:30 to catch the bus to take me to my first day of school!
I arrived about 30 minutes early in order to find my class on time. Political Science 102, The American Political System. I found my seat and settled in 5-10 minutes before class began. I was shocked at the amount of people that came in late. OK 8AM on the first day of school I can understand if you are 5, maybe 10 minutes late.. But half an hour?? Well Miss THANG pulls a chair up next to me and says "can you scoot down?" (I wanted to say) NO BITCH I CAINT!! I got here on time, I picked this aisle seat because I wanted it. But what I did say (politely) "no you can sit in the middle I was here on time so I could have my pick of where to sit".. Or as Sister Iona said.. (I'm paraphrasing here) "I aint in school to make friends, move your ass out of my way"

I really liked the Professor, hes been teaching 40 years and this is his last year before retirement so hes full of stories, and VERY ADD like me. I follow him perfectly. So far there are 3 or 4 cute BOYS in that class, one who is sorta "cubby", but yes they are all under 20 years old, Im guessing more like 18 or 19, fresh out of High School. Those of you that know me know how I feel about the young ones.

I have a 5.5 hour break between classes on Mon & Wed, which beginning next week will be fine, because I can go to the library and study and play on Facebook...I mean study. Today I came home to eat lunch. The bus ride is only about 30 minutes each way, if i were to drive it takes me about 15 minutes to get to City College but with the parking situation downtown I could drive around for 15-20 minutes looking for a parking spot that's blocks away from the school. It really is quicker to just take the bus.

Back to school to try and crash a math class (some people call it auditing a class) Technically I wasn't crashing because I was on the wait list for the class, I am #7 on the list. I got there early and sat front and center so she could see my smiling face! ( I may have even flirted a little, HELL I NEED THIS CLASS) When the instructor took role today there were 8 registered students not in class and 2 on the wait list, so I moved up to #5 on the wait list.. The instructor said if they aren't here on the first day I drop em!! Now if 8 registered students were absent and I am #5 on the list... Well lets just say that math I DO understand, however the instructor wont give out any add codes until the next class, so Im still not officially in yet.

I really hate math, or I should say the IDEA of math. Today the instructor went over some basic stuff and it all started coming back to me, I even asked a question that stumped her for a moment. I think I'll do well in this class. The instructor encouraged us to try to form study groups of 3-4 people, so after class the cute read head boy came up and introduced himself. His name is Sydney.

to be continued.....

I fall too fast, I think too much

2010-08-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

So I've been hanging out with someone a little over a month or so. We dont say we're dating, we aren't boyfriends, we are just spending time together. Ive gotta say its been a great experience for me. Ive learned so many things about myself, self control, sharing, caring, not sharing too much, not caring too much, Paying him enough attention, but not paying him too much attention. There are a lot of unwritten rules when you aren't really dating someone. Its a great test for your confidence and self control. Going out dancing or to a bar with friends is always a new experience, I mean we don't hang on each other, we give each other space to "do our thing" but at times jealousy can creep in and you wanna punch the drunk guy tryin to make out with your date. Theres also been times where one of us feels like we were being "ignored" a little. But I just have to take a deep breath and remember hes arrived with me and hes leaving with me. Sometimes that's difficult for me, but I'm learning. Another thing we discussed early on was keeping things private. I'm sure he is sitting here reading this blog and CRINGING! However I think its become pretty obvious to people that we are hanging out together quite often.

And another thing,what do you call this person? We've gone over all the terms we DON'T like, but we haven't really come up with one that works. We started out saying cuddle buddies, then I jokingly started calling him my "Man-friend" which is cute and fun, but it also sounds to much like boyfriend. I asked the question on Twitter of what I should call him and I got a couple responses. One person said call him your friend, which he is but there are things we do together that I don't do with any of my other friends. Someone suggested just calling him by his name, but there are reasons that hasn't really worked either.

We communicate wonderfully, he isn't afraid to tell me things that he doesn't like when I do them, or give me his opinion when its different than mine, he is SO considerate to my friends and whats going on in their lives, and to me that's HUGE! He is very generous to me, especially with his time. OK I'm realizing I am starting to go on a little bit too much and its even makin me a little uneasy.

Ive been through a lot in the past year, its so nice to share some good times with a great guy! I cant ask for more nor do I need anything more right now. I have school starting in a couple of weeks and I will also have to find a part time job, Ill be lucky if I will be able to get to Baja Bettys on a regular basis, let alone have a lot of time to spend with my "man-friend", but if the desire to spend time together continues we will find a way. So far I think we've been on the same page with what we both want and need at this moment..

OK that's all for now.. I need a nap... (a real one this time)

What can I say.

2010-07-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

I havent been blogging lately.. I have some stuff to get off my chest and some things brag about, some things to "work out", and feelings to share, but I have a need and a request to keep some things a little more private lately. Im glad I have good friends that will listen to me and talk it out with me..

Ill be back to y'all soon.. I just need to find the right "voice" to express my thoughts and feelings without saying too much

Hannah Montana should EAT CORN

2010-07-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

THIS IS AN OLD OLD OLD BLOG I WROTE BACK IN THE MY SPACE DAYS... I DONT KNOW WHY I REALLY FELT THE NEED TO POST IT HERE BUT....

What the hell is happening? Maybe i watch the news too much? Maybe I care too much about Hannah Montana??

EAT CORN!

Gas is up.53 cents from last year but half of that increase just happened in the last 4 months. Unemployment is up with all the layoffs from major companies moving factory's and production overseas, home foreclosures are up 112% from a year ago, the bad news doesnt stop.

Y'all ready for this??
Maybe the biggest problem we are facing now is all because of corn.. Yep thats right CORN!! Ethanol fuel is made from corn, and farmers are getting government subsidies for growing corn. That means farmers are switching their existing fruit and veggie crops to corn. That means the supply of other "farm grown products" (fruit, veggies, beef, pork) is less but the demand is the same. so what does that mean?? Prices go up..

You would think that with all the corn being produced right now that any product derived from corn or corn products would be cheap... but they aint. . Almost 3,000 different products in the grocery store contain corn products, everything from adhesives to whiskey the farmers are growing all this corn for ethanol production, and that doesn't leave a lot left over for food products. so what did we just learn?? supply vs demand yeah yeah you got it

The price of corn tortillas is up 50% eggs are up 40%,(chickens eat corn) and the nearly 3,000 other items with corn are sure to see price increases soon.
Thank God I dont like corn.

The cost of hops has gone up 300 to 400 percent in the last 16 months.. talk about a tear in your beer!! i feel sorry for the rednecks that are not gonna be able to afford their Papst Blue Ribbon once prices go up.
Thank God I dont like Beer..

Hannah Montana

Miley Cyrus and her internet photos then the Vanity Fair Photos.. I had my doubts about the "green bra" photo that has been going around the internet. a look alike or Photoshop?? But then i remembered shes only 15 years old, log onto MySpace and look up 15 year old girls profiles you'll find a majority of them have slutty pictures in their bras or tight midriff t-shirts with ass crack showin. its what kids do.. get over it!! If Miley were flashing us her bathing suit top under her t-shirt would we be upset?

The Vanity Fair photos have come out and the photo the media is making a big deal about is shown on the left below here... I don't see the problem.. I'm trying to recall the famous painting that this photo resembles?? maybe by Rembrandt? Let me know if you know what painting I'm referring to. I was more disturbed by the photo of her and her father. It looks like a boyfriend/girlfriend pic.. But i remembered Billy Ray used to have a mullet and we all know that a
Mullet = Redneck, and well i don't have to tell y'all the rest. Draw your own conclusions.. Hannah Montana is still a good girl ,plus her dad says shes the best kisser hes ever had. Now I REALLY want to be Hannah Montana, Billy Ray Cyrus can definitely be my Daddy!!

When I see the story of Miley's photos on every channel even the evening news...
It makes me very happy cuz I think WOW the war must be over???

What goes up, must come down (My moods)

2010-07-04T02:16:00.001-07:00

I cant believe its been so long since my last blog post.. There really has been a lot that has happened. All good stuff really. BUT tonight there is something on my mind and I gotta let it out.

This REALLY cute guy "showed up" on my Facebook friends list not too long ago. I really dont know how we became friends but based on his hotness level Im sure I was the one to send him a friend request. He comments and "likes" almost everything I post. Well this past week I was bold enough to invite him out to dinner before a movie night with friends, he agreed to meet up and I was both nervous and excited at the same time. Unfortunately he had some major issues at work and he had to postpone... Never once did I think it was an excuse or anything.. It all worked out for the best cuz that was the day I got sick at the Fair... I wasnt in the best state to be tryin to woo some stud..

ANYWAY tonight I went to Bacchus House for Bear night.. I had a blast hangin out with Trent & Lee, but this really cute guy walked by a couple of times and then finally he came up and said, "you look like Kurt".. Guess who it was? Yep, the really cute guy from Facebook.. BUT he was even cuter in person. Immediately I felt a little inadequate... Oh I guess I forgot to mention I was wearing a COOKIE MONSTER t-shirt.. Not the sexiest thing I could have worn.

He is handsome, fun, attentive, polite, etc etc.. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea that I was VERY interested in this guy. FINALLY he asked me to dance.. WHOA!!!just WHOA.. As we walked to the dance floor I made sure Errrryone of my friends saw me steppin on the dance floor wit him..

Heres where MY story starts to change.. This guy is so handsome and so sexy.. As soon as we hit the dance floor he takes his shirt off, he encourages me to do the same. SSSSCHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH... My mood went into the pits right away. I dont look my best right now.. I dont have the confidence to take my shirt off. Do I think I could WOW this guy at a dinner table with conversation and my charm? ABSOLUTLEY!! Am I gonna win him over with my shirt off on the dance floor? Prolly not. ALTHOUGH he did mention several times he REALLY likes furry guys, and Im one of the most furriest guys I know. The guys on the dance floor at Bear night were SO HOT, there WAS NO WAY I could compete with them (not that he ever made me think I was in a competition) ARRRGH why does my mind fuck with me like this??

All in all it was a great night...HOWEVER one of the last things he said to me, almost made me give up.. I think I asked him something like, are ya gonna give me a chance to go out with you? (something like that) and he replied Sure, BUT ya gotta move quick, you have about 2 weeks to make your move (i am paraphrasing) He went on to say something about only being single about a month between relationships and hes been single for 2 weeks...... Ya know a few months ago or a year ago I would have just said oh fuck it.. he obviously isnt the right guy for me..and he may or may not be.. But ya never know til ya try... AND besides I did try to go out with him LAST week.... so shouldnt he be adding a week to my "deadline"????

Coming out of my cocoon

2010-06-14T15:48:00.001-07:00

Cleaning is something I used to be fanatical about, my place always used to be sparkling clean, but after I became depressed back in October, its something I just didnt care about anymore, But maybe I am coming out from under my dark cloud a little bit. I have been making an effort to clean up my little apartment the past couple of weeks. Last week I had to go and get a bunch of stuff out of an old friends garage that I had stored there for quite a few months, Ive had to temporarily absorb a lot of this stuff into my place until I sell it or store it somewhere else. I started to clean my kitchen today (hopefully I will finish) Tomorrow I hope to get my bedroom cleaned up enough to sleep in my bed, I havent done so in over a month and I think thats why Im not sleeping so well. Now dont get the wrong idea, its not that my place is full of filth, its just cluttered. I havent been putting my clean laundry away, its just been on the bed, and some of the "stored" stuff is in the bedroom now as well. My place is really tiny, so it gets cluttered VERY easily.

I signed up for school today! I just signed up online, I still have to meet with a counselor, take the assessment tests, pick classes, etc But Its something I am really excited about. I still dont have a clue as to what I am going to do, but I need to get the general stuff out of the way first anyway so I have a little time to figure that out. I was actually giddy about it today, dancing around my apartment a little bit! I hope this all works out for me because I REALLY want this..

Last week 3 different friends made it a point to tell me that I seem a lot more positive in person, and my posts on Facebook have been more positive as well. I cant tell you how much that meant to me. I havent really been working on appearing positive but theres a few things that I think I can credit for the change.

#1 I think finally I have the right dosage and combination of anti-depressants, I dont think most people realize how difficult it is to find the right balance, and each time you make a change it can take anywhere from 2-4 weeks for the change to truly take effect.

#2 Ive also "removed" some negativity from my life; people, situations, etc.
Sometimes you dont really realize how negative or "nagging" someone is until you arent around them anymore.. Or maybe I just got to a point where I had heard enough people bitching about nothing and I was starting to realize it, and wasnt being so nice about it anymore....enough about that.

#3 I have realized that alcohol has played a big part in some of the drama that has happened with friends. Judgment, emotions, and reactions all get distorted with alcohol. I honestly have to say when I am drinking Im pretty happy and fun, I may get a bit annoying, but I dont fight or get mad or sensitive. If I am wrong about this I hope someone will remind me and call me out on it, but Im pretty sure I dont get all "crazy" when Im drinking. (unless you call "getting sick" on the side of a building crazy) Sorry Urban Mo's!!

I think some people dont consider that alcohol affects you NOT just the day or night you are drinking, but the effects can continue for a couple days after. I was talking with a friend about this recently and he said that he is more emotional or depressed the following day after drinking. So if you are drinking 3 or 4 days a week, that pretty much means you arent in your "right mind" too often.

Ive not gone out at certain times when I know there is gonna be too many friends together drinking, just to avoid any exposure to drama or uncomfortable situations. There have been just a few "dramatic episodes" that I have heard of, certainly no where near the amount of times I have stayed home trying to avoid it all, but I think trying to remove myself from it is a good move on my part.

Last week I enjoyed a great night out with friends for dinner Spaghetti and Show tunes and no one drank and we had plenty of fun! Now please I dont want to come across as hypocritical, anyone that knows me knows I LOVE my Baja Betty's margaritas and my Jack & Coke I'm just finding better more positive ways to enjoy myself when I am out with friends.. Smaller groups of the RIGHT people, less often, for shorter periods of time when alcohol is involved.
As two friends of mine Top Chef Rich Sweeney (yeah I just name dropped) and Gooster used to say K.I.S.S. (keep it simple stupid)

Can we talk?

2010-05-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

I believe if you look hard enough for something you will find it. That goes for happiness, sadness, drama..everything. If you have it in your mind that someone is a certain way, you will find something to support that feeling whether it is true or not. If you are easily influenced by others thoughts and feelings about a situation or person, you will also 'look" for a reason to have those same feelings.

Yesterday my friend Chris posted this on Facebook and it got me thinking...

Not only do we avoid focusing on ourselves when we gossip, but our disrespect for others reinforces self-defeating attitudes about relationships. - Anonymous :-)

As I said on Facebook yesterday my Blog is somewhere that I express my feelings and experiences. It is NOT a place where I gossip. I share MY feelings and thoughts. I dont even know if people read it. So is that considered gossip? When you have a direct conversation with people and you are talking about someone else THAT might be considered gossip. Have I talked about other people before? Absolutely!! Everyone does, but few are big enough to admit it. And if you think people arent talking about you, well my dears you are clearly delusional... This is a lesson I have learned time and time again. They maybe laughing and joking with you one day, but the next they might just be laughing about you with someone else.

I would be lying if I said I didnt worry about what people think of me or what they maybe saying. I admitted to that as being my biggest fault. At least I am aware of it and I try hard not to let it get to me.

Heres a few things you might want to think about or consider.

When did you stop thinking for yourself? Are you that easily influenced? What is your motivation for thinking the way you do? Are you a fair weather friend? Do you jump on the band wagon? Are you better than someone else? Do you have issues or problems you ignore but you concentrate on other peoples shortcomings? Maybe you have other motivations for doing what you do? Does that make you right or wrong? Does that make me right or wrong?

Self-defeating attitudes about relationships.... That says A LOT!!!

Whos that girl?

2010-05-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I checked in into my house on Foursquare and I made a comment on that post that said "the only place I wont run into the SWF"

A short time later a now ex friend sent me a nasty text that I have since deleted so I cant remember exactly what it said. (see my last blog post) But basically he was tellin me what a jerk I was for making a comment about my old BFF. Really? did I mention her name in that comment? What would lead him to believe I was talking about her?

You remember the movie Single White Female? where this girl moves in with another girl and sort of takes over her life? She starts dressing like her roommate, befriending all of her friends, going to the same places, making the moves on her boyfriend (before she kills him). This girl basically takes over the other girls life. She cant go anywhere without her roomie being there or having her hand in what she is doing.

What would make him think I was talking about someone in particular? Is this something my old BFF has done or is doing? Does he consider her to be acting like the girl in the movie? I dont know, hes the one that matched my comment to my old BFF so maybe thats what people think??? I guess its a matter of opinion..

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.. My old bff doesnt even follow me anywhere on Twitter or on foursquare so she would not have even known about my comment if he didnt make such a big issue over it. So all he did was create DRAMA! If he didnt like it all he had to do was choose to ignore it. As I told him once before he doesnt need to be involved in this.

Something else I learned from someone I dated was if you dont like what I have to say then dont read my stuff. Its as easy as that. And if you dont have the decency to return emails, or reply to text messages you do not have the privilege of spouting off your opinions to me in a text message whenever you feel like it. Thats really poor communication and also very immature.

They're not worthy

2010-05-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

So my thinking may be different than some people and what makes sense to me might not make sense to others. But please tell me what you think.

When someone that you call a friend decides to just stop replying to your texts or emails and is ignoring you when in social settings is it up to you to make the effort to see what the issue is? My feeling is that if this person is a friend and they have an issue with you they should be able to talk to you about it. Dont their actions pretty much tell you they dont want to communicate with you? Nothing was ever solved by ignoring someone, so if thats the road they choose then to me their actions say they have no interest in having a relationship with you. I guess this is like what I was talking about in my blog a couple days ago, It just takes time to see someones "true colors" Immature behavior like this is just not something that I need to deal with in my life right now, and I should just be happy that I didnt get too involved with this person.

I have experienced this from two different people in the last month. Oddly (or maybe not so odd) these two people are good friends. Birds of a feather?? Or maybe they feed off of each other? I dont know, and after writing this blog I realize Im much better off without them in my life.

UPDATE!! well after a week of trying unsuccessfully to get a hold of him to get my picnic blanket, he finally contacted me yesterday, but only to once again stick his nose in some business that wasnt his. I had asked him once before to stay out of this thing with my old BFF and I but he was probably already drinking and and that fueled his need to say something to me. His drinking was really the biggest issue in trying to be his friend, he never remembers anything that happens, so you hear the same stories over and over, he gets SO insecure and sensitive. How many times did I have to hear him point to a stranger and say "Hes talking shit about me"!!! He also tries to call you out for making a comment about something that he thinks isnt true, but in reality he just didnt remember it happening. He gets mad and leaves the bar, even if hes the one that drove (hes left me at a bar twice) I already erased his text message from yesterday, I wish I hadnt because it was kind of comical. The very thing he was TRYING to bitch me out for was the very thing he was doing. It was probably the alcohol, but as his new "bestie" said a few weeks ago, "he isn't the brightest thing".

Im so embarrassed about that blog I wrote calling him a friend for life (Ive taken that one down) I will miss the good times we had because there were a few, but he was just a blink of time in my life. I wont be one of the people that hangs out with him JUST because hes always paying for everything. The babysitting I had to do wasnt even worth me going out. I dont need to be out so badly that Ill put up with his drama just for a free drink. I wish him luck and I wish him well, and everyone around him too.

And you and you and you, you have to give people hope.

2010-05-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

After a lengthy talk with a good friend last night I was/am feeling pretty down. Among many things that I constantly worry about is what I can possibly do with the rest of my life, feelings of hopelessness consume me. I feel like starting over at 41 years old just isnt possible. Im broke, unemployed, fat and single. I feel like Ill never be able to pull myself out of this.

This morning I saw a post by my friend Tryce and it got me thinking I can still do anything I want, after all Harvey Milk didnt even become involved in politics until he was 40 years old, not that I want to become a politician, but thats a pretty big mountain to start climbing at 40 years old. I just need to find my motivation.

Last night while chatting with my friend I realized that I need to start having more conversations with people that have overcome major obstacles. Im tired of hearing sob stories from people about how awful their life is when in reality they have it pretty damn easy. Bitching about how awful your mother is, or how you need new clothes, or how you are so confused by the 2-3 guys you're trying to date.. Maybe thats why I feel so hopeless all the time? Because when I hear people bitching about stuff like that, you can imagine I must feel totally broken and unfix-able

I guess there is hope for me. I just need to believe in myself more, I need to RE become the person I used to be...But how? I need to begin by concentrating on that little tiny glimmer of hope, instead of the huge amount of hopelessness.

Every time I feel like Im taking a step forward, I take 2 steps backwards. I dont know how to stay on the right path anymore.

I was hoping by blogging I would come up with some answers for myself like I usually do.. Not this time.

Happy Harvey Milk Day

Let me clarify something

2010-05-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

I think some people are confused as to what my blog is about. My blog has always been and will always be somewhere that I express my FEELINGS. They might be feelings that have built up over a period of time, or they be feelings Im still not clear on and writing them down helps me work through them.

I had a few private comments on my last blog, one person said he completely agreed with what I said, one person said happy to see you working through your feelings here and one person said they thought it was mean spirited and unnecessary. So I bet you can figure out the reason why Im writing THIS blog today. I can deal with the opinion of being mean spirited (it was not how it was intended) but to say it was unnecessary? well that has bothered me all week, so now I am writing about it (see how it works) The person that said that has been a friend for many years and I know he has great love for me and he truly only wants the best for me. He is afraid of me looking foolish, pathetic, etc etc. I know he is reading this and I just wanna tell him.. I love you! Im only writing about this to get it off my chest, after this I wont think about it again. I have a hard enough time pleasing myself, Ive learned Ill never please everyone else.

At the museums on Tuesday we were joking about how I should start a blog like Gossip Girl, an anonymous blog so I can truly say what I want to about people and not get any backlash. But see THAT would be mean spirited and thats not my intention here.

Today I am experiencing something that i can only laugh at. Bitchy status updates on Facebook by people that are so easily influenced by others words and opinions. Whats sad is this person is unaware of the fact that some of the people he is listening to right now are the same people that talk about him behind his back. This guy is sweet and wants to have friends so badly that it seems he is willing to do whatever it takes to get friends, but over the last month or so Ive learned he plays both sides of a situation and just lets people hear what they wanna hear. I dont have time for that kind of shit, but I cant really be angry at him, I think he is just trying to make friends and I think he is just doing what he thinks is right in order to do so.

See now writing this blog has really helped me, I was sort of worried that I was going through friends rather quickly, but in reality what is happening is that it takes time for people to reveal their true authentic selves to you, and when they do you either like the person they are or you dont. I have met a lot of new people in the past few months, some of them I really like and some of them as I learn more about them I realize they are just not people I mesh with. I know there are people I have met that just dont like me either.. Thats the way life works. One of the differences with me is I wont act phony about it and pretend I like someone "just because".. I figure it out and move on rather quickly.

Realizations

2010-05-18T04:56:00.000-07:00

I havent blogged for awhile for many reasons.. #1 Ive been feeling really good lately, #2 the few things that are bothering me are mostly about people I have or am building friendships with and I dont want to embarrass them.

I was talking with my friend Dan yesterday and he mentioned that my spirits seemed to be up lately and I would have to agree. I have been keeping myself very busy lately, going to Balboa Park, visiting the museums, fun stuff! Of course Ive been goin to Baja Bettys and the usual haunts but not as much. I havent been drinking as much either, it just hasnt had too much of an appeal, and at times it actually makes me physically ill and I'll have to go to the bathroom and puke. The other reason I think I have been doing so well is that I have not been hangin out with people that have a negative influence on me or that just drain me, sometimes you dont realize how draining someone can be on you until you are no longer around them.

My bff and I havent hung out for a couple of weeks, and at times I feel like I should feel sad about this, but the truth is I dont... I havent tried to replace her with anybody or anything, Ive just been livin my life and its been pretty good. We were friends for about 10 years, she was very young when we met (21 or 22) and I was about 30, and I think maybe we have just grown apart. Emotionally she isnt someone I can really go to for support because.. well shes a girl and she gets very emotional. I need someone strong and experienced to help me through situations and give me advice, and at this stage in my life I think I have just outgrown her. You can only stretch out the fun times so long, you need new experiences and situations to build on, and us hangin out at a gay bars just isnt doin it anymore. Im 41 years old, been there done that.

My life experiences have been more than most of my friends, and its hard to find one person to go to for support that has the kind of experiences that I have had in my life. I gotta give props to Gooster for a great piece of advice he gave me a couple months ago, well actually he just told me something that works for him and Ive been trying to apply it, Anyway what he told me was instead of depending on one or two people for support, find out what each of your friends strengths are and go to them as needed, that way you dont wear anyone out to soon. I have kind of realized that I was the ONE person my old bff went to all the time and I think I just got worn out.

I posted a Facebook status last week that said something like To all my friends that are delusional but aware of what their issues are I LOVE YOU, to those that are delusional but not aware of their issues or problems I love you too just not as often. Thats really proven to be effective for me. I have a friend that lets say STRETCHES the truth quite often, hell sometimes he just right out lies, the only thing I can figure is that he does this for attention? Thats OK we all have our "stuff" but I have learned I cant trust anything he says, and I spend much less time with him. I havent talked to him about it because it isnt my place, if he feels that this works for him GREAT let it be. I still have some laughs with him on occasion, but when his bullshit starts to get deep I find myself starting to call him out on it, so maybe I need to start hangin out with him even less.
Theres one more thing Im wanting to talk about but Im tired of writing this AM.. Ill save it for later I guess..

Some GREAT words by my friend Kai

2010-05-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

YOUR REPUTATION IS WHAT PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE; YOUR CHARACTER IS WHAT YOU ARE.

You want your reputation and your character to match, but concentrate on your character. You may be able to fool others about the kind of person you really are for a time, but it seldom lasts for long. The surest way to make sure your character and your reputation are the same is to live your life in such a way that nothing you do would embarrass you if it were printed on the front page of the newspaper. Good character means not ever taking ethical shortcuts, even though everyone else may be doing so. You build good character by doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.

Round two

2010-05-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

The only thing I can figure out why ny old "BFF" is mad at me AGAIN is that I kept a secret from her to "protect" her, as did two other friends of ours. When the secret came out I was the bad guy.. I wasn't told why she is mad at me this time. So im left to figure it out on my own and that's all I can come up with.

Last week she was mad at me because on Monday I turned down a makeup job she asked me to do and on Tuesday the day my Doctor suggested I go back into the hospital I didn't want to talk with her about it. Either reason in my mind are very selfish reasons to be MAD at someone else. I can understand frustrated and I can understand fed up, but do those things really constitute her then ignoring me and telling me she has nothing to say to me when I ask her why she isn't replying to me? Because I didn't live up to her expectations I am the bad guy? (see last blog post if you are confused)

Because of my depression and being "down" I didn't quite have it in me to do a makeup job, plus I no longer have my own makeup kit, it was stolen a few years ago. I sometimes use a friends makeup kit when I do someones drag makeup but the tools and makeup are not of the "caliber" i need to do makeup for a commercial. You need a certain type of foundation, proper colors, etc etc. Is the commercial video or film because its different for each of those too. A drag queens (a non PRO drag queen) makeup kit would hardly fill the bill for this job. Secondly its not really easy being creative when you are depressed either. I actually found this article on dealing with depression as an artist. Read it here The makeup job was originally scheduled for Friday and I was actually feeling fine on Friday, but there was no way for me to know that. But as I said, without the proper tools the job may not have come out too well. Is that a price your willing to pay for a client?

Yesterday I was having a great time with my friend John. we met up with "C" after she went to the Hole with another friend. Things were going great, but I guess this is where I stop writing about what happened. As I said in my Facebook status last night, I'm not afraid of looking foolish to people because I am going to keep someone elses "secrets" to myself. I don't feel like I have to tell you everything about "C" or what happened yesterday so that you will have the full story just so I am justified. I am very comfortable with my position in this situation. ESPECIALLY based on the "last" reason she was mad at me, and what she said to me after John dropped us off. I can only assume that this one was just as selfish. When I wrote my blog yesterday saying our friendship was over and I have no regrets I should have listened to myself, I should have left it at that.

Sadly most of us put expectations on our friends, we expect them to be sensitive to our feelings, our ups and downs, our mistakes, etc etc. When they don't meet our expectations do we get angry at them? Do we stop talking to them? Ignore them when we see them out? Or do we tell them why we are upset? I guess it would depend on the "severity" of the issue. If my depression is so severe that my friends get "mad" at me well then Ill take the blame. Its just easier that way

Cleaning house with no regrets/always go with your gut instinsts

2010-05-01T03:28:00.000-07:00

I dont know if its a certain age you reach or just a certain point in life, where you just make an unconscious decision to no longer deal with other peoples drama and bullshit.

In the past couple of months I have made choices to no longer deal with people after they have exhibited behavior thats either dramatic or irrational, or just simply straight up lying. I instantly wipe them away and I have no regrets about it at all.
Ive recently done this with 2 friends of mine, and I truly have not second guessed my decision or regretted it one bit.

Today I came to the realization that my best friend and I would no longer be best friends. Im not going to write about all of our issues here, because to be quite honest I dont really know what happened she just suddenly stopped communicating with me, at first it hurt my feelings but after she didnt reply to 2 text messages 2 days in a row and ignored me when she walked into Baja Bettys, I finally sent her an email, that said "you wanna tell me why you arent replying to me?" well she replied to the mail and her response was I have nothing to say to you. .. Well thats all I needed to hear.. Dont need the drama thanks. Like I said Im not gonna go on about it here. I dont need to get it all off my chest, I am surprisingly feeling OK about this, I mean I would be lying if I said it didnt bother me a little bit, after all I am up at 3:45 writing a blog post about it. But i think my current anxiety was caused by her blocking me from reading her wall on Facebook last night, So just to make it easier on her I removed her as a friend, but sent her an email telling her why.

Its going to be weird not having a "best friend" anymore but I also feel like there is this huge weight lifted off of me. Its hard to explain with out saying too much about how our relationship was. But i feel a small sense of relief and freedom.

I do know that I have SO many friends that I enjoy spending time with that I have probably neglected because I was always with my "Best Girl" Just this afternoon I hung out with two friends, one of which I have known longer than my old BFF and another friend Ive known almost as long and I thought WOW I've really been missing out on interacting with other people I enjoy, people that dont need constant attention or reassuring that they look good, or crying because some girl looked at them wrong, or any other issues that come up with straight girls... sorry to all my straight girl friends but its true, y'all can be a lot of work.

Yesterday morning my friend Jeffrey reminded me that I need to worry more about me instead of other people, he and I both agree that its a sad way to be and against both of our nature to not worry about other people.. But with all that I have been through in the past 6 months it really is the best way for me to handle things.
TAKE CARE OF #1

Well I guess thats all for now. Gonna see if I can sleep a couple hours before my 7AM client shows up

A test

2010-04-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

A TEST This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida , Miami to be specific.. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:... Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar.. you suddenly realize who they are.

It's Sarah Palin and George W Bush!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever.

You have two options:
You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most dangerous people

NOW,
Here's the question; and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

A quickie - update

2010-04-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry I havent been sharing with you too much lately. Things have been going pretty good and Ive also been busy writing more articles for GLTNewsNow.com so Ive been ignoring my blog a bit.

I just read on Facebook that a friend, James was inspired by my blog to start writing his own. Im glad I can inspire anyone to do anything, but this was particularly impressive to me because James is SUPER intelligent and what he has written about is really intellectually and emotionally stimulating.. YAY ME! *Patting myself on the back for inspiring greatness* TOOT TOOT TOOT MY OWN HORN!!!

Theres something else i am very proud of.. Last week at Urban Mo's I ran into the last guy I dated, as you may remember theres been lots of drama there for one reason or another. But thats all in the past now because when I saw him I just gave him a hug and chatted about pink boas and pink beads and blah blah blah and that was it.. Well I ran into him again a few minutes later and not even sure if we talked or not but it was all completely effortless. it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. Im really proud of how far I have come, it hasnt been an easy road and there have been bumps and turns along the way. But Im happy to say thats all behind us now, and I know it has to be a huge relief for him as well. YAY ME!

In my last blog I wrote about a new friend, John. Well Im happy to say John and I have been hangin out a lot lately. Ive introduced him to my other friends and he and Cheri get along great. John is really good to me and he "takes care of me" Im tryin to introduce him to different things around town to do, like Game night at The LGBT Center, I''m taking him to a house party next Friday, etc etc. We have meaningful talks about life, boys, family, and more. We also get really silly and dance and prance around Urban Mo's, Baja Betty's and whereever else they will put up with us. Just one word of advice.. Dont play Trivial Pursuit with him cuz he yells out the answer no matter whose turn it is.

Speaking of prancing around Urban Mo's, for a couple different Sundays Ive hung out a little bit with some of the Armada Rugby boys. They are a BLAST.. Sadly I had a preconceived idea about these guys based on some bad experiences with one of the players, The guys Ive been hanging out with dont really hang out with him though so its all good.. So now Im a Rugby Player groupie!! Their season is over now but I cant wait for it to start up again!

Im still working on all that "government aid" stuff, the State of California just sent me a big ol stack of paperwork I gotta fill out this week.. So this week that is my goal.. Git er dun!

Oh what a weekend!

2010-04-05T16:41:00.001-07:00

After being at my Moms most of the week I was certainly ready to get out of the house so Friday afternoon Cheri, Sister Iona and I headed to St Patrick's Church for Stations of the Cross service (Im not Catholic, I just went along for the ride) THEN the fun part we headed over to Baja Bettys for one drink, well as usual that turned into a few drinks, and a few more friends joining us. I guess some of us got bored there because next thing I knew we were heading to Pecs. Oh I think I forgot to mention I was wearing my rabbit ears the whole time..well except for church, anyway there was a table of guys at Pecs that kept hootin and hollerin at me to come over and there was one cute guy so I obliged.. anyway we soon left Pecs and got some pizza, it was good but it was too bad I drank too much that I threw it all up..

Oh well, at least I wasnt hungover on Saturday. The day started out innocent enough Cheri and I picked up Nicole for Breakfast at Urban Mo's we ran into a few "old school" people we knew like Gene Burkhart (founder of International male) Chris Shaw (owner of Mo's, Bettys, and Gossip Grill) then we walked around Hillcrest for awhile for some shopping for Easter stuff and Cheri's costume for Lets Make a Deal, Nicole got tired so we dropped her off and continued on with our shopping. As usual i was on the phone checkin out Facebook and I saw David Cope the HOT bartender at Urban Mos was working so I talked Cheri into ONE drink at Mo's.. That was about 4pm..We were doin fine until the first shot, then Chris the owner came by and bought us a round of drinks.. Well as Cheri said we should have known our evening was goin down hill when I was taking pictures with Armada Rugby players bare butts at the bar.. SORRY DORA!! Cheri decided it was time to go. BUT my Twitter friend John showed up and weve been tryin to hang out forever.. So who was I to turn down the 5-10 drinks he offered to buy me, after all I had made plans to meet up with another Twitter friend Jasun later that night at Mos so what a perfect opportunity for me to hang out with John AND Jasun. DAMN this is a long story.. John is a SUPER sweet guy, cute and sexy as hell.. If I were 10 years younger and 20 pounds thinner I would be ALL OVER THAT!! But seriously hes a really nice guy, very caring and concerned when Im feeling down and that boy can DRINK all day and night and go to work the next day no problem.. man hes like my hero!

Jasun had a group of friends he was hangin out with so he was back and forth between them and John and I.. Sadly my phone battery died so i had to keep using Jasun's phone to "converse" with him (Jasun is Deaf) I have to admit Ive always had a little crush on Jasun and he is a lot cuter in person than in his pictures online.. Woof!! or actually i should say MEOW (inside joke) Mos was bumpin that night and some more friends were there.. Kelly, Jarrod and Daddy John!! I havent seen Daddy John for awhile so that was nice. Chris C and his new man another FB friend Rick G. were there too!! After lots more drinks and lots of pictures Jasun wanted to go to Fiesta Cantina, well there was a line there so we just decided to call it a night.. It was about 12AM (yes i did say I started at 4pm) I had to get up early for Lets Make a Deal anyway. Jasun and I decided to walk for a little bit before we went home. he was staying right by The Center so it wasnt too far of a walk and I was cabbing it. BUT ooops on the walk I got a little sick.. oh man, i dont think Jasun saw me pukin in the bushes.. I sure hope not.

Sunday morning came quick.. We had to be on the road for Lets Make a Deal by 9am I still hadnt gotten my costume out and ready.. I wasnt sleeping very well because kitten snores loud.. I got up showered etc. right before it was time to go I had to run to the bathroom because I was gonna be sick. Well needless to say Cheri had to pull over a few times on our way to LA so I could puke.. OMG how was I gonna get through this day? Well we got to LA pretty quick just to wait around in line for a few hours.. I had a great costume, and when we finally got in the studio they sat us down in a PRIME location to get picked.. Well about ONE MINUTE before the show started they moved us more towards the back.. Well wouldnt ya fuckin know it the guy that they moved to my seat was one of the first to get picked and was the BIG winner of the day.. I swear if I didnt have bad luck I would have no luck at all. Im never gonna waste my time going to another game show taping again.. I think the only show I would waste my time with is Ellen, but thats nearly impossible to get tickets for.
Oh yeah the earthquake, Ive lived in So Cal my entire life, ive felt many earthquakes so no big deal to me.. I didnt even feel this one but you could see all the lights and signs in the studio movin back and forth for a few minutes. I thought Heidi was gonna pass out.. Well we got out of there and got somethin to eat, the first thing I had eaten all day was potato cheese soup. Well we got home a few minutes after 9PM so that was a 12 hour day, we did have some fun, but like I said Ill never do it again.. what a waste of time. I watched Celebrity Apprentice then went to bed. I guess we were havin aftershocks still cuz the cat wouldnt leave my side all night.. He was a little freaked out. Well I guess thats it.. Theres a lot of GOOD stuff I left out here but some things I just gotta keep to myself.
BUT heres the BIG SMILE that someone put on my face... :-D

Ahhh what a fun weekend!!

Anxiously dreaming

2010-04-02T12:52:00.001-07:00

I had a weird dream last night. It was gay pride, and I was there all alone. I kept running into friends and ex's that are now dating other people, it seemed like I was the only person at Pride all by myself. Kirk was in my dream and he was now dating someone that I used to like so that made me upset. Cory was in the dream but I never saw the guy he was dating in my dream. I was so upset I ran to my friend Steve C. to discuss it. In my dream Steve was letting me work for him in his nursery, in real life he owns a postal shipping place... Dreams can be so weird. I just remember being so upset and having a major anxiety attack in my dream. Steve of course calmed me and helped me through it AGAIN.

I woke up feeling anxious and didnt want to leave my Moms house, I really think Im still trying to find the right balance of medication. I had a couple cups of coffee and just barreled through the anxiety this morning before it got very bad.

Thats all for now

Mr Van de Mark

2010-03-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

I met Brian many years ago, in an undisclosed location :-)
Hes given me advice, interviewed me for articles he wrote for the GLT, helped me through a difficult day or two, he was always direct and at times brutally honest, he would tell me these long drawn out stories about his mother, but it always seemed to come back to the situation I was going through. Brian was battling cancer and I am so happy he is no longer in pain. I will miss him greatly.

Death has surrounded me the past couple of months. Its one thing that saddens me beyond measure.

What happened to the passion?

2010-03-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

I used to be passionate about stuff. Now I dont even care.

I used to be passionate about causes, I used to have a passion for my work, Ive been passionate about people at times. Now I dont care much about anything, Ill go days without getting off the couch, showering, or at times even brushing my teeth.

Sometimes I take the worlds problems on as my own, I start to get in this thought process that I hate the direction the country or the world is going and it really starts to get me down. It can be triggered by something as small as people not using a turn signal to something as big as a national election. So rather than get myself goin on a downward spiral of hating stuff, i chose to just not think about it. But that brings me to the place I am now.. Not feeling anything at all. Or maybe its all these pills the Dr has me on right now. Whatever it is its not working.. This entire week Ive been down in the dumps, not wanting to leave my couch and do anything..

I dont know what the point of this blog post was, I know everyone on Facebook is tired of hearing me bitch, last night some asshole called me a messy drama queen.. Ive never even met this guy, he lives in Columbus, Ohio.. He has no idea of my history or what I have been through. I promptly removed him as a friend after his little "tirade" on my status update, telling me how him and the rest of my friends were sick of hearing me go on and on. Ive taken a break from Twitter.. Ive posted a couple of things there but no one responds so I feel like Ive worn out my welcome there.

Its seems that the stuff I want a response to on Facebook gets nothing and the dumb "innocent" things i post causes a flurry of debate. Im thinkin i should maybe take a break from Facebook too? But then what would I do all day? My Psychiatrist thinks im looking to Facebook and Twitter for too much validation. Hes probably right, if it werent were Facebook I wouldnt even feel relevant at times

Right now Im supposed to be getting ready to go to my mothers house but I dont feel like going anywhere..

Will I ever get out of here?

2010-03-25T16:17:00.000-07:00

I have a few good days and a few more bad days, at times I wonder if I will ever be completely out from under this dark cloud. Im not living the life I want to live, I dont know that I will ever be completely happy again. Im miserable, Im fat, Im lonely and Im not doing anything to get better, I just have set back after set back.. If it weren't for my cat I probably wouldn't smile some days. I was going on walks with my friend Jeffrey but Im tired of those walks. The only thing they do is help take up some time during the day.. Id rather lay on the couch then walk around the park.

I know that sometimes just sitting here with my thoughts are not good, they do start to go to dark places, but thats when I just go to sleep. Ive been trying to get to my Moms house for a week now, at first it was my anxiety that kept me from going, now I just dont have the energy or motivation to drive up there. Theres not a whole to do there either so Id just be doing the same thing there Im doing here..

Well see what tomorrow brings, maybe Ill get the motivation to go there for the weekend.

What else can I do

2010-03-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Im so tired of doing everything Im supposed to be doing and getting nowhere

I dont like my new therapist.. after 3 months of working with my last one I felt like I was finally getting somewhere before he died. This one I just dont think Ill bother going back to. i finally am warming up to my Psychiatrist, he actually took an interest in what Im telling him, he thinks Im looking to the wrong places for validation like Twitter and Facebook. He suggested I give one or both of them up for a while and see how it effects me. SO i decided to give up Twitter. its been a little over 24 hours now I do miss it a lot. I dont know how long I will be able to stay away from Twitter, Ive actually built some relationships there that have extended into real life.

A couple of weeks ago when I went to the Medi Cal office I was given a check list of all the things I needed to supply them by March 20th.. ALL of which completed, then today I get a letter in the mail with an additional list of items I need to supply by April 2nd. This list includes letters from my Doctors ALL of which I have seen already this month so now I have to make more appointments to see them and have these forms filled out.. This shit isnt easy..

Im also really feeling lonely again.. Most people just dont understand. I have TONS of friends and people to keep me busy but my body actually aches at times to be close to someone. As I type these words Im in tears. Im a cuddler and someone that requires the human touch. I feel bad for the first guy I start to date because im sure the first time we cuddle Ill start to cry from happiness.

Im feeling so down again this week.. I dont wanna do anything.. I just wanna lay here and watch TV.

Another bad day

2010-03-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I thought that someone I "know" was secretly writing a blog that I consider to be hurtful and harmful to others. Read the story here.

Well I asked this person directly if it was him, I also sent an email to Cory letting him know of my thought on it being this person. Cory has been included in this persons blog, anyway Cory doesnt think it is him and the person I thought it was also convinced me it wasnt it. Diante also sent me a message saying that I was wrong. I was so convinced it was this person that I was in tears yesterday over it.

Cory sent me a couple nice emails yesterday and that should have made me feel better but I still had this dark cloud over me. I went on a walk with my friend Jeffrey but I was miserable the entire time. I got home and took a nap and then saw a client. Making a few bucks usually makes me feel better, but this time it didnt.

My day sorta got worse while I was on Facebook yesterday I saw that my BFF and Cory were new friends, they had been Facebook friends when we were dating and during the fallout Cory removed her..I understand that, thats natural.
Cory told me yesterday he knows that someday we will be friends again, but hes been giving me space to work on me. I follow his blog and we have many mutual friends in common so I know enough of what he is up to (hes been dating someone) that doesnt bother me at all, (although I wish I was dating someone life is so tough going through all of this with out some hugs and cuddling.) But last night the BFF told me what she and Cory had briefly chatted about, it was all pretty general until the part when he told her that he spent Sunday on the couch with his boyfriend. OK I already knew that he had a boyfriend but why did he tell her??? AWKWARD!!! She said she felt a little uncomfortable, and I can understand why.. This is MY best friend!!! One moment he tells me hes giving me space the next hes sending a friend request to MY best friend tellin her whats goin on in his life. Part of me is a little jealous that he and I aren't to that point yet. But Im just not ready.. Now Cheri is upset because she thinks SHE did something wrong by accepting the friend request and chatting with him, but in all honesty I feel Cory slightly crossed the line there. He put her in an awkward position and now people are feeling bad because of a few words he said. I dont feel he did anything to intentionally hurt me but I AM hurting a little bit over this. Now I feel like the progress that was made yesterday from his emails have been canceled out.

Thank God I have therapy and I see my Dr today because right now I feel like crawling back into bed and staying there the rest of the week.

Diante's Inferno ?

2010-03-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

This is probably the least eloquent blog post I have ever written, its all over the place and wont make sense to most of you.

Ive been following someones blog lately after seeing him comment on the blog of someone I used to date, and on my blog as well. When I first read his blog I was a little freaked out because he speaks of getting even and how he is so angry... He hasnt "gone after" me in his blog. The comments he has made on my blog were in support of me but still freaked me out a bit.

After reading his blog some of the things he was saying seemed VERY familiar, so familiar that I believed they were things that I had once said myself about one person in particular. Well heres a link to his blog, Diante it wont make sense to many of you and Im not going to point out the things I am talking about, because I dont want to give any validation to these statements he is making.

Now here is this point of this blog post.. After reading his blog today I think I have figured out who Diante is. I used to have a big crush on this guy. He was very supportive of me when I was going through a rough patch. We only talked on the phone once, most of our interaction was on Facebook. There so much in his blog that doesnt make sense, like the prescription drug use and the heavy drinking, but when I think about it it could make sense because this person is a pharmaceutical company sales rep and I dont really know him at all.

Once i thought I figured it out, I went back and re-read his blog and I see so many similarities in what he has said directly to me in the past and words and phrases he uses in his blog.

I really want to be wrong about this for many reasons. First and foremost I dont want to think that he is in this much pain, I dont want to think that all the support he gave me was fake or out of spite of someone else, and I dont want to believe he would be so vindictive.

Im a little torn up about this right now.. He just posted something on my FB wall the other day asking me how I was doing..

Diante..Please tell me I am wrong about this..

The luck of the Irish?

2010-03-17T07:14:00.000-07:00

Well I aint Irish, but my luck seems to be changing..

Yesterday I found out I do qualify for some of the Government aid I applied for last week. This morning I put a pic of my Craftsman tool chest on Facebook, and it was sold within minutes.. I really hated to part with it, I LOVED it so much and I sold it pretty darn cheap but I really needed the money.

I havent really done anything differently the past few days, my attitude has been a little better simply based on some good stuff happening. A date this past Sunday, cute guys flirting and giving me their number at Urban Mo's and at the Hole, not that I base my happiness on other guys but come on ya know you feel good when hotties flirt with you. The help from Uncle Sam, and selling the tool chest, I hope I can keep this "roll" going.. Right now Im off to some Drs appointments that should help me with these Government "benefits" and tomorrow I have to complete an orientation for my help from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Friday or Saturday Ill get a haircut and maybe some new shoes for all the walking Im doing and maybe a couple T-shirts. Ill feel like a new person!! I guess my theme song of this week comes from Patti La Belle!!

Wish me luck for the rest of my week to go as well as it has so far!!

This and that

2010-03-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was all in all a pretty good day, I went for a long walk in Balboa Park with my friend Jeffrey, we went to many areas of the park I never knew existed. I really do live in a beautiful city that I dont appreciate enough.

As usual Jeffrey and I chat about all sorts of stuff, but the first topic of conversation was of course Sunday night and how I reacted to Cory talking to me. If ya dont know what I am talking about read my blog from Sunday night HERE As I said, maybe Im not 100% ready to be "friends" yet OR maybe it just totally caught me off guard, I mean we havent talked in a long time and there has been some bitterness there so the fact that out of the blue he talks to me may have just been too "weird" for me. Time will tell, theres no time limitation or deadline on us being nice to each other, and it had to start somewhere. The balls in my court and next time I See him well see how it goes.

I dont know if its allergies from being in the park yesterday or if Im really just sick, but my nose is all stuffed up and running at the same time, my throat was sore this AM and I have a bit of congestion when I cough. Its terrible timing because today I am supposed to meet my new therapist, one of my Facebook friends said its probably just in my head because starting all over with a new therapist is NOT my idea of fun. I was just starting to make progress with the last one. Things have been so difficult for me since October, theres days that I wonder if I made the right choice by closing my salon and theres days I wish i would have made it over the other side of that bridge fence. Nothing is clear to me should I turn right or left? Leave the house or stay in for a couple of days. Was I always like this and just didnt see it because I was always so busy? Now that Im idle am I dwelling on everything? See there I go again.. No clear answers.

I was telling Jeffrey yesterday that I read the blog of someone that does this 5 for and 5 against thing. He does it a lot with movies where he will say 5 things negative about it and 5 positive. Im gonna try and start doing that with situations or experiences. I easily find the 5 bad things they just come to me naturally these days, I need to TRY and find the positive things. I wish they came to me first but they dont. I hate that about myself and I dont know where it comes from. Oh well

So I read these words on Cory's blog recently, normally when he quotes dead people I just roll my eyes. But these words really caught my attention. WOW I think Im making progress.. I dont want to say what I mean by that, some of you may understand..

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. - Helen Keller

Right now sailing to an uncharted land, seems too big for me, Id be happy just being able to get through a day without having a panic attack.

Havent met you yet

2010-03-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
And in love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh!

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

(I said love, love, love, love...)
I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet.

My weekend/ Sunday (mostly) Funday

2010-03-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

well fuck.... I should be writing about the entire weekend but Im goin directly to Sunday. It started out as a great day, I had a "date" with this cute guy I originally met back in July. weve seen each other one other time since then in January. Friday he called me and asked me if I wanted to go to church with him on Sunday. I was eager to see him again, but mostly eager to spend some time with someone other than just a "friend" Church was great, we went to Mission Gathering Christian Church in North Park. He had to work right after church so we didnt get to spend a whole lot of time together. After church I took my good friend Sister Iona Dubble-Wyde to Babycakes for his Birthday, after that we met a few friends at Baja Bettys for a drink.. Well that turned into Cheri meeting us and going to Urban Mos then the Hole... I guess Im fast forwarding through all the fun stuff that happened just to get to the part that upset me.. Here it is

I was havin a great time at the Hole despite the shirt I was wearing.. Guys were flirting with me, and this incredibly hot man that I met 10-12 years ago was talking and flirting with me and gave me his number again.. I guess everything went downhill when I started walking towards my friends and saw Cory standing and talking with them.. there was no anger or hurt there, just a little frustration because he and I arent on speaking terms. One of our last communications with each other he had said I didnt give him the space or distance he needed, so I obviously wasnt going to go interrupt the interaction he was having with my friends I came there with. So I kind of stepped back and stood off to the side, Thats when 2 of my friends started motioning for me to come over to them.. I resisted and they came over to me.. Blah Blah Blah.. Jeffrey told he He needed to tell me about a good conversation he had with Cory the night before.. FUCK I was stating to have an anxiety attack.. Cory walked over to some other friends and I proceeded to fall apart. I saw a friend across the bar that I wanted to say Hi to... BUT i didnt see that Cory was standing right behind him. OOOPS. Cory saw me and said something ??? I think he said Hi and asked how I was doing.. I said something to him.. I hope I was polite, I meant to be, Jesus Christ.. I didnt realize that I still had feelings for him til right then.. I fell apart after that.. We left shortly after that because I couldnt hold back the tears. This is the first time Im admitting this to anyone including myself. I guess Ive lashed out at him in the past because I was so hurt.. My past blog posts about his roommate have NOTHING to do with him... He and his roommate are two separate people and I dont hold Jakes actions against Cory in any way..I never have. Im a little embarrassed by admitting all of this, but I always am 100% honest in my feelings and thoughts in my blog. Im probably pushing Cory away a bit by saying all of this, but maybe I guess thats what I need right now. I thought I was ready to be friendly with him.. BUT maybe Im not.. FUCK more setbacks.. Every time I think Im taking a step forward im really taking 2 steps back.

When I post my status messages and tweets about how Im doing I really dont notice how sad or "down" I am....until I see people out and they are so concerned with how I am doing.. It feels nice that people are concerned but I hate that people feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me. I hope people treat me kindly because they like me, NOT because they feel sorry for me.

There are important steps I need to take if I want new relationships to last.

2010-03-12T06:52:00.000-08:00

We need to learn from our mistakes.. The last person I dated changed his Facebook relationship status after just 3 weeks of dating,and OF COURSE i followed right along. I was so happy to be dating after 4-5 years of not having a date, I wanted the world to know about it. I get this daily affirmation thing emailed to me and I saw this one last night and just had to share it. Ive taken my relationship status off Facebook entirely, I know I talk alot about the guys I kiss, or meet in a bar etc etc But when I meet a guy Im certain Im dating I may just be quiet about it this time.

I need to allow a new relationship to grow in a healthy way by giving it the time it needs. When I go too fast in a relationship, necessary stages are overlooked, and I might find myself in a relationship destined to fail. When trees are planted and their roots aren't given enough time to grow deeply into the soil, they're sure to fall during a storm. When the roots are given time to grow slowly, strongly, and deeply, they will most likely weather any storm.

Relationships can be similar, because when they're taken too quickly, they're likely to fail at the first sign of difficulty. But if given the time to grow, they will withstand the winds of turmoil and crisis. If I meet someone I want to be with, I can care for our relationship by not going too fast. I will remind myself that a tree needs tender care and nurturing to grow and flourish, not fertilizers and chemicals that force it to grow faster.

Today I will take care of my new relationship by understanding what it takes to make it strong and lasting.

Copied from Time to Fly Free by Judith R. Smith

High Anxiety and thoughts of Bob

2010-03-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

For the past two days Ive been suffering from some MAJOR anxiety. I cant leave my house for very long otherwise I start freaking out. I dont have any reason to feel this way, I just feel so vulnerable when Im not at home. Yesterday I thought I was gonna jump out of my skin after being gone about 3 hours. My computer, Facebook, and Twitter are most definitely my security blankets. I can access all these and my email from my phone so theres no reason I should feel disconnected or scared or nervous im missing something.

Ive been thinking about someone else lately. Whenever we have seen each other out we look right through or past each other, and thats been bothering me. I know its whats best, we probably will never be "friends" I just wish we were friendly towards each other. Im not going to blame him for this, I know that I also have done things to create this situation between us. It does bother me how I reacted recently when I heard about his friends saying shit about me. I reacted when I shouldnt have. I keep giving these people power by reacting. Maybe if I didnt react they would stop trying to get a reaction out of me. Actions do speak louder than words. I reacted with my words to their actions. Kind of a vicious circle I desperately want out of.

Ive also been thinking about Bob a lot. Bob is the guy I knew that committed suicide after first shooting my friend Eric. We will NEVER know what happened between Eric and Bob. No matter what Bobs note said or what Eric may have said to friends about Bob in the past. There were TWO people in that relationship and only two people there the morning they died. As I have said before, the day I tried to kill myself I was triggered by emails from someone but when I walked out the doors towards that bridge I dont remember a thing. I blacked out, the only reason I know what happened is because I was text messaging Jonathan, a Twitter friend from North Carolina the entire time right up until I tried cutting myself and went to the hospital, later I was able to look back and read what I said. I was completely out of my mind. I hope people arent passing judgment on Bob, thats NOT anyone on this earths job to do. Sure I had some moments of anger, i think its natural. I dont know maybe because of MY experience I have a different point of view.
Ive seen how Bob's suicide has effected so many of Bob's friends and his family.
Its a great reminder to me of how things might be if something were to happen to me.

Doom & gloom

2010-03-10T07:57:00.000-08:00

Ive had SOOOOO many friends sending me supportive emails the past few days. Half of them encouraging me not to let what others say about me get me down, and the other half telling me I have the strength to get through this set back of my therapist dying this past weekend. Lots of people have sent me their therapist name and number. Its truly amazing (and encouraging) how many people are in therapy.

Life isnt good, I try to put on a brave face and act like Im happy, but the truth is I am miserable, Im lonely, I want and desperately need a job, I let little things and little peoples actions effect me greatly. I never used to be like that.. I dont know what wore me down so greatly that Im so weak now, I guess part of me still doesnt care what people think of me otherwise I wouldnt put myself out there like I do in my blog. I need a distraction, one that pays me. A lot of my stress is from not having any money, wondering how Im gonna pay the bills. Its putting a huge amount of stress on my mother as well. Today I have to go apply for Medi-cal, I never thought I would be so broke that I need Government assistance. Maybe I should have a garage sale and start selling everything I dont NEED. Its funny how much you have that you dont really need when it comes down to it. I went from a life of spending money pretty much whenever I wanted to not having ANY money at all. I used to eat breakfast at the Cafe on the corner 3-5 times a week to now eating oatmeal for breakfast. Its been a very difficult change in my life

Im ready to snap again I can just feel it coming. If I dont feel better by Friday, Im afraid I may have to go back in the Hospital. For my own good

A little bit about HOW I am right now

2010-03-08T13:12:00.001-08:00

So obviously I was a little annoyed this weekend and this morning due to the actions of some people that I dont even call friends. Im aware I shouldnt let them bother me but they do, sadly these people that are sayin shit about me to other friends or making remarks on Twitter are the same two people that I have had issues with in the past, one of them I had completely forgotten about until someone sent me a couple of his tweets this morning. Their actions continue to make them look foolish and for whatever reason continue to make me feel badly. They are both friends of someone I used to date. Funny enough I dont hate this guy anymore, Ive moved past all of that recently. The other night I reacted and sent a tweet out that I now wish I hadnt, and I am sorry I did it.

I truly feel that he (Cory) is sympathetic to my situation, Ive had some tough times emotionally in the last few months and he is well aware of all of that I have been through. I tried to kill myself a few months ago, MAYBE JUST MAYBE Im still struggling with how to cope in certain situations, and I truly believe Cory has gone out of his way not to do anything to upset me. Recently he had written about some emotional stuff he went through and it finally all clicked for me. Seeing him say he is vulnerable like everyone else helped me to realize that Im not the only one thats got issues. So i guess it really surprises me that his own roommate and another friend cant see what he sees, or that they continue to act in a manner that could "hurt" him. People WILL judge you by the company you keep.. Again his friends arent acting in HIS best interest when they talk to MY friends about me or post snide comments on Twitter.

I say how I feel and put it out there for everyone to know, Ive been better about not calling people out by their entire name, I even deleted some comments someone wrote about Jake because they used his last name, even though Jakes life is pretty out there for everyone to see anyway, His Facebook profile is ONCE AGAIN public and you can read see every comment and see every picture he posts. Chadd hides behind Twitter for some reason. Neither one of them has the balls or the decency to say how they feel to me or leave me a comment on my blog, etc etc. I think some people are fooled into thinking that if they dont say things publicly it makes them the bigger person. Well when youre talking shit about someone it doesnt matter HOW you do it.. it just matter who hears it or sees it. Kinda dumb to say it to mutual friends of mine dont ya think? But really guys weve been down this road already. Dont you see what it does to Cory? It causes him aggravation and if you are really his friend why would you want that for him. Im struggling with depression and some other issues so if I act in a way that you think isnt right or up to YOUR standards, just realize that I AM in therapy and I AM working on myself. Whats your excuse?

Kind words from a RT and Facebook friend

2010-03-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

A friend left me this comment on Facebook just now. First is my status then his comment

All these months later some people are still talking shit about me to MY friends behind my back. I put my feelings out there for everyone to see via my blog.. Grow some balls and talk to me about your issues, be up front and out there with your feelings about me or STFU!!

From SW

Cheer up, KID. I know it's hard, but you really need to get on with YOUR life. Know what YOU like, what YOU want to accomplish and who's important in YOUR life. As was said in Alice in Wonderland, "I can't help you if YOU don't know who YOU are. Stupid, girl." But just know that if some people are so immature and petty that the only way to feel good about them selves is to talk badly of others they have NOTHING going on right now to feel good about. If they REALLY had lives they would be living them and not spending time being concerned with others. Haters will keep on hating, the world keeps on spinning. Go do what I do from time to time, get out of the shallow, superficial fish bowl that is North-Uni-Crest.

Im pretty, but other peoples drama isnt

2010-03-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

Where do I start?

Friday night I went to a party at a new friends house, he has a party the first Friday of every month. Theres always lots of fun and friendly guys there, this month there was this REALLY cute REALLY tall guy there. I have a weakness for tall guys (and cute ones) Thanks to Jeffrey I got up the nerve to talk to him, we chatted for a bit but since he is new to town everybody at the party was tryin to get a piece of him. Well it was time to go so I went to give him a hug goodbye and I dont know what came over me but I kissed him on the lips, as I pulled back he said what just one kiss? so i went back for more, this time it was a wet one. I was walkin out of that party with my head in the clouds.

Jeffrey and I decided to have a little Pre Bear Night party at his place. So I invited Joe (cute tall boy) he showed up and I played it cool, I let him have his space before I pounced on him. I did my good old trusty "lets take a picture together" move so I could cop a feel. Soon after we all left to head over to the bar, he promised me a dance and I was gonna cash in for sure. My friend and I were on the dance floor and who did I bump into? Yep cute tall boy.. we danced and somehow ended up kissing out on the dance floor... WOW i havent done that since well I dunno when the last time was but its been a while. We bumped into each other again and somehow ended up kissing some more. Hes a REALLY good kisser. We got seperated at the bar so he sent me a text saying he couldnt find me and was leaving.. HOW SWEET IS THAT? There was lots of other stuff and conversations that happened between dancing and kissing. Im not gonna go on and on about him because I just met the guy and I dont even know him. I hope I get the opportunity to get to know him better.

OK now for the not so fun stuff #1, as you may remember the last guy I dated has a new roommate that is someone I dont think very highly of, if you dont remember you can read about him HERE and HERE. Obviously you can see that I am someone that puts everything out there for people to see, I dont hide much, you'll always know where you stand with me. I also believe that every action results in a reaction. This time the action was made by Jake and the reaction is me blogging about it. Jake and I have a mutual friend in real life and on Facebook, This friend has been asking me to go to Kickers for awhile, since I know that is a place Jake frequents I didnt want to go there. Rather than drag the friend into the drama between me and Jake, I just kept "blowing the friend off" Well last night I decided to vaguely tell the friend why I wasnt wanting to go to Kickers. He told me he already figured it out because he got a nasty email about me from Jake. He said it was completely out of the blue and there was nothing that he was aware of that instigated it. We didnt talk too much about it because my friend said he had already figured out Jake was immature based on something else he had done, so after he read the email he didnt even respond he just deleted it. I dont think I need to go on about this too much. Jakes actions once again continue to prove me right. The ex has told people (recently) Jake is 28 going on 21 going on 14.. I couldnt have said it better myself.

Not so fun stuff #2
I have.. or I should say HAD this Facebook friend named Randy B. hes a DJ and what else I dont know, weve only met once, Ive actually talked with his Mother longer than Ive talked with him.. Long weird story there.. ANYWAY last night I posted on Facebook pictures of cute tall boy, well Im guessing Randy saw them because in one of his (self admitted) drunk FB comments he said to another friend "remember we dont associate with XXX XXXXX" (cute tall boy) WOW my comment to that was "wow ummmm wow its such a small world :-("
This morning I woke to an email from Randy saying "im disassociating with anyone who thinks being friends with XXX XXXXX (cute tall boy) is a good idea."
and Randy deleted me as a FB friend. he sent me that email at 4:15 in the morning so I dont really put too much thought or concern into email that was writen in a drunken rant. Should it be a red flag? I dont know, I think the way Randy handled that was very immature and speaks volumes about the situation. I have no reason not to trust the cute tall boy, so Im moving forward in my desire to get to know him. End of story.

UPDATE! Randy just emailed me and Im gonna say he handled this situation much better this morning, he didnt tell me why he doesnt like cute tall boy, he just said it was better for him that there was no connection right now. I have a little more respect for Randy now. Glad thats the case I was a little bummed about it this morning.

Fooling myself

2010-03-03T07:23:00.000-08:00

So for the first time in a couple of months I woke up with that gloomy feeling. Therapy kind of sucked yesterday, and it made me realize I still have some stuff to work on. I really need to get a job but I dont quite have the self confidence yet to try and face a bunch of rejection. I thought I was doing pretty good, I thought my afternoon walks, therapy, the anti-depressants all together were really helping me, but i think whats been happening is Ive been feeling better because Ive actually been ignoring what I should be working on.

Ive never been afraid of challenges like starting my own business, running for elected positions to organizations, boards committees, etc., etc. So whats my problem now?
Closing my business after 8 years, and a failed "relationship" within a week of each other is probably what started it all. Even though i didnt fail at my business it was the economy that failed me. The relationship was never gonna work, because I allowed him to be critical of me from the beginning. I recently re-read all the e-mail he had sent me during the relationship and he was always bitching about something AFTER the fact, hence never giving me an opportunity to discuss it or defend myself, he would just (as he put it) say his peace and move on, therefore making me live with what he stated as fact. I didnt think that was fair but I also didnt realize how much damage he did to my self esteem.

I really need to get a job, being broke is also very depressing. I need a haircut, I need new tennis shoes, I need jeans, and some t-shirts. You all probably think that Im always spending money eating out, going to Baja Bettys, etc. but the truth is lately my friends will "cover me" and/or we go to eat at a place thats only 5 bucks for lunch and Baja Bettys happy hour for $3 appetizers. If I spent what little money I get on clothes or a haircut I wouldnt have money to leave the house and none of those things would matter anyway. I think its more important to get out of the house and be social than to sit home and be lonely. I try to do free stuff too like at the Center. I want to go volunteer at the Center but I need to go get a background check that costs $10.. The Center will reimburse me for that fee but that still $10 less in my pocket for a while.

Oh well I feel stuck, the Dr mentioned going on disability but then the case worker said I was doing TOO well now to qualify. I guess I had her fooled as well as Ive been fooling myself.

The best day in a long time

2010-02-26T20:28:00.000-08:00

So today started out like any other day..
Woke up, had my coffee then Facebooked for awhile.

Then Jeffrey called to see if I wanted to go on a walk.. During the walk we saw Jerry and waved to him. Our walk of course led us to Baja Bettys.. We settled into our stools and the handsome Russell walked in, wow not only is he sexy as hell but hes super sweet too, so down to earth and real.. Im tellin you if that man weren't already attached Id be chasing him big time. Soon Cheri joined us then Noah, then Heidi.. We chatted with Courtney for awhile, Keven J, and Dave O were there happy and smiling.. I got a post on my Facebook wall from David C that made me smile. The two hotties next to us were familiar from days gone by as well. I was havin the time of my life.. Surrounded by all the people I know and love I couldn't help but to smile HUGE.

It doesnt end there, I had to hightail it to dinner at Zios with Frank and Eric and we had so much fun chatting about people and that TV show Spartacus and doing some funky math with Darren.. 365 x 20 years does NOT equal 5 digits bitches!!

I thought about goin out for a little bit with Frank, but I had a full day and I also need to know when to stop so the fun doesn't end.. Does that make sense?

It was really a good day... and the best part was just being surrounded by people I love.

Thanks everyone!!

Kurt

Good times

2010-02-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

On Monday I got the courage to apply for a job online. I dont know that Im 100% qualified for the job, but applying for it gave me a little hope and thats a HUGE thing for me lately. Ive had such feelings of hopelessness these past few months. I think this particular situation was a good building block for me because I truly dont expect to get the job but just having the confidence to even apply for it is a big step. Ive really been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life or at least what the next career chapter will be..

Last night I got a random text from a friend asking if I had emailed Cory (last guy I dated) It was so weird.. I replied NO I havent had any communication with him in a while.. I guess we both "tweeted" something vague or cryptic within a few minutes of each other leading our friend to think we were talking. I dont know if that that will ever happen. IDK why Im writing about it, I guess just cuz it was a weird thing that happened.

I just got back from going to Erics House, (my friend that recently died.) It gets easier each time so that leads me to believe that I'll be able to handle going to his Celebration of Life. Im not one to do funerals or memorials, but I think Im gonna go to this one.

The last 2 days Ive been taking walks during the day, yesterday was a long one, today not so long, but I think they are doin me some good, I feel it in my legs and my ass so if thats the only thing that i get out of it, Im all for it!

Well its time to head out to lunch with a couple friends.. signing off for now

That time of the month

2010-02-19T18:04:00.000-08:00

For the 5th month in a row my depression is starting to kick in at the same time it has each preceding month.

In November I went into the hospital on the 23rd, December I went back into the hospital on the 19th. In January my mood dropped around the 20th but I held it together because my Mothers birthday was coming up on the 23rd and since I was in the hospital ON Thanksgiving and just before Christmas i wanted to tough it out so she would have a nice birthday.

I noticed the other day (the 18th) that my mood was starting to dip again. Ive had some good sessions with my therapist but Im afraid Im a long way off from feelin great again.

I didnt really realize how much my self esteem was affected by someone. He was always pretty critical of me, mostly after we dated but looking back now there were lots of times he pointed out things he didnt like or stuff that bothered him even while we were dating. I was never the instigator when we were dating. When I started to "retaliate" or point out his short comings there was never any agreement or apologies from him, just him pointing out more stuff that was wrong with me. Recently he has started blogging about stuff that should make me feel better, him talking about being diagnosed as bi-polar (which he thinks was a misdiagnosis) how he thinks he is a bitter person, recently he said how he has resentment towards his old roommate because she took advantage of him. The roommate situation sticks out to me because it is something we argued about. He was SO defensive and almost hostile about me bringing it up. Was he being defensive because I was right? Or was he just in denial? Either way why would you get angry about it? why tell someone they are wrong and continue to fight back by pointing out my faults? Like I said I should be feeling better after reading all of this, I should feel vindicated, but all I feel is anger real anger towards him for belittling me and making me feel like the bad guy all the time. Im also worried that hes about to snap. Back when we first met he told me he budgeted $100.00 per WEEK for weekend fun.. Cabs, beer, gas etc. If he would just stay home ONE weekend a month he could afford to see a therapist each month, but God forbid someone tell him whats wrong with him.
All these months later I cant believe the anger I still have towards him. The sad thing is he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong.. Today his blog talks about the issues and anger he has had this past YEAR.. Thanks for tryin to date me while you were in step #3 bargaining and angry!! YOU WILL NEVER FIND PEACE UNTIL YOU FIND ALL THE PIECES.

Dont get me wrong there were lots of good times too, but the criticism really stuck with me. I am someone that takes things to heart, if you tell me im broken I have no reason not to believe you, I do consider this to be a fault. So am I angry at him for making me feel so bad? or angry at myself for allowing it to happen?

Today is the funeral for Bob (see here) back in Ohio. Next Sunday is the Celebration of Life for Eric I havent decided if Im going to be able to attend or not, typically I dont go to memorial services because I get too emotional. The other night at Baja Bettys some of Eric's co workers gathered to remember Eric and I kept looking back in the room they were in and wanting so badly to go back there. So who knows maybe I'll go next Sunday.

I met with one of my Doctors last week about going on disability because of my depression and how its effecting my health, he said i seem to be doing much better and its unlikely that Id be approved. I guess low self esteem doesnt qualify me for disability. I cant seem to muster up the confidence to try and find a job, maybe Im just afraid of more rejection?

I guess its time to wrap this one up.. The words arent flowing anymore..

Daily moods

2010-02-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

Im not gonna do this daily mood thing on my blog, its dull and boring and the past couple of days somewhat depressing, im gonna attempt do this in a notebook or on a chart that a friend told me she uses. My mood is starting to crash really fast and Im not sure why. Im gonna head to my moms house for a few days to see if I can ride it out.

Something new

2010-02-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

Im doing something new on my blog now, something my therapist wants me to sort of track for him on a daily basis. Its gonna be very boring to many of you. Ill be writing a paragraph each morning to talk about my sleep the night before and also give the previous day a mood rating from 1-10.

Last night I feel asleep pretty early due to the fact that I didnt sleep well the previous night, I woke up again at 3:30am but I was able to fall back to sleep and stay in bed til 8:30AM thats a lot more sleep than I generally get but I was makin up for a couple bad nights this week already. I had a couple things happen to bring me down a little, one of which I dreamed of so I think its gonna bug me for awhile unless i handle this situation with a friend. Id have to rate my day at a 5

Bittersweet feelings

2010-02-15T15:30:00.001-08:00

So I still read the blog of someone I was once close to.. Friends have told me I shouldnt, but I do. I think because I find some of the stuff he posts to be funny and partially because Im still looking for answers as to why things went so badly between us. As I have stated before I am friends/friendly with every guy I have ever dated until now. I still have struggles wondering was it entirely me? He would never apologize for anything so that always led me to believe maybe I was the one that was always wrong.

However reading his blog has really helped me to realize that I wasnt THE bad guy, it was probably equally both of our faults. However in his blog today he went on about what a bitter person he is, how he doesnt put energy into things because "whats the point" and how he wouldnt even date himself right now. I dont feel good that he feels this way about himself but it sure has helped me to feel better about how I handled myself. Im finally getting the answers to questions Ive had.. Im not a bad person, Im not THAT difficult to get along with. The day he and I broke up was all about how I hold a grudge how I wont let anything go, essentially it was all about what a bad person I was,(in my mind anyway) and that feeling never left me, its what triggered me to want to hurt myself one day, and has been difficult letting that go.

I complained about how he never would let anyone get close, how he didnt open himself up to anyone. A recent blog post of his he said something to the effect of not being really close to someone he has known for like 17 years and even lived with this person 2 different times. That helped me realize that him not opening up to me had NOTHING to do with me. One of our email conversations/arguments he told me that he knew there was something not right about me in the very beginning so he didnt allow himself to get close.. Well I call BULLSHIT on that one. It had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him. I never understand people that lie to try and make a point.

I will continue to read his blog, because im finally getting the answers and starting to feel better about myself. I dont like the fact that he is so down on himself now, but I also have to say what comes around goes around and if youre lying and denying that your actions have caused someone pain that pain is gonna come right back to you at some point.

A little disgusted

2010-02-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

So you may remember me blogging about a friend that recently died.. If not see here ERIC & BOB Recently Ive noticed a lot of different people suddenly coming out of the woodwork trying to get close to these people.. Mostly I have noticed this with one of them more than the other.. I shouldnt even be writing about this but I have had it with one particular person.. Someone I was once close with has a new roommate that claims he was dating someone that he CLEARLY was not dating. But I have now heard this from 2 different people that heard it directly from him. They werent even friends on Facebook until January 28th or 29th so the chances they were DATING are pretty slim. By him saying this, he is insulting and hurting people that truly were close to this person. I really want to go on, but i think I better stop. This punk ass bitch isnt worth writing about anymore.. He has caused me too much grief in the past and his actions continue to prove me right.. He seems to latch on to any "hot topic" that is relevant regarding the military, friends, or anything else where he can get some attention.. OK im done.. off my soapbox now..

Celebration of Life for Eric

2010-02-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

"CELEBRATION OF LIFE" for Eric Schulthise has been confirmed. FEB 28th, 12-3pm @ the home of Marcelo Ruiz & Jasn Blare, 2105 West California St, SD CA 92110. Located in Mission Hills/Old Town, behind Thomas Jefferson Law School, cross street Bandini St

You can send Eric's father cards and expressions of bereavement, you can do so at the following address: Mr. Larry Schulthise 606 San Pedro Drive Chesapeake, VA 23322

Man Boobs defined

2010-02-11T14:43:00.001-08:00

Cant really say whats goin on now

2010-02-10T11:41:00.000-08:00

I havent blogged too much lately cuz a lot of the stuff goin on with me is too personal for me to talk about here. I got a lot of stuff weighing heavy on my mind though. The recent deaths of two people I know have added to my stress and sadness.

If you arent familiar with what I am talking about here is a link to the story about Eric & Bob. The emotions that Ive been feeling over this have run all over the place. Yesterday I was so mad at Bob for what he did I was beside myself, today im just sad again. Eric and I werent super close but we were building our friendship back up again and Im angry that opportunity was taken away.

I dont know what the point of this blog was gonna be.. I thought Id be able to get some stuff off my mind but its not flowing.

I saw one of my therapists this week and he thinks that I should consider going on disability because of my depression. This scares me a lot. I dont know that Im ready to be broke all the time and not be working at all.. SO many things to consider..

What makes a man a man

2010-02-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

You can change the paint and redo the landscaping, but it won't fix a flawed foundation.

I borrowed this from a FB friend yesterday. It seemed very fitting for me because Ive been really workin on me. BUT in the real sense, the way that really does change and effect ME the PERSON not me the outer shell. If anything Ive probably gained a few pounds due to the anti depressants and sitting around at home too much. Sometimes I get a little down because I cant go afford to go to the gym right now, but Im doin something more important workin on me from the inside out.

Every year so many people make that decision to go to a gym and lose some weight, believe me im all for any kind of self improvement you can make but whats the reason behind it? Health reasons? Great but most likely (for gay men anyway) its to make yourself more attractive and "sexy" Well ya wanna know whats sexy to me? someone that isnt afraid to admit he has issues, a guy that isnt afraid to share his weaknesses as well as his strengths. Someone that shows some emotion and admits he hurts like everyone else. If ya go through your adult life pretending nothing is wrong with you or never share your inner struggles with someone your trying to be close to than you are greatly flawed and thats a big turnoff to me.

This coming week Im going to start walking more, I enjoy it and i live in a great area to walk in plus it clears my mind and helps me focus on what I want to talk to about in my weekly therapy sessions. Well I guess thats all I have to say about this subject for now. I want to encourage everyone to TALK to someone, preferably a professional but if not talk to your friends.. talk to many people get different view points on things your going through, share experiences and feelings. Who knows they may learn something from you as well

Sad Day

2010-02-05T00:18:00.000-08:00

Early Friday afternoon a friend sent me a text message telling me of the death of someone I knew, but not very well. It still struck me as sad of course.

A few hours later I learned of the death of someone I called a friend, well we were friends and we parted ways for a couple of months but back in November we "connected" again and began to enjoy our re found friendship.

I met Eric via Gooster, and Im so sad about what has transpired between he and I because I feel like reaching out to Cory to tell him I share his pain and that I am sorry for his loss. But I cant.

Eric and I had plans to get together tomorrow, I was gonna trim his hair and have some lunch at Baja Betty's. Im sad that our friendship didnt have the chance to grow stronger, but I am glad we got past our differences before he left us.

To make things worse the person that apparently took Eric's life was also someone I knew, I didnt know Bob very well, but I did have the opportunity to have dinner with him and have some fun at Dave & Busters recently, Sadly Bob also took his own life.

Rest in Peace our "Dancing Bear" I will miss your hugs and that amazing smile you shared with all of us.

What can I say?

2010-02-01T07:23:00.000-08:00

I dont really have much to say here lately. Ive been feeling really good, hangin out with friends a lot, havin some clients here and there, so I have some spending money. I dont want my blog to just be somewhere that I complain and share my stresses, I want to share the good stuff with you too.

Saturday I hung out with a good friend Ive known for years, Dave Z. we went to Redwing to try one of their bacon wrapped hot dogs...it was OK, then we went to Pecs and had a couple drinks, all in all it was a good time hangin out with Dave, we always have a good time..usually talking shit about people and trashing them..all in good fun though. After that I went to The LGBT community center for an event with the San Diego Gay Rodeo, ran into a bunch of friends there and had a blast.

Yesterday I went to church with my friend Dan, and another Twitter friend Jack. That was nice, then Dan and I dropped Jack off (no pun intended as Dan said) picked up another of his friends Chris, and headed to the farmers market. We ran into these other friends of ours, Todd and Chris.. Chris mentioned how worried he was when I was depressed and how he is so happy to see me happy and smiling again. It is nice to hear people say that because I dont realize sometimes that I truly am doing much better these days and its nice to be reminded so I can appreciate it more. After that I came home did nothing, then went and did errands and stuff with my BFF Cheri and her Mom Heidi.. Heidi made me some cucumber salad that I LOVE so that was part of my dinner..

As you can see a full weekend that was fun yet just a regular weekend at the same time. I hope this didnt bore you too much. I just wanna share the good stuff too.

Well that was my weekend, how was yours?

Deserving Love

2010-01-28T17:55:00.001-08:00

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection. Buddha

Leave me alone

2010-01-27T19:02:00.000-08:00

Some people just cant let it go

The final word

2010-01-25T17:38:00.001-08:00

What is it about people that always NEED to have the final word? Im not too experienced with people like this so I really dont know what makes them tick. I may even be one of these people, but Im not sure. I guess it depends on the circumstance.

Input anyone?

Ed Cunningham, my Father

2010-01-25T09:18:00.000-08:00

I'm reposting this blog today, because this is the anniversary of my fathers death. Kinda of a weird day each year. This was originally posted on 9/22/09

My dad would have been 71 years old today, Mom and I were just talking, wondering what he may have looked like at 71. My niece & nephew were so young when he died they may not even have distinct memories of him? I know the rest of my family has fond memories of Dad, there are things that I do or say that remind me of my dad. I still wont get a tattoo because he always told me to never make the mistake he did. I wasnt even allowed to use the rub on tattoos from the cracker jack box. I wonder so often how my dad would have dealt with me being gay, would he handle it as well as Mom? Id probably have to go on some damn boring fishing trip and get him alone in a boat on a quiet lake to tell him, Im sure eventually he would be OK with it. His temper would make him react negatively at first but then he would come around. I wonder how different my life would have been if he hadnt died when I was 16 years old. This coming January will be the 25th anniversary of his death. It seems like yesterday and a life time ago all at the same time.

The Power of GOODBYE

2010-01-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

I just read this on a friends Facebook page,this is something that one of his ex boyfriends told him. I think its VERY fitting for the situation Ive been experiencing with someone lately.

Thanks to Scott for letting me borrow these words.

There are 6 billion people out there; don't waste your energy on people that purposefully bring you down." Thinking myself a loyalist, I neither heard nor heeded those words. He was right though. At some point, with some people, there... is power in "goodbye."

So with that I say Goodbye Gooster

I deserve better

2010-01-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

I was feelin so great, but im starting to crash again. I dont want do anything, but i dont want to do nothing either. Friends help me feel better and they annoy me too. I feel like im back in a no win situation if I do anything other than lay on the couch right now.

Ive had some bad interaction with someone lately that took me by surprise too. There are so very few people in the world that I dont get along with. Sure there are people that I dont like but im always "cordal" to them and treat them with some semblance of respect when interacting with them face to face or online or where ever. Im not used to people that just flat out treat me badly and blame me for it. In my search to try and figure out why this person does this to me ive become depressed again. My therapist says he is toxic for me, funny cuz this person told me I was toxic to him? ARRRGH how can someone that only tries to be nice to you be toxic? I think he was just saying that to be a dick. who knows? I dont know how to break away from this? Like I said I blame myself for trying too hard to be friends with this person. Things start out fine but then the emails start and it gets ugly again. Why do I want to be friends with this person so badly? Why would I want anything to do with someone that once told me he could never tell me how he felt about me when he was sober? Someone that told me he unfollowed me on twitter so I could vent but them each time I do he calls me out on it. Someone that will never apologize for ANYTHING he does or says even when he knows he is wrong the only time hes apologized is after almost forcing it out of him. I have sent heartfelt apologies to him for my behavior and things I have said and done wrong, but not getting any real apologies from him prevents me from moving on... Im still trying to right the wrongs (his wrongs) JESUS CHRIST whats wrong with me?

Im goin back to bed.

Cant get you out of my head

2010-01-21T19:07:00.001-08:00

Cant anybody find me

2010-01-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

I miss Freddy Mercury

Bitterness by Sanel Lekic

2010-01-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

Some more amazing words written by my friend Sanel. One of these days ill post his pic here to so you can see how beautiful he is on the outside as well as the inside.. The TOTAL package

It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it.

The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls.

Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve.

Protest San Diego Pride

2010-01-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

Contact: Kurt Francis phone: 858-229-9180 email: concernedcitizens4removal@gmail.com

Concerned members of LGBT community organize multiple protests during
Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference this weekend
Protest will highlight community’s demand for resignation of LGBT Pride Board of Directors

January 20, 2010 (SAN DIEGO) -- A group of concerned members of the San Diego lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community have organized two protests in response to recent unethical actions committed by the organization’s Board of Directors.

The first protest will be held on Friday, January 22 from 6:00-7:00 p.m. at the San Diego Pride office building at 3620 30th Street, San Diego CA 92104 during a welcome reception hosted by San Diego Pride for attendees of the annual Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference located.

The second protest will be held on Saturday, January 23 from 6:00 – 7:00 p.m. at The Chuck Jones Gallery at 232 5th Avenue, San Diego CA 92101, which will be the first of four locations in “A Taste Of San Diego” event, designed to entertain guests of the CAPI conference at various locations throughout the city.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Kurt Francis phone: 858-229-9180 email: concernedcitizens4removal@gmail.com

Concerned members of LGBT community organize multiple protests during
Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference this weekend
Protest will highlight community’s demand for resignation of LGBT Pride Board of Directors

January 20, 2010 (SAN DIEGO) -- A group of concerned members of the San Diego lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community have organized two protests in response to recent unethical actions committed by the organization’s Board of Directors.

The first protest will be held on Friday, January 22 from 6:00-7:00 p.m. at the San Diego Pride office building at 3620 30th Street, San Diego CA 92104 during a welcome reception hosted by San Diego Pride for attendees of the annual Consolidated Association of Pride (CAPI) conference located.

The second protest will be held on Saturday, January 23 from 6:00 – 7:00 p.m. at The Chuck Jones Gallery at 232 5th Avenue, San Diego CA 92101, which will be the first of four locations in “A Taste Of San Diego” event, designed to entertain guests of the CAPI conference at various locations throughout the city.

The group of citizens organizing the protests are demanding the resignations of three members of San Diego Pride’s Board after it was revealed that the Board voted to provide Board Chair Philip Princetta with a $5,000 stipend for his service, which is clearly in violation of the nonprofit organization’s bylaws. Pride’s Executive Director Ron deHarte was terminated on January 4, 2010 after making this transaction public. Two Pride staff members, Ken St. Pierre and Jeffrey Redondo, resigned the same day in protest of the board’s actions.

Dozens of LGBT community leaders, organizations, and countless volunteers and community members have demanded that this board resign and the terminated staff members be reinstated. A community town hall meeting was called for by former Pride board members on January 11 and over 200 community members gathered, unanimously calling upon the resignation of Princetta, and fellow board members Mike Karim and Carl Worrell.

The organizers of the protest hope to continue to pressure the sitting Board of Directors to do the right thing by resigning, making way for other community leaders to come on board. The protest has been planned to bring light to the board’s actions in front of their national Pride organization peers.

Stuff & Nonsense

2010-01-20T03:13:00.000-08:00

I had a great night tonight.. Went to Pecs and had SOOO many guys flirting with me I felt like I was back in the 90's. My day didnt start out so great, my ex decided to reply to an email i sent him yesterday. Of course it was negative and he reflected his hate back onto me. I could go on and on but basically it was started off with me posting a supportive comment on his blog that he deleted??? Here is what I posted "Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others allows you to forge meaningful relationships. There can be no true bond when two people have closed themselves off from one another. When you reveal yourself to another, however, any chasm that separates you is bridged by intimacy. This can be difficult at first, but it is emotionally fulfilling to relate to others in an intimate way. Revealing yourself to another person brings you closer together and your authentic connection gives you a common ground upon which to grow your relationship. Your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings today will help you find greater intimacy with others. This was in response to his blog that he was complaining about his friends flaking on him calling him confusing blah blah blah Maybe Im wrong? but he deleted the comments I made??? Ive tried to build a bridge, Ive tried to be friendly, by sending him texts at Christmas when I knew he was spending it alone and also on New Years Day too.. but he shuts me down at every turn.. Thats his prerogative of course, but its not what Im used to... I am friends with every man I have ever dated until now. I have tried and tried with him.. Most of his friends are cool with me. As recently as tonight one of his friends that he was hangin out with this past weekend gave me hugs and said how happy he was I was doing better. Why cant he be as "good" with me as his friends are? There have been a few friends of his that have deleted me from Facebook and Blocked me on Twitter.. Oddly enough none of my friends have done that to him.. I never thought of him as immature but I guess my good intuition was wrong for once. His desire to have the last word even extended into his last blog post stating how HE HAS CONTROL over the comments that are made on his blog.... As i type this i realize how ridiculous my blog is about this situation.. but not as ridiculous as stating "RULES" about the comments that are allowed on my blog... that of course is my opinion AND as he said, If that isn't something you agree with, please, feel free to unlink me and move along.

I dont know where Im going with this post... Ive been out drinking and having fun all night.. thats my excuse..

This is going to kill me

2010-01-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

Proof that arguing with some people is pointless. Those people that ALWAYS have to have the last word, are gonna kill me. He is NOT worth it at all

This is for you

2010-01-16T23:06:00.000-08:00

1.Drink plenty of water. 2. Eat b'fast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. 3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 4. Live with the 3 E's - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy. 5. Make time to pray. 6. Play more games. 7. Read more than you did in 09. 8. Sit in silence for 10 minutes each day. 9.Sleep 7 hours. 10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. While you walk, smile. 11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 12 Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 13. Don't over do. Keep your limits. 14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. 16. Dream more while you are awake. 17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 23. Smile and laugh more. 24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.... Society: 25. Call your family often. 26. Each day give something good to others. 27. Forgive everyone for everything. 28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. 29.. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 30. What other people think of you is none of your business. 31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. Life: 32. Do the right thing! 33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 34. GOD heals everything. 35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.. 36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.. 37. The best is yet to come. 38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it. 39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. Last but not the least: 40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.

Yeah Right!

2010-01-16T08:42:00.000-08:00

I say I doint want no Scrubs, but for those of you that really know me youll find this to be exactly opposite of what I usually go for. Like I tell my friend Sister Iona.. I want a guy that looks like he'll steal my DVD player after sex.

I recently started "talking to" this boy that is sweet as pie and SOOOOO cute, he doesnt leave real close to here so well see what happens. It does feel good to know there are still good guys out there interested in me.

41 years old and still havin a good time

2010-01-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

The Birthday started out great, I was stayin at Moms house for a couple days so I woke up and had Breakfast Birthday Cake

Then I took a nice bath in the jacuzzi tub

Soon after I arrived home from moms I hightailed it over to Baja Bettys for some Birthday cocktails! here I am with Mi Amigo Paco

Then my Best Girl and Heidimomma showed up, then the fun REALLY started, silly hats, penis balloons and more drinks!

After Baja Bettys we went to Babycakes for a cupcake and coffee.. I went home for about an hour then headed out to Urban Mos to meet up with a friend I dont get to see to often, Kirk is workin 2 jobs right now and workin out at the gym and workin it in general.. He ate dinner while I had a couple black lemonades... Those things really kick my ass!! We chatted about "stuff" a short time. I really like Kirk, he is one of the sweetest guys Ive had the pleasure of getting to know.. Hes a busy guy but I hope I get to hang out with him again soon!

SO THEN.. I headed out to Pecs....OMG I dont even know what happened then, oh wait yes I do, I ran into some Facebook friends. Christopher V. and I chatted for a while.
as I was standing there talking to Christopher I heard the guy behind me introduce himself and i recognized his name as a facebook friend ive never met before Chris C. Hes got some killer tattoos and y'all know how much I love tattoos! WOOF
Chris C. was talking to this other guy that was also sporting some nice ink.. and he was HOT, I dont remember his name but if anyone knows this hot bearded daddy...HOOK ME UP!!

Creating common ground by Sanel Lekic

2010-01-13T08:23:00.000-08:00

Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others allows you to forge meaningful relationships. There can be no true bond when two people have closed themselves off from one another. When you reveal yourself to another, however, any chasm that separates you is bridged by intimacy. This can be difficult at first, but it is emotionally fulfilling to relate to others in an intimate way. Revealing yourself to another person brings you closer together and your authentic connection gives you a common ground upon which to grow your relationship. Your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings today will help you find greater intimacy with others.

Twitter, Validation, Turning 41

2010-01-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

Ive been sick for a while with a cold or sinus infection or something.. So ive been spending a lot of time on Twitter. I'm "meeting" some really interesting people on there. Some sexy mo-fos and some sweethearts that ive even emailed and one guy even called me and left me a message ( i kept it and listen to it occasionally) LOL

The other day on Twitter a strange thing happened, I was chatting with this guy and when I looked at his time line I saw that he was also talking with the ex at the same time. Now only being able to see one side of the conversation I could tell they were talking about me. As usual the ex was being his hidden secretive self and asking the guy to DM him (private message) I sent the ex a text and told him to quit talking shit about me, he replied being defensive. In the past he just ignored my text messages when Im trying to be nice or friendly, answering this one tells me he likes the drama. He said he wasnt talking shit blah blah blah. But my question is why even bring up my name? huh? WHY? Maybe you werent talking shit but why was I even brought up? The guy that we were chatting with also told me that it was the ex that brought my name up first and he thought it was odd that he would do so? I got angry for awhile because Ive been doin really good and I dont need any setbacks. I know I allow it to happen but im workin on that. Im feeling a lot stronger and validated when I see that some of the friends of his of which I spoke (the flaky one) has started blocking other friends for no valid reason and is back to his old ways of being flaky to his supposed best friend. Its just validation for my feelings and thoughts I made months ago about this person.

Im gonna be 41 in a couple of days, Im feelin weird about that for some reason. Im not really feeling "old" but 41 means i am IN my 40s not just 40 anymore.. dumb I know. I think my feelings of sadness about turning 40 are because im still alone..
SIGH, so far this year hasn't turned out to be too great, ive been sick most of the time. I really wanted to go somewhere out of town for my birthday, like San Francisco or Vegas or somewhere fun, I havent been out of town for a LONG time. I need to get out of San Diego soon,...

LASTLY does anyone know what "THAT" is of which Meatloaf speaks? I cant think of anything I wouldnt do for love.

Attention all drag queens!! Man your battle stations!!

2010-01-06T12:48:00.001-08:00

I just got off the phone with someone directly involved in this mess, his confidence and clarity in this is inspiring to me. If you arent familar with whats going on read it here Pride Mess or here More of a mess than we thought then read of the arrogant reply from SD Pride Board of Directors

This isnt the first time I have been down on an organization in San Diego, there was a time when The Center was a mess, and now its a thriving organization that serves the entire community. I have faith that the existing board of directors of San Diego Pride will do the right thing so that this town hall meeting on Sunday doesn't turn into a witch hunt or "barn burning" Do the right thing!! Your actions have already cost this community two talented and wonderfully dedicated individuals. Jeffrey Redondo and Ken St. Pierre have handled themselves 100 times better than the BOD of SD Pride.

I have so many more thoughts about this situation, but im trying not to get myself too worked up over it. I will attend the meeting on Sunday and hopefully voice my opinion. SD Pride belongs to this community, and it needs to directed by people that CARE about the entire community.

Henry Cavill Naked!

2010-01-06T12:07:00.000-08:00

This is worthy of its own blog post, I think it speaks for itself.

Henry Cavill Tudors Naked Scene - Click here for more blooper videos

...and a HAPPY new year

2009-12-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

I dont know bout y'all, but Im ready for this!! 2009 was the worst year of my life.
Im not gonna sit here and dwell on everything or try to justify why I felt the way I did. If you follow my blog, you know why it was the worst year.. OK just in case you dont know. I owned my own skin care salon for 8 years called Skin Deep, well business was bad since the end of 2008 and finally at the end of 2009 I had to close, it was pretty devastating to me, also at the same exact time the only relationship Ive had in 4 years was falling apart. He and I were two completely different people, today i find out he realizes hes been bitter and jaded for the last 2 years.... We were doomed from the beginning, but I was so happy to finally be dating someone I didnt see the warning signs. Now I realize he never was the one for me.

I dont believe in resolutions because it seems that the exact opposite of what we want to happen actually happens. With that said I do have at least one behavior I would like to change.. Expectations, I have such high expectations for people, situations, places, everything. I am a perfectionist and its hard for me to understand why everyone doesn't work as hard as I do at making something "right" as many of you know that usually only leads to disappointment. Im tired of always being disappointed in people and things.. SO I no longer will have expectations of people, places or things. Im gonna be one of those go with the flow type of guys.

One of my wishes for the new year is already coming true.. If you saw my last post you'll be happy to know I was offered a (non paying) job doing makeup for a fashion segment on KUSI this Saturday.. ASK and ye shall receive. YEE HAW BITCHES

One of the living

2009-12-30T07:21:00.000-08:00

Well I think I'm finally back to "normal" and ready to start participating in life again. Yesterday I was watching TV and saw some BAD makeup jobs on people that were on the View.. I thought to myself how in the hell is a makeup artist getting paid to to this? I am a VERY talented makeup artist, I have worked on TV shows, print media, music videos, celebrity clientele, etc. After seeing these sub par makeup jobs I think I'm going to pursue my true passion again. YEP I still have it in me, its the reason I got into the beauty industry, i just got sidetracked by tryin to make a living then thinking I wanted to own my own business for 8 years. Sadly all of my makeup and brushes were stolen by some some drag queen in San Diego that has since moved to another state, so ill be starting from scratch. Ill probably have to get a job doing something I don't love for a while until I get myself established.

It was great to get that feeling yesterday, to feel that I can still be passionate about something that I love. It gives me hope that I will have passion for other things, or even someday that special someone. For now I'm content with where I am at.. One of the living

All cried out

2009-12-29T10:55:00.000-08:00

SET THIS PLACE ON FIRE CUZ IM TIRED OF YOUR LIES.... All I WANTED WAS A SIMPLE HELLO
Is it just me or does she sound like Rosie Perez?

Christmas 09

2009-12-26T06:46:00.000-08:00

So I got out of the hospital on the 23rd... I was in there for 4 days/5 nights if I say it like that it sounds more like a vacation. I was really hoping the Dr. would change my medication, which they did.. TWICE, only to change it right back to what it was when I went in, so essentially I should be right back where I started. Somehow I do feel better though. Its hard to explain but when Im in the hospital there is no wrong or right, there are no bad choices to be made. And the food honestly isnt that bad. I didnt get too many calls and no visitors while I was there, the phone number I posted was no good and the stupid security guy must have accidentally turned my phone back on cuz the battery was dead the first day I was in. The person I mentioned before that I really wanted to hear from never called or wrote and ignored my text messages too before I went in the hospital. When I got out there was an email from him that said something like "You'll be fine" or something short and not so sweet like that. Cold & Insensitive.. when will I ever learn this??

I woke up the morning of the 24th with a cold. I was REALLY Bummed because I was supposed to go to a great party at my friend Steve's house. The worse thing is I woke up on Christmas morning feeling great!! It would have been fine to be sick Christmas day because I really didnt have too much to do. I didnt go to Moms house because we were having Christmas at my brothers girlfriends house with her family that I doint even know, SO... I woke up early and went to the store, made breakfast, then baked some cupcakes all before 11AM. I watched a couple movies, played with the cat. I feel bad I didnt get the cat anything for Christmas but he didnt get me anything either so whatever.

I finished up the day by going to a party at my friend Josephs house, it was a small gathering with maybe 12 people there, I got to meet some new people and see another friend I havent seen in a long long time.. This CRAZY Tranny named Denise.. God I love her. Shes lookin like a man but feelin ALL woman. Ya gotta love someone that has that kind of confidence. She was crackin me up last night. "Honey if I dont tell myself Im beautiful who will?" "I want people to see me through MY EYES"

Im gonna bake a rum cake to take to another party tonight, My friends Joe & James.. heres a pic of them from the party. Blue Light specials.. the both of them

Hard decision

2009-12-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

Well I made a decision yesterday to go back to the hospital. There wasnt one thing that triggered it this time, it was a week filled with ups and downs (mostly down), the realization that my medication isnt working, and a revelation of what I think my depression stems from. (see the cliff note version here)---> ALONE I have been seeing a therapist and unfortunately I dont think they are able to give me the care I need in a timely manner. The medication I have been on since October 22nd has not worked yet.

I dont know why, but there is one person I was hoping to hear from that hasnt contacted me yet. I have sent emails, text messages, asked mutual friends to ask him to call me, etc. Im not looking for him to fix something, just a little encouragement to give me the boost that I need to do this. Last time I went to the hospital he thought that it would be best to cut of all communication with me because i needed to fix myself, and there was nothing he could do to help me. WELL I understand where hes coming from but does he understand where Im coming from? Im thinking that last idea didnt work very well and it maybe time to try something else.
I know hes got some major problems right now too, but all im asking is for a few words and best case scenario a hug before I go to the hospital. I dont expect anyone to fix me but me, but with out the support and encouragement from those close to you cant begin the journey to fix yourself.

If you know him please encourage him to contact me.. Its probably not gonna be able to happen today before I go to hospital, so he will be off the hook on the hug part.

Expectations of being alone

2009-12-18T00:02:00.000-08:00

I put myself in situations that I know wont turn out well.. I dont intend to do it but I so often end up in this "bad space" Tonight I met up with this guy for a drink at Pecs, hes really cute and grounded and sweet.....and dating someone. The problem is I knew that ahead of time but... But.. I dont know is it normal to still meet up with someone you know you are attracted to thats not available? What was I expecting? I go out sometimes with the expectation that Ill flirt with someone or have a great conversation with someone, make a connection, get a phone number. Even if one of these things could happen, Id be content! But realistically how often does that happen?

I have a fear of being alone I think. I dont mean from moment to moment, I have lots of friends that I could spend 18+ hours a day with. I mean for eternity. I have a fear that I will die alone..and even worse die lonely. Do you know the difference?

Im learning to take myself out of a situation before I get REALLY down.. if im out with friends or whatever and I havent met someone or even flirted with someone Ill feel myself start to "sink" and rather than bring everyone around me down with me, Ill leave and go home. That also helps eliminate the possibility of things getting worse but it also eliminates the possibility of something good happening. So i leave depressed and lonely and I dont know how to change this behavior. I few weeks ago I wanted to "leave early" so I would quit feeling the pain of being alone.. I still worry about sinking that low again.

All I want for Christmas

2009-12-17T08:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa Obama

Do I have equal rights in this country yet? No I dont but at least I dont live in a place where I have to fear my government will execute me because of who I love, sure there are people in this country that would like to see gay people dead but its not law.. Im not gonna get on a soapbox right now, its the same conversation weve been having for 40 years. Can we just all get together and PLEASE get this done.. Im tired of feeling like less of a human being, less of a citizen of the good ol USA than my neighbor, my brother, or my best friend. Thats Really all I want for Christmas..

This song doesnt have a whole lot to do with equal rights, but the message is really the root of all the negative and evil issues in the world today.

Now I've been crying lately,
thinking about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating,
why can't we live in bliss

Cause out on the edge of darkness,
there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country,
come take me home again

Toys for Tots

Last night a group of friends and I went to Dave & Busters for an evening of food, fun and sharing. If you arent familiar with Dave & Busters its sort of like an adult Chuck E. Cheese. They have decent food, a bar and LOTS of various video games, interactive shoot em up and driving games, and good ol fashioned skee ball!! They also have those "grabber" hook games, Ya know the kind that tries to grab a stuffed animal, or in this case a NY Yankees "bling" pendant for Steve Calenzo. OY!

Daniel Crews came up with this great idea 4 years ago. Get a bunch of friends together grab a bite to eat at Dave & Busters before heading into the "fun zone" to win win win! All in the desire to give to Toys for Tots. There are a few different "package deals" where you get dinner and a set dollar amount of "game play". I went for the $23.99 package which included a blackened chicken pasta and $20.00 worth of games. Some of the games issue tickets when you win that can be exchanged for merchandise in their "gift shop"

With 7 grown men let loose for a couple of hours to act like children we were able to accumulate enough tickets to "purchase" 43 toys and stuffed animals to donate to Toys for Tots. Can you think of an easier way to give this Christmas? For around 25 bucks I was able to spend a couple hours eating, catching up, checking out cute straight men, and having a BLAST with some friends old and new. The best part of the evening was I got to do all of this AND help a child have a Happy Christmas!
So what are you waiting for? Get to Dave & Busters there is still time to give to Toys for Tots!

Toys for Tots @ Dave & Busters
In this photo: Bo Andras, Steve Calenzo, Jon Strmiska, James Mann, Daniel Crews, Kurt Cunningham, Jim Butler

With friends like that...

2009-12-16T22:29:00.000-08:00

I guess because I was so tired from not sleeping last night I was pretty emotional this morning. I sorta lost it on Twitter. Not AT someone, well unless you count me as someone. I was blaming myself for stuff, questioning my feelings, wondering if it was possible to hate someone and love someone at the same time. It was a short rant but it may have upset some people. I dont mind so much anymore when people "un" friend me on Twitter, Ive done it for various reasons myself sometimes I even follow those people again. But its another thing to block someone on Twitter, that means they dont want you to follow them at all, they dont want you to see their tweets and they dont want to see yours.

Yet another friend of the ex did just that to me today. Oddly enough I thought he and I were friends. He had been very supportive to me in the past while still respecting his other friend (the ex) As recently as this morning he sent me a tweet to check on me. Now Im totally speculating here but I assume he blocked me because of my rant. He made one comment to me about it, not all that negative or harsh. I forgot about it until I wanted to send him a tweet and saw I was blocked.

Thinking back to the last 6 months that I have known him or of him he has done the same or similar thing to 6 people that I personally know (including me) Somehow he pulls people in and out of his life. One day he will cut ya off and the next hes flirting with you again.. I dont get why people allow that. Decide who you are gonna be and stick to it. He would the first one to call you out on your attitude, but try to mention his to him... well lets just say I only made that mistake once.

Im slowly but surely having my feelings about these "people" justified, Im a pretty good judge of character and everything I said or felt about these people is slowly but surely coming to light. I was always told I was too critical or wrong about my thoughts on these people but the proof is in the pudding. And I hate to admit it but it feels good to see all this coming to light. I feel vindicated

My friends to my knowledge have not caused "anyone" any problems or grief. None of my friends have told me they wanted to put the heel of their(military) boot through someones nose. None of my friends let alone 2 (or more) were going back and forth sharing conversations. None of my friends called anyone names or wished them to overdose in an alley. But these are all things AND MORE that I have had to deal with.. Im not saying my friends may not have had these thoughts..but to my knowledge they have been respectful and stayed out of it..

If I didnt have all this bullshit to deal with maybe just maybe Id be over it by now.. God knows im sick and tired of dealing with this still.. It really makes me appreciate my friends even more.

I expect there will be comments made on this blog.. Lets see how many have the balls to put a name behind their words. I had 2 comments on previous blogs abouy one of these "people" unfortunately they used someones last name so I had to delete it out of respect. They were good comments, supporting what I felt. I was disappointed no one got to see them.

Blogging

2009-12-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

Well as you may have guessed I have not been able to sleep at all tonight.

Ive spent the time reading some of my friends blogs, Im new to this blogging thing but im worried that Im going to get bored with it really fast. While reading the blogs of people I know I would go back a year or so or to January 08 and read forward.

Its almost like you could just recycle last years blogs. Its all the same stuff repeated, Meet a guy online, date a guy, hang out with friends, cut back on drinking, break up with the guy, get sick, think too much, bitch about stuff, try to loose the same 20 pounds they talked about losing the year before.

I know for me next year will NOT be a repeat from last year. I plan on learning for my mistakes and applying the lessons to maybe try something new. I guess im glad I started blogging so I can use it as a manual.. of what NOT to do in 2010

Too much on my mind

2009-12-16T01:29:00.000-08:00

Wow, I havent blogged in awhile so I have so much to say.. I hope I dont bore you. Its amazing how great I have been feeling lately, (for the most part) I have my ups and downs but Ive been separating myself from the negative people in my life. Ive been seeing 2 therapists and trying to put myself in positive situations.

Tonight a Twitter friend told me he was considering hurting himself.. Well that touched too close to home so I asked him if I could call him.. I did and we talked for quite awhile hes got some issues goin on that arent too different from a lot of people in the country right now, the difference is he doesnt have a lot of resources available to him because of where he lives. I told him of my recent issues and he told me some of his problems that are forefront in his mind. I gave him some ideas that I hope will help him, told him there was someone out there (ME) that cared enough about him to call and check in on him from time to time (I wish he lived closer) Hes REALLY cute, has a great voice, and a...I better stop here. Helping someone to feel a little better is what Ive always been about, all my friends that have known me for years know I am a giving, nurturing and caring person. I felt really good for putting a smile on this boys face. Is that selfish? Im gonna keep an eye on this Boy for awhile.. Hes got such great potential, he just needs to see it in himself. Ive got my eye on you!!

Ive really worked on eliminating some of the negative people out of my life.
I had to delete a friend on Twitter and Facebook I met via the ex. He lied to me about one of my facebook friends that he had dated, yet told me he never met him?? He was also sharing too much of our conversations with the ex. as well as their conversations with me. It got to the point it was just hurting me more than anything. The personal things this person shared with me werent that easy to read either. I mean how would you like to read about someone you still had feelings for (at the time) "intimate moments" with another person? I still dont know why he did that. I guess he still has a thing for my ex and maybe he was trying to push me further away from him so he could have another shot? Who knows?

Another friend that I really liked (enough to go visit in the hospital) kept deleting my positive and encouraging comments on his FB page. Finally I said to the ex "if he doesnt like me why doesnt he delete me as a friend instead of just erasing my comments?" Well it only took 2 days after that conversation for him to delete me. Coincidence?

If ya follow my blog you may remember the one titled Get your daily dose of crazy right here. That was also about one of the ex's friends.

I dont for a minute think he encouraged them to act like this, but as he said he keeps some at an arms length so thats not exactly discouraging them either. Im done tryin to figure out his friends with two faces. The damage they have done has been far more difficult to deal with because I get no answers or conversation to figure out why they do what they do. So when I come to my own conclusions here in my blog thats not a bad thing is it?
I will play with a dog until it snaps at me and then I am done.

Ive realized through all of this I really let others words and actions effect how I feel. I know I know everyone thats reading this is slappin their hand on their forehead sayin DUH! Honestly theres still part of me that needs everyone's approval or acceptance. I dont know where that comes from. There are some people that I just will never please, and there are some people that can never be pleased with anything and then others that are just too insecure. The sooner I learn that I will NEVER please EVERYONE better off Ill be.. OK so when?

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook youve seen me me talk about a crush I have on someone. Well I recently told him of my feelings and he was accepting of it and maybe even encouraged it. (we will see what happens) We will call him "A" well A was on a business trip recently and I didnt get the usual quick replies to my emails and it really bummed me out for a day or so.. Guess what? he was just busy working. As soon as he got home (tonight) he emailed me apologizing and telling me he was also very sick. I am on cloud nine right now. Hes REALLY hot and we understand each other, been through similar situations, etc etc So once again I am letting others actions OR what I believe their actions to be affect my moods.. I was down when I didnt hear from him and now Im up because I got that email.. Thats not healthy is it?

There is this other cutie that I met at a party recently and when I posted something on his FB wall he emailed me and told me he had to delete it cuz he was dating someone and they didnt like it.. BUMMER.. well I decided to follow up with him, YEP they are still dating but hes open to making friends so thats cool. That made me very happy. Now those are normal feelings to have right?

So heres another blog with an anti climactic ending.. thats what happens when you are just sharing feelings as opposed to telling a story.. I dont do this to entertain people i do it to help get stuff off my chest and maybe someone else will read it and relate. Its happened before.. but I deleted those blog posts.

what do you deserve

2009-12-14T20:53:00.001-08:00

we all get what we deserve. Sometimes it can be good and sometimes it can be bad, with that being said: Every single choice that we make every single day gets us what we deserve. What do you choose to deserve?

What lead me to the hospital

2009-12-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Before you read this, please realize that these are my feelings and opinions based on this occasion.. Life is progressive, things and situations change. I could feel a certain way about someone in this blog but this was almost 2 weeks ago. Things have progressed and you will read about it in upcoming blogs.

On November 24th early in the morning I sent my ex an email, a very sweet and revealing email... well here it is:

I remember talking about how nice it would be when it got cold so we could really cuddle, Summer time was soo hot.

I hope u dont mind me sending you these emails.. sending them to you helps me keep it off facebook and twitter, although I did just tweet something about u.

I wish i didnt screw things up so bad, if I hadnt maybe we would soon be at a point where we could just cuddle together. If that is ever a possibility i would love it you know u are always welcome at my place.. if u ever are out and dont have a place to stay..
XXXX do you miss the good times at least? Do you miss me ever? I mean the "good" me?

Well, what he replied with had nothing to do with the email I sent him, but it was his feelings about the previous blog I wrote about his friend Jake that I wrote the day before.. He had plenty of opportunity to email me and dig into me like he did. But for some reason he chose to reply to me at a very weak and vulnerable moment.

I cant even begin to describe to you how I felt when i was reading this anger filled email from him.. I sort of blacked out. Tellin me the people around him asked who the crazy guy was after I was SCREAMING at Jake was definitely an exaggeration and very cruel of him to say. He said I approached Jake first and that is simply not true. I spoke to Jake first but Jake's attitude was thrown at me from a great distance long before I got near to them. When I spoke to Jake it was a simple Hello. The attitude grew even more. The boy is a Rugby Player in San Diego they dont have the best reputation for being all that respectful or friendly. ANYWAY A friend of mine AND the ex was standing right next to me when i "went off" on Jake and he agreed it was not nearly as bad as what the ex made it out to be in his email. He even went on to say "I myself don't know all the details, nor do I really want to." REALLY? you dont know the details but your gonna CHOOSE to go off on me anyway? priceless.. He went on to talk about how Jake is protective of him because of what I did to him? REALLY? you dont see my friends attacking Jake for making comparisons of me to Eeyore or telling me to go overdose in an alley or something.

It took 5 emails from me before the ex would even apologize for accusing me of sharing info about Jake that he thought was set to private on FB when it wasnt (It still is 100% public) Way to back a friend huh?

THEN he throws the attorney thing in my face again. In reality the only people that have anything to lose if an attorney got involved would be him and his friend Jake. The ex doesnt have a computer at home so 99% of his blogging, twittering and Facebooking is done from work, and a good portion of it would probably be considered inappropriate for the workplace. I know his boss knows hes on the internet to some degree because it was brought up once.

Anyway like I said I blacked out. Somehow I got it in my head that I was gonna hurt myself, a couple of friends from Twitter were so kind to me.. Texting me and Tweeting me trying to get me to call 911 or tell them where I was.

Im not gonna go into details as to what I tried to do but there was a point when I realized I was "out of my mind" and I called my Dr.

He advised me to go to the emergency room, and thats what I did. I gotta stop for now.. Im starting to get a little upset right now..

Time to take a walk

Flakey Jake

2009-11-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

So this is a little weird for me to be writing a blog about someone I dont know very well. This kid Jake was first brought to my attention by my ex Gooster. Its a friend of his, however the majority of the time we dated the ex didnt really have too many good things to say about Jake, as a matter of fact his nick name is IS FLAKEY JAKE. The ex has written many blogs about this guy, both positive and negative.

Hes a young kid thats in the military, hes on a gay(ish) rugby team here in town. Now before you all think I am throwin his business out in the street you should know that ALL of this info is on his public facebook profile so im not disclosing anything he hasnt made public already.

On 2 different occasions Jake made plans with us to hang out.. Once for the beach which he flaked on simply by not returning messages left for him. the other for the movies which he flaked out on about an hour before the movie started.. Not even having the balls or decency to cancel with the ex.. He canceled via another friend.

On 3 different occasions I had sent Jake friend requests on Facebook.. 2 of those times was during the period of time I was dating Gooster the other when things were a little rocky, yet still I was extending the olive branch All 3 requests were denied.

So now the point of this blog post.. Jake seems to have a temper or something. On 3 different occasions Jake has "gone off" on me on other peoples Facebook page. The first 2 times were on Goosters page. Now I dont remember the first one exactly, but the second time Gooster said I deserved it.. OK FINE I disagree but whatever.. After the second time Jake was being a bitch to me on FB i saw him out at Bear night.. I asked him how his event that night went and he replied to me kindly.. I thought things were ok with him and I.. The next day a mutual friend even said he mentioned I was nice to him the night before.

The third time was clearly Jakes being a little bitch. A mutual friend had posted this. "can't help but feel a little bit negative right now. going to sleep it off soon" I clicked the like button for this.. in my mind I was liking the fact that this friend was gonna sleep off the negativity. in JAKES mind this was his reply.

Jake Bxxxxxxx: really, you like that he is feeling negative? go overdose in an alley or something.

OK I could end this blog right now and most people would understand why this kid has pissed me off so much.. BUT NO.. it gets better..

Tonight at the Hole Jake was there with Gooster. If you have been following along you know that Gooster and I are doing OK.. My friends are happy with that and our mutual friends seem to be comfortable being around both of us. For some reason Jake cant seem to pull his head out of his ass to be cordial. AGAIN i was nice and said hello only to be greeted with a smug and arrogant attitude from Jake RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FRIEND. well i had enough of his attitude. I simply said REALLY JAKE? you cant pretend to be nice? His reply was "NO everyone knows Im not a nice person." COOL!! Im so glad you decided to verify the fact that you are an ass!

Shortly after that I received a very nice text message from someone that was nearby the situation. he just told me he was remaining neutral to the situation and basically i should let it roll of my back (my words not his) but you get the idea. I was SOOOO impressed by this persons message. I hope I get an opportunity to have a conversation with him sometime soon.

I turned away from him and walked away shortly after that.. The look of embarrassment on Goosters face (whether caused by me or Jake) was painful to see.
I sent Gooster a text apologizing for him having to see that although it was inevitable. a few mins later I went up to Gooster and apologized as well. He started to comment by saying I dont wanna... I cut him off and said I dont expect a reply I am simply wanted to say sorry. At hat time I told him i was leaving and going to Pecs.

Well I got to Pecs and who was there? Yep.. both of them. No worries Gooster and our friend Jeffrey hung out a bit and talked. But when Jake came around the little bitch kept tryin to stare me down.. OH HELL NO!! Luckily Gooster caught on and they went inside.. Jeffrey and I left shortly after that.. Gooster came up and gave me a hug goodbye.. Hes a good guy.. God knows what he is doing hanging around with Jake, I guess thats thing thing about friendships, there's more to it than everyone may know. I hope Jakes behavior doesn't reflect poorly on Gooster, but when you announce to everyone around you that you are not a nice person, people are gonna start avoiding you when you are out.

But really what the fuck is Jake's deal? does he not care how his friend feels? Why would you go off on somebody's friend on their facebook page?? Gooster and I are getting along.. why would u be a bitch and make things uncomfortable for your friend? I have my thoughts on this.. but i think Ill leave my opinions to myself.. Ive only given you the facts in this blog.. we will leave it at that

What can I say?? What havent I said?

2009-11-20T06:30:00.000-08:00

I think Im figuring some things out.

This morning I woke myself up calling out someones name.. I was actually having a weird dream, somehow he had set his blog up to accept voice comments and yes I still read his blog so i thought id leave a comment for him. I kept saying " _____ Im scared" I kept repeating it over and over until I woke myself up saying it.. I wasnt screaming or yelling I was pretty calm.

Ive lashed out at him a lot recently. Im realizing why.

I made a MAJOR life change at the same time our relationship ended, so not all of my anger that I have directed towards him is really even about him. Its about me being scared out of my fucking mind. Its so easy to blame everything on someone else, its a cowardly way but its what I did. Hell ive lost track of time now I think weve maybe been broken up longer than we even dated. Hes a really good guy and that didnt help. LOL You know what I mean.. You want the person to be an asshole so you can move on.. He could be the biggest asshole in the world and I would still miss him, because he reminds me of a time I felt good.. My business was still open, he and I had fun together and I was doin alright.. I was getting by. Now I dont even have $ to pay my rent.. Im struggling and not making it at all. So of course I long for thwe days that I felt good, and most recently that was with him. In my mind he is the one preventing me from feeling good again.. So I lash out in anger.

Ive been lashing out at him because Im scared and he isnt there to make me feel better.. or so I thought..But he is there for me. Ive just pushed him so far away.. I thought that Ive pushed him so far that we may never be friends again. So once again im gonna throw his business out there for everyone to know.. Hes been so supportive the last few days. I honestly dont know what I would have done without him. He isnt quite the person I would call in the middle of the night, although a couple nights ago I was tempted, I held back.

His friends probably wonder why he doesnt hate me.. Well if you wonder that then you probably dont really know him at all. You will probably never know the reasons he is even talking to me right now but ill just say compassion and concern are two of the qualities he holds that allow him to not hate me. Ive disappointed him and angered him and Im sure he has had his moments of nearly hating me..anyway I cant or wont speak for him.

If you are his friend on Twitter or Facebook please dont give him any grief over this. I think Ive done enough of that to last a lifetime. Instead give him a "virtual" hug for me. He deserves it. While youre at it I could use some hugs too

Get your daily dose of Crazy right here

2009-11-12T04:25:00.000-08:00

I try to understand how some people like to rip on others just for pleasure? Does it make them feel better? I mean really, there are people that are publicly following my blog that never comment on it here, but on Twitter and other places they rip on me or as you saw in the previous blog they will throw shit out there to me on Twitter.

I dont follow (most of) these peoples Twitter accounts nor am I friends with them on Facebook, so how do I find out what they are saying? Not too difficult to figure out.
Faggots can be cruel, they LOVE to tell everyone what they know, some have such HUGE insecurities that they feel like it makes them important or something to be the one to know "everything". So the VERY people you are having a conversation with about me on Twitter may very well be the same person telling me everything thats going on. Whether I like it or not. I think people believe they are doin me a favor by letting me know what people are saying... So here it is.. It doesnt help.

The ex recently deleted 40-50 of our mutual friends from his FB account. The funny think is he didnt delete the people that are telling me what he or his friends are doin and saying!! Just my luck, CLASSIC, FML... choose one.

The stuff that I write here comes from my hurt, pain, confusion, my insecurities, etc. Where does your need to rip on me come from? Do you have anything constructive to say?

I know Cory doesnt talk to people about me (too much), his closest friends tell me they dont even have private conversations about stuff. So im sure he didnt tell any of his friends what he went through with me a couple weeks ago. How he "talked me down off a ledge". So you throw that word crazy around all you want.. Nobody will be able to hold me down and "knock the crazy out of me". Did you miss the blog where I said I was on anti-depressants? And your gonna call me crazy? WOW thats cold, and heartless.. the word PATHETIC comes to mind too.

That is hurtful and harmful, and for what reason? REALLY, WHAT REASON?
Just for fun? In the middle of the day for NO apparent reason other than boredom lets read the crazy guys blog and laugh at him about it? NICE!

If my sadness and depression make you feel better about your lives Im glad I could help..

UPDATE! 4 hours AFTER I posted my blog he posts this.. If you read the comments he said it has nothing to do with me.. Does he think we are stupid? I mean REALLY? Hes already used the rabbit in the pot reference about me on Twitter a couple of times.. What an asshole!! Well then he goes on to say.. Well, part of it might have a twinge of you, not just you though, you aren't the first nor only "Stacy" in my life and you didn't inspire this post. We have since both deleted our comments on his blog.. which is for the best.. The person that I was mostly speaking of here has since un-followed my blog which is also a good thing.

Well let me just say if ya have a history in stalkers in your life you may wanna take a look at what YOU are doing to cause it. Cuz ya definitely aint all that!! So maybe JUST maybe YOU are the one that is dragging this out?? MAYBE??

Just A Dude Talking About Life: Watch Out For Stacy

DUH!

2009-11-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But
rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong
person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

How can you not see what you do?

2009-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

So last night I sent him a message on FB telling him I needed to remove him as a friend well here is what I sent

I think its best for me to delete you as a "friend" We are not good TO each other or good FOR each other.. Im too sensitive and your actions continue to hurt me. I hope one day things will change for you and I but for now this is whats best.

As long as I live I will always have a place in my heart for you Cory.

Good bye
Kurt

I then sent him a text because I wanted him to read it right away before I removed him him because i wasnt sure if he would get the email after I removed him as a friend...So

i sent a text and he replied with.. OK have had you hidden since Wed for myself. Well first of all that's a lie because he had made comments on my page as late as Thursday. So maybe he hid it from the news feed but he was still reading it.. and secondly
REALLY? You felt the need to tell me that? WHY because it would make you feel better to have the upper hand? You had to have the final word? WHAT THE FUCK is that about? It was a hard decision for me and I thought I sent him a nice email about it, but he just had to turn it around and make me feel bad once again!!!

THAT is why I told him to forget he ever knew me.. Because I couldnt take him CONSTANTLY trying to knock me down so he would feel better about himself. I have a hard enough time makin myself feel OK I dont need to be anyone's emotional punching bag.